Kegels for Men and Women

I'm always telling people that exercise will do them good and give them a better quality of life. Perhaps none is more applicable to your sex life than Kegel exercises. These exercises are simple, can be done anytime anywhere, and are guaranteed to improve your sex life.

Kegel exercises were originally created in the 1940's by a gynecologist, Dr. Arnold Kegel, who wanted to give women a way to increase the muscle tone of their PC muscles (pubococcygeal muscles), and thereby cure their urinary incontinence. This was especially important for women after childbirth and after menopause - the two main causes of weakening of these muscles. So while women were squeezing away, they found that not only could they control their urine better when they coughed or laughed really hard - they also found they were having stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Of course when something improves your sex life, people take notice! The most interesting recent finding is that Kegel exercises have been found to be helpful for both men and women.

Kegel exercises involve the PC muscles, which is a network of muscles that extend from the pubic bone (found under your pubic hair below the level of your bladder) down and around between the legs, around the anus and to the coccyx (tailbone). These muscles contract to help stop urine flow and squeeze the anal sphincter closed, but also are the muscles that rhythmically contract when someone has an orgasm. By strengthening these muscles, women have better control of holding their urine, and also have stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Men who do Kegels also have better control of their urine and experience stronger and more pleasurable orgasms, but also can have better control of the timing of their ejaculations and even better quality of their erections.

So who's up for a little Kegelcising? Here's how it's done, and it's basically the same for both men and women. First, locate your PC muscles. This can be done by trying to stop your urine stream while you are urinating. The muscle that you squeeze to get that done is your PC muscle. Another good way to locate the PC muscle is to squeeze your anal sphincter tight and then extend this squeeze all the way forward. You should locate these muscles and learn to isolate them from other muscle groups in the area. So make sure that your legs, buttocks, and abs are relaxed and are not moving while you're squeezing your PC muscles. Once you locate them, don't use them to stop your urine any more. Now you will just do the Kegel exercises by themselves.

As I mentioned before, Kegel exercises can be done anytime, anywhere. When you perform them, no one can tell that you're doing it - so you can squeeze on the way to work, during a business meeting, while you're waiting in line, while you're at the movies - you get the picture. Start off slow as you would any new exercise, doing 3 sets of 10 repetitions. Squeeze and hold for 5 seconds, then release and repeat again. Try to do the Kegels at least once a day, but shoot for three times a day if you can. Don't be dismayed if you get tired or feel the muscle losing the squeeze. As you get stronger, you will have more and more control of that squeeze.

Once you have been doing sets of 5-second squeezes faithfully for about 3-4 weeks and you can keep the squeeze consistently for the whole 5 seconds, you can try to extend the squeeze time to 8-10 seconds. You just squeeze, hold it for 10 seconds, and release. Then repeat this for 3 sets of 10 repetitions one to three times a day. The next level after this would be to practice the squeeze while you are masturbating or during penetration with your partner. It takes about 1-2 months of Kegels to really have solid results, but it's worth it.

Just remember, the body operates on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' As we age, keeping the PC muscles toned and strong gives us increased urinary and ejaculatory control, as well as maximizes the intensity of our orgasms and our sexual pleasure. It's a little exercise that goes a long way.

Sex is a many splendored thing.

Sex is for reproduction. There is no denying this. It's the stuff of sex ed: sperm meets egg, implantation, development, etc. It is the most traditional and natural purpose for the activity. It is why we're made male and female and why part of our physical attraction to the other sex is rooted in our perception of that potential mate's ability to produce healthy children.

Sex is for entertainment. Sex is fun. It feels good. Orgasms can be all-encompasing and, for the moment, everything else fades away. If you need any evidence that sex is for entertainment, you need look no further than a woman's clitoris. It serves no reproductive purpose, it's far enough away from the vaginal opening that most women can't come with vaginal penetration alone, and it has the most concentration of nerve endings per surface area of any other spot on the human body. So if not for entertainment, why would it be there? And because our minds have the ability to travel anywhere, sex can be anything we want it to be - anything we let it be. The combination of our pleasurable physical sensations and the power of our creative mind giving us erotic fantasies, make sex the ultimate trip.

