How Do You Initiate Sex With Your Partner?

How do you communicate to your partner that you want to have sex or are open to having sex? This may seem like an obvious question to some, but really think about it for a moment. How does your partner know when you are ready to have sex? Many times couples find that they are not sure what their partner is thinking, what they are in the mood for, and they don't really know how to ask.

This often becomes an issue after a couple has been together for awhile and their relationship is strong and healthy. As your partner becomes more and more important to you, and as you depend more on their happiness for your own, you may find yourself taking a back seat to their needs. This is to be expected, especially in situations in which you do not want to add to their stress or demands. The result for many may be that they take a "wait and see" approach to initiating sex. This means that they try to take their cues from their partners before making their desire known. But what if your partner is doing the same thing? You may never ask each other for sex, and the tension of how to communicate this grows heavier.

One exercise that a couple can do is to ask each other, "How can I tell if you are in the mood? How will you let me know?" This opens the door of communication so that you are not attempting to guess what your partner is trying to tell you. It also puts each person at ease to more freely communicate when they are thinking about or desiring sex.

Another wonderful exercise that couples can do is to ask each other "Under what circumstances do you let yourself get turned on?" At first, this may seem like an odd question because most people think that getting turned on depends on someone else doing something to you. But the reality is that our mind controls our level of sexual arousal by either being open to what's happening around us and our own erotic thoughts, or by keeping us shut off from potentially exciting events, thoughts, or stimulation.

One complaint that I have heard often is that people's expectation is that sex should happen spontaneously - the feeling just comes over you, and magically it works out, like in a romantic movie. But such expectations are unrealistic and do not take into account the reality of busy schedules and stressful lives. A good sex life takes work, planning, and a little risk taking. So if you find yourself in that uncomfortable position of playing Chip and Dale (the Disney version! - "What do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do?") try having a few conversations about sex. The results might surprise you!

Simultaneous Orgasms

In some people's vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it's an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one's sexual activities coming to it's logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It's true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some "marriage manuals" actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.

Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.

If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.

At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn't be.

Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away - time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner's body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner's orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse - not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.

Shape Up for Sex, Part Two

In my attempts to get everyone up off their couch and exercising to improve their sex life, here is part two of of "Shape Up for Sex." Part One describes two easy stretches and exercises vital for maintaining flexibility important for your sex life. A much earlier post, "Do you have 2 minutes for Sex?" gives a basic rag-doll stretch that helps relieve muscle tightness from your ankles up to the back of your neck. Check both of these out if you haven't already. Here, we have two more stretches and two more exercises to incorporate into your day. They are simple, don't require any special equipment, and definitely contribute to increased strength and stamina in your sex life.

The first stretch is a stretch of the quadratus lumborum muscle of the lower back. Many people experience tightness in this muscle, but don't know of an effective way of relieving this tension. I find this method to be the most simple, straightforward, and safest way to stretch this muscle. You begin by standing straight up and crossing your right foot in front of your left foot. You may choose to position yourself next to the arm of the couch if you need to hang on to something. Next, you bend your body slowly to the left side until you feel the stretch in your right lower back. Make sure that you are bending straight to the side and not bending your body forward. Next, hold this position for between 30-60 seconds. Remember that in order to have an effective stretch, you need to hold it more than 30 seconds with no bouncing. Then switch legs and stretch to the other side.

The next stretch is the child's pose from yoga. This is another wonderful stretch for both the lower back, as well as the upper back and shoulders. You start by kneeling and sitting back onto your feet. Then you bend your body forward with your arms stretched out in front of you. As you exhale, lower your head until your forward touches the floor. Then relax into this stretch and hold this position for one minute.

And now for the exercises. We will start with push ups. These build strength that not only help men stabilize themselves in positions when they are on top, but also can be helpful for women especially when trying positions such as being on all fours, or seated on top of her partner and using her arms to hold the back of a chair or couch. The goal is to be able to do 3 sets of 10 push ups. If you cannot do 10 consecutively, do as many as you can and work your way up over time. If you are not strong enough to do one full push up, which is the case for many women, you can place your knees on the floor and push up from there instead of your toes. The most important thing about push ups is to keep your body straight (as in the plank position) and not lift up your hips.

The last exercise today concentrates on your thighs. At first, it seems quite simple. But after several repetitions, you will feel the work out in your muscles. Start by squatting on the floor with your feet about shoulder width apart and the palms of your hands flat on the floor. From this position, you will push your palms into the floor as you straighten your legs. The motion ends when you have straightened your legs as much as you can while still keeping your hands flat on the floor. Your goal for this exercise is to do 3 sets of 30 repetitions. Like the push ups, if you cannot do a full 30 repetitions, do as many as you can and work your way up to 30 over time.

For those who already have a regular workout routine, adding these simple stretches and exercises add to your strength and flexibility for a variety of sex positions. For those who do not have a regular workout routine, these are simple movements that take only a few minutes a day and will maintain your sexual fitness. So use these and put yourself in optimal shape for good sex.

