How to Give a Woman Oral Sex

Oral sex is often a topic of much interest because so many women enjoy it greatly, and so many men are curious as to how to use oral sex to please their female partner. Although there is quite a bit of variation from woman to woman as to what they like and what their preferences are, there are some guidelines that a person can follow to maximize the oral sex experience for their partner.

The best approach to learning how to give a woman oral sex is to ask her "Teach me . . ." Women often have a sense of how they like to be touched, where, with how much pressure and speed. Remember that when you are asking a woman to teach you, it's about finding out what she likes. This does not necessarily translate to another woman, so even if you have had a previous partner that likes oral sex a certain way, it is worthwhile to find out what your current partner likes.

Next, when performing oral sex, you should try your best to be relaxed. Any hesitation or anxiety may be interpreted negatively by your partner and can be a source of distraction or turn off. If a woman thinks that you are not into it, she is not going to be into it. The best is when you can let yourself go and really eat her out. Attitude and enthusiasm are important.

Remember that women's sexual arousal builds up gradually, and it can progress more slowly than a man's arousal. For that reason, it is always best to start giving a woman oral sex slowly and softly. She may be very sensitive, especially at the start, and going too hard or too fast can be overwhelming. Some women cannot tolerate direct contact with their clitoris and need to have the area pretty wet for it to be comfortable. Others will prefer that you always lick across the clitoris over the skin that covers it so that you don't have direct contact with it. Some will prefer that you incorporate licking over the U-Spot as well. By going slow you have a chance to explore the area and find out just what she likes and where. A good example to follow is thinking about how you would lick an ice-cream cone. You can start off with a wide, soft tongue and take it from there. This is also less tiring, so you can go on for a longer period of time. If she wants you lick harder or have a pointier tongue, she will let you know.

Men, do not underestimate the amount of razor stubble on your face and how this feels. If a man has not had a shave in over 8 hours, his razor stubble could approximate the grain of 120 grit sandpaper, which is pretty abrasive. Sometimes a little pressure from the chin or upper lip can feel nice, but not if you're exfoliating the top layer of musocal tissue. If you think back to the ice-cream example, it may help you remember: while eating an ice-cream cone, you wouldn't stick your chin in it. So if you have razor stubble, make sure it's only lips and tongue are contacting the area.

Once you have found the right spot, women need repeated stimulation in the same area in order to reach orgasm. Remember that orgasm alone should not be the only focus of oral sex. Heightened arousal, lubrication, and pleasurable sensations are all important whether or not she reaches orgasm. Because good oral sex means spending a little time downstairs, make sure to find yourself a comfortable position that you can maintain for at least ten minutes. Don't just lick for one minute then move on. If the position she prefers is too hard on your neck, try lifting her hips up by placing a pillow underneath them, or by having her on her side and resting your head on the inside of her thigh. Also, you do not have to tolerate being suffocated or having your head squeezed by her legs, so use your hands on the inside of her thighs to remind her if needed.

Every woman is different, so let her be your guide and don't hesitate to communicate with her for a mutually pleasurable experience. May you eat heartily and regularly!

The U-Spot

It seems that it's in our nature as humans to want to put labels on everything because it helps us feel like we have control or power over things. So I was amused when someone today brought up the "U-Spot" after reading about it in Esquire Magazine. The U-Spot is not new, and it's certainly familiar to a multitude of women whose partners like to explore the area during oral sex. But for those who have not heard about the U-Spot, I thought it would be helpful to talk about what it is and why it gets the buzz that it does.

The U-Spot is the common term given to the area that surrounds the opening of the urethra in women. This area can be particularly sensitive because the female urethra is surrounded by spongy erectile tissue that fills with blood upon sexual arousal. This spongy tissue extends from the anterior vaginal wall, around the urethra, all the way to the pubic bone. Anatomists have called this spongy tissue the Skene's glands, or the periurethral glands. Some even call it the female prostate and believe this is where female ejaculate may come from. The skin that is directly over this spongy tissue, then, is known as the U-Spot. It's already very sensitive on it's own, but becomes even more sensitive once a woman gets sexually aroused.