Sex is for bonding. In the act of sex, we have the opportunity to reveal ourselves to our partner. Each time we do this and we have a positive experience, this brings us closer to them and allows our trust in them to grow. Also, having orgasms with our partners helps us feel closer to them, especially if we take advantage of the post-orgasm oxytocin release and lay in each others arms, lay on top of each other, cuddle, or fall asleep touching each other. So we see that sex is a mechanism which can increase emotional ties.

Sex is for winning. The act of sex is concerned with conquest and domination. That feeling of power can be a huge rush and part of the excitement of sex. And where there is conquest and domination, there is also surrender and submission. Through the act of sex, we also see how the submissive really has the power, and experience the pleasure that accompanies that position.

Sex is for compromise. In the process of coming together for sex, we realize that we are two different people with different wants, desires, fantasies, energy levels, and agendas. There are many times that sex requires a compromise on our part in order to please our partner, and vice versa. Hopefully, we learn how to negotiate our relationship so that both partners can have enjoyment and rapture in sex. When we learn to get excited by watching our partner get off, we accept compromise more easily and see that it is normal in our sex life to have a variety of activity, sometimes just for your partner, and sometimes just for you.

Sex is for personal growth. One of the amazing things about sex is that it gives us the opportunity to look into the core of who we are emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Sometimes we scare ourselves. But whatever we find, we experience an opportunity for growth and personal acceptance. If you realize that deep down we all have desires that have elements of aggression, or selfishness, or dependency, or adoration - and learn to accept that this is natural - we can learn to let go of unnecessary anxiety or guilt that may be interfering with our happiness and success.

Sex is for health. Our bodies work well when we have a regular pattern of sex. Sex helps us handle stress better and helps us feel less physical pain. Men who orgasm at least once per week were found to have better prostate health. And women who orgasm at least once per week have stronger PC muscles and decrease their chance for urinary incontinence later in life. Regular sexual activity keeps our blood flowing to our gentinals and a healthy balance of neurotransmitters flowing in our brains.

These things are neither good nor bad, they just are. And when we have a balance of all of these, we experience more happiness, more success, more peace, and more health both in our sex lives and our lives in general. Enjoy.

Last Minute Toy Shopping

Need to do some last minute Christmas shopping? Or maybe you have some belated Chanukah gift-giving to do? Well here's a little toy shopping guide to get you going. There are so many adult toys on the market these days that the selection is dizzying. But I'm going to give you the basics.

Dildos are your basic phallic-shaped toy. They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors from crazy hot-pink ones with ridges, to realistic-looking, and some even with a set of balls attached. They can be single or double-headed, depending on whether there will be pleasuring of one person at a time or two (it's always nice to share). There are some that have a suction cup on the bottom for wall mount. These seem to hold best to materials that are relatively flat and smooth - linoleum flooring, tile, etc. Strap-on dildos are made to be used with harnesses - usually strapped onto someones hips. But there are harnesses designed to strap to thighs, faces, furniture. Such creativity! Since they do come in such a wide selection, it might be difficult to choose a size. As I've mentioned in a previous post, width is usually the more relevant dimension. If you would like to choose a dildo with a similar width to your partner (or yourself) a very simple way to gauge this is to close your eyes and wrap your hand around the dildo. Chances are, your muscle memory will tell you if it similar in circumference to what your used to, then you can choose if you want to stick with it, or go for something a little wider.

Vibrators are the next main type of adult toy. As the name implies, they vibrate. There are battery-operated vibrators and there are heavy-duty vibrators with electrical cords. Some are simple in design for either vaginal or anal penetration; some are wider and curved for outer stimulation of the clitoris (or assorted other body parts); others are curved for G-spot stimulation; some are designed specifically for prostate stimulation; and some have a combination for vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation at the same time, better known as rabbit-style.

You can also get busy with some toys designed for anal play, such as plugs or beads. Remember that any anal toys should have a flange base or looped handle to prevent it from sliding in all the way and necessitating an unwanted visit to your local emergency room. Consider the material that the beads are connected with to see if it can be properly disinfected after use. Other variations on a theme include vibrating cock rings that slide onto the shaft of the penis and are worn down towards the base during penetration that can stimulate both partners.

