tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12416434530636896942024-03-05T06:59:47.000-05:00Reclaim Your SexualityBalance and Health in SexualityDr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-52942720071060855632010-07-08T18:31:00.005-04:002010-07-09T07:51:15.732-04:00We've Moved to ReclaimYourSexuality.com<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 142px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCC1gHmgluNpDRoKtpo-503Gii49sLJbBdKWwBA-xlK8dYGwgoPUfvqWf9ci_tw8awvxWpzyp_WMAG_yEAxjuliy9kZlxwWQUDUNWObV9HvYx5ePJ6rprP6Rp0-TjEod1sA6D7b1NPrgw/s200/MADELEINE-CASTELLANOS_1700B+cropped.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5491871572060671650" border="0" /><br />I am pleased to announce that this blog has been redesigned and expanded. Please see the new and improved version <a href="http://reclaimyoursexuality.com/"><u>here</u></a>. Also, don't forget to update your bookmarks, feeds, readers, and little scraps of paper sitting next to your computers. See you there, and have a sexy day!Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-50709882564265103252010-07-04T22:20:00.012-04:002010-07-06T21:50:46.988-04:00Want to Change Your Partner? - Change yourself.<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 140px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtHCHEXqnIY5DQouVP684GbvOVAo8DKHJMutVcPFQ_OknZFMNqnrq3U7n2MhOP1-Z7sD0MR1rouTEEmA3KNc8I9UO6sjR2fQIgvhJB_wkjHRMZs9XKI_0glI_w8ywzQcXF2F0RElmWp5A/s200/chameleon+cropped.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5490975288154054802" border="0" />How many times have I seen it day in and day out - a couple is not happy about the way things are progressing (or not progressing) in their relationship. They have theories, a list of faults the other partner has committed, a wish-list of things that partner doesn't do that would easily (ideally) solve their problems. Already before coming to see me, they are pointing their finger at their partner's shortcomings with dissatisfaction. Problem is, you cannot change anyone. Period. People that try to force their partners to change often find that it only increases anger, insecurity, and resentment.<br /><br />But that doesn't mean that our partners can't change, or won't change. Everyone has the option to change something about their behavior, their thoughts, their life. The trick is they will only change if they want to, or if it suits them to do so. The secret to change in your partner, however, is less about focusing on them, and more about focusing on yourself.<br /><br />When we are in a relationship, we tend to create patterns of behaviors that define how we interact with each other. Our relationship has its own equilibrium that is made up of how we each behave and how we respond to our partner's behavior. The longer the relationship goes on, the more entrenched these patterns become. But the patterns can always change - and that change depends on us. Here's why:<br /><br />Einstein said that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. Such is the case with the way we interact with our partners. By focusing on our own thoughts, actions, and words, we can change the equilibrium of our relationship, even if only just a little. If we act differently, then our partner will have to respond to this change. So by creating a different set of variables in yourself, you set the stage for a different response in your partner.<br /><br />For example, if your partner is watching television instead of following you into the bedroom, you might try starting to pleasure yourself without them ("I'm just going to go touch myself a little.") and see if they don't say "Hey wait for me." Or if you wish that your partner would initiate sex more often, instead of waiting around for it, start talking to them about your latest fantasy.<br /><br />Now, this does not guarantee that your partner will change the way you would like them to, or even change at all. How you respond, however, is up to you. Some people keep trying different things, some people give up trying. Some even decide to end their relationship, depending on the nature of the issue in question. Change involves risk, and that means that the change may not always be in the direction you were hoping for. It is this risk of the unknown that keeps so many people from trying something new. But regardless of your partner, you always have control of yourself. Some of you may ask "Why should <span style="font-style: italic;">I</span> have to change?" and my answer is, it's not about should or shouldn't. And you don't have to change. But then don't expect anything else to change either.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-12394143411270228902010-06-26T11:12:00.005-04:002010-06-26T11:28:33.464-04:00The Skinny on Condoms<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzqEWFeRf-aVwyXqHf3vGgpDiAZSQJfcv71wR9R9uopr7VpzkHznq676AtfiDRm9gVj5OOpmb7WNIdKTh6QK8GZEg3icCeUy_OyjT4yG2-5hpdhgqTaxGHkcNrBw25Zx5Vtv1D-FavLHo/s1600/colored+condoms.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzqEWFeRf-aVwyXqHf3vGgpDiAZSQJfcv71wR9R9uopr7VpzkHznq676AtfiDRm9gVj5OOpmb7WNIdKTh6QK8GZEg3icCeUy_OyjT4yG2-5hpdhgqTaxGHkcNrBw25Zx5Vtv1D-FavLHo/s200/colored+condoms.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5487104537388745922" border="0" /></a>Safe sex is synonymous with using condoms. Whether you choose to use a traditional condom (for men) or the larger female condoms, a barrier method is the only way to currently protect against bacterial or viral infections being passed from one partner to another. Remember that sexual contact even one time with a partner can result in a sexually transmitted infection, and you can't always tell who has an infection or who doesn't. Sometimes a person may not even know if they themselves have an infection (such as HPV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, trichomonas, or HIV) when they meet a new partner, so you should be responsible to protect yourself.<br /><br />Although condoms are the gold standard for STI prevention, there are several things that cause people to shy away from using condoms. Some of these complaints are decreased sensitivity, difficulty in keeping an erection while using a condom, discomfort in wearing a condom, and irritation during or after using a condom. It may take a little trial and error, but most of these issues can be overcome with some practical information and practice.<br /><br />Firstly, in order to put on a condom, a man should already have an erection that is satisfactory. If you attempt to put on a condom before a man has a complete erection, the pressure from the condom could actually prevent having sufficient blood filling the penis for a good erection. Once a man has an erection, however, this pressure does not effect the hardness of the erection. Some men, however, find that they start to lose their erection when they put on a condom. This is usually related to their thoughts about condoms which can cause anxiety or negative ideas, or is a combination of those psychological factors combined with physical factors.<br /><br />If a condom does not fit well, it can result in decreased sensitivity, discomfort, or even pain. For most men, finding a condom that has the proper width (yes they vary in how wide they are as well as how long) makes all the difference. If a condom ring is too tight around the shaft of the penis, it may be too uncomfortable to get lost in the moment and really enjoy sex. If the width seems to be ok, but there is still a considerable decrease in sensitivity, try using condoms that have a wider area around the tip, so that there is movement around the most sensitive part of the penis during penetration, which feels more natural. Regardless of what style of male condom you choose, you should leave some extra space at the tip of the condom to give room for the semen to collect after ejaculation. If your erection is a little shorter than the condom, it is better to leave more extra space at the top, since you should be able to unroll the condom completely for comfort and effective use. With practice, you will know just how much to leave for yourself.<br /><br />If you are finding that male-style condoms are too constricting for comfortable sex, then you may benefit from trying female condoms. They are condoms designed to be inserted into the vagina and stay put with a ring that holds onto the cervix. They are inserted all the way into the vagina with the outer ring covering part of the labia first, then pushing the rest of it up as far as it will go and having the inner ring surround the cervix. The outer ring always stays on the outside and actually provides more coverage of the labia, which can decrease those sexually transmitted infections that are passed on with skin to skin contact (like genital warts and Herpes). Since the female condom is much wider, it doesn't cause the squeezing that is uncomfortable for men who are very wide. The female condom does take some practice to use effectively, and you must ensure that the outer ring doesn't slip into the vagina during penetration (sometimes you may need to adjust it).<br /><br />One of the great drawbacks of using condoms is that people may experience more irritation during or after sex. It is important to use lubrication on the outside of the condom and should be reapplied regularly during sex. Keeping the lube within arm's reach during sex helps keep the action moving right along. Since condoms are destroyed by oils, choose only water-based lubricants. Also, keep in mind that many people find glycerin to be be irritating to their mucosal tissues, so finding a glycerin-free lube is always best. Never use lotions, creams, or any other type of lube not specifically designed for sex since they may contain oils in them and can be very irritating inside. Stay away from condoms that contain nonoxynol-9 spermicide, since this is particularly irritating.<br /><br />If you find that latex condoms are the cause of your irritation (or you just don't care for the taste, smell, or feel), find yourself condoms made of polyurethane or polyisoprene. Both of these are thinner than latex, so provide a more natural feel. Polyurethane is much less stretchy than polyisoprene (which is a great plus for some people), but transfers body heat pretty well. These are all options to consider when finding the condom that you like the best. By finding the condom that works best with your anatomy and preferences, many of the complaints often heard with condom use can be eliminated for a safe, pleasurable sexual experience. And don't forget your "Kiss of Mint" for safe sex while giving a blowjob!Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-7324683310767978022010-06-21T14:20:00.001-04:002010-06-21T14:21:37.010-04:00Too Tired for Sex?<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 134px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1Kw2V6ht7ulSnckfrHFI0JVr457n7tDLnfcu1vEdX_egiXe7uNQArw7-RZw1hCqnlmVtSOfu7EK6hKdQpihL7TMqN9lvMkor4jYtTTbMpiZs7EYrPxMz-2sS7qcf0QKhj0Q4mFszQKeo/s200/tired+girl.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485215147940188034" border="0" />In our busy schedules, it is easy to have our sex life take a back seat to our other responsibilities. But your mindset about sex can dramatically change your desire and your energy level for sex. If you think about sex as an obligation or a chore, you will be hesitant, avoid your partner, and feel drained of motivation. If, however, you see it as a way to be pampered and given pleasure, many often conjure up the energy to be frisky even in the face of a long day. On other occasions I have spoken about the importance of regular aerobic exercise for maintaining your energy and health, getting proper sleep, learning to reduce stress, as well as the importance of communication to avoid having relationship conflicts from creating anger or resentment. Here are some other practical things to consider if you find that you are often too tired for sex.