So what am I supposed to do with this U-Spot, you ask? First let me say that if you are approaching this with a an attitude of "I've got to find this" then take a step back. So many people develop this performance-based attitude that feeds your ego, but takes away from your enjoyment and the fun of exploration. Plus, women like to feel that you are interested in her body, not in checking off a list of things to do. The sexiest attitude to take is a playful, exploratory experience and then see what feels good to her. Now that that's out of my system.....

The U-Spot feels the best when it is wet and touched gently. You do not need to put a lot of pressure on it, and many women have discovered this spot just from their partner rubbing the head of their penis up and down their labia. This is a motion that can be incorporated with stimulation of the clitoris and can be a way to reach orgasm all on its own for some women. The U-Spot can also be stimulated with fingers, but remember - gentle stroking across it is usually more pleasurable than pushing on it (it's a spot, not a button). Once again, incorporating this stroking with stroking of the clitoris above it may also be a pathway to orgasm for some women. And as with all things having to do with sexuality and anatomy, some women have very sensitive U-Spots, while some do not. When using fingers, you may find she likes to have some wet stroking all the way from the clitoris, over the U-Spot and then just into the opening of the vagina.

But most people would agree that oral sex is one of the best ways to stimulate the U-Spot. This is because it already makes the area wet and has less friction than the skin of the fingers. The easiest way to find it is to find the opening of the vagina with your tongue, then softly and slowly lick upwards towards the clitoris, as if you are licking an ice-cream cone. This way, you can see which area she is most sensitive in, and you won't overwhelm her with too much pressure or speed. Once you find the spot she likes, you can experiment with putting different amounts of pressure with your tongue, or going faster or slower.

So there's the skinny on the U-Spot, which you may already know, even if the name is not familiar. So for those women who have been deriving pleasure from this already, continue to enjoy and don't worry about the name.

Safe Oral Sex

Some people happen to be more microbial-conscious than others. I tend to be very microbial-conscious as a function of my very dramatic microbiology teacher in medical school. That being the case, I often ask people about what they do for safe sex. The knee-jerk response is always "condoms," but I'm concerned with the amount of people who don't consider the necessity to have safe oral sex. Not only is this important for new partners or anyone you are not "sure" of, but also for people with known conditions such as herpes. There are safe ways to have hot sex!

For safe oral sex, the off-label use of dental dams was the gold standard for a long time. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of thin latex that dentists use during dental procedures to have their work nice and neat. It prevents bacteria or viruses from the patient infecting the dentist, as well as prevents debris from falling back into the patient's mouth, and it creates a barrier that is easily folded up after the procedure is complete. This has been very cleverly translated into use for oral sex by providing a barrier that prevents passage of bacteria or viruses, but is thin and flexible enough to allow for a good amount of stimulation.

Since this was so brilliant, the sex dam was created. This is also a rectangular piece of latex, but is especially thin and usually transparent or translucent. Both of these qualities enhance the experience for both the giver and the receiver, which is the whole point, isn't it? Sex dams are also a little longer than dental dams, so they can cover more area - such as the entire vulva and anus - at the same time.

To use either one, you simply unfold it completely and place it over the area you wish to devour. You will find that if you use some water-based lubricant on the receiving side, the feeling is more realistic and intense for them. Although some people recommend lube on both sides, I always felt that saliva in my mouth was more appealing than lube, but the choice is yours. It is important to keep the dental dam from sliding around too much, and this can be done by using your hands to hold each side of the dam against the tops of the thighs or the buttocks. This allows you to explore the area completely with your tongue and lips, but not having actual contact with bodily fluids or tissues that could carry the risk of infection. Remember that since the dental dams are made of latex, you should only use water-based lubricants since any others would cause a breakdown of the latex, similar to condoms.