Almost anything you choose can be fun and exciting. Two very important factors in your decision-making when buying an adult toy is material and lube choice. The majority of adult sex toys out there are made out of "jelly" or latex plastic combinations. These are not only porous materials that cannot be sterilized once used, but also contain phthalates which are considered toxic and have been shown to have unwanted hormonal effects for both men and women. Do not use these toys! Look for non-porous materials that cannot be penetrated by bacteria or viruses and can be disinfected or sterilized for future use (or for use with other partners). These are high-quality silicone, glass, and stainless steel. Do not be fooled by less expensive products that are silicone blended with other rubber because they probably have phthalates in them. Also safe for use are Elastomer, vinyl (Cyberskin), ABS plastic, lucite, and hard plastic. Those, however, should not be shared since they are porous and can't be completely disinfected. You can, however, choose to use these with a condom if it's intended to be used by more than one person.

And of course, there's lube. Saliva is great, but doesn't last very long and is not as slippery as you might need. Never use any oils, Crisco, or vaseline. First of all, these cause condoms to disintegrate. Also, they form a slick layer over the vaginal mucosa that promotes yeast growth, as well as bacteria. Water-based lubricants can be used with almost any toy and come in different levels of thickness and with or without flavors. Many women prefer to pick a lube that does not have glycerin, which is a type of sugar that can be irritating to some, and also promotes the growth of yeast. Water-based lubes are easy to clean up and do not stain. If you're looking for something that is slipperier, lasts longer, and is waterproof (think shower or hot tub), then you should try a silicone-based lube. It's ok for use with latex, but you can't use it with silicone or vinyl products. You probably will want to pick your toy first, then decide on the lube.

The variety available is outstanding and toys can be a great addition to partnered sex, or a welcomed addition for those flying solo. So good luck with your last minute toy shopping. And for those of you in Alabama where the sale of sex toys is still illegal, it's worth a drive across state lines.

Give Yourself a Hand

"Masturbate? Who me?" "No, I don't do that anymore." "I don't need to do that now." Or better yet: "I never did that!"

I am here to say that it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, masturbation is not only pleasurable, but it's healthy and it's part of a balanced sex life. First of all, your sexuality belongs to you. So even if you have a partner, you should never give up control of your sexuality. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own happiness. The sooner you know that, the sooner you can share that happiness with somebody else. When you have a partner, you won't always be on the same page as them, or won't always be in the same mood as them, or you won't always have the same energy as them. But if you are in charge of your own sexuality, masturbation can help bridge those gaps. And masturbation doesn't have to be something you do by yourself. Maybe your partner can watch? Maybe they'll get so turned on watching you, they'll want to join in? Or maybe they can just get pleasure from knowing that you're getting off without any pressure on them. All of you who have been in long term relationships know that it is impossible to always be in sync with our partners all the time.

If you have never spoken to your partner about masturbation, that's the first step. Once you have open communication about different ways to have pleasure, you can bring up the topic of masturbation. Remember, doing it on your own is ok too. The main word here is balance. If it is not used to avoid your partner, or done compulsively, it is a natural part of your sex life that can actually enhance your sex life.

For those individuals without a partner, masturbation might make up the entirety of your sex life. Don't rationalize to yourself that you don't need it or that you don't want it. Both our body and our brain run on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' Masturbation not only gives us pleasure, but it also makes us feel alive. Orgasms release chemicals in our brain that help us feel more relaxed, happier, and more secure. Besides that, masturbation increases blood flow to our genitals which is important in maintaining sexual functioning over time. And every time you have an orgasm, it helps maintain tone in your PC muscles that help women keep continent after menopause or childbirth, and help men have stronger erections and ejaculation. So don't forget to give yourself a hand now and then!

If you keep touching it, it's going to fall off!

I do the work that I do because I believe that people have too much fear and anxiety that prevents them from having more happiness and success in their lives. I specifically chose the area of sex and sexuality after finding that many of my colleagues were uncomfortable talking with their patients about sex or sexual issues. This made little sense to me since, as psychiatrists, we help patients explore the deepest issues of the unconscious mind, and one's sexuality should be no exception.

My goal for patients, and society in general, is that we will be able to talk to each other about sex and sexuality without anxiety and fear. Because it not only affects us in our sex life, but this anxiety and fear is also passed down to our children in how they learn about sex and their own sexuality.