<br /><br />The first thing to consider is what you are putting into your body. Diet and water intake directly affect your energy level, and too often they are areas that people ignore. Being dehydrated automatically makes you feel fatigued even if you have a good diet. Remember to drink water throughout the day and to replenish after any caffeinated drinks like soda, coffee, or tea. If you feel thirsty, you are already low on water. The next thing that many people skimp on because of their busy schedules is their diet. Oftentimes, people will skip a meal or two, then have one large meal, or they may eat snacks of easily accessible junk food instead of more nutritious choices. Not only does this leave you without the necessary ingredients to continue with your day, but with that pattern of eating, your body will eat away at your muscle tissue and take up all the energy stored up, but keep your body fat up. This results in low energy reserves and fatigue. Three regular meals of moderate portions is the best way to regulate your body's energy stores. Since caffeine causes your body to release the energy stored in your muscles, limiting your caffeine intake to one drink (coffee or tea) per day helps your body keep these intact.<br /><br />Because our diets are usually not sufficient for our stressful lives, most people would benefit from taking vitamins. A multivitamin usually does not provide enough B vitamins for optimal energy, therefore most people would benefit from taking a B-100 Complex, which has 100mg of each of a combination of B vitamins. Our modern diet and environmental factors (such as medications) can leave us with low levels of B vitamins. These are important because they help with metabolism and help normalize energy levels. <br /><br />One sex tip you can use to combat fatigue is to initiate sex in a place other than your bed. Since your brain already connects being in bed with sleeping, this becomes much more difficult to resist once you are already tired from the day. Once you slide into the covers and you get horizontal, the desire for sleep overshadows any desire there may be for sex. But starting off on the couch or another area of the house may keep those zzzz's from taking over. You may try talking to your partner about this and start your foreplay or flirtation before you get to the bedroom. Related to that is the time of the night that you or your partner tries to initiate sex. I would recommend that you not wait until bedtime to start communicating to your partner that you want to have sex. This may require some creative planning with your family's schedule, but can certainly pay off. Instead of staying up watching tv until your lids are heavy, start kissing and caressing early, and maybe forego that tv show for some real live action!<br /><br />Keep in mind that many women require some physical stimulation before they actually are aware of any sexual desire. If they are feeling too tired, they may not even be able to focus on what the pleasure of sex could feel like at that moment. A tip for these women is to give yourself permission to explore some gentle stimulation, either by your partner or by yourself, before you make up your mind about having sex. This may help awaken a stronger desire for sex, even if it was previously masked by feeling tired. So much of a woman's desire has to do with what she is focused on, and some actual physical contact and stimulation helps shift that focus.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-60495036420425467792010-06-16T16:16:00.000-04:002010-06-16T22:38:29.831-04:00Sexual Fantasies<img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 124px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglU6WrOdxs4RHAgzaR-HmuJQSrytU4gh1AUvnbsbo-WFbMhQHFpUZ-QjSegTvc5566Uk1hknCokJTRP0TmzmxmVOsaNBZbW9oZaiex1d-7U3qce3Jv426IpgN_XLJbDrSuUX0KXv384UY/s200/couch+floor+cropped.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5483407189196907650" />One element of our sex life that adds to our arousal and sexual pleasure is sexual fantasy. These can be images, scenes, or stories that can range from very simple, to very complex and involved. They are shaped by several different factors including early experiences, ideas about ourselves, and how we interpret the sexual meaning of certain acts or images. How our sexual fantasies develop is also influenced by what we are taught by our families or society about what is appropriate or not appropriate. Regardless, sexual fantasies are a natural part of the way our thinking mind works to give meaning to our actions and heighten our arousal.<br /><br />Since sexual fantasies can include all different kinds of images, they are often misunderstood, or become a source of anxiety. Oftentimes, a person will be sufficiently uncomfortable with their sexual fantasies that they block them out or distract themselves with other thoughts in order to keep from thinking about them. If this happens repeatedly, you may teach yourself to ignore sexual fantasies altogether, or at least those fantasies that contribute the most to your arousal. This can result in difficulty becoming aroused, excited, or reaching orgasm.<br /><br />Learning a little about sexual fantasies may help you feel more comfortable with your own fantasies. Many times, fantasies can be symbolic or their meaning may not be obvious at first. This can cause some people to become upset with their fantasies and try to block them out. For example, a fairly common fantasy for some women is that might be ravished or raped. For many women, this fantasy represents the desire to be so attractive and desirable that their partner (or others in the fantasy) would not be able to resist them. It does not automatically mean that a woman wants to be raped or would enjoy being raped. So you see how this type of fantasy could be confusing and upsetting for both men and women alike.<br /><br />Sexual fantasies are what give our sex lives their gusto. If you do not allow yourself to get lost in your fantasies and explore your own sexual nature, you are short-changing yourself out of pleasure and a better understanding of who you are as an individual. There are many things that people fantasize about that they would not look to carry out in real life. But that does not mean that you cannot use those fantasies to heighten your experience for yourself or with your partner. Fantasy is just that - fantasy, not reality. It is a creative space in your mind that you can use to pretend and create exciting stories, and have fun.<br /><br />(This article refers to fantasies that do not involve harm towards yourself or another person, or fantasies that involve inappropriate partners - such as children or animals. If you are having such fantasies, they should be discussed with a therapist to prevent any dangerous or harmful behavior or any anxiety or depression that result from them.)Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-12320822133541924832010-06-08T20:24:00.017-04:002010-06-08T22:39:51.249-04:00Meds Affecting Your Erection - Blood Pressure Medications<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfC8kJTwkkEVohwhzWpy8Tnn3ee6wQ7XLKgNqL6ARqOhYk0MueKw5W3Gjm7FM-V_f5nEQ19NUwPZdtHMFA96nLDGZh-GW-OTIqgb8RgCNANkzv4rCrdWo5QjlY7ioTUM19N4zi0uQ6YKg/s200/white+pills+with+bottle.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480597894297554690" border="0" />There are literally hundreds of different prescription medications that can interfere with your sex life. In this post, I am going to focus on medications prescribed to control blood pressure and how some of these may be having undesired effects in the area of erectile functioning. Please be advised that high blood pressure is a serious medical condition that requires proper treatment. Because of this, you should never stop taking your medication without consulting your doctor for advice or adjustments to your prescription. Information here is not tailored to any specific case and cannot be taken as individual medical advice.<br /><br />Sexual arousal depends on a series of different mechanisms working in conjunction with each other in response to physical and/or psychological stimulation. Successful sexual arousal and performance relies on the participation of your brain, your nerves, your hormones, and your blood vessels. Since medications that are used to control high blood pressure have their effect primarily on blood vessels, they can easily cause sexual side effects. Here are some of the more common anti-hypertensive medications broken down by type:<br /><br />1. <span style="font-style: italic;"><u>Diuretics</u></span> - These medications work to lower your blood pressure by causing the body to eliminate excess fluid. By doing so, the actual volume of blood is decreased, which leads to a decrease in your blood pressure. Studies suggest that there is a high prevalence of erectile dysfunction (ED) in men taking diuretics for blood pressure, especially in the first few years of treatment. What is interesting is that after several years, the amount of men reporting ED who weren't taking diuretics almost matched those men who were taking diuretics. This suggests that the diuretic itself is not directly causing the ED, but the lowered blood volume is uncovering another existing problem with the blood vessels needed for an erection. These medications also lower zinc levels, which leads to a decrease in testosterone production and negatively affects sexual desire and performance. An example of diuretics are the <span style="font-weight: bold;">thiazides</span>.<br /><br />2. <span style="font-style: italic;"><u>Beta Blockers</u></span> - In order for an erection to occur, there has to be activation of beta-receptors in the tissues of the penis and arteries of the penis. Some beta blockers bind to many different type of beta-receptors and can often block those receptors(beta-2). That does not allow the blood vessels to relax enough to allow the penis fill up with blood for a proper erection. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Propanolol</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">timolol</span>, and <span style="font-weight: bold;">nadolol</span> are non-selective beta blockers and have the most potential for interfering with an erection. Beta blockers that are called 'cardio-selective' are those that only block the beta-1 receptors and do not tend to cause ED. Examples of cardio-selective beta blockers are <span style="font-weight: bold;">metoprolol</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">acebutalol</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">esmolol</span>, and <span style="font-weight: bold;">atenolol</span>. Some beta blockers also block certain alpha receptors as well, which can cause ED. Examples of these are <span style="font-weight: bold;">carvedilol</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">labetalol</span>. But there are some beta blockers that can actually help erectile function by increasing nitric oxide (NO) levels with their alpha-blocking properties, such as <span style="font-weight: bold;">nebivolol</span>. Interestingly, studies have shown that just having anxiety about having side effects is enough to produce the side effect. Studies also have demonstrated a placebo (sugar pill) worked just as well as Viagra to get rid of the ED associated with beta blockers.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-style: italic;"><u>ACE Inhibitors</u></span> - These blood pressure medications do not tend to cause ED, and in some instances, can even improve erectile functioning. Examples of these medications include <span style="font-weight: bold;">losartan</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">candesartan</span>, and <span style="font-weight: bold;">valsartan</span>.<br /><br />4. <span style="font-style: italic;"><u>Calcium Channel Blockers</u></span> - These medications do not seem to adversely affect erectile functioning. Men taking this type of anti-hypertensive medication had the same rate of ED as those men of similar age not taking them. Examples of calcium-channel blockers are <span style="font-weight: bold;">amlodipine</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">nifedipine</span>, <span style="font-weight: bold;">diltiazem</span>, and <span style="font-weight: bold;">verapamil</span>. Some people have reported a decreased libido on these medications, however.