Exercising Your Concentration for a Better Sex Life

Most people have heard about the use of meditation for relaxation. We first learn to focus on our breath, which grounds us in the present and helps quiet our mind of all other thoughts for the moment. It is a wonderful practice that becomes easier to do with repetition and time. By concentrating on your breath - the way it feels to draw the breath in, the fullness of holding it for that split second, then the feeling of the exhalation and release of tension - all other thoughts are momentarily suspended and cannot affect you. This reduces anxiety and allows the brain to relax.

In sex, we often have a multitude of anxious thoughts running through our mind - "Does my partner think I'm attractive?", "Am I going to be able to get as excited as I need to?", "Is my partner going to be happy with me?" Such thoughts are the brain's attempt to control the experience and achieve success. The paradox, however, is that these attempts of controlling the experience increase our anxiety, which short-circuits our sexual arousal. For some people, this is experienced as difficulty attaining or maintaining an erection, or difficulty lubricating, or excess muscle tension not allowing for penetration. If you are able to quiet these thoughts, and instead focus your attention on the pleasurable physical sensations you are experiencing, or fantasies that excite you, then you allow yourself to continue to have heightened sexual arousal.

This is where concentrations exercises can be of benefit. By practicing exercises in concentration and focus daily, you can enhance your brain's ability to focus and quiet your anxious, racing thoughts. First, pick a time and place where you will not be disturbed for a few minutes. It should be relatively quiet or have noise that fades in the background. In front of the tv or with music on is not conducive to focusing your attention. Once you have a few minutes free, you can start off by taking a simple object, nothing too complex, and placing all of your attention on it. You can either hold it, or just watch it where it sits. Next, you will notice the color of it, and the texture. You can notice any shadows or changes in reflection. Pay attention to its shape and edges. Continue to focus on this object and breathe normally.

If you notice that your mind wants to wander to something else, just calmly bring it back to focusing on the object. At first, practice doing this for about 3 minutes at a time each day. Once you feel comfortable with that amount of time, increase it to 5 minutes at a time every day. Eventually, you can work up to 10 minutes at a time or more. By doing this, you are retraining your mind to focus and you are improving your ability to concentrate. With practice, your ability becomes stronger and it becomes easier for you to quiet your mind and focus on the present moment. With this ability, you can translate it into increased enjoyment and sexual satisfaction by placing more of your attention on what's actually happening in the moment, rather than have your brain occupied by past experiences or future worries. Not only does it heighten your sexual pleasure, but it also increases your connection with your partner, really opening the door to great sex.

Shape Up for Sex, Part One

Today, I would like to present a few stretches and exercises that are easy to perform and can improve your sexual performance and satisfaction. If you take care of yourself, you put yourself in a better position to enjoy sex, feel more comfortable with your body, and increase your sexual pleasure because of it. Let me say that having a regular exercise regimen is the best plan for your overall health and your sexual functioning because it maintains your muscle strength, your metabolism, your endurance, your blood flow, and your sleep patterns. But there are specific exercises that help you strengthen those muscle groups you often use in sex. And if you have been avoiding your body lately, here are some simple suggestions that can get you back on track. They can be done without any special equipment right in your living room or bedroom floor. And the beauty of these is that they are important for both men and women to prepare for a better time in the bedroom. Please do these stretches and exercises on the floor and not on your bed, as the movement of the bed increases your risk for injuries and does not allow for maximal stretching.

Let's start with the stretches. These are particularly important because when you increase your muscle flexibility, you increase your range of motion which allows for increased endurance and comfort in a variety of positions in sex. These stretches should be performed for a couple of minutes a day, every day. This way, you will be able build on your existing flexibility and add to it little by little each day. Remember, that when you stretch, you should hold the position for at least 30 seconds and up to 60 seconds or longer if it possible. The reason for this is that muscle tissue does not fully relax for the first 30 seconds or so and requires more time to get results. Also important is to hold a steady stretch and not to bounce. Although many people stretch this way, it actually promotes muscle tension and does not help you stretch effectively.

The first stretch starts by laying flat on your back on the floor. Take a deep breath in, then exhale. As you do this, feel the tension go out through the bottoms of your feet. Then bend your knees and lift them both up towards your chest. Next, hold on to your knees with your hands, or if you can, wrap your arms around your knees. Your legs will probably be most comfortable on each side of your body. As you do this, pull your knees towards you and hold this position. Breathe normally and with each exhale, imagine your lower back flat against the floor. This will relax the muscles of the lower back while also stretching some of the tiny muscles of the hip joint. You can enjoy this relaxing position for several minutes.

The next stretch is a basic straddle that is often done in gymnastics or in martial arts. The point of this stretch is to loosen any tension in the inner part of the thigh muscles. It is very important that you do not force this position, as there are large tendons here that are not as elastic as the muscles they are connected to. For this stretch, you sit on the floor and place your legs in a "V" shape to each side. It is important that you only spread you legs until you start to feel some tension on the inside of your thighs and no more. Next, place the palms of your hands flat on the floor in front of you to support your body. Then you will start the stretch by leaning forward with your head and body until you feel a good stretch in your inner thighs. Once you have found a good position, hold this and breathe in a slow and relaxed way, imagining with each exhalation that your muscles are stretching just a little bit more. Remember not to bounce here!

