Create Your Own Porn

Pornography is misused, misappropriated, and misunderstood. With the advent of the internet, YouTube, and other forms of streaming media readily available, there has been an exponential growth in the viewing and downloading of porn over the last 20 years. Consequently, there has also been a backlash to this increased use with fixation on labels such as "sexual addiction" used by some to accuse and others to rationalize. But despite the paranoia surrounding it, pornography can be a very useful tool for increasing sexual arousal, as well as exploring your own sexuality.

Pornography is defined simply as anything that is created with the intention of arousing sexual desire - artwork, writing, pictures, etc. We can see that pornography in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. But as with most things in life, it can get out of control or be unhealthy for us if we do not use it in a way that is balanced. Pornography can be very useful for individuals or couples to increase their sexual arousal and excitement. But it does take discipline. It is easily misused to get continuous sexual stimulation, but eventually can lead to boredom and the search for higher and higher levels of stimulation.

The way our minds work, we need some variety to keep us interested. This is true for sex as it is for most areas in life. Couples that have been together for some time may become discouraged if they do not have the same level of excitement with each other, unless they realize that need to work at creating that excitement through variety. Pornography can be very helpful in providing erotic material to spice things up. But just as with a favorite movie or book, if we continuously see it over and over again, we can get bored with it as well. This is why taking a step back and creating our own porn can make all the difference in the world.

Creating your own porn consists of taking images that you might have seen in a porn movie or magazine, or read about in an erotic story, and then practicing having variations on that theme in your own mind. Instead of going back and watching a movie again, for example, you may whisper to your partner what was particularly exciting for you. Or you can keep it to yourself and replay a particularly exciting idea or scenario. You can practice making up different scenes or images related to it. In this way, you work with your own brain's creativity to increase your capacity for sexual fantasy, and you have less opportunity to become desensitized, or bored, with that particular theme.

Remember that fantasies are a natural way that our mind works to create exciting thoughts for us and get us aroused. Fantasies can consist of almost anything, but are usually images related to the time of our sexual awakening and (believe it or not) our anxieties. Sometime people are embarrassed or feel guilty about having certain fantasies, but it is important to remember that it is very common to fantasize about something that we don't necessarily want to do in real life. When we create our own porn, we also give ourselves artistic license to explore what images and themes are particularly exciting to us. And because our sexuality is constantly evolving throughout our life, you may find that your images and themes may morph, or shift, or go in cycles. It's all fair game.

Distorted View of Women's Bodies

I am both a very visual and very sexual person. Consequently, I enjoy watching porn on occasion. Let's face it, porn is visually stimulating, erotic, and allows a person to expand their fantasy life. But I am conscious of the importance of balance in using these images for our health and well-being.

We already know that viewing porn on a regular basis changes our ideas of what we consider attractive. We adjust our view of what we consider acceptable or desirable to match what is put out there by the media - in this case, porn. We also tend to place value in the images we see when they are reinforced by being presented as exciting, desirable, and sexy. This is accomplished by the immediately aroused response seen in porn actors. I'm not saying that some of them are not enjoying their work, but at the end of the day, they are actors playing a fictional role.

It's interesting to see how porn is shaping the view of what we consider attractive or sexy. First, let's consider breasts. If you look at a comparison of Playboy centerfolds from the 1960's to now, you see a large difference not only in size, but in the shape of breasts as well. Whereas years ago it was very common to see teardrop-shaped breasts, nowadays, breasts are usually very round and seem to defy gravity. It's obvious that very round breasts look more like a pregnant woman's breast - full of milk and ready to lactate. But they also may be an indicator of sexual excitement, since breasts can increase in volume from 25 - 30% when a woman gets aroused. It also seems that surgically enhanced breasts take more of the shape that natural breasts do when a woman is laying on her back - not an uncommon position for sex. Certainly, there are some beautiful surgically enhanced breasts out there. But our society's expectation of these as the standard is what seems dangerous. In some South American countries women can even have their government-sponsored health care pay for elective breasts implants (not related to mastectomy or an accident). This is how important it has become in our culture.

If we continue our travels a little southwards (on the female figure), we notice there have been major changes in the landscaping. Where there used to be anywhere from a full bush to a neatly trimmed little patch, now it's much more common to find the absence of bush altogether. This works very well for porn if you don't want anything obstructing your camera shot. It probably makes clean up after the money shot a bit easier as well. But pubic hair has always been one of the physical characteristics that distinguishes women from girls. So where is society going with this? How did completely shaved become the norm?