<br /><br />As always, prevention is always preferred over treatment of a condition. Maintaining an appropriate weight, getting good sleep, learning how to respond rather than react to stress, practicing aerobic exercise at least 3-4 x/week, and lowering your salt and fatty food intake are all lifestyle choices that keep your body's functioning more in balance. If you can put these into practice early in life, you decrease your chances of having ED from any vascular disease, as well as decrease your chances of having to be on blood pressure medications later in life.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-16732027720818013542010-06-02T16:01:00.007-04:002010-06-02T18:11:39.527-04:00Create Your Own Porn<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 190px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijGj-ZHoZ276_T-Y9VSw0lOUX75lqucetdx3MExJ3USoCZ_yuBTDUB1UL5Uat_Hip0Acx1RKUT0z8CGkT7n5aua0gKDyeh0ngY-1yK2f-o5HvymJG5YyvGwVYNqi5RyBkIEnwEKnOA7gY/s200/couple+watching+porn+cropped.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5478299455988605938" border="0" />Pornography is misused, misappropriated, and misunderstood. With the advent of the internet, YouTube, and other forms of streaming media readily available, there has been an exponential growth in the viewing and downloading of porn over the last 20 years. Consequently, there has also been a backlash to this increased use with fixation on labels such as "sexual addiction" used by some to accuse and others to rationalize. But despite the paranoia surrounding it, pornography can be a very useful tool for increasing sexual arousal, as well as exploring your own sexuality.<br /><br />Pornography is defined simply as anything that is created with the intention of arousing sexual desire - artwork, writing, pictures, etc. We can see that pornography in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. But as with most things in life, it can get out of control or be unhealthy for us if we do not use it in a way that is balanced. Pornography can be very useful for individuals or couples to increase their sexual arousal and excitement. But it does take discipline. It is easily misused to get continuous sexual stimulation, but eventually can lead to boredom and the search for higher and higher levels of stimulation.<br /><br />The way our minds work, we need some variety to keep us interested. This is true for sex as it is for most areas in life. Couples that have been together for some time may become discouraged if they do not have the same level of excitement with each other, unless they realize that need to work at creating that excitement through variety. Pornography can be very helpful in providing erotic material to spice things up. But just as with a favorite movie or book, if we continuously see it over and over again, we can get bored with it as well. This is why taking a step back and creating our own porn can make all the difference in the world.<br /><br />Creating your own porn consists of taking images that you might have seen in a porn movie or magazine, or read about in an erotic story, and then practicing having variations on that theme in your own mind. Instead of going back and watching a movie again, for example, you may whisper to your partner what was particularly exciting for you. Or you can keep it to yourself and replay a particularly exciting idea or scenario. You can practice making up different scenes or images related to it. In this way, you work with your own brain's creativity to increase your capacity for sexual fantasy, and you have less opportunity to become desensitized, or bored, with that particular theme.<br /><br />Remember that fantasies are a natural way that our mind works to create exciting thoughts for us and get us aroused. Fantasies can consist of almost anything, but are usually images related to the time of our sexual awakening and (believe it or not) our anxieties. Sometime people are embarrassed or feel guilty about having certain fantasies, but it is important to remember that it is very common to fantasize about something that we don't necessarily want to do in real life. When we create our own porn, we also give ourselves artistic license to explore what images and themes are particularly exciting to us. And because our sexuality is constantly evolving throughout our life, you may find that your images and themes may morph, or shift, or go in cycles. It's all fair game.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-40253932100613335212010-05-26T20:57:00.005-04:002010-06-02T18:01:07.932-04:00How Do You Initiate Sex With Your Partner?<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 165px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIdegZbTjayJsZ9gGuj1-fkkYiy_IITUMDMZZ3OyGc0rb3OebcCmy5rPOOMBizpGtEMq9R4q5NkAFJJtPzLID7cWOcDJasMm2XoPxiMv8E8T-NTHLVPSwFz55RwefcdVmu_JCOt31Z6JU/s200/couple+talking+cropped.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5475749813515418194" border="0" />How do you communicate to your partner that you want to have sex or are open to having sex? This may seem like an obvious question to some, but really think about it for a moment. How does your partner know when you are ready to have sex? Many times couples find that they are not sure what their partner is thinking, what they are in the mood for, and they don't really know how to ask.<br /><br />This often becomes an issue after a couple has been together for awhile and their relationship is strong and healthy. As your partner becomes more and more important to you, and as you depend more on their happiness for your own, you may find yourself taking a back seat to their needs. This is to be expected, especially in situations in which you do not want to add to their stress or demands. The result for many may be that they take a "wait and see" approach to initiating sex. This means that they try to take their cues from their partners before making their desire known. But what if your partner is doing the same thing? You may never ask each other for sex, and the tension of how to communicate this grows heavier.<br /><br />One exercise that a couple can do is to ask each other, "How can I tell if you are in the mood? How will you let me know?" This opens the door of communication so that you are not attempting to guess what your partner is trying to tell you. It also puts each person at ease to more freely communicate when they are thinking about or desiring sex.<br /><br />Another wonderful exercise that couples can do is to ask each other "Under what circumstances do you let yourself get turned on?" At first, this may seem like an odd question because most people think that getting turned on depends on someone else doing something to you. But the reality is that our mind controls our level of sexual arousal by either being open to what's happening around us and our own erotic thoughts, or by keeping us shut off from potentially exciting events, thoughts, or stimulation.<br /><br />One complaint that I have heard often is that people's expectation is that sex should happen spontaneously - the feeling just comes over you, and magically it works out, like in a romantic movie. But such expectations are unrealistic and do not take into account the reality of busy schedules and stressful lives. A good sex life takes work, planning, and a little risk taking. So if you find yourself in that uncomfortable position of playing Chip and Dale (the Disney version! - "What do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do?") try having a few conversations about sex. The results might surprise you!Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-27250650643889810912010-05-20T13:26:00.013-04:002010-05-20T14:43:05.157-04:00Your Sexuality During Pregnancy<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEqRiBCXKDUwzPaUx5nuFOpRY4MQXwgCScRMuGWoLjI3GONSAcfngEZnrSzXv2Q_ZKyKv2wUIs9zXXDAunRTriL23QsQe5qqzJy6et79jS1WWoRyuqflcpr9n5RcnXr35OaFHe-JYYQIk/s200/pregnant+from+above.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5473418744232164146" border="0" />If there is ever a time that your body is going to experience a great deal of changes in a short period of time, pregnancy is it. Not only does a woman have significant physical changes in shape, size, weight, and energy level - but she undergoes a considerable fluctuation in hormone levels. This affects everything from mood, to physical well-being, to those huge nap attacks that come daily. So what happens with a woman's sexuality during her pregnancy? What should a couple expect or be concerned about during pregnancy?<br /><br />There are three basic factors that determine how much sexual activity a woman can have during her pregnancy: what her doctor recommends, any incidence of blood or spotting, and most importantly, how she feels. In certain situations, a doctor may recommend bed rest or just to hold off from having sexual activity/orgasms. It is important that a couple follow their doctor's recommendations to prevent any difficulties with the pregnancy. Similarly, if there is any blood or spotting, they should also wait on having sex until she is able to get examined by her doctor.<br /><br />How a woman feels is probably the biggest determining factor in a couple's sexual activity. Nausea in the first trimester makes it very difficult to feel sexy and aroused, although this varies from woman to woman. Some women are very uncomfortable and experience some vomiting, while other women never experience this and don't even know that they are pregnant until they are almost into their second trimester. Energy level also impacts a women significantly during pregnancy, especially in the third trimester when naps are almost obligatory. Her body begs her for sleep in order to conserve calories and encourage growth hormone needed by the fetus to grow.<br /><br />Although it can vary considerably from woman to woman, pregnancy can be a time of heightened physical sensitivity. Not only do woman's breasts and genitals increase in size, but they become much more responsive to touch. Because of this, a couple should proceed slowly when engaging in sexual activity in order to determine the woman's comfort level and optimal amount of physical stimulation for sexual arousal. Keep in mind that some women may find direct touching of their clitoris overwhelming because of the increased sensitivity. If this is the case, spend a little time exploring the area close to, but not directly on the clitoris to see how she responds. Keep in mind how this will translate into what sexual positions you engage in and how these create contact or friction over her vulva. Other women may find that the increased sensitivity allows her to have orgasms more easily. This includes having orgasms from stimulation over other parts of her body as well, such as her breasts, back of her scalp, back of knees, inside of thighs, etc.<br /><br />There is a great deal of variation from woman to woman (and even from pregnancy to pregnancy) in how a woman responds, how she feels, and what she desires. Keeping an open mind and allowing yourself to be flexible and adjust to the many changes usually brings the most happiness and makes it easier to deal with stress. You can find ways to take advantage of the heightened sensitivity during pregnancy to continue your lifelong exploration of your sexuality.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-32144284811750124812010-05-16T21:48:00.013-04:002010-05-17T15:19:52.445-04:00How to Give a Woman Oral Sex<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 163px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqrFs6ndB0T66ol2fIE_M9N7hI4lUBn0DHni-QiPPHBHhWCGru7SZI62BOlKO-w-NtdCDbA5dGNajDD5OtBlDdi7jjpQ6X39A2pTNX5ipEBrlYOIzO1xGNeBAALrjzeYefwe_dVWlsNHU/s200/man+lick+lips+cropped.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5472048905650799234" border="0" />Oral sex is often a topic of much interest because so many women enjoy it greatly, and so many men are curious as to how to use oral sex to please their female partner. Although there is quite a bit of variation from woman to woman as to what they like and what their preferences are, there are some guidelines that a person can follow to maximize the oral sex experience for their partner.