Speaking of condoms, what to do if you don't have a dental dam? Another popular trick is to use a latex condom and just cut it to size. In order to do this, you first completely unroll the condom. Next, you cut off the rounded tip. Lastly, you cut it lengthwise down the shaft and you are left with a latex rectangle. It is a little smaller size than a dental dam, but it does the trick. It works best if you use plain condoms that do not already have lube or spermicide on them so as not to gunk up your scissors. You can always add your water-based lube after you're done cutting. If you're really in a jam, you can also use a latex glove by cutting straight across just below the fingers (except the thumb), then open it by cutting straight up on the opposite side to the thumb. Some find this variation useful in that they can stick their tongue in the thumb opening for greater range of motion. You can also use the left-over fingers for anal play.

There is also the happy-housewife substitute for the dental dam - plastic wrap. Yes that familiar transparent wrap that your are tempted to dress yourself in and surprise your partner with when they come home. But if you want to use plastic wrap, you do have to be a little cautious. You need to ensure that you have the NON-Microwavable type because this type is non-porous. The microwavable type is too porous and lets in bacteria and viruses, therefore defeating the purpose of using it in the first place.

Most condom shops and sites sell sex dams and dental dams. You can also buy dental dams from dental supply stores or sites. Dental dams come in different thicknesses, from thin (0.125mm) to extra heavy (0.5mm). They even come flavored too, if you like. For those people with latex allergies, there are dental dams available that are made of silicone as well. There are lots to choose from, so no excuses. Be prepared, and enjoy safe oral sex.

Sex is a many splendored thing.

Sex is for reproduction. There is no denying this. It's the stuff of sex ed: sperm meets egg, implantation, development, etc. It is the most traditional and natural purpose for the activity. It is why we're made male and female and why part of our physical attraction to the other sex is rooted in our perception of that potential mate's ability to produce healthy children.

Sex is for entertainment. Sex is fun. It feels good. Orgasms can be all-encompasing and, for the moment, everything else fades away. If you need any evidence that sex is for entertainment, you need look no further than a woman's clitoris. It serves no reproductive purpose, it's far enough away from the vaginal opening that most women can't come with vaginal penetration alone, and it has the most concentration of nerve endings per surface area of any other spot on the human body. So if not for entertainment, why would it be there? And because our minds have the ability to travel anywhere, sex can be anything we want it to be - anything we let it be. The combination of our pleasurable physical sensations and the power of our creative mind giving us erotic fantasies, make sex the ultimate trip.

Sex is for bonding. In the act of sex, we have the opportunity to reveal ourselves to our partner. Each time we do this and we have a positive experience, this brings us closer to them and allows our trust in them to grow. Also, having orgasms with our partners helps us feel closer to them, especially if we take advantage of the post-orgasm oxytocin release and lay in each others arms, lay on top of each other, cuddle, or fall asleep touching each other. So we see that sex is a mechanism which can increase emotional ties.

Sex is for winning. The act of sex is concerned with conquest and domination. That feeling of power can be a huge rush and part of the excitement of sex. And where there is conquest and domination, there is also surrender and submission. Through the act of sex, we also see how the submissive really has the power, and experience the pleasure that accompanies that position.

Sex is for compromise. In the process of coming together for sex, we realize that we are two different people with different wants, desires, fantasies, energy levels, and agendas. There are many times that sex requires a compromise on our part in order to please our partner, and vice versa. Hopefully, we learn how to negotiate our relationship so that both partners can have enjoyment and rapture in sex. When we learn to get excited by watching our partner get off, we accept compromise more easily and see that it is normal in our sex life to have a variety of activity, sometimes just for your partner, and sometimes just for you.

Sex is for personal growth. One of the amazing things about sex is that it gives us the opportunity to look into the core of who we are emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Sometimes we scare ourselves. But whatever we find, we experience an opportunity for growth and personal acceptance. If you realize that deep down we all have desires that have elements of aggression, or selfishness, or dependency, or adoration - and learn to accept that this is natural - we can learn to let go of unnecessary anxiety or guilt that may be interfering with our happiness and success.