Perhaps the most disturbing trend, however, is the desire for some women to "beautify" their labia by surgical reduction. Could porn also be promoting labiaplasty? This procedure involves removing a triangle-shaped wedge from the middle of the labia, then pulling the rest together and suturing it up. (Imagine a pie slice coming out from the middle of a half-circle). This creates smaller, tighter labia. And since the edges of the labia minora are usually darker than the rest, the removal of a large part of this edge results in the appearance of lighter-colored labia. In order to create a uniform, more natural look, surgeons will often also remove part of the clitoral hood when performing a labiaplasty. The surgeons who perform labiaplasty suggest that women who have large or uneven labia should feel embarrassed with a sexual partner and that the surgery would correct this. Perhaps an understanding of what genitals actually look like would correct this without the risk of side effects from surgery. If women are comparing themselves to women they see in porn movies and skin mags, they are not getting a real view of what average and normal are. Instead, I hear of 16 year-old girls already thinking that they are "not normal" and need to "get fixed" because they think their labia are too big.

My question is how far are we going to go? Is it porn driving this distorted view of women's bodies that society seems to be adopting? How are "Hollywood" plastic surgeons contributing to this by referring to their procedures as "the Barbie" (disturbing). We are not far from that plasticine figure that has exaggerated proportions and shape, and most notably has the absence of pubic hair or defined genitals. How distorted will we allow our vision of natural and beautiful to become?

Understanding the Efficiency of the Body and Mind - Sexual Boredom

It's not uncommon to find ourselves asking the question "How come things aren't working the way I want them to?" In life, we have greater success when we understand the rules of the game and use our energy to work with the system than against the system. It is using the rules of the game to our advantage. This is the basis of Taoism - working with the harmony of the universe rather than against it. In few places is this as evident to us as in the human body and mind. The human body and mind work in concert together in the most efficient manner possible. This is our natural design meant to utilize the least amount of energy for living. If we have an understanding of the way our body and mind work, we can use this information to achieve greater success and happiness.

So what is meant by efficiency of the human body and mind? This refers to the body's attempt at learning and becoming accustomed to regular states and behaviors at all levels - organ systems, tissues, and cells. One such example of this is the concept of muscle memory. If you do a particular activity repeatedly - such as reach for the alarm clock in the morning - your body learns the exact muscle movements in the approximate position by trial and error. Eventually there is very little thinking or calculating involved in reaching for the alarm when it goes off. In this way, your brain is being more efficient in directing your body's movements. This is an energy saver for your brain - metabolically economic for your body. But it can work against you if you turn it off when you're half-asleep and sleep through the morning.

Another example of efficiency of the human body is evident when it comes to exercise and nutrition. If we start a particular exercise routine - let's use the elliptical machine as an example - at first, we tend to burn more calories and the muscles we are using will get sore. But if we continue with this regular routine, our body will build up those muscles just enough to prevent muscle fatigue (no more than that) and make sure those muscles are supplied with just enough energy stores in the form of glycogen to get the job done. It won't build up the muscles or keep more energy available than it thinks it will need. At that point, you will start to burn less calories with the same activity and find that your have reached a plateau with either your muscle build up or your weight loss. Many people get very frustrated when they reach this point because they don't realize that this is the natural way their body works, and so they don't know where to go from there. But if you are aware of this, you can change your workout routine to a different motion (like the treadmill or the stationary bike) or change the intensity (like intervals instead of constant pace) without decreasing your caloric intake for continued muscle building or weight loss. This is the reason why many people change their workout routine every 3 months or so.

Now how does all of this apply to sex, you ask? Well, this constant striving towards efficiency occurs with experiences and familiar situations too. We quickly become accustomed to patterns that occur repeatedly so that we can process the information more quickly. Our brain's default is to actually pays less attention to things that are familiar to us because it matches it up to memories and established patterns. This helps us understand better the issue of sexual boredom. If something is familiar to us, our brain actually pays less attention to it and looks for new or different information to focus on. Even though this is the default position for our brain, we can still choose to focus our attention on something familiar, but it takes more energy and effort to do this. Many couples will interpret this decrease in attention and excitement to a familiar person or situation as no longer being attracted to their partner, or no longer desiring their partner. They expect the same stimulus to produce the same excitement that they felt when they first met this person or were learning about their partner. If we don't understand what our brain is doing, we may look to leave our partners, assuming that the boredom is related to the person and relationship rather than to how our brain naturally operates.