<br /><br />The best approach to learning how to give a woman oral sex is to ask her "Teach me . . ." Women often have a sense of how they like to be touched, where, with how much pressure and speed. Remember that when you are asking a woman to teach you, it's about finding out what <span style="font-style: italic;">she</span> likes. This does not necessarily translate to another woman, so even if you have had a previous partner that likes oral sex a certain way, it is worthwhile to find out what your current partner likes. <br /><br />Next, when performing oral sex, you should try your best to be relaxed. Any hesitation or anxiety may be interpreted negatively by your partner and can be a source of distraction or turn off. If a woman thinks that you are not into it, she is not going to be into it. The best is when you can let yourself go and really eat her out. Attitude and enthusiasm are important.<br /><br />Remember that women's sexual arousal builds up gradually, and it can progress more slowly than a man's arousal. For that reason, it is always best to start giving a woman oral sex slowly and softly. She may be very sensitive, especially at the start, and going too hard or too fast can be overwhelming. Some women cannot tolerate direct contact with their clitoris and need to have the area pretty wet for it to be comfortable. Others will prefer that you always lick across the clitoris over the skin that covers it so that you don't have direct contact with it. Some will prefer that you incorporate licking over the U-Spot as well. By going slow you have a chance to explore the area and find out just what she likes and where. A good example to follow is thinking about how you would lick an ice-cream cone. You can start off with a wide, soft tongue and take it from there. This is also less tiring, so you can go on for a longer period of time. If she wants you lick harder or have a pointier tongue, she will let you know.<br /><br />Men, do not underestimate the amount of razor stubble on your face and how this feels. If a man has not had a shave in over 8 hours, his razor stubble could approximate the grain of 120 grit sandpaper, which is pretty abrasive. Sometimes a little pressure from the chin or upper lip can feel nice, but not if you're exfoliating the top layer of musocal tissue. If you think back to the ice-cream example, it may help you remember: while eating an ice-cream cone, you wouldn't stick your chin in it. So if you have razor stubble, make sure it's only lips and tongue are contacting the area.<br /><br />Once you have found the right spot, women need repeated stimulation in the same area in order to reach orgasm. Remember that orgasm alone should not be the only focus of oral sex. Heightened arousal, lubrication, and pleasurable sensations are all important whether or not she reaches orgasm. Because good oral sex means spending a little time downstairs, make sure to find yourself a comfortable position that you can maintain for at least ten minutes. Don't just lick for one minute then move on. If the position she prefers is too hard on your neck, try lifting her hips up by placing a pillow underneath them, or by having her on her side and resting your head on the inside of her thigh. Also, you do not have to tolerate being suffocated or having your head squeezed by her legs, so use your hands on the inside of her thighs to remind her if needed. <br /><br />Every woman is different, so let her be your guide and don't hesitate to communicate with her for a mutually pleasurable experience. May you eat heartily and regularly!Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-59063743818528693932010-05-11T07:59:00.020-04:002010-05-11T20:13:04.184-04:00Improving Your Erection<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 134px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3t2_yjmwuE-JTUImtxxpqyULu9kCRTHurFNVCdfUL9hY981pXOXSYYUlBPdcyBMRybSuYnPTNuRNLhqahhCP20zmzecXQDhBzDAyVcIYgWF4LW73j9a_9hvXtKCkGKSLUukvplSKGCNM/s200/erection.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5469990682474364530" border="0" />There are multiple factors that affect your erection including physical, neurochemical, hormonal, psychological, and emotional. Because of this, a man needs to maximize all of these to ensure the best erection he can have. Oftentimes a man will seek help for his erections only after he has had difficulties for some time. But the best medicine is preventive medicine. This includes lifestyle choices and measures that you can adopt for overall health, and specifically for continued optimal erections.<br /><br />So here are a few factors to consider when wanting to preserve or improve your erection:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">1. Watch what you put into your body</span>. Everything you eat, drink, or otherwise expose your body to, will affect your overall physical health and therefore, your erection. Diets that are high in fat, sugar, and artificial ingredients cause an increase in your body's inflammation response. Over time, this is damaging to blood vessels, especially those of your heart and your penis. Other culprits are nicotine (whether in cigarettes or in nicotine patches/gum) and excess in alcohol. Keep in mind that alcohol use of more than 1/2 - 1 drink per day has been shown to increase your triglycerides and LDL (bad) cholesterol which eventually contributes to arterial plaques and hardening of the arteries, resulting in decreased blood flow.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">2.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> Get moving. </span> Our bodies are designed to be active and in motion. By keeping active and engaging in regular aerobic exercise, you increase the blood flow to your muscles, and your penis along the way. One of the most interesting things about increasing your blood flow is that it becomes a signal to your blood vessels to grow and get wider. It benefits your brain, your heart, and your erection. The principle of "use it or lose it" is the best advise one can follow. In fact, if you don't engage in sexual activity at least once or twice a week, it would be beneficial to masturbate. This not only helps with prostate health, but encourages the blood vessels that contribute to your erection to maintain their patency and flow.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">3. Don't be so uptight. </span> When you have anxiety or stress, it creates a state in your body that directly opposes sexual arousal. This can interfere with getting or keeping an erection (or even reaching orgasm for some). Sometimes men are not aware of anxiety that they create for themselves, which may come in the form of doubts or negative thoughts. If you are having difficulties with your erection and have no physical cause for it, then it would be important to explore in what ways anxiety is affecting you. I believe that you owe this to yourself and the future of your sexual functioning.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">4. Supplement your diet.</span> Besides keeping a diet that works to create better health for you and your penis, there are certain vitamins and supplements that can improve your sexual performance and your erection. These days, our diets do not usually provide sufficient B vitamins and most people should be taking a B-100 Complex daily. In addition to this, Coenzyme Q10 100mg a day works as an antioxidant, may protect against high blood pressure, and may also be cardioprotective. But one of the most interesting supplements available is Epimedium (a.k.a. Horny Goat Weed). The active ingredient in this supplement works the same way as that of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis - inhibiting PDE-5, thereby increasing the availability of NO. This directly causes dilation of arteries of the penis (and other locations) which causes erections. Look for preparations made from trusted sources that provide at least 400-500mg per dose and take twice daily. This works not just for those men who have started having difficulty with getting and keeping their erections, but also for men as they age to maintain the best blood flow they can.<br /><br />Be aware that difficulties with an erection can be a signal to other existing medical problems such as heart or vascular disease, thyroid problems, diabetes, or other end-organ damage due to metabolic syndrome or drugs/alcohol. Please don't delay in seeking medical attention for any problems with your erection, paying attention to what may be contributing to it. But again, the best course of action is the preventative one.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-60157645473632735592010-05-05T15:45:00.002-04:002010-05-25T15:08:26.403-04:00Conceptualizing the G-SpotWhat is a spot? The dictionary says that a spot is a small area different from the main area of which it is a part. Not a big deal really. But leave it to us humans to make things complicated. Whenever we are told that there is something bigger and better, we must have it, do it, own it. The G-Spot is no exception. Once we learn that there may be a G-Spot, we go hunting for it, trying to push on it, stroke it, finger it, rearrange our positions so we can hit it. We want to get enough credits to win the G-Spot Merit Badge. At least this is the way that I see a lot of people approaching sexuality. To all of you who may fall into this category, I say "Would you cut it out? It's very annoying and it takes the sensuality out of sex, and instead makes it a treasure hunt or a competition." So let's see how we can break out of this idea of the G-Spot as a discrete structure and see the G-Spot as part of a much larger picture.<br /><br />Whenever I talk to patients about the G-Spot, I invite them to think of it conceptually instead of a discrete anatomical structure. I would like to describe to you how I understand it so that you can getter a better understanding as well. This requires that we think about the anatomy of the area in a 3-D way. If you would like to see a straight-forward, 2-D, cross-section diagram of the female anatomy, you can find one <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Female_anatomy-en.svg"><u>here</u></a> (very high school biology). Let me describe how I conceptualize the G-Spot.<br /><br />First to consider is that the female urethra has spongy erectile tissue surrounding it which has been known by different names from Skene's glands, to paraurethral glands, and even called the female prostate. You can get a 3-D image of this by imagining that you are holding a cup in front of you with both hands. The cup represents the urethra going from the bladder above and opening below between the labia minora. Your hands represent the erectile tissue (obviously not the exact shape or thickness), and the space between your arms represents the vagina. Imagine that the area of your thumbs is down towards the opening of the vagina. In our makeshift model, if something were to reach up between your arms and push on the area of your thumbs, it would be pressing onto the erectile tissue from inside the vagina. The erectile tissue actually fills the space between the wall of the vagina and the urethra, so although the erectile tissue is not in the vagina, you can stimulate it by pressure from inside the vagina.<br /><br />Interestingly, scientists have found that this area of the vagina next to the erectile tissue has the greatest number of nerve endings of the entire vagina. There is a mix of different nerve endings, but a very large percentage of them are from the Pudendal nerve that also gets sensation from the labia, the PC muscle, the anus, and the clitoris. So when this area is stimulated, it adds to any other stimulation a woman may be receiving at the same time in any of those other areas. It is this area precisely that is also known as the G-Spot.