Sex is for health. Our bodies work well when we have a regular pattern of sex. Sex helps us handle stress better and helps us feel less physical pain. Men who orgasm at least once per week were found to have better prostate health. And women who orgasm at least once per week have stronger PC muscles and decrease their chance for urinary incontinence later in life. Regular sexual activity keeps our blood flowing to our gentinals and a healthy balance of neurotransmitters flowing in our brains.

These things are neither good nor bad, they just are. And when we have a balance of all of these, we experience more happiness, more success, more peace, and more health both in our sex lives and our lives in general. Enjoy.

What can porn teach you about giving a woman oral sex?

There seems to be an attitude pushed by the media that all aspects of sex should just come natural to us and that we should already instinctually know how to have good sex. And with pressure from peers and society comes anxiety about whether or not we know what we're doing, or whether we are doing it well, etc. This anxiety causes many people to feel embarrased to ask questions for fear that they will be seen as inexperienced and so they may turn to porn as a guide. It's not surprising then, to find that a large percentage of people, both men and women, say that they use porn to guide them as to how they should perform oral sex.

Now I'm not talking about soft-porn here, where you don't really "see" the details of having sex. I'm talking about hardcore porn which shows actual penetration and actual mouth-genital contact/oral sex. If you are using this kind of porn to guide you about oral sex, you should know what it can and cannot teach you.

The trouble with using porn as your guide for oral sex is that what makes for good porn cinematography doesn't always make for good oral sex. A good camera shot in porn is considered one in which the viewer can see details about what's going on. That means that a man's face (for example) has to have some distance from a woman's pussy so that you can see his tongue on her lips and clitoris. In order to get that shot, a tongue has to be stretched far outside his mouth. This may look great onscreen, but doesn't necessarily create the best experience for the giver or the receiver.

First of all, the further your tongue is outside your mouth, the more quickly it's going to get tired. Most women need continuous stimulation on a certain spot in order to reach orgasm, so you want to increase your ability to keep going. Also, it only allows for a small area of contact between his tongue and her lips/clitoris. One of the pleasures of oral sex is the feeling of pressure and warmth and wetness that comes from having a softer, flatter tongue and includes lips too. So instead of having this distance, you should get close and use your whole mouth - lips and tongue.

Also, the clitoris is a very sensitive area. Many times, porn shots start right off with very intense and quick stimulation with a tongue or fingers over the clitoris. Unless a woman has already been excited for a period of time, she probably needs to be able to build up to this level of stimulation. Most women find it more comfortable to start off slower and softer, and build up as her level of excitement increases. Some don't need to change from the slower pace at all - they just need the constant motion.

So if you were to take your direction from porn, you might think that every woman wants to have her pussy slapped, or their clitoris sucked hard, or a pointy tongue frantically rubbing on their clit from the word "go." You are better off asking your woman what she likes and what she wants, because every woman is different. Start off slow and try different things. Instead of just zeroing in on her clit, explore the area with your lips and tongue. Some women actually prefer to have their clitoris stimulated indirectly from the side, or having their lips licked from the vaginal opening up towards the clitoris. There is some very sensitive spongy tissue in that area that can produce intense excitement. Some like a combination of tongue with fingers helping out either inside or outside. Some like to have fingers roam down and around their anus. You have to see what it is that your woman likes, not just make assumptions from what you saw in a porn flick.

Now, I do think that there is something that porn can teach us about good oral sex - and that is enthusiasm. Just like all other aspects of sex, if a woman thinks that her partner is not into it, or is not enjoying it, this will take away from her ability to enjoy herself and get excited from it. If, however, you tell your woman what you like about eating her out and it's clear that you enjoy the process, she can get lost in the moment and let it take her to orgasm. Bon appetit!

Do you have 2 minutes for sex?

One of my students in her 20's recently told me that she couldn't touch her toes. So I asked her what kind of sex life did she expect to have if she couldn't get her legs over her head, or at least over her partner's shoulders?

Seriously though, my point to her was that the importance of flexibility should not be overlooked for our general health, but more specifically, for the health of our sex life. Feeling limber translates into feeling more comfortable with movement - changing positions, trying new positions, and better enjoyment of our favorite positions. So I would like to give you a very simple stretch that can have a big impact on your flexibility and your sex life. It's easy to do and takes very little time.