Such was the case with someone who was telling me that he and his wife were not really sure what to do about their 2 year old son. It seems that he was masturbating himself often, many times in public when out with his mom. This gentleman then told me (with a laugh) that they starting telling their son that if he kept touching it, it was going to fall off. It was clear that the reason why they chose to tell this to their son was because they themselves were quite anxious about talking to him regarding anything sexual, which came from their own anxiety with sex. I mentioned carefully that this was not a very healthy way to speak to his son about his behavior and could cause difficulties later with anxiety and shame related to sex. First of all, he is at that age where he still believes that everything his parents tell him is true. Now he has to worry that if he gives himself a little pleasure, he is going to unwillingly mutilate himself. Instead, the suggestion was made that his son be told that it is perfectly normal, but reminded that his behavior should be limited to those times when he is in private in his room, and that it is not appropriate when he is around other people, including Mommy and Daddy.

The real problem here is with the parents' anxiety related to sex and sexual issues. When we are anxious or uncomfortable thinking and talking about sex, we unintentionally communicate this to our children. This is the reason why I encourage couples to start having more open communication with each other about sex - in order to increase their comfort level and decrease their anxiety. That should be a goal for all couples in general, but certainly before starting to have children. Because children (even infants and toddlers) can sense what we are feeling, even when we try to hide it from them. And they can sense when we are anxious about something. They learn to feel this way too, which could translate into them thinking that they are "bad" or "dirty" or should feel shame. None of these things are healthy when it comes to talking to them about their bodies or their age-appropriate sexual behavior. What they do need is some truthful, calm limit setting and answers (appropriate to their age) to any questions they may have.

One lengthy, but very informative post on this topic can be found at: http://randombabble.com/2009/09/02/talking-to-kids-about-sex/ . It speaks to the importance of giving clear and truthful information to your children (at any age) which is best achieved when we are comfortable with our own sexuality and the topic of sex in general. Decreasing our anxiety and fear will allow us to increase our knowledge, our comfort level, and eventually our happiness and satisfaction based on the decisions we will make.

Wide-eyed

There have been a multitude of articles and advertising in the media stating that women prefer to experience a wider penis over a longer penis. And this is truly the case. When surveyed, 90% of women stated that width was more important to their sexual satisfaction than was length. It seems that in publishing their research, Masters and Johnson did not consider certain factors when they said that penis size has no real physiological effect on a woman's sexual pleasure and satisfaction. In order to understand a little more what they may have been missing, it's important to think about the anatomy.

First, let's talk about the clitoris. Most people are familiar with the little pink pearl that sits at the top of the labia. It is extremely sensitive and is covered by a little hood of skin that is actually where the top of the labia come together. But there is much more to the clitoris than just what you can see and feel. The entire clitoris is shaped like a capital A (without the bar in the middle). It's legs (crurae) extend down and under the pubic bone, and it also has extensions that follow along each side of the vaginal opening, called the vestibular bulbs. The entire clitoris is made up of spongy tissue that fills with blood when a woman gets aroused.

When a man has a wider penis, there is more pressure put on the vestibular bulbs which gives a pleasurable feeling of fullness at the vaginal opening. Some researchers have commented that this feeling of fullness is both physically and psychologically pleasing. Also, with a wider penis, there is more tension on the labia, which in turn causes more tugging and movement at the hood covering the clitoris. This adds stimulation to the clitoris in addition to the surrounding tissues. The entire vulva, including the labia, clitoris, and the lower 1/3 of the vagina is innervated by the Pudendal nerve. The more surface area you have contact with at any one time, the more you have exciting signals travelling up through that nerve. There may be some element to the stretch of the PC muscle at the vaginal opening that adds to the pleasure - also transmitted via the Pudendal nerve. Remember, this nerve covers the whole area including below the vaginal opening and the anus. This also benefits from a little tension from a wider penis going through the lips and vaginal opening.

Now, an average erect penis is about 10cm in circumference (that's about 4 inches around for those of us not on the metric system). So all of you who are wondering how you measure up, we'll wait while you take out the tape measure.....Ok. Now there are different techniques to give a woman the feeling of a wider penis. One such technique is to have a slight circular motion as you thrust. In this way, the shaft of the penis pushes more against the sides of the vaginal opening, giving the woman that extra pressure and tension. This can also be done by choosing an angle of entry that allows you to put more pressure on the fourchette below the vaginal opening where the labia end in a little "v." This works to also tug the labia a little more and stretch the PC muscle. And still others are much more imaginative, finding ways to work in extra fingers or using penile sleeves. So that's the skinny on width. No comment on bumpy penises.