<br /><br />When a women begins to get sexually aroused, there is increased blood flow to the area which can fill up the erectile tissue. This expands the erectile tissue and can push the area of the G-Spot further into the vagina. Women have reported that when they have been aroused for awhile, this area of the G-Spot becomes more noticeable in the vagina and feels good with stimulation. If a woman is not yet aroused, the erectile tissue is not filled with blood and pressure on the area of the G-Spot can be uncomfortable, give a sensation of having to pee, or can even be painful for other women. This explains why the G-Spot tends to feels better after some time of sexual stimulation and excitation, but not necessarily before.<br /><br />So I do believe the G-Spot does exist. If we can conceptualize this 3-D view of the G-Spot, it helps us understand where it is located, and also helps us better understand how it functions and responds to sexual arousal and stimulation. It is not to be seen as an independent structure by itself, but instead an area of anatomical opportunity for pleasure.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-82725503046889466642010-04-28T09:25:00.014-04:002010-04-28T11:17:15.718-04:00Learning to MasturbateThe nature of things is that life isn't fair, and different circumstances of life can either be a benefit or a difficulty for us. When considering masturbation, whether your family is more anxious, or more religious, or whether you have your own room or not, or even being born a girl rather than a boy, contributes to if, when, and how you may learn to masturbate. <br /><br />The reality is that men tend to have nature on their side because they have much more occasion to touch their genitals than girls. When they go to the bathroom, they touch themselves. When they get an erection and have to adjust their clothing, they touch themselves. Even just finding a comfortable position to sit or lay down, they may need to touch themselves. This brings many more opportunities for a boy to discover the pleasurable sensations he can experience from rubbing or stroking himself. Oftentimes, infants or toddlers discover this early on and engage in some form of masturbation without any instruction or direction from the outside world. We know that it is a natural activity and should not be viewed in a negative way. <br /><br />For adolescent boys and men, one of the difficulties related to learning about masturbating is time and location. Many times, a man does not have the privacy that he wishes to explore his fantasies or his physical sensations, and instead rushes himself to finish the job before he is discovered or interrupted. Because of this, sometimes men teach themselves to masturbate in an anxious way that can translate to anxiety around orgasm and ejaculation in later sexual relationships. When masturbating, it is beneficial for a man to have times in which he allows himself the opportunity to explore different sensations, different intensities, different speeds, and also focus on how it feels physically in addition to focusing on his fantasy material. <br /><br />With women, it is a little trickier. Women do not usually touch their genitals throughout the day except when involved in personal hygiene - and that doesn't usually bring any sexy thoughts to mind. Some girls find that certain objects or ways of sitting can produce pleasant sensations, and some even explore with their hands and fingers. Regardless, these are also a natural part of growth and development and are best approached as such. <br /><br />For adolescent girls and women learning to masturbate, patience and curiosity are the keys. Nothing interferes more with sexual arousal and pleasure than performance anxiety. There is so much variation in what can bring a woman pleasure - from different materials, to different positioning of fingers or toys, to different speed and intensity. In some instances, it is a matter of time. When learning how to masturbate, it is not uncommon for a woman to be touching herself for 20 minutes or more before reaching a point where she finds an orgasm. But with women, orgasm does not have to be the goal, and many women enjoy the pleasure of masturbating for long periods without reaching orgasm. The curiosity about one's own body, the sensual nature of stimulation, and the eroticism of the exploration are the most important points. You will increase your pleasure if you allow yourself to explore your fantasies as well as your entire body, because your mind and your body work together for sexual satisfaction and pleasure.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-19365095055644144362010-04-22T17:46:00.020-04:002010-04-22T19:01:00.454-04:00Simultaneous OrgasmsIn some people's vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it's an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one's sexual activities coming to it's logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It's true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some "marriage manuals" actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.<br /><br />Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.<br /><br />If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.<br /><br />At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn't be.<br /><br />Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away - time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner's body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner's orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse - not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-67205061433411024232010-04-18T19:51:00.022-04:002010-04-18T21:03:06.996-04:00Shape Up for Sex, Part TwoIn my attempts to get everyone up off their couch and exercising to improve their sex life, here is part two of of "Shape Up for Sex." <a href="http://reclaimyoursexuality.blogspot.com/2010/03/shape-up-for-sex-part-one.html">Part One</a> describes two easy stretches and exercises vital for maintaining flexibility important for your sex life. A much earlier post, "<a href="http://reclaimyoursexuality.blogspot.com/2009/12/do-you-have-2-mintues-for-oral-sex.html">Do you have 2 minutes for Sex?</a>" gives a basic rag-doll stretch that helps relieve muscle tightness from your ankles up to the back of your neck. Check both of these out if you haven't already. Here, we have two more stretches and two more exercises to incorporate into your day. They are simple, don't require any special equipment, and definitely contribute to increased strength and stamina in your sex life.<br /><br />The first stretch is a stretch of the quadratus lumborum muscle of the lower back. Many people experience tightness in this muscle, but don't know of an effective way of relieving this tension. I find this method to be the most simple, straightforward, and safest way to stretch this muscle. You begin by standing straight up and crossing your right foot in front of your left foot. You may choose to position yourself next to the arm of the couch if you need to hang on to something. Next, you bend your body slowly to the left side until you feel the stretch in your right lower back. Make sure that you are bending straight to the side and not bending your body forward. Next, hold this position for between 30-60 seconds. Remember that in order to have an effective stretch, you need to hold it more than 30 seconds with no bouncing. Then switch legs and stretch to the other side. <br /><br /><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6THagzWupYvmePjYIP5hcnczhum7bD1daaRzYccH3k8W0Sj3zyUyip60mPEv9QYdgvXGuuQLANHT6l9my94wUAVgpX2ekQm2H2edkt7mWOypyQ7pW7G4WZMFTHTAxpsw0gSJsi4CvLGk/s200/child+pose.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5461637299488119794" border="0" />The next stretch is the child's pose from yoga. This is another wonderful stretch for both the lower back, as well as the upper back and shoulders. You start by kneeling and sitting back onto your feet. Then you bend your body forward with your arms stretched out in front of you. As you exhale, lower your head until your forward touches the floor. Then relax into this stretch and hold this position for one minute.<br /><br />And now for the exercises. We will start with push ups. These build strength that not only help men stabilize themselves in positions when they are on top, but also can be helpful for women especially when trying positions such as being on all fours, or seated on top of her partner and using her arms to hold the back of a chair or couch. The goal is to be able to do 3 sets of 10 push ups. If you cannot do 10 consecutively, do as many as you can and work your way up over time. If you are not strong enough to do one full push up, which is the case for many women, you can place your knees on the floor and push up from there instead of your toes. The most important thing about push ups is to keep your body straight (as in the plank position) and not lift up your hips.<br /><br />The last exercise today concentrates on your thighs. At first, it seems quite simple. But after several repetitions, you will feel the work out in your muscles. Start by squatting on the floor with your feet about shoulder width apart and the palms of your hands flat on the floor. From this position, you will push your palms into the floor as you straighten your legs. The motion ends when you have straightened your legs as much as you can while still keeping your hands flat on the floor. Your goal for this exercise is to do 3 sets of 30 repetitions. Like the push ups, if you cannot do a full 30 repetitions, do as many as you can and work your way up to 30 over time.<br /><br />For those who already have a regular workout routine, adding these simple stretches and exercises add to your strength and flexibility for a variety of sex positions. For those who do not have a regular workout routine, these are simple movements that take only a few minutes a day and will maintain your sexual fitness. So use these and put yourself in optimal shape for good sex.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-47001912459950108602010-04-15T13:13:00.012-04:002010-04-15T13:53:00.349-04:00The Benefits of OrgasmModern medicine still does not understand exactly the hows and whys of orgasm. But we do know that for humans, our psychological state is the major determining factor as to whether we can have an orgasm, or have difficulty acheiving one. We are, however, starting to understand more about what happens in the brain as a result of orgasm. But there is so much more to be studied and explored.<br /><br />First, we know that at orgasm, both men and women release an increased amount of oxytocin. We know that oxytocin promotes feelings of comfort, closeness, relaxation, and feeling tingly all over. In women, it also causes contractions of the uterus, and may contribute to stronger orgasms. Along with this is the release of prolactin, another hormone that helps us feel satisfied and calm. There are studies demonstrating that at the point of orgasm, there is a protection against feeling pain without decreasing other sensations. Some people find that it helps relieve migraines, and others find it useful for body pain. Even though the effects of pain relief are immediate and last only a few minutes, those people regularly having orgasms experience lower levels of pain overall because of the increase in the body's natural opiods. We know that people having several orgasms per week have less chance for heart disease and stroke. I would also venture to guess that they smile more often. <br /><br />Perhaps the most enjoyable benefit of orgasm is the feeling of being alive and charged sexually. When you orgasm, you feel powerful. It increases your blood flow throughout your body, but most importantly, to your genitals for increased support of those tissues and muscles. This is the best way to keep these tissues healthy, because blood flow promotes more blood flow in a positive feedback cycle. It's the flip side of 'use it or lose it.'<br /><br />Even if you don't have a partner, bringing yourself to orgasm helps you gain some of these benefits. Although not all will admit it, most men will continue to actively masturbate even if they don't have a partner. I am still suprised, however, that there are several women who do not 'take matters into their own hands' when they find themselves without a partner. For some it is guilt, for some it seems inappropriate, for some it brings many negative automatic thoughts as to why they do not have a partner. Regardless, all of these cause a women to relinquish control of her sexuality and abandon an activity that her body thrives on. <br /><br />I propose that we all masturbate frequently and happily. Just imagine if everyone woke up just a few minutes earlier and was able to have a little orgasm before leaving for work? I wonder if we would have a lot less road rage?Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-70971658295598274972010-04-02T11:49:00.012-04:002010-04-02T12:42:18.150-04:00Exercising Your Concentration for a Better Sex Life<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKt4KVDEHN_Azt1dleS6QJ8Gyn3OUBAjN8K26_9HH8x36WhNatTwqtmiCdrkNxPl7-KVfjUuD_b56HqTMDUeqqGso7oYSEgwHx_TFHxGVk5LVsyNRiHiOAlt7IxYtMBPQOFkyqzc2rlls/s200/shell.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5455581052101607010" border="0" />Most people have heard about the use of meditation for relaxation. We first learn to focus on our breath, which grounds us in the present and helps quiet our mind of all other thoughts for the moment. It is a wonderful practice that becomes easier to do with repetition and time. By concentrating on your breath - the way it feels to draw the breath in, the fullness of holding it for that split second, then the feeling of the exhalation and release of tension - all other thoughts are momentarily suspended and cannot affect you. This reduces anxiety and allows the brain to relax.<br /><br />In sex, we often have a multitude of anxious thoughts running through our mind - "Does my partner think I'm attractive?", "Am I going to be able to get as excited as I need to?", "Is my partner going to be happy with me?" Such thoughts are the brain's attempt to control the experience and achieve success. The paradox, however, is that these attempts of controlling the experience increase our anxiety, which short-circuits our sexual arousal. For some people, this is experienced as difficulty attaining or maintaining an erection, or difficulty lubricating, or excess muscle tension not allowing for penetration. If you are able to quiet these thoughts, and instead focus your attention on the pleasurable physical sensations you are experiencing, or fantasies that excite you, then you allow yourself to continue to have heightened sexual arousal.<br /><br />This is where concentrations exercises can be of benefit. By practicing exercises in concentration and focus daily, you can enhance your brain's ability to focus and quiet your anxious, racing thoughts. First, pick a time and place where you will not be disturbed for a few minutes. It should be relatively quiet or have noise that fades in the background. In front of the tv or with music on is not conducive to focusing your attention. Once you have a few minutes free, you can start off by taking a simple object, nothing too complex, and placing all of your attention on it. You can either hold it, or just watch it where it sits. Next, you will notice the color of it, and the texture. You can notice any shadows or changes in reflection. Pay attention to its shape and edges. Continue to focus on this object and breathe normally.<br /><br />If you notice that your mind wants to wander to something else, just calmly bring it back to focusing on the object. At first, practice doing this for about 3 minutes at a time each day. Once you feel comfortable with that amount of time, increase it to 5 minutes at a time every day. Eventually, you can work up to 10 minutes at a time or more. By doing this, you are retraining your mind to focus and you are improving your ability to concentrate. With practice, your ability becomes stronger and it becomes easier for you to quiet your mind and focus on the present moment. With this ability, you can translate it into increased enjoyment and sexual satisfaction by placing more of your attention on what's actually happening in the moment, rather than have your brain occupied by past experiences or future worries. Not only does it heighten your sexual pleasure, but it also increases your connection with your partner, really opening the door to great sex.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-11835098346988107112010-03-30T21:00:00.008-04:002010-05-12T08:43:05.210-04:00Prostate Stimulation for Sexual Pleasure<img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEZ84KIw_58Y57r_uy-fnQCKCutVf8vFEYFkaZ5NB3EgJ9aB-Gb6bWAUopc3Af1sWUUcbohngJwHMydJxF9KRmmbmGWVXG6fed4p7p0ZX4CoZwcBIQmn10Iw9Lo9cnQQpKyMoqwpfMFus/s200/finger.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454627897103765410" border="0" />The prostate is a gland in men that contributes to semen by producing up to a third of the fluid that mixes with the sperm produced in the testes. Together, this makes up the ejaculate that comes out at orgasm. Most men don't think about their prostate unless there is a problem with it, and would prefer if they never had to think about it. To talk about the prostate gland is to bring up images of cancer or surgery that people would prefer to ignore. But I'm here to get you to think about the prostate in a different way. The prostate can be a source of great pleasure for those willing to venture. Those men that enjoy prostate stimulation say that it greatly enhances their pleasure and intensifies their orgasms.<br /><br />Many heterosexual men have a fear of having their prostate stimulated because they may interpret any pleasure they have from it as an indication that they might be homosexual, but this is not true. Fear of interpretation of the excitement with prostate stimulation is a misunderstanding of the one's anatomy. The nerves that allow for an erection pass along each side of the prostate gland. So when the prostate is stimulated, (even by a doctor) it may lead to an erection simply because the nerves are also stimulated along with the prostate. This just means that you are normal and have sensitive nerves, nothing else. But this can be used to your advantage.<br /><br />Some do not want to proceed with any prostate stimulation or anal play because they are concerned with issues of cleanliness. This issue can be resolved with either a little prep work ahead of time, or with careful clean up afterwards. Simply using the bathroom ahead of time to empty the rectal vault will suffice for most. For those who want to engage in a large amount of anal play or sex, they may choose to prep with an enema. Others prefer to just wash with soap and water on the exterior and then wash themselves afterwards. The giver of the prostate stimulation can either use a glove, or a condom over a finger, or just wash the finger carefully afterwards with soap and water, paying careful attention to clean under and around the fingernails. Making sure that fingernails are trimmed and filed smooth is also a good idea.<br /><br />Once you have decided to explore the sensations with prostate stimulation, you need to prepare yourself with plenty of lube and probably a little towel. One of the most important things to remember is that the anus does not produce any lubrication of its own and the tissues are fragile. Because of this, adding lubrication is very important to prevent tearing or irritation of those tissues. You can choose to use a water-based lube which is compatible with all materials and toys, but it does dry up faster than some other lubes. For anal play and prostate stimulation, you can also try silicone-based lubes. They are also compatible with latex and other condoms, and last longer than water-based lubes. Just remember that silicone-based lubrication cannot be used with silicone-based toys because the friction between them will cause the breakdown of the toy. Many people choose to use a condom over their silicone anal toy or prostate-stimulating toy in order to use the longer-lasting silicone lube.<br /><br />You can experiment with different positions, some preferring to lay on their sides with one leg bent up. Others prefer to be on all fours. Others still prefer to lay flat on their backs. Whichever position you choose, a good thing to keep in mind is to go slow and let the receiver decide the pace of the activity. By going slow, the receiver feels things more intensely, it allows for relaxation, and there is less risk of hurting your partner. Fingers are the best way to start this exploration. Start by gently stimulating the exterior part of the anus with lube by stroking back and forth or pressing gently in a circular motion. Once the receiver is comfortable with this pressure, you can begin to gently introduce the tip of the finger either with constant pressure or with gentle in and out motion. As the receiver allows, you may continue to push the finger inwards until you reach the prostate.<br /><br />If you point your finger forward towards the front of his body, you will find the prostate gland about 2-3 inches in, depending on the person's anatomy. You will feel a rounded surface about the size of a walnut. Once you find the prostate, you can press gently on it and stroke it from side to side or make circles around it. Because the prostate is a gland, it is softer than muscle tissue and needs to be treated gently. This means that it should not be poked, jabbed, or pushed with much force. There are many blood vessels in and around the prostate and it can get bruised if not handled properly.<br /><br />It also is an added bonus that on orgasm, the PC muscles which also include the anal sphincter contract around your finger, creating extra sensation for the receiver. There are also a multitude of toys made especially for prostate stimulation. If you are going to choose one, you can use your experience with your finger's position and depth as your guide for comparison. When choosing a toy, remember that silicone, stainless steel, glass and hard plastic toys are non-porous, and do not allow bacteria to penetrate so they can be cleaned thoroughly. Some of these have loops that allow you to slip your fingers in for better handling of the toy. Regardless of what you choose, any toy used anally should have a flange/widened base to prevent it from accidentally sliding in all the way.<br /><br />So if you and your partner find yourself in an adventurous mood, you can begin to explore how prostate stimulation can enhance his sexual pleasure. Don't be afraid to explore or start a dialogue with your partner. I welcome comments or questions.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-12382213610332247122010-03-24T22:08:00.002-04:002010-03-24T22:16:52.573-04:00The U-SpotIt seems that it's in our nature as humans to want to put labels on everything because it helps us feel like we have control or power over things. So I was amused when someone today brought up the "U-Spot" after reading about it in Esquire Magazine. The U-Spot is not new, and it's certainly familiar to a multitude of women whose partners like to explore the area during oral sex. But for those who have not heard about the U-Spot, I thought it would be helpful to talk about what it is and why it gets the buzz that it does.<br /><br />The U-Spot is the common term given to the area that surrounds the opening of the urethra in women. This area can be particularly sensitive because the female urethra is surrounded by spongy erectile tissue that fills with blood upon sexual arousal. This spongy tissue extends from the anterior vaginal wall, around the urethra, all the way to the pubic bone. Anatomists have called this spongy tissue the Skene's glands, or the periurethral glands. Some even call it the female prostate and believe this is where female ejaculate may come from. The skin that is directly over this spongy tissue, then, is known as the U-Spot. It's already very sensitive on it's own, but becomes even more sensitive once a woman gets sexually aroused.<br /><br />So what am I supposed to do with this U-Spot, you ask? First let me say that if you are approaching this with a an attitude of "I've got to find this" then take a step back. So many people develop this performance-based attitude that feeds your ego, but takes away from your enjoyment and the fun of exploration. Plus, women like to feel that you are interested in her body, not in checking off a list of things to do. The sexiest attitude to take is a playful, exploratory experience and then see what feels good to her. Now that that's out of my system.....