Now on to two exercises that are simple to do, but deceptively difficult if you are not accustomed to strengthening your core. The first exercise focuses on the core muscles, especially the abdominals, but can work on upper arms, thighs, buttocks and back if these are not strong. For those of you familiar with yoga, the first exercise I am going to describe is known as "the plank". For those who have not practiced yoga, it is easiest to start laying face down on the floor. Place the palms of your hands on each side of your shoulders and flat against the floor so that your forearms are also flat against the floor. Curl your toes so that you are on the balls of your feet as well. Next, lift your weight up onto your forearms and palms, lifting your entire body down to your feet, and hold this position. You will find that you need to pull your abdominal muscles tight in order to maintain this position. Breathe as normally as possible for at least 15 normal breaths. As your strength increases, you can also increase the time that you hold this position.

The last exercise is known in yoga as "the bridge." You begin by laying on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Your arms should also be flat on the floor to either side of your body. Next, you will press the soles of your feet into the ground and you lift your hips in the air until your weight is resting only on your feet and your upper back/shoulders. You will find that you need to press your gluteus muscles up towards the ceiling to maintain a straight position. Breathe and hold this position as you did for the plank.

By doing these stretches and exercises, men will find that they can increase their endurance for thrusting and women can increase their ability to press their hips up against their partner to match their thrusts. Stretching also helps take the pressure off of the lower back for both men and women and increases the comfort of maintaining sexual positions for longer periods of time. Remember that good sex starts with taking care of yourself first.

How Anxiety Messes-Up Sex

In my practice, I have to say that upwards of 80% of the difficulties that people have with their sex lives and sexual functioning is rooted in anxiety. Most of the work I do is teaching people how to let go of their anxiety and just allow themselves to experience pleasure. From vaginismus, to premature ejaculation, to erectile dysfuntion in the absence of physical problems, to arousal difficulties in women - to name a few, all these are based in anxiety. The interesting thing about anxiety is that, although many people would admit that they have anxiety, many don't understand how it could interfere with their sexual arousal and performance. So I would like to take a couples of lines to speak about how anxiety interferes with sex.

Anxiety (or stress, nervousness, worry, or fear) is a natural part of life. Without a little anxiety, there would be little motivation to get things done or any sign to tell us that we are in danger. Anxiety is a way of alerting the body and mind that it should take some action. In order to understand just how anxiety works, it is important to explain the body's autonomic system. This is the part of the nervous system that is not under our voluntary control. It is divided into the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic nervous system is the one that is charged with our regenerative functions. It is the dominant system when we are digesting our food, sleeping, and maintaining our internal organs. It is opposed by the sympathetic nervous system, more commonly known as the "fight or flight response." When we are in danger and the sympathetic nervous system takes over, blood is diverted away from the internal organs and instead sent to the large voluntary muscles that allow us to take immediate physical action. It does this by constricting the blood vessels that supply our internal organs and raising our blood pressure. The heart beats faster to get the blood to the arms and legs, and the lungs breathe shallower and faster. These two parts of the autonomic nervous system directly oppose each other - the sympathetic system taking over quickly when danger (anxiety) is perceived. The difficulty is that our brain perceives our own anxious thoughts as signals of danger, and we respond physically with our sympathetic nervous system.

But what many people do not know is that sexual arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. It is important for the body and the mind to relax in order to have physical manifestations of sexual excitation. During arousal, blood flow to the pelvis and genitals increases when the blood vessels relax. This results in an erection for men and increased blood to the prostate, and in engorgement of the clitoris and other spongy tissue as well as lubrication in women.

With anxiety, these blood vessels constrict and sufficient blood cannot flow to the appropriate tissues. Different people are affected by anxiety at different levels. For some, a little is all it takes. It could be as simple and telling yourself "What if I don't get aroused?" Some wonder if their partner is attracted to them or if they will be pleased. Others try to will themselves to get aroused - which is counter to what the brain is trying to do.

The most important thing is to learn how to calm your own anxiety. Learning to soothe yourself and turn your negative thoughts into more positive and motivating thoughts is the way to achieve mastery over anxiety. Many people try to medicate their anxiety away or seek sexual enhancement agents to override their anxiety. This very often comes with side effects, or can result in a physical or psychological dependence. But learning how to decrease our anxiety takes effort, practice, and time. Unfortunately, our society seems to be moving more and more to instant gratification without taking responsibility or effort. But for those who would like to re-establish balance in their lives, be no longer ruled by anxiety, and not have to depend on medications for their sexual arousal and pleasure - I am there for you.

