How Do You Initiate Sex With Your Partner?

How do you communicate to your partner that you want to have sex or are open to having sex? This may seem like an obvious question to some, but really think about it for a moment. How does your partner know when you are ready to have sex? Many times couples find that they are not sure what their partner is thinking, what they are in the mood for, and they don't really know how to ask.

This often becomes an issue after a couple has been together for awhile and their relationship is strong and healthy. As your partner becomes more and more important to you, and as you depend more on their happiness for your own, you may find yourself taking a back seat to their needs. This is to be expected, especially in situations in which you do not want to add to their stress or demands. The result for many may be that they take a "wait and see" approach to initiating sex. This means that they try to take their cues from their partners before making their desire known. But what if your partner is doing the same thing? You may never ask each other for sex, and the tension of how to communicate this grows heavier.

One exercise that a couple can do is to ask each other, "How can I tell if you are in the mood? How will you let me know?" This opens the door of communication so that you are not attempting to guess what your partner is trying to tell you. It also puts each person at ease to more freely communicate when they are thinking about or desiring sex.

Another wonderful exercise that couples can do is to ask each other "Under what circumstances do you let yourself get turned on?" At first, this may seem like an odd question because most people think that getting turned on depends on someone else doing something to you. But the reality is that our mind controls our level of sexual arousal by either being open to what's happening around us and our own erotic thoughts, or by keeping us shut off from potentially exciting events, thoughts, or stimulation.

One complaint that I have heard often is that people's expectation is that sex should happen spontaneously - the feeling just comes over you, and magically it works out, like in a romantic movie. But such expectations are unrealistic and do not take into account the reality of busy schedules and stressful lives. A good sex life takes work, planning, and a little risk taking. So if you find yourself in that uncomfortable position of playing Chip and Dale (the Disney version! - "What do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do?") try having a few conversations about sex. The results might surprise you!

Your Sexuality During Pregnancy

If there is ever a time that your body is going to experience a great deal of changes in a short period of time, pregnancy is it. Not only does a woman have significant physical changes in shape, size, weight, and energy level - but she undergoes a considerable fluctuation in hormone levels. This affects everything from mood, to physical well-being, to those huge nap attacks that come daily. So what happens with a woman's sexuality during her pregnancy? What should a couple expect or be concerned about during pregnancy?

There are three basic factors that determine how much sexual activity a woman can have during her pregnancy: what her doctor recommends, any incidence of blood or spotting, and most importantly, how she feels. In certain situations, a doctor may recommend bed rest or just to hold off from having sexual activity/orgasms. It is important that a couple follow their doctor's recommendations to prevent any difficulties with the pregnancy. Similarly, if there is any blood or spotting, they should also wait on having sex until she is able to get examined by her doctor.

How a woman feels is probably the biggest determining factor in a couple's sexual activity. Nausea in the first trimester makes it very difficult to feel sexy and aroused, although this varies from woman to woman. Some women are very uncomfortable and experience some vomiting, while other women never experience this and don't even know that they are pregnant until they are almost into their second trimester. Energy level also impacts a women significantly during pregnancy, especially in the third trimester when naps are almost obligatory. Her body begs her for sleep in order to conserve calories and encourage growth hormone needed by the fetus to grow.

Although it can vary considerably from woman to woman, pregnancy can be a time of heightened physical sensitivity. Not only do woman's breasts and genitals increase in size, but they become much more responsive to touch. Because of this, a couple should proceed slowly when engaging in sexual activity in order to determine the woman's comfort level and optimal amount of physical stimulation for sexual arousal. Keep in mind that some women may find direct touching of their clitoris overwhelming because of the increased sensitivity. If this is the case, spend a little time exploring the area close to, but not directly on the clitoris to see how she responds. Keep in mind how this will translate into what sexual positions you engage in and how these create contact or friction over her vulva. Other women may find that the increased sensitivity allows her to have orgasms more easily. This includes having orgasms from stimulation over other parts of her body as well, such as her breasts, back of her scalp, back of knees, inside of thighs, etc.

There is a great deal of variation from woman to woman (and even from pregnancy to pregnancy) in how a woman responds, how she feels, and what she desires. Keeping an open mind and allowing yourself to be flexible and adjust to the many changes usually brings the most happiness and makes it easier to deal with stress. You can find ways to take advantage of the heightened sensitivity during pregnancy to continue your lifelong exploration of your sexuality.

How to Give a Woman Oral Sex

Oral sex is often a topic of much interest because so many women enjoy it greatly, and so many men are curious as to how to use oral sex to please their female partner. Although there is quite a bit of variation from woman to woman as to what they like and what their preferences are, there are some guidelines that a person can follow to maximize the oral sex experience for their partner.