<br /><br />The U-Spot feels the best when it is wet and touched gently. You do not need to put a lot of pressure on it, and many women have discovered this spot just from their partner rubbing the head of their penis up and down their labia. This is a motion that can be incorporated with stimulation of the clitoris and can be a way to reach orgasm all on its own for some women. The U-Spot can also be stimulated with fingers, but remember - gentle stroking across it is usually more pleasurable than pushing on it (it's a spot, not a button). Once again, incorporating this stroking with stroking of the clitoris above it may also be a pathway to orgasm for some women. And as with all things having to do with sexuality and anatomy, some women have very sensitive U-Spots, while some do not. When using fingers, you may find she likes to have some wet stroking all the way from the clitoris, over the U-Spot and then just into the opening of the vagina.<br /><br />But most people would agree that oral sex is one of the best ways to stimulate the U-Spot. This is because it already makes the area wet and has less friction than the skin of the fingers. The easiest way to find it is to find the opening of the vagina with your tongue, then softly and slowly lick upwards towards the clitoris, as if you are licking an ice-cream cone. This way, you can see which area she is most sensitive in, and you won't overwhelm her with too much pressure or speed. Once you find the spot she likes, you can experiment with putting different amounts of pressure with your tongue, or going faster or slower. <br /><br />So there's the skinny on the U-Spot, which you may already know, even if the name is not familiar. So for those women who have been deriving pleasure from this already, continue to enjoy and don't worry about the name.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-31555987328443405622010-03-22T21:01:00.013-04:002010-03-22T21:17:56.319-04:00Shape Up for Sex, Part OneToday, I would like to present a few stretches and exercises that are easy to perform and can improve your sexual performance and satisfaction. If you take care of yourself, you put yourself in a better position to enjoy sex, feel more comfortable with your body, and increase your sexual pleasure because of it. Let me say that having a regular exercise regimen is the best plan for your overall health and your sexual functioning because it maintains your muscle strength, your metabolism, your endurance, your blood flow, and your sleep patterns. But there are specific exercises that help you strengthen those muscle groups you often use in sex. And if you have been avoiding your body lately, here are some simple suggestions that can get you back on track. They can be done without any special equipment right in your living room or bedroom floor. And the beauty of these is that they are important for both men and women to prepare for a better time in the bedroom. Please do these stretches and exercises on the floor and not on your bed, as the movement of the bed increases your risk for injuries and does not allow for maximal stretching.<br /><br />Let's start with the stretches. These are particularly important because when you increase your muscle flexibility, you increase your range of motion which allows for increased endurance and comfort in a variety of positions in sex. These stretches should be performed for a couple of minutes a day, every day. This way, you will be able build on your existing flexibility and add to it little by little each day. Remember, that when you stretch, you should hold the position for at least 30 seconds and up to 60 seconds or longer if it possible. The reason for this is that muscle tissue does not fully relax for the first 30 seconds or so and requires more time to get results. Also important is to hold a steady stretch and not to bounce. Although many people stretch this way, it actually promotes muscle tension and does not help you stretch effectively.<br /><br />The first stretch starts by laying flat on your back on the floor. <img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuQDtISf0F2wqtk9S_H14LK-FpW9NiELZ9T83jjwfgQafbJpQyK8-F9y9l7pTl0KJzeYFI_UdwZsHUe2Xa-f6VxslNxjopeAs4G8kN6PIOKgC3JkyosyHCHd1RfCWzOr1RQg_mc-JvFp0/s200/knees+to+chest.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451630008148522370" border="0" />Take a deep breath in, then exhale. As you do this, feel the tension go out through the bottoms of your feet. Then bend your knees and lift them both up towards your chest. Next, hold on to your knees with your hands, or if you can, wrap your arms around your knees. Your legs will probably be most comfortable on each side of your body. As you do this, pull your knees towards you and hold this position. Breathe normally and with each exhale, imagine your lower back flat against the floor. This will relax the muscles of the lower back while also stretching some of the tiny muscles of the hip joint. You can enjoy this relaxing position for several minutes.<br /><br />The next stretch is a basic straddle that is often done in gymnastics <img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 132px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFbI7WklwIT5pA-4-WkdJ0YB1w6E9ZA5UKGfxmaZ4ZrwWqA2SYVH0QrL2pIGJ_vrm79aATHA-8E0PvnmW47yu-pmgQOJhGx5auBYcuLRHeLk5Plh8G4SbN2HLzN6oOW4XAxzBClqYXnbs/s200/straddle.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451630456341817170" border="0" />or in martial arts. The point of this stretch is to loosen any tension in the inner part of the thigh muscles. It is very important that you do not force this position, as there are large tendons here that are not as elastic as the muscles they are connected to. For this stretch, you sit on the floor and place your legs in a "V" shape to each side. It is important that you only spread you legs until you start to feel some tension on the inside of your thighs and no more. Next, place the palms of your hands flat on the floor in front of you to support your body. Then you will start the stretch by leaning forward with your head and body until you feel a good stretch in your inner thighs. Once you have found a good position, hold this and breathe in a slow and relaxed way, imagining with each exhalation that your muscles are stretching just a little bit more. Remember not to bounce here!<br /><br />Now on to two exercises that are simple to do, but deceptively difficult if <img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 132px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiybIo4V5GI-lN8vUCGIf87C1hQ8fjM63diMC71dLCGbdNvAnT3uOJxkepuRxhCXiaCx3cQrdH1oq4RHOj6Uci_Fu8huha-nu7w3T1lBOl9HC7MKZXGZ-7l1OCKWTeB4hG58rVrQps05W0/s200/plank.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451630756935732978" border="0" />you are not accustomed to strengthening your core. The first exercise focuses on the core muscles, especially the abdominals, but can work on upper arms, thighs, buttocks and back if these are not strong. For those of you familiar with yoga, the first exercise I am going to describe is known as "the plank". For those who have not practiced yoga, it is easiest to start laying face down on the floor. Place the palms of your hands on each side of your shoulders and flat against the floor so that your forearms are also flat against the floor. Curl your toes so that you are on the balls of your feet as well. Next, lift your weight up onto your forearms and palms, lifting your entire body down to your feet, and hold this position. You will find that you need to pull your abdominal muscles tight in order to maintain this position. Breathe as normally as possible for at least 15 normal breaths. As your strength increases, you can also increase the time that you hold this position.<br /><br />The last exercise is known in yoga as "the bridge." You begin by laying on<img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUDNrs_HyPPwh-9Lb2By1BsTC7J6gaErOBRzV4Hom7fCH3ivK-cOqXi22XgFNu5aVfZlokauxw24K3_-QwK-nTtFb71cpqgGrOG0WFFscW90eMrp98w1RwZzxodxol6gmvTHXwRXofzgk/s200/bridge+pose.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451631012446879010" border="0" /> your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Your arms should also be flat on the floor to either side of your body. Next, you will press the soles of your feet into the ground and you lift your hips in the air until your weight is resting only on your feet and your upper back/shoulders. You will find that you need to press your gluteus muscles up towards the ceiling to maintain a straight position. Breathe and hold this position as you did for the plank.<br /><br />By doing these stretches and exercises, men will find that they can increase their endurance for thrusting and women can increase their ability to press their hips up against their partner to match their thrusts. Stretching also helps take the pressure off of the lower back for both men and women and increases the comfort of maintaining sexual positions for longer periods of time. Remember that good sex starts with taking care of yourself first.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-6880727203673044972010-03-17T10:39:00.019-04:002010-03-17T22:14:36.139-04:00What Makes for Great Sex?People always seem to be in search of "great sex." Magazine and blogs are filled with articles about the few simple things that you can do that make it happen for you. And the way they promote these 'sex tips' are as if there is some secret information that can be imparted and you will magically start having "great sex." The problem is that the idea of "great sex" is subjective and changes from person to person. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in 2009 explains just how "great sex" is less dependent on actual physical functioning and more about your ability to let go and enjoy the moment.<br /><br />Of course, the predominant messages repeated about what we need to have "great sex" focus on making us feel insecure and lacking. Pharmaceutical companies only gain to benefit if you believe that their pill can make your experience more pleasurable for you and your partner. And media can continue to sell you their '7 things you must know' articles just in case you weren't in the know.<br /><br />But the study, entitled "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"," presents different ideas for us to consider. The elements of what makes "great sex," according to their participants, is not what the pharmaceutical companies and the makers of male-enhancement formulas would like you to believe. Instead, they came up with 8 major components of one's sex life that are crucial to the experience of "great sex." These are experienced by way of letting go, being true to oneself, and taking risks. The 8 components are:<br /><br />1. <font style="font-style: italic;">Being present, focused and embodied</font>. This refers to having a calm mind that is not constantly analyzing what is going on, but instead, just experiencing every moment to the fullest of your ability. "You are the situation."<br /><br />2. <font style="font-style: italic;">Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch</font>. Described in different ways, this refers to the feeling of being one with your partner - where you literally feel that there is no difference between your bodies. Some have described this as feeling "with" the other person.<br /><br />3. <font style="font-style: italic;">Deep sexual and erotic intimacy</font>. This includes a deep caring for the other person, trust, genuine acceptance and admiration and deep mutual respect. This is opening up and knowing that you will be taken care of and accepted.<br /><br />4. <span style="font-style: italic;">Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy</span>. This requires partners to be able to really listen to what the other is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. It becomes an automatic attention to detail where touch is an erotic form of communication and there is an understanding and appreciation of the other person's experience. <br /><br />5. <span style="font-style: italic;">Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency</span>. This is what it means to be your true self, as opposed to who you think other people expect you to be. It allows you to give yourself up to your pleasure without censoring yourself.