Masturbation Does Not Equal Failure

In speaking to people about masturbation, one of my favorite activities topics, I find that many people equate masturbation with failure. They interpret the action of masturbating as a reminder that they do not have a partner, or are not getting satisfied with their partner. Consider, as well, the way that we are taught about masturbation - that it is unnatural, against nature, and a sin - usually by way of religious education. Our public opinion is so averse to masturbation that our government would fire a Surgeon General for not suggesting, but just agreeing with the idea that teaching masturbation to teenagers might reduce the incidence of risky sexual behavior. This, of course, was from President Clinton - who might have done better to engage in a little masturbation, in private, rather than oral sex and outer sex with a woman other than his wife. A little masturbation could have saved taxpayers the $6 or $7 million dollars that were spent investigating him.

By viewing masturbation as a failure, we are refusing to take responsibility of our own sexuality and our own sexual pleasure. The rejection of masturbation as an acceptable activity assumes that we depend on others for sexual satisfaction. By doing this, we imprison ourselves and give away the key. This means that not only does happiness in our sex life rely on having a partner, but also requires that our partner be ready, willing, and able whenever we want. For those of us living in the real world, we know that this is not always the case. In fact, for the majority of women, sexual intercourse alone does not provide enough excitement or stimulation to acheive orgasm. But with lessons learned from masturbating, women can explore with their partner different ways to provide the needed stimulation by teaching their partner to stimulate them, or by stimulating themselves manually during intercourse.

Masturbation can also be a very erotic activity to engage in with your partner. Many couples enjoy watching each other get off, while others like to get their partners off. It can be part of the beginning, middle, or end of an evening of sexual activity. Remember, there is no set format for sex unless you limit yourself to one. The only failure I see here is if a person fails to allow themselves maximal pleasure and variety in their sexual activities.

Some would argue that masturbation is not natural and is an abomination. This is to ignore the fact that masturbation is an activity that we teach ourselves and is found to occur even before birth in the womb. The extreme negative view is more indicative of other people's insecurities and neuroses rather than the reality of the natural process of masturbation. And especially for women, who have the clitoris which serves no other function than to give pleasure, it is clear that we were built for more than just reproduction.

Perhaps the biggest misconception is that we should not engage in masturbation if we do not have a partner, but instead just let our natural sexual desires shrivel away over time. Some view masturbation so negatively that they would rather completely ignore the entirety of their sexuality than to engage in masturbation. Again, here is the reverberation of the idea that in order to be sexual, you must have a partner. In my opinion, this is to sell yourself short. By doing so, you ignore all of the physical and psychological benefits of having regular sexual arousal and satisfaction. Instead of viewing masturbation as failure, I see it as a proactive, healthy affirmation and reinforcement of our sexual self. It supports healthy physiology for our brains as well as our bodies.

Kissing as an Event

Was kissing ever an event for you? Or was it always a means to an end - something to be pushed along faster and faster to escalate to sex? The challenge now is to slow ourselves down with the goal of rediscovering the magic of kissing. This help us take the focus off of intercourse and reconnect with the excitement of gentle touching. Here is a wonderful example of kissing for the sake of kissing:

"I remember when I was about 12 or 13 years old, there was a boy in the neighborhood my same age who took a liking to me - and I to him. We would meet in the afternoons after school and spend hours talking and exploring. What I remember the most were the hours that we would spend kissing slowly. It seemed like those kisses would go on forever and were magical. Every detail was savored like it was an entire experience unto itself. His lips did not hesitate, but they did not push. It was like a perfect dance of kissing and being kissed. His tongue was present, but waiting to explore mine quietly and tenderly. As I would slide the tip of my tongue over his, it seemed like a whole new depth to our kisses that reverberated in my chest. As he would press against my lips, it would serve only to increase my hunger for another kiss to reclaim the feeling. We could go on like that for hours and were never hurried to move on to other things. The kissing was satisfying enough. To this day, I cannot remember his face, but only his mouth."

Kissing is a very intimate form of communication. Through a kiss, one person tells another how open they are to them, how relaxed they are, how present they are. When we kiss, we take in our partner's scent, their breath, their being. Because our lips have about 200 times the nerve endings that our fingertips have, they are much more sensitive to light touch and pressure. If done with intention, kissing is one of the most sensual experiences that you can share with another. There is a reason why the Kama Sutra goes on to discourse about some 30 different types of kisses. Kissing also decreases our stress as it reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) that we have circulating through our bodies. And it is one of the best ways to boost oxytocin in men, which increases bonding. But too often, we forget about the mystery and magic of kissing and we gloss over the importance of kissing. We become accustomed to using kissing merely as a prelude to further sexual activity and we forget how it used to create wonderment and tremendous excitement in us.