What can porn teach you about giving a woman oral sex?

There seems to be an attitude pushed by the media that all aspects of sex should just come natural to us and that we should already instinctually know how to have good sex. And with pressure from peers and society comes anxiety about whether or not we know what we're doing, or whether we are doing it well, etc. This anxiety causes many people to feel embarrased to ask questions for fear that they will be seen as inexperienced and so they may turn to porn as a guide. It's not surprising then, to find that a large percentage of people, both men and women, say that they use porn to guide them as to how they should perform oral sex.

Now I'm not talking about soft-porn here, where you don't really "see" the details of having sex. I'm talking about hardcore porn which shows actual penetration and actual mouth-genital contact/oral sex. If you are using this kind of porn to guide you about oral sex, you should know what it can and cannot teach you.

The trouble with using porn as your guide for oral sex is that what makes for good porn cinematography doesn't always make for good oral sex. A good camera shot in porn is considered one in which the viewer can see details about what's going on. That means that a man's face (for example) has to have some distance from a woman's pussy so that you can see his tongue on her lips and clitoris. In order to get that shot, a tongue has to be stretched far outside his mouth. This may look great onscreen, but doesn't necessarily create the best experience for the giver or the receiver.

First of all, the further your tongue is outside your mouth, the more quickly it's going to get tired. Most women need continuous stimulation on a certain spot in order to reach orgasm, so you want to increase your ability to keep going. Also, it only allows for a small area of contact between his tongue and her lips/clitoris. One of the pleasures of oral sex is the feeling of pressure and warmth and wetness that comes from having a softer, flatter tongue and includes lips too. So instead of having this distance, you should get close and use your whole mouth - lips and tongue.

Also, the clitoris is a very sensitive area. Many times, porn shots start right off with very intense and quick stimulation with a tongue or fingers over the clitoris. Unless a woman has already been excited for a period of time, she probably needs to be able to build up to this level of stimulation. Most women find it more comfortable to start off slower and softer, and build up as her level of excitement increases. Some don't need to change from the slower pace at all - they just need the constant motion.

So if you were to take your direction from porn, you might think that every woman wants to have her pussy slapped, or their clitoris sucked hard, or a pointy tongue frantically rubbing on their clit from the word "go." You are better off asking your woman what she likes and what she wants, because every woman is different. Start off slow and try different things. Instead of just zeroing in on her clit, explore the area with your lips and tongue. Some women actually prefer to have their clitoris stimulated indirectly from the side, or having their lips licked from the vaginal opening up towards the clitoris. There is some very sensitive spongy tissue in that area that can produce intense excitement. Some like a combination of tongue with fingers helping out either inside or outside. Some like to have fingers roam down and around their anus. You have to see what it is that your woman likes, not just make assumptions from what you saw in a porn flick.

Now, I do think that there is something that porn can teach us about good oral sex - and that is enthusiasm. Just like all other aspects of sex, if a woman thinks that her partner is not into it, or is not enjoying it, this will take away from her ability to enjoy herself and get excited from it. If, however, you tell your woman what you like about eating her out and it's clear that you enjoy the process, she can get lost in the moment and let it take her to orgasm. Bon appetit!

Feel at home with the O.

Women are complicated - there's no denying that. Even we can't figure ourselves out sometimes. And physically, we're more complicated too. We have all that extra indoor plumbing and our bodies are much more sensitive and full of surprises.

And orgasms are no exception to this bundle of complexity. Not only can we have orgasms on the inside and orgasms on the outside, but we can also have a combination orgasm - or "blended" as some people like to call it. Not to mention those orgasms some of us can have without even getting close to our genitals!

