What Makes for Great Sex?

People always seem to be in search of "great sex." Magazine and blogs are filled with articles about the few simple things that you can do that make it happen for you. And the way they promote these 'sex tips' are as if there is some secret information that can be imparted and you will magically start having "great sex." The problem is that the idea of "great sex" is subjective and changes from person to person. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in 2009 explains just how "great sex" is less dependent on actual physical functioning and more about your ability to let go and enjoy the moment.

Of course, the predominant messages repeated about what we need to have "great sex" focus on making us feel insecure and lacking. Pharmaceutical companies only gain to benefit if you believe that their pill can make your experience more pleasurable for you and your partner. And media can continue to sell you their '7 things you must know' articles just in case you weren't in the know.

But the study, entitled "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"," presents different ideas for us to consider. The elements of what makes "great sex," according to their participants, is not what the pharmaceutical companies and the makers of male-enhancement formulas would like you to believe. Instead, they came up with 8 major components of one's sex life that are crucial to the experience of "great sex." These are experienced by way of letting go, being true to oneself, and taking risks. The 8 components are:

1. Being present, focused and embodied. This refers to having a calm mind that is not constantly analyzing what is going on, but instead, just experiencing every moment to the fullest of your ability. "You are the situation."

2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch. Described in different ways, this refers to the feeling of being one with your partner - where you literally feel that there is no difference between your bodies. Some have described this as feeling "with" the other person.

3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. This includes a deep caring for the other person, trust, genuine acceptance and admiration and deep mutual respect. This is opening up and knowing that you will be taken care of and accepted.

4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. This requires partners to be able to really listen to what the other is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. It becomes an automatic attention to detail where touch is an erotic form of communication and there is an understanding and appreciation of the other person's experience.

5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. This is what it means to be your true self, as opposed to who you think other people expect you to be. It allows you to give yourself up to your pleasure without censoring yourself.

6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. In this component, you are transported as if you have hypnotized yourself, so that everything else melts away - time, your surroundings, noises - so that all you experience is your pleasure and your partner.

7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. When you allow yourself to have fun and truly explore who you are sexually, your experience of sex takes on a new level that is not dependent on the physical.

8. Vulnerability and surrender. When you are able to give yourself up to your partner, there is no hesitation. One feels completely free, and what may have previously been scary is now extremely erotic.

There are many people who are enjoying these components of "great sex" but do not match with the media and pharmaceutical companies' very physically based idea of rock-hard erections or instant lubrication. Our ability to experience intense sexual pleasure as human beings relies on things above and beyond the animal world - our ability to experience a moment, a connection, a sharing, an understanding, and fun.

Distorted View of Women's Bodies

I am both a very visual and very sexual person. Consequently, I enjoy watching porn on occasion. Let's face it, porn is visually stimulating, erotic, and allows a person to expand their fantasy life. But I am conscious of the importance of balance in using these images for our health and well-being.

We already know that viewing porn on a regular basis changes our ideas of what we consider attractive. We adjust our view of what we consider acceptable or desirable to match what is put out there by the media - in this case, porn. We also tend to place value in the images we see when they are reinforced by being presented as exciting, desirable, and sexy. This is accomplished by the immediately aroused response seen in porn actors. I'm not saying that some of them are not enjoying their work, but at the end of the day, they are actors playing a fictional role.

It's interesting to see how porn is shaping the view of what we consider attractive or sexy. First, let's consider breasts. If you look at a comparison of Playboy centerfolds from the 1960's to now, you see a large difference not only in size, but in the shape of breasts as well. Whereas years ago it was very common to see teardrop-shaped breasts, nowadays, breasts are usually very round and seem to defy gravity. It's obvious that very round breasts look more like a pregnant woman's breast - full of milk and ready to lactate. But they also may be an indicator of sexual excitement, since breasts can increase in volume from 25 - 30% when a woman gets aroused. It also seems that surgically enhanced breasts take more of the shape that natural breasts do when a woman is laying on her back - not an uncommon position for sex. Certainly, there are some beautiful surgically enhanced breasts out there. But our society's expectation of these as the standard is what seems dangerous. In some South American countries women can even have their government-sponsored health care pay for elective breasts implants (not related to mastectomy or an accident). This is how important it has become in our culture.

If we continue our travels a little southwards (on the female figure), we notice there have been major changes in the landscaping. Where there used to be anywhere from a full bush to a neatly trimmed little patch, now it's much more common to find the absence of bush altogether. This works very well for porn if you don't want anything obstructing your camera shot. It probably makes clean up after the money shot a bit easier as well. But pubic hair has always been one of the physical characteristics that distinguishes women from girls. So where is society going with this? How did completely shaved become the norm?