Did you ever have a time when you would just kiss your partner for hours with the only goal being the enjoyment of the kissing itself? Reconnecting to the joy of kissing is a wonderful way to heighten the excitement between you and add variety to your sex life. So in preparation for Valentine's Day, take some time out just for kissing. Make kissing an event. Try an evening of kissing, without moving on to sex, just kissing. Immerse yourself in your partners lips, tongue, cheeks, and caresses. Explore kissing their face, behind their ears, over their eyes and forehead. And deliberately kiss your partner slowly to feel each movement in their mouth and tongue. In the end, our mind controls what is pleasing to us and what we choose to focus on. Kissing can be an activity all on its own that can be slow, deliberate, and take up hours. You can get lost in the feel of your partner's lips softly pressing against yours. You can marvel at touching their tongue with yours as you move slow to feel every passing moment. You can allow yourself to get lost in the moment. You can make kissing an event.

Understanding the Efficiency of the Body and Mind - Sexual Boredom

It's not uncommon to find ourselves asking the question "How come things aren't working the way I want them to?" In life, we have greater success when we understand the rules of the game and use our energy to work with the system than against the system. It is using the rules of the game to our advantage. This is the basis of Taoism - working with the harmony of the universe rather than against it. In few places is this as evident to us as in the human body and mind. The human body and mind work in concert together in the most efficient manner possible. This is our natural design meant to utilize the least amount of energy for living. If we have an understanding of the way our body and mind work, we can use this information to achieve greater success and happiness.

So what is meant by efficiency of the human body and mind? This refers to the body's attempt at learning and becoming accustomed to regular states and behaviors at all levels - organ systems, tissues, and cells. One such example of this is the concept of muscle memory. If you do a particular activity repeatedly - such as reach for the alarm clock in the morning - your body learns the exact muscle movements in the approximate position by trial and error. Eventually there is very little thinking or calculating involved in reaching for the alarm when it goes off. In this way, your brain is being more efficient in directing your body's movements. This is an energy saver for your brain - metabolically economic for your body. But it can work against you if you turn it off when you're half-asleep and sleep through the morning.

Another example of efficiency of the human body is evident when it comes to exercise and nutrition. If we start a particular exercise routine - let's use the elliptical machine as an example - at first, we tend to burn more calories and the muscles we are using will get sore. But if we continue with this regular routine, our body will build up those muscles just enough to prevent muscle fatigue (no more than that) and make sure those muscles are supplied with just enough energy stores in the form of glycogen to get the job done. It won't build up the muscles or keep more energy available than it thinks it will need. At that point, you will start to burn less calories with the same activity and find that your have reached a plateau with either your muscle build up or your weight loss. Many people get very frustrated when they reach this point because they don't realize that this is the natural way their body works, and so they don't know where to go from there. But if you are aware of this, you can change your workout routine to a different motion (like the treadmill or the stationary bike) or change the intensity (like intervals instead of constant pace) without decreasing your caloric intake for continued muscle building or weight loss. This is the reason why many people change their workout routine every 3 months or so.

Now how does all of this apply to sex, you ask? Well, this constant striving towards efficiency occurs with experiences and familiar situations too. We quickly become accustomed to patterns that occur repeatedly so that we can process the information more quickly. Our brain's default is to actually pays less attention to things that are familiar to us because it matches it up to memories and established patterns. This helps us understand better the issue of sexual boredom. If something is familiar to us, our brain actually pays less attention to it and looks for new or different information to focus on. Even though this is the default position for our brain, we can still choose to focus our attention on something familiar, but it takes more energy and effort to do this. Many couples will interpret this decrease in attention and excitement to a familiar person or situation as no longer being attracted to their partner, or no longer desiring their partner. They expect the same stimulus to produce the same excitement that they felt when they first met this person or were learning about their partner. If we don't understand what our brain is doing, we may look to leave our partners, assuming that the boredom is related to the person and relationship rather than to how our brain naturally operates.

What this means for our sex life is that it does take effort and energy to keep ourselves interested and excited. Not only can we focus our attention on our partners in ways that our brain takes for granted, but we can also change the environment to create a higher level of attention and excitement. This is why introducing a little role play, or exchanging some fantasy material with your partner, or even doing it in a different room of the house can put a dent in sexual boredom. Something unexpected raises our level of attention and excitation. Now that we understand a little better how our brain works, remember that if you stick to the new stimuli, you will quickly become accustomed to this too. If you decided to watch a porn with your partner to spice things up, you may find that trying it once and then putting it away for a couple of months will work out better than watching it now every time you want to have sex. If you watch it every time, then it will become boring and predictable as well. Just think of a good movie that you saw in the theater: if it comes on tv and it's been awhile since you saw it, you might find it interesting to watch again. But if you start watching it everyday, you will tune it out and start looking for other things instead. It's the same thing with sex. One strategy to use with your sex life is building up your capacity for fantasy and using that with your partner. For example, if you watched a porn together that was very exciting, instead of watching it over and over again, whisper to your partner what he or she found exciting about it while you're having sex: "Remember when they did so-and-so?" or "It was so intense when she was doing xyz!" In this way you are working with your brain for increased excitement in your sexual relationship rather than working against it.

Kegels for Men and Women

I'm always telling people that exercise will do them good and give them a better quality of life. Perhaps none is more applicable to your sex life than Kegel exercises. These exercises are simple, can be done anytime anywhere, and are guaranteed to improve your sex life.