So what are the different types of orgasms women have? Well, first let's start with the most well known orgasm - the clitoral orgasm. This type of orgasm is a result of repeated stimulation of the clitoris, which is located at the top of the labia, just below the level of the pubic bone. The clitoris is special because it has the most amount of nerve endings per surface area than anywhere else on a woman's body (or anywhere on a man's body for that matter). The nerve responsible for the sensation in this area is the Pudendal nerve, which experiences all range of sensation - light touch, pressure, pain and temperature, vibration, etc. This opens up the multitude of ways that a woman can get pleasure in this area - oral sex, masturbation with fingers, vibrators, rubbing against the arm of the couch, stream of water from a pool jet or a shower-massager, just to name a few.

Next we have the orgasm that's produced when the anterior (front) part of the vagina is stimulated. This is also known as the G spot and has been found to have the highest concentration of sensory nerve endings in the vagina. This type of orgasm is transmitted via the Hypogastric and pelvic nerves and gives a sensation of orgasm that spreads over the entire body. Many times referred to as a "blended" orgasm because of its overlap in sensation with the Pudendal nerve (that innervates the lower 1/3 of the vagina also), it's technically an "internal" orgasm and can be one of the ways that a woman comes through penetration. And many vibrators and dildoes have been designed specifically with a curvature to stimulate this area for powerful vaginal orgasms.

There is yet, another type of "internal" orgasm that comes with stimulation of the cervix during penetration. This produces pleasurable contractions of the uterus and is transmitted via the Vagus nerve, sometimes in combination with the Hypogastric nerve. Of course, since there is some overlap of nerves (as I'm sure some of you have already experienced) there is often a combination of pathways involved in an orgasm so that more than one pathway is activated at the same time. Women can also have a combination of stimulation on the inside and on the outside simultaneously from certain positions with their partners or manual stimulation of the clitoris while being penetrated. This can give "blended" orgasms as well that you feel on the inside and the outside at the same time. There are also other areas of the body that can be stimulated to bring a woman to orgasm that doesn't involve her genitals, but let's leave that for another post.

So our complexity is also our key to pleasure! Women have different ways to mix and match for a healthy variety of activity. This gives us more choices to keep things interesting. So boys, do your homework, and girls, get your hands-on training. This way, we can all feel at home with the O.

Do you have 2 minutes for sex?

One of my students in her 20's recently told me that she couldn't touch her toes. So I asked her what kind of sex life did she expect to have if she couldn't get her legs over her head, or at least over her partner's shoulders?

Seriously though, my point to her was that the importance of flexibility should not be overlooked for our general health, but more specifically, for the health of our sex life. Feeling limber translates into feeling more comfortable with movement - changing positions, trying new positions, and better enjoyment of our favorite positions. So I would like to give you a very simple stretch that can have a big impact on your flexibility and your sex life. It's easy to do and takes very little time.

It's called a Rag Doll Stretch and in it, you stretch by allowing yourself to just hang loose. First you stand up and make sure have a little bit of room around you. When you first start to do this stretch, it's a good idea to have something to hold onto if you need it, like a table or the arm of the couch. Next, you are going to bend forward and let your arms and head just hang down in front of you. Don't worry if you can't stretch very far. Over time you will see the difference! The beauty of this stretch is that you are going to let gravity do all the work for you. You don't need to push or bounce - just hang. And pay attention to the position of your head. Since your head weighs as much as a bowling ball, if you are holding it up at all, you are tensing your muscles. Instead, you should let it hang loose so that you can relieve the tension in your shoulders and neck and take pressure off of the bones of the neck. If you are looking at the front of your legs or thighs, then you know your head is in the right position.

Now, just breathe normally and take notice of any areas where you have tension. Each time you exhale, imagine any tense areas of muscle becoming relaxed and stretching long and easy. For any stretch to be effective, you have to hold it for at least 30 seconds. If you give it a full 60 seconds, you will allow a good stretch of the muscle fibers and start to feel results. And you can see how it targets a lot of muscles at once - from the back of your heels, up your legs and your entire back, back of the neck, and up to the base of your skull.

So practice this stretch for 1 minute at the beginning of your day and 1 minute at the end of your day and you'll make a big difference in your flexibility. That's less time than it takes for a commercial break! So even though our flexibility decreases over time, we can do something very simple to improve it which can translate into a better sex life. It loosens up the back for better thrusting, lets you move your legs up onto your partner's shoulders for a different positioning of your hips, and helps relieve tension in the neck for all you wonderfully-indulgent givers of oral sex!