The best approach to learning how to give a woman oral sex is to ask her "Teach me . . ." Women often have a sense of how they like to be touched, where, with how much pressure and speed. Remember that when you are asking a woman to teach you, it's about finding out what she likes. This does not necessarily translate to another woman, so even if you have had a previous partner that likes oral sex a certain way, it is worthwhile to find out what your current partner likes.

Next, when performing oral sex, you should try your best to be relaxed. Any hesitation or anxiety may be interpreted negatively by your partner and can be a source of distraction or turn off. If a woman thinks that you are not into it, she is not going to be into it. The best is when you can let yourself go and really eat her out. Attitude and enthusiasm are important.

Remember that women's sexual arousal builds up gradually, and it can progress more slowly than a man's arousal. For that reason, it is always best to start giving a woman oral sex slowly and softly. She may be very sensitive, especially at the start, and going too hard or too fast can be overwhelming. Some women cannot tolerate direct contact with their clitoris and need to have the area pretty wet for it to be comfortable. Others will prefer that you always lick across the clitoris over the skin that covers it so that you don't have direct contact with it. Some will prefer that you incorporate licking over the U-Spot as well. By going slow you have a chance to explore the area and find out just what she likes and where. A good example to follow is thinking about how you would lick an ice-cream cone. You can start off with a wide, soft tongue and take it from there. This is also less tiring, so you can go on for a longer period of time. If she wants you lick harder or have a pointier tongue, she will let you know.

Men, do not underestimate the amount of razor stubble on your face and how this feels. If a man has not had a shave in over 8 hours, his razor stubble could approximate the grain of 120 grit sandpaper, which is pretty abrasive. Sometimes a little pressure from the chin or upper lip can feel nice, but not if you're exfoliating the top layer of musocal tissue. If you think back to the ice-cream example, it may help you remember: while eating an ice-cream cone, you wouldn't stick your chin in it. So if you have razor stubble, make sure it's only lips and tongue are contacting the area.

Once you have found the right spot, women need repeated stimulation in the same area in order to reach orgasm. Remember that orgasm alone should not be the only focus of oral sex. Heightened arousal, lubrication, and pleasurable sensations are all important whether or not she reaches orgasm. Because good oral sex means spending a little time downstairs, make sure to find yourself a comfortable position that you can maintain for at least ten minutes. Don't just lick for one minute then move on. If the position she prefers is too hard on your neck, try lifting her hips up by placing a pillow underneath them, or by having her on her side and resting your head on the inside of her thigh. Also, you do not have to tolerate being suffocated or having your head squeezed by her legs, so use your hands on the inside of her thighs to remind her if needed.

Every woman is different, so let her be your guide and don't hesitate to communicate with her for a mutually pleasurable experience. May you eat heartily and regularly!

Improving Your Erection

There are multiple factors that affect your erection including physical, neurochemical, hormonal, psychological, and emotional. Because of this, a man needs to maximize all of these to ensure the best erection he can have. Oftentimes a man will seek help for his erections only after he has had difficulties for some time. But the best medicine is preventive medicine. This includes lifestyle choices and measures that you can adopt for overall health, and specifically for continued optimal erections.

So here are a few factors to consider when wanting to preserve or improve your erection:

1. Watch what you put into your body. Everything you eat, drink, or otherwise expose your body to, will affect your overall physical health and therefore, your erection. Diets that are high in fat, sugar, and artificial ingredients cause an increase in your body's inflammation response. Over time, this is damaging to blood vessels, especially those of your heart and your penis. Other culprits are nicotine (whether in cigarettes or in nicotine patches/gum) and excess in alcohol. Keep in mind that alcohol use of more than 1/2 - 1 drink per day has been shown to increase your triglycerides and LDL (bad) cholesterol which eventually contributes to arterial plaques and hardening of the arteries, resulting in decreased blood flow.

2. Get moving. Our bodies are designed to be active and in motion. By keeping active and engaging in regular aerobic exercise, you increase the blood flow to your muscles, and your penis along the way. One of the most interesting things about increasing your blood flow is that it becomes a signal to your blood vessels to grow and get wider. It benefits your brain, your heart, and your erection. The principle of "use it or lose it" is the best advise one can follow. In fact, if you don't engage in sexual activity at least once or twice a week, it would be beneficial to masturbate. This not only helps with prostate health, but encourages the blood vessels that contribute to your erection to maintain their patency and flow.