Perhaps the most disturbing trend, however, is the desire for some women to "beautify" their labia by surgical reduction. Could porn also be promoting labiaplasty? This procedure involves removing a triangle-shaped wedge from the middle of the labia, then pulling the rest together and suturing it up. (Imagine a pie slice coming out from the middle of a half-circle). This creates smaller, tighter labia. And since the edges of the labia minora are usually darker than the rest, the removal of a large part of this edge results in the appearance of lighter-colored labia. In order to create a uniform, more natural look, surgeons will often also remove part of the clitoral hood when performing a labiaplasty. The surgeons who perform labiaplasty suggest that women who have large or uneven labia should feel embarrassed with a sexual partner and that the surgery would correct this. Perhaps an understanding of what genitals actually look like would correct this without the risk of side effects from surgery. If women are comparing themselves to women they see in porn movies and skin mags, they are not getting a real view of what average and normal are. Instead, I hear of 16 year-old girls already thinking that they are "not normal" and need to "get fixed" because they think their labia are too big.

My question is how far are we going to go? Is it porn driving this distorted view of women's bodies that society seems to be adopting? How are "Hollywood" plastic surgeons contributing to this by referring to their procedures as "the Barbie" (disturbing). We are not far from that plasticine figure that has exaggerated proportions and shape, and most notably has the absence of pubic hair or defined genitals. How distorted will we allow our vision of natural and beautiful to become?

Sex is a many splendored thing.

Sex is for reproduction. There is no denying this. It's the stuff of sex ed: sperm meets egg, implantation, development, etc. It is the most traditional and natural purpose for the activity. It is why we're made male and female and why part of our physical attraction to the other sex is rooted in our perception of that potential mate's ability to produce healthy children.

Sex is for entertainment. Sex is fun. It feels good. Orgasms can be all-encompasing and, for the moment, everything else fades away. If you need any evidence that sex is for entertainment, you need look no further than a woman's clitoris. It serves no reproductive purpose, it's far enough away from the vaginal opening that most women can't come with vaginal penetration alone, and it has the most concentration of nerve endings per surface area of any other spot on the human body. So if not for entertainment, why would it be there? And because our minds have the ability to travel anywhere, sex can be anything we want it to be - anything we let it be. The combination of our pleasurable physical sensations and the power of our creative mind giving us erotic fantasies, make sex the ultimate trip.

Sex is for bonding. In the act of sex, we have the opportunity to reveal ourselves to our partner. Each time we do this and we have a positive experience, this brings us closer to them and allows our trust in them to grow. Also, having orgasms with our partners helps us feel closer to them, especially if we take advantage of the post-orgasm oxytocin release and lay in each others arms, lay on top of each other, cuddle, or fall asleep touching each other. So we see that sex is a mechanism which can increase emotional ties.

Sex is for winning. The act of sex is concerned with conquest and domination. That feeling of power can be a huge rush and part of the excitement of sex. And where there is conquest and domination, there is also surrender and submission. Through the act of sex, we also see how the submissive really has the power, and experience the pleasure that accompanies that position.

Sex is for compromise. In the process of coming together for sex, we realize that we are two different people with different wants, desires, fantasies, energy levels, and agendas. There are many times that sex requires a compromise on our part in order to please our partner, and vice versa. Hopefully, we learn how to negotiate our relationship so that both partners can have enjoyment and rapture in sex. When we learn to get excited by watching our partner get off, we accept compromise more easily and see that it is normal in our sex life to have a variety of activity, sometimes just for your partner, and sometimes just for you.

Sex is for personal growth. One of the amazing things about sex is that it gives us the opportunity to look into the core of who we are emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Sometimes we scare ourselves. But whatever we find, we experience an opportunity for growth and personal acceptance. If you realize that deep down we all have desires that have elements of aggression, or selfishness, or dependency, or adoration - and learn to accept that this is natural - we can learn to let go of unnecessary anxiety or guilt that may be interfering with our happiness and success.

Sex is for health. Our bodies work well when we have a regular pattern of sex. Sex helps us handle stress better and helps us feel less physical pain. Men who orgasm at least once per week were found to have better prostate health. And women who orgasm at least once per week have stronger PC muscles and decrease their chance for urinary incontinence later in life. Regular sexual activity keeps our blood flowing to our gentinals and a healthy balance of neurotransmitters flowing in our brains.

These things are neither good nor bad, they just are. And when we have a balance of all of these, we experience more happiness, more success, more peace, and more health both in our sex lives and our lives in general. Enjoy.