Kegel exercises were originally created in the 1940's by a gynecologist, Dr. Arnold Kegel, who wanted to give women a way to increase the muscle tone of their PC muscles (pubococcygeal muscles), and thereby cure their urinary incontinence. This was especially important for women after childbirth and after menopause - the two main causes of weakening of these muscles. So while women were squeezing away, they found that not only could they control their urine better when they coughed or laughed really hard - they also found they were having stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Of course when something improves your sex life, people take notice! The most interesting recent finding is that Kegel exercises have been found to be helpful for both men and women.

Kegel exercises involve the PC muscles, which is a network of muscles that extend from the pubic bone (found under your pubic hair below the level of your bladder) down and around between the legs, around the anus and to the coccyx (tailbone). These muscles contract to help stop urine flow and squeeze the anal sphincter closed, but also are the muscles that rhythmically contract when someone has an orgasm. By strengthening these muscles, women have better control of holding their urine, and also have stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Men who do Kegels also have better control of their urine and experience stronger and more pleasurable orgasms, but also can have better control of the timing of their ejaculations and even better quality of their erections.

So who's up for a little Kegelcising? Here's how it's done, and it's basically the same for both men and women. First, locate your PC muscles. This can be done by trying to stop your urine stream while you are urinating. The muscle that you squeeze to get that done is your PC muscle. Another good way to locate the PC muscle is to squeeze your anal sphincter tight and then extend this squeeze all the way forward. You should locate these muscles and learn to isolate them from other muscle groups in the area. So make sure that your legs, buttocks, and abs are relaxed and are not moving while you're squeezing your PC muscles. Once you locate them, don't use them to stop your urine any more. Now you will just do the Kegel exercises by themselves.

As I mentioned before, Kegel exercises can be done anytime, anywhere. When you perform them, no one can tell that you're doing it - so you can squeeze on the way to work, during a business meeting, while you're waiting in line, while you're at the movies - you get the picture. Start off slow as you would any new exercise, doing 3 sets of 10 repetitions. Squeeze and hold for 5 seconds, then release and repeat again. Try to do the Kegels at least once a day, but shoot for three times a day if you can. Don't be dismayed if you get tired or feel the muscle losing the squeeze. As you get stronger, you will have more and more control of that squeeze.

Once you have been doing sets of 5-second squeezes faithfully for about 3-4 weeks and you can keep the squeeze consistently for the whole 5 seconds, you can try to extend the squeeze time to 8-10 seconds. You just squeeze, hold it for 10 seconds, and release. Then repeat this for 3 sets of 10 repetitions one to three times a day. The next level after this would be to practice the squeeze while you are masturbating or during penetration with your partner. It takes about 1-2 months of Kegels to really have solid results, but it's worth it.

Just remember, the body operates on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' As we age, keeping the PC muscles toned and strong gives us increased urinary and ejaculatory control, as well as maximizes the intensity of our orgasms and our sexual pleasure. It's a little exercise that goes a long way.

Sex is a many splendored thing.

Sex is for reproduction. There is no denying this. It's the stuff of sex ed: sperm meets egg, implantation, development, etc. It is the most traditional and natural purpose for the activity. It is why we're made male and female and why part of our physical attraction to the other sex is rooted in our perception of that potential mate's ability to produce healthy children.

Sex is for entertainment. Sex is fun. It feels good. Orgasms can be all-encompasing and, for the moment, everything else fades away. If you need any evidence that sex is for entertainment, you need look no further than a woman's clitoris. It serves no reproductive purpose, it's far enough away from the vaginal opening that most women can't come with vaginal penetration alone, and it has the most concentration of nerve endings per surface area of any other spot on the human body. So if not for entertainment, why would it be there? And because our minds have the ability to travel anywhere, sex can be anything we want it to be - anything we let it be. The combination of our pleasurable physical sensations and the power of our creative mind giving us erotic fantasies, make sex the ultimate trip.

Sex is for bonding. In the act of sex, we have the opportunity to reveal ourselves to our partner. Each time we do this and we have a positive experience, this brings us closer to them and allows our trust in them to grow. Also, having orgasms with our partners helps us feel closer to them, especially if we take advantage of the post-orgasm oxytocin release and lay in each others arms, lay on top of each other, cuddle, or fall asleep touching each other. So we see that sex is a mechanism which can increase emotional ties.

Sex is for winning. The act of sex is concerned with conquest and domination. That feeling of power can be a huge rush and part of the excitement of sex. And where there is conquest and domination, there is also surrender and submission. Through the act of sex, we also see how the submissive really has the power, and experience the pleasure that accompanies that position.

Sex is for compromise. In the process of coming together for sex, we realize that we are two different people with different wants, desires, fantasies, energy levels, and agendas. There are many times that sex requires a compromise on our part in order to please our partner, and vice versa. Hopefully, we learn how to negotiate our relationship so that both partners can have enjoyment and rapture in sex. When we learn to get excited by watching our partner get off, we accept compromise more easily and see that it is normal in our sex life to have a variety of activity, sometimes just for your partner, and sometimes just for you.