3. Don't be so uptight. When you have anxiety or stress, it creates a state in your body that directly opposes sexual arousal. This can interfere with getting or keeping an erection (or even reaching orgasm for some). Sometimes men are not aware of anxiety that they create for themselves, which may come in the form of doubts or negative thoughts. If you are having difficulties with your erection and have no physical cause for it, then it would be important to explore in what ways anxiety is affecting you. I believe that you owe this to yourself and the future of your sexual functioning.

4. Supplement your diet. Besides keeping a diet that works to create better health for you and your penis, there are certain vitamins and supplements that can improve your sexual performance and your erection. These days, our diets do not usually provide sufficient B vitamins and most people should be taking a B-100 Complex daily. In addition to this, Coenzyme Q10 100mg a day works as an antioxidant, may protect against high blood pressure, and may also be cardioprotective. But one of the most interesting supplements available is Epimedium (a.k.a. Horny Goat Weed). The active ingredient in this supplement works the same way as that of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis - inhibiting PDE-5, thereby increasing the availability of NO. This directly causes dilation of arteries of the penis (and other locations) which causes erections. Look for preparations made from trusted sources that provide at least 400-500mg per dose and take twice daily. This works not just for those men who have started having difficulty with getting and keeping their erections, but also for men as they age to maintain the best blood flow they can.

Be aware that difficulties with an erection can be a signal to other existing medical problems such as heart or vascular disease, thyroid problems, diabetes, or other end-organ damage due to metabolic syndrome or drugs/alcohol. Please don't delay in seeking medical attention for any problems with your erection, paying attention to what may be contributing to it. But again, the best course of action is the preventative one.

Conceptualizing the G-Spot

What is a spot? The dictionary says that a spot is a small area different from the main area of which it is a part. Not a big deal really. But leave it to us humans to make things complicated. Whenever we are told that there is something bigger and better, we must have it, do it, own it. The G-Spot is no exception. Once we learn that there may be a G-Spot, we go hunting for it, trying to push on it, stroke it, finger it, rearrange our positions so we can hit it. We want to get enough credits to win the G-Spot Merit Badge. At least this is the way that I see a lot of people approaching sexuality. To all of you who may fall into this category, I say "Would you cut it out? It's very annoying and it takes the sensuality out of sex, and instead makes it a treasure hunt or a competition." So let's see how we can break out of this idea of the G-Spot as a discrete structure and see the G-Spot as part of a much larger picture.

Whenever I talk to patients about the G-Spot, I invite them to think of it conceptually instead of a discrete anatomical structure. I would like to describe to you how I understand it so that you can getter a better understanding as well. This requires that we think about the anatomy of the area in a 3-D way. If you would like to see a straight-forward, 2-D, cross-section diagram of the female anatomy, you can find one here (very high school biology). Let me describe how I conceptualize the G-Spot.

First to consider is that the female urethra has spongy erectile tissue surrounding it which has been known by different names from Skene's glands, to paraurethral glands, and even called the female prostate. You can get a 3-D image of this by imagining that you are holding a cup in front of you with both hands. The cup represents the urethra going from the bladder above and opening below between the labia minora. Your hands represent the erectile tissue (obviously not the exact shape or thickness), and the space between your arms represents the vagina. Imagine that the area of your thumbs is down towards the opening of the vagina. In our makeshift model, if something were to reach up between your arms and push on the area of your thumbs, it would be pressing onto the erectile tissue from inside the vagina. The erectile tissue actually fills the space between the wall of the vagina and the urethra, so although the erectile tissue is not in the vagina, you can stimulate it by pressure from inside the vagina.

Interestingly, scientists have found that this area of the vagina next to the erectile tissue has the greatest number of nerve endings of the entire vagina. There is a mix of different nerve endings, but a very large percentage of them are from the Pudendal nerve that also gets sensation from the labia, the PC muscle, the anus, and the clitoris. So when this area is stimulated, it adds to any other stimulation a woman may be receiving at the same time in any of those other areas. It is this area precisely that is also known as the G-Spot.

When a women begins to get sexually aroused, there is increased blood flow to the area which can fill up the erectile tissue. This expands the erectile tissue and can push the area of the G-Spot further into the vagina. Women have reported that when they have been aroused for awhile, this area of the G-Spot becomes more noticeable in the vagina and feels good with stimulation. If a woman is not yet aroused, the erectile tissue is not filled with blood and pressure on the area of the G-Spot can be uncomfortable, give a sensation of having to pee, or can even be painful for other women. This explains why the G-Spot tends to feels better after some time of sexual stimulation and excitation, but not necessarily before.

So I do believe the G-Spot does exist. If we can conceptualize this 3-D view of the G-Spot, it helps us understand where it is located, and also helps us better understand how it functions and responds to sexual arousal and stimulation. It is not to be seen as an independent structure by itself, but instead an area of anatomical opportunity for pleasure.