What this means for our sex life is that it does take effort and energy to keep ourselves interested and excited. Not only can we focus our attention on our partners in ways that our brain takes for granted, but we can also change the environment to create a higher level of attention and excitement. This is why introducing a little role play, or exchanging some fantasy material with your partner, or even doing it in a different room of the house can put a dent in sexual boredom. Something unexpected raises our level of attention and excitation. Now that we understand a little better how our brain works, remember that if you stick to the new stimuli, you will quickly become accustomed to this too. If you decided to watch a porn with your partner to spice things up, you may find that trying it once and then putting it away for a couple of months will work out better than watching it now every time you want to have sex. If you watch it every time, then it will become boring and predictable as well. Just think of a good movie that you saw in the theater: if it comes on tv and it's been awhile since you saw it, you might find it interesting to watch again. But if you start watching it everyday, you will tune it out and start looking for other things instead. It's the same thing with sex. One strategy to use with your sex life is building up your capacity for fantasy and using that with your partner. For example, if you watched a porn together that was very exciting, instead of watching it over and over again, whisper to your partner what he or she found exciting about it while you're having sex: "Remember when they did so-and-so?" or "It was so intense when she was doing xyz!" In this way you are working with your brain for increased excitement in your sexual relationship rather than working against it.

What can porn teach you about giving a woman oral sex?

There seems to be an attitude pushed by the media that all aspects of sex should just come natural to us and that we should already instinctually know how to have good sex. And with pressure from peers and society comes anxiety about whether or not we know what we're doing, or whether we are doing it well, etc. This anxiety causes many people to feel embarrased to ask questions for fear that they will be seen as inexperienced and so they may turn to porn as a guide. It's not surprising then, to find that a large percentage of people, both men and women, say that they use porn to guide them as to how they should perform oral sex.

Now I'm not talking about soft-porn here, where you don't really "see" the details of having sex. I'm talking about hardcore porn which shows actual penetration and actual mouth-genital contact/oral sex. If you are using this kind of porn to guide you about oral sex, you should know what it can and cannot teach you.

The trouble with using porn as your guide for oral sex is that what makes for good porn cinematography doesn't always make for good oral sex. A good camera shot in porn is considered one in which the viewer can see details about what's going on. That means that a man's face (for example) has to have some distance from a woman's pussy so that you can see his tongue on her lips and clitoris. In order to get that shot, a tongue has to be stretched far outside his mouth. This may look great onscreen, but doesn't necessarily create the best experience for the giver or the receiver.

First of all, the further your tongue is outside your mouth, the more quickly it's going to get tired. Most women need continuous stimulation on a certain spot in order to reach orgasm, so you want to increase your ability to keep going. Also, it only allows for a small area of contact between his tongue and her lips/clitoris. One of the pleasures of oral sex is the feeling of pressure and warmth and wetness that comes from having a softer, flatter tongue and includes lips too. So instead of having this distance, you should get close and use your whole mouth - lips and tongue.

Also, the clitoris is a very sensitive area. Many times, porn shots start right off with very intense and quick stimulation with a tongue or fingers over the clitoris. Unless a woman has already been excited for a period of time, she probably needs to be able to build up to this level of stimulation. Most women find it more comfortable to start off slower and softer, and build up as her level of excitement increases. Some don't need to change from the slower pace at all - they just need the constant motion.

So if you were to take your direction from porn, you might think that every woman wants to have her pussy slapped, or their clitoris sucked hard, or a pointy tongue frantically rubbing on their clit from the word "go." You are better off asking your woman what she likes and what she wants, because every woman is different. Start off slow and try different things. Instead of just zeroing in on her clit, explore the area with your lips and tongue. Some women actually prefer to have their clitoris stimulated indirectly from the side, or having their lips licked from the vaginal opening up towards the clitoris. There is some very sensitive spongy tissue in that area that can produce intense excitement. Some like a combination of tongue with fingers helping out either inside or outside. Some like to have fingers roam down and around their anus. You have to see what it is that your woman likes, not just make assumptions from what you saw in a porn flick.

Now, I do think that there is something that porn can teach us about good oral sex - and that is enthusiasm. Just like all other aspects of sex, if a woman thinks that her partner is not into it, or is not enjoying it, this will take away from her ability to enjoy herself and get excited from it. If, however, you tell your woman what you like about eating her out and it's clear that you enjoy the process, she can get lost in the moment and let it take her to orgasm. Bon appetit!