Sex is for personal growth. One of the amazing things about sex is that it gives us the opportunity to look into the core of who we are emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Sometimes we scare ourselves. But whatever we find, we experience an opportunity for growth and personal acceptance. If you realize that deep down we all have desires that have elements of aggression, or selfishness, or dependency, or adoration - and learn to accept that this is natural - we can learn to let go of unnecessary anxiety or guilt that may be interfering with our happiness and success.

Sex is for health. Our bodies work well when we have a regular pattern of sex. Sex helps us handle stress better and helps us feel less physical pain. Men who orgasm at least once per week were found to have better prostate health. And women who orgasm at least once per week have stronger PC muscles and decrease their chance for urinary incontinence later in life. Regular sexual activity keeps our blood flowing to our gentinals and a healthy balance of neurotransmitters flowing in our brains.

These things are neither good nor bad, they just are. And when we have a balance of all of these, we experience more happiness, more success, more peace, and more health both in our sex lives and our lives in general. Enjoy.

Give Yourself a Hand

"Masturbate? Who me?" "No, I don't do that anymore." "I don't need to do that now." Or better yet: "I never did that!"

I am here to say that it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, masturbation is not only pleasurable, but it's healthy and it's part of a balanced sex life. First of all, your sexuality belongs to you. So even if you have a partner, you should never give up control of your sexuality. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own happiness. The sooner you know that, the sooner you can share that happiness with somebody else. When you have a partner, you won't always be on the same page as them, or won't always be in the same mood as them, or you won't always have the same energy as them. But if you are in charge of your own sexuality, masturbation can help bridge those gaps. And masturbation doesn't have to be something you do by yourself. Maybe your partner can watch? Maybe they'll get so turned on watching you, they'll want to join in? Or maybe they can just get pleasure from knowing that you're getting off without any pressure on them. All of you who have been in long term relationships know that it is impossible to always be in sync with our partners all the time.

If you have never spoken to your partner about masturbation, that's the first step. Once you have open communication about different ways to have pleasure, you can bring up the topic of masturbation. Remember, doing it on your own is ok too. The main word here is balance. If it is not used to avoid your partner, or done compulsively, it is a natural part of your sex life that can actually enhance your sex life.

For those individuals without a partner, masturbation might make up the entirety of your sex life. Don't rationalize to yourself that you don't need it or that you don't want it. Both our body and our brain run on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' Masturbation not only gives us pleasure, but it also makes us feel alive. Orgasms release chemicals in our brain that help us feel more relaxed, happier, and more secure. Besides that, masturbation increases blood flow to our genitals which is important in maintaining sexual functioning over time. And every time you have an orgasm, it helps maintain tone in your PC muscles that help women keep continent after menopause or childbirth, and help men have stronger erections and ejaculation. So don't forget to give yourself a hand now and then!

If you keep touching it, it's going to fall off!

I do the work that I do because I believe that people have too much fear and anxiety that prevents them from having more happiness and success in their lives. I specifically chose the area of sex and sexuality after finding that many of my colleagues were uncomfortable talking with their patients about sex or sexual issues. This made little sense to me since, as psychiatrists, we help patients explore the deepest issues of the unconscious mind, and one's sexuality should be no exception.

My goal for patients, and society in general, is that we will be able to talk to each other about sex and sexuality without anxiety and fear. Because it not only affects us in our sex life, but this anxiety and fear is also passed down to our children in how they learn about sex and their own sexuality.

Such was the case with someone who was telling me that he and his wife were not really sure what to do about their 2 year old son. It seems that he was masturbating himself often, many times in public when out with his mom. This gentleman then told me (with a laugh) that they starting telling their son that if he kept touching it, it was going to fall off. It was clear that the reason why they chose to tell this to their son was because they themselves were quite anxious about talking to him regarding anything sexual, which came from their own anxiety with sex. I mentioned carefully that this was not a very healthy way to speak to his son about his behavior and could cause difficulties later with anxiety and shame related to sex. First of all, he is at that age where he still believes that everything his parents tell him is true. Now he has to worry that if he gives himself a little pleasure, he is going to unwillingly mutilate himself. Instead, the suggestion was made that his son be told that it is perfectly normal, but reminded that his behavior should be limited to those times when he is in private in his room, and that it is not appropriate when he is around other people, including Mommy and Daddy.

The real problem here is with the parents' anxiety related to sex and sexual issues. When we are anxious or uncomfortable thinking and talking about sex, we unintentionally communicate this to our children. This is the reason why I encourage couples to start having more open communication with each other about sex - in order to increase their comfort level and decrease their anxiety. That should be a goal for all couples in general, but certainly before starting to have children. Because children (even infants and toddlers) can sense what we are feeling, even when we try to hide it from them. And they can sense when we are anxious about something. They learn to feel this way too, which could translate into them thinking that they are "bad" or "dirty" or should feel shame. None of these things are healthy when it comes to talking to them about their bodies or their age-appropriate sexual behavior. What they do need is some truthful, calm limit setting and answers (appropriate to their age) to any questions they may have.