It's called a Rag Doll Stretch and in it, you stretch by allowing yourself to just hang loose. First you stand up and make sure have a little bit of room around you. When you first start to do this stretch, it's a good idea to have something to hold onto if you need it, like a table or the arm of the couch. Next, you are going to bend forward and let your arms and head just hang down in front of you. Don't worry if you can't stretch very far. Over time you will see the difference! The beauty of this stretch is that you are going to let gravity do all the work for you. You don't need to push or bounce - just hang. And pay attention to the position of your head. Since your head weighs as much as a bowling ball, if you are holding it up at all, you are tensing your muscles. Instead, you should let it hang loose so that you can relieve the tension in your shoulders and neck and take pressure off of the bones of the neck. If you are looking at the front of your legs or thighs, then you know your head is in the right position.

Now, just breathe normally and take notice of any areas where you have tension. Each time you exhale, imagine any tense areas of muscle becoming relaxed and stretching long and easy. For any stretch to be effective, you have to hold it for at least 30 seconds. If you give it a full 60 seconds, you will allow a good stretch of the muscle fibers and start to feel results. And you can see how it targets a lot of muscles at once - from the back of your heels, up your legs and your entire back, back of the neck, and up to the base of your skull.

So practice this stretch for 1 minute at the beginning of your day and 1 minute at the end of your day and you'll make a big difference in your flexibility. That's less time than it takes for a commercial break! So even though our flexibility decreases over time, we can do something very simple to improve it which can translate into a better sex life. It loosens up the back for better thrusting, lets you move your legs up onto your partner's shoulders for a different positioning of your hips, and helps relieve tension in the neck for all you wonderfully-indulgent givers of oral sex!

What is sex anyway?

I like to say that we are living in The Golden Age of Rationalization. It seems that there isn't anything that we can't deny or fool ourselves about. And sex is no exception. After all former President Bill Clinton did it on national television! "I did not have sex with that woman."

Let's get something straight here. You don't want to think that you're 'not really having sex', or you want to pretend to yourself that you haven't 'really' cheated on your partner, but the truth is - there is a lot more to sex that just a penis in a vagina. (Just ask anyone having homosexual sex!) Sex starts with fantasies and desire. As soon as you start to share those fantasies and desires with another person, you are inviting them to engage in sex. Sex involves a multitude of activities that jump-starts a person's desire and arousal. And there are so many ways to reach orgasm - oral sex, masturbation, stimulation of the breasts, telephone conversations to name a few. You can even come in your sleep!

I consider that all sexual activity falls under the category of sex because I think that it's part of the erotic and intimate relationship that one shares with their partner. To have a long, healthy sex life that is satisfying through the years, a person needs to have some variation to keep it interesting and fresh, as well as some flexibility to allow for adjustment to life changes. If our sexual repertoire is very limited, it increases the chance that we will become bored or frustrated. Psychologically, the more activities we consider to fall under the realm of sex, the more we can happily share with our partners in a sexual way to enhance that sexual relationship. After a woman gives birth for example, it may be several weeks before she may be ready to have any penetration. But she can receive enjoyment from giving her husband oral sex or a hand job, or she can get stimulated on other areas of her body. Similarly, if a man has prostate surgery, he may have transient or permanent erectile difficulties, but can still find ways of giving his partner sexual satisfaction with manual or oral stimulation, or even in combination with sex toys such as a dildo or a vibrator.

But if we have a very rigid idea about what sex is, we limit ourselves and create for ourselves dissatisfaction and frustration. We would then create the reality that we could not be happy unless we had penile-vaginal intercourse just so. For your health and happiness, leave that definition to the religious texts and reproductive biologists. Instead, consider that you can have happiness and sexual pleasure with a multitude of variations of activities. Just remember, if the world ran out of pumpkins, we could still have pecan pie on Thanksgiving. (I just love nuts!)