One lengthy, but very informative post on this topic can be found at: http://randombabble.com/2009/09/02/talking-to-kids-about-sex/ . It speaks to the importance of giving clear and truthful information to your children (at any age) which is best achieved when we are comfortable with our own sexuality and the topic of sex in general. Decreasing our anxiety and fear will allow us to increase our knowledge, our comfort level, and eventually our happiness and satisfaction based on the decisions we will make.

Do you have 2 minutes for sex?

One of my students in her 20's recently told me that she couldn't touch her toes. So I asked her what kind of sex life did she expect to have if she couldn't get her legs over her head, or at least over her partner's shoulders?

Seriously though, my point to her was that the importance of flexibility should not be overlooked for our general health, but more specifically, for the health of our sex life. Feeling limber translates into feeling more comfortable with movement - changing positions, trying new positions, and better enjoyment of our favorite positions. So I would like to give you a very simple stretch that can have a big impact on your flexibility and your sex life. It's easy to do and takes very little time.

It's called a Rag Doll Stretch and in it, you stretch by allowing yourself to just hang loose. First you stand up and make sure have a little bit of room around you. When you first start to do this stretch, it's a good idea to have something to hold onto if you need it, like a table or the arm of the couch. Next, you are going to bend forward and let your arms and head just hang down in front of you. Don't worry if you can't stretch very far. Over time you will see the difference! The beauty of this stretch is that you are going to let gravity do all the work for you. You don't need to push or bounce - just hang. And pay attention to the position of your head. Since your head weighs as much as a bowling ball, if you are holding it up at all, you are tensing your muscles. Instead, you should let it hang loose so that you can relieve the tension in your shoulders and neck and take pressure off of the bones of the neck. If you are looking at the front of your legs or thighs, then you know your head is in the right position.

Now, just breathe normally and take notice of any areas where you have tension. Each time you exhale, imagine any tense areas of muscle becoming relaxed and stretching long and easy. For any stretch to be effective, you have to hold it for at least 30 seconds. If you give it a full 60 seconds, you will allow a good stretch of the muscle fibers and start to feel results. And you can see how it targets a lot of muscles at once - from the back of your heels, up your legs and your entire back, back of the neck, and up to the base of your skull.

So practice this stretch for 1 minute at the beginning of your day and 1 minute at the end of your day and you'll make a big difference in your flexibility. That's less time than it takes for a commercial break! So even though our flexibility decreases over time, we can do something very simple to improve it which can translate into a better sex life. It loosens up the back for better thrusting, lets you move your legs up onto your partner's shoulders for a different positioning of your hips, and helps relieve tension in the neck for all you wonderfully-indulgent givers of oral sex!

Blogging is to Sex as . . .

I've often been accused of interpreting everything in a sexual way. So I was tickled when I was reflecting on the starting of this blog, the blogging process itself and one's relationship with blogging - and immediately drew parallels to a sexual relationship. I thought I would share these thoughts with you as they are often topics of discussion with couples that come in with questions about what is normal or to be expected of one's sex life over time.

In the beginning, the idea of starting a blog is exciting and promising. It's a time for high energy, high expectations and a flood of ideas. Anything could happen! The same is true for starting off a new sexual relationship. I think this needs no explanation. Then little things happen that are irritating and threaten your idealistic view of the whole thing: no one can find it to read it, and the search function doesn't seem to work. But those are minor things, it feels good, and you believe that you can commit to it.

And each time you post, it's like having sex. Sometimes the feeling just hits you and you just want to write - no matter what you're doing. And sometimes, you can think of 24 different things you want to do and wish you could blog 3-4x a day, but of course, you can't do everything at once. And sometimes, what you thought would be a great idea turns out to be just ok, while something that you weren't really excited about in the beginning turns out to be much more than you expected. You will get the most pleasure out of it and the least amount of frustration if you just go with it.

Then there are periods when time just passes by and you really don't feel like doing anything at all. Nothing coming comes to your mind, or you're just too busy with other things. Life happens and you're too busy living it. But it's normal to have periods of more activity and periods of less activity. It's not always that we have the energy to keep up the same pace or intensity in anything. And it's important that we don't beat ourselves up about it or become insecure about the relationship just because we may not be not be at the same intensity as other times. We should establish our own comfort level with our partner and not try to compare ourselves to other stories we've heard about this one or that one.

Of course, depending how much of yourself you really put into it - how much you open up to it, will determine how much it is a reflection of your true self. Your essence comes through in the way you express yourself, your allowing intimacy in the process. This invites you to grow as a person and become a better blogger (lover). And finally, in order to keep things interesting, you have to have some variation as well as something that you know the other person will get excited about. Changing it up and trying something new to keep you and the other person smiling.