<br /><br />6. <span style="font-style: italic;">Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing</span>. In this component, you are transported as if you have hypnotized yourself, so that everything else melts away - time, your surroundings, noises - so that all you experience is your pleasure and your partner.<br /><br />7. <span style="font-style: italic;">Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun</span>. When you allow yourself to have fun and truly explore who you are sexually, your experience of sex takes on a new level that is not dependent on the physical. <br /><br />8. <span style="font-style: italic;">Vulnerability and surrender</span>. When you are able to give yourself up to your partner, there is no hesitation. One feels completely free, and what may have previously been scary is now extremely erotic. <br /><br />There are many people who are enjoying these components of "great sex" but do not match with the media and pharmaceutical companies' very physically based idea of rock-hard erections or instant lubrication. Our ability to experience intense sexual pleasure as human beings relies on things above and beyond the animal world - our ability to experience a moment, a connection, a sharing, an understanding, and fun.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-63801381511618269212010-03-14T21:36:00.015-04:002010-03-14T23:05:54.428-04:00How Anxiety Messes-Up SexIn my practice, I have to say that upwards of 80% of the difficulties that people have with their sex lives and sexual functioning is rooted in anxiety. Most of the work I do is teaching people how to let go of their anxiety and just allow themselves to experience pleasure. From vaginismus, to premature ejaculation, to erectile dysfuntion in the absence of physical problems, to arousal difficulties in women - to name a few, all these are based in anxiety. The interesting thing about anxiety is that, although many people would admit that they have anxiety, many don't understand how it could interfere with their sexual arousal and performance. So I would like to take a couples of lines to speak about how anxiety interferes with sex.<br /><br />Anxiety (or stress, nervousness, worry, or fear) is a natural part of life. Without a little anxiety, there would be little motivation to get things done or any sign to tell us that we are in danger. Anxiety is a way of alerting the body and mind that it should take some action. In order to understand just how anxiety works, it is important to explain the body's autonomic system. This is the part of the nervous system that is not under our voluntary control. It is divided into the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. <br /><br />The parasympathetic nervous system is the one that is charged with our regenerative functions. It is the dominant system when we are digesting our food, sleeping, and maintaining our internal organs. It is opposed by the sympathetic nervous system, more commonly known as the "fight or flight response." When we are in danger and the sympathetic nervous system takes over, blood is diverted away from the internal organs and instead sent to the large voluntary muscles that allow us to take immediate physical action. It does this by constricting the blood vessels that supply our internal organs and raising our blood pressure. The heart beats faster to get the blood to the arms and legs, and the lungs breathe shallower and faster. These two parts of the autonomic nervous system directly oppose each other - the sympathetic system taking over quickly when danger (anxiety) is perceived. The difficulty is that our brain perceives our own anxious thoughts as signals of danger, and we respond physically with our sympathetic nervous system.<br /><br />But what many people do not know is that sexual arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. It is important for the body and the mind to relax in order to have physical manifestations of sexual excitation. During arousal, blood flow to the pelvis and genitals increases when the blood vessels relax. This results in an erection for men and increased blood to the prostate, and in engorgement of the clitoris and other spongy tissue as well as lubrication in women. <br /><br />With anxiety, these blood vessels constrict and sufficient blood cannot flow to the appropriate tissues. Different people are affected by anxiety at different levels. For some, a little is all it takes. It could be as simple and telling yourself "What if I don't get aroused?" Some wonder if their partner is attracted to them or if they will be pleased. Others try to <span style="font-style: italic;">will</span> themselves to get aroused - which is counter to what the brain is trying to do. <br /><br />The most important thing is to learn how to calm your own anxiety. Learning to soothe yourself and turn your negative thoughts into more positive and motivating thoughts is the way to achieve mastery over anxiety. Many people try to medicate their anxiety away or seek sexual enhancement agents to override their anxiety. This very often comes with side effects, or can result in a physical or psychological dependence. But learning how to decrease our anxiety takes effort, practice, and time. Unfortunately, our society seems to be moving more and more to instant gratification without taking responsibility or effort. But for those who would like to re-establish balance in their lives, be no longer ruled by anxiety, and not have to depend on medications for their sexual arousal and pleasure - I am there for you.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-40076164150282140202010-03-10T21:56:00.009-05:002010-03-11T08:17:02.544-05:00Positions for Mind-Blowing Orgasms<img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 134px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixh9Zg5OOaoG5wETPl21G_KiwcVo5miScvlGM-QuQhKKNFAcpCUSUpDnb9AAlvc40QI9xKe2DVMg6BgnF5QS7P6lJf9z-J_paEnwvs7_1IeNrcB4DNsQ232WsJParL9Ilc3U_OXBDIOU4/s200/indian+sex+sculpture.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5447210350707048610" border="0" />I believe that most people have the potential to explore what positions they find most pleasurable and stimulating. All you need is some playfulness, curiosity, and willingness to experiment. Because there are slight variations in anatomy including size, shape, and sensitivity, what works very well for one person, may not be so great for another. Oftentimes, what is required is some trial and error with the understanding that not everything is going to work. Many people hold themselves back by shying away from this experimentation, but it is really the best way to learn about yourself and about how you and your anatomy works with your particular partner.<br /><br />A good starting point is often a list of different ideas to choose from. I was recently asked to suggest some positions that would enhance the sexual experience, particularly for women. You can see these along with some other great positions at <a href="http://www.sheknows.com/articles/813856"><u>"Top 10 Sex Positions for Mind-Blowing Orgasms"</u></a> at <a href="http://www.sheknows.com/"><u>SheKnows.com</u></a> .Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-60033666466486935362010-03-04T00:45:00.015-05:002010-03-05T08:42:16.915-05:00Distorted View of Women's Bodies<img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 132px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ0A0qVssDNfGEqpfzaUJemTOhYjry4fG6VxeV415bsKzqtTmMx5q3cK2psOuwgVBdAHwx2UYPj6hyphenhyphenr0QMKjuL92z_0WDYSoJBHIdWAeg3GD7-B_82VcuMNmyOI1e3xgadhcXPULzenj0/s200/fake+girl.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5444650972731200930" border="0" /> I am both a very visual and very sexual person. Consequently, I enjoy watching porn on occasion. Let's face it, porn is visually stimulating, erotic, and allows a person to expand their fantasy life. But I am conscious of the importance of balance in using these images for our health and well-being.<br /><br />We already know that viewing porn on a regular basis changes our ideas of what we consider attractive. We adjust our view of what we consider acceptable or desirable to match what is put out there by the media - in this case, porn. We also tend to place value in the images we see when they are reinforced by being presented as exciting, desirable, and sexy. This is accomplished by the immediately aroused response seen in porn actors. I'm not saying that some of them are not enjoying their work, but at the end of the day, they are actors playing a fictional role.<br /><br />It's interesting to see how porn is shaping the view of what we consider attractive or sexy. First, let's consider breasts. If you look at a comparison of Playboy centerfolds from the 1960's to now, you see a large difference not only in size, but in the shape of breasts as well. Whereas years ago it was very common to see teardrop-shaped breasts, nowadays, breasts are usually very round and seem to defy gravity. It's obvious that very round breasts look more like a pregnant woman's breast - full of milk and ready to lactate. But they also may be an indicator of sexual excitement, since breasts can increase in volume from 25 - 30% when a woman gets aroused. It also seems that surgically enhanced breasts take more of the shape that natural breasts do when a woman is laying on her back - not an uncommon position for sex. Certainly, there are some beautiful surgically enhanced breasts out there. But our society's expectation of these as the standard is what seems dangerous. In some South American countries women can even have their government-sponsored health care pay for elective breasts implants (not related to mastectomy or an accident). This is how important it has become in our culture.<br /><br />If we continue our travels a little southwards (on the female figure), we notice there have been major changes in the landscaping. Where there used to be anywhere from a full bush to a neatly trimmed little patch, now it's much more common to find the absence of bush altogether. This works very well for porn if you don't want anything obstructing your camera shot. It probably makes clean up after the money shot a bit easier as well. But pubic hair has always been one of the physical characteristics that distinguishes women from girls. So where is society going with this? How did completely shaved become the norm?<br /><br />Perhaps the most disturbing trend, however, is the desire for some women to "beautify" their labia by surgical reduction. Could porn also be promoting labiaplasty? This procedure involves removing a triangle-shaped wedge from the middle of the labia, then pulling the rest together and suturing it up. (Imagine a pie slice coming out from the middle of a half-circle). This creates smaller, tighter labia. And since the edges of the labia minora are usually darker than the rest, the removal of a large part of this edge results in the appearance of lighter-colored labia. In order to create a uniform, more natural look, surgeons will often also remove part of the clitoral hood when performing a labiaplasty. The surgeons who perform labiaplasty suggest that women who have large or uneven labia should feel embarrassed with a sexual partner and that the surgery would correct this. Perhaps an understanding of what genitals actually look like would correct this without the risk of side effects from surgery. If women are comparing themselves to women they see in porn movies and skin mags, they are not getting a real view of what average and normal are. Instead, I hear of 16 year-old girls already thinking that they are "not normal" and need to "get fixed" because they think their labia are too big.<br /><br />My question is how far are we going to go? Is it porn driving this distorted view of women's bodies that society seems to be adopting? How are "Hollywood" plastic surgeons contributing to this by referring to their procedures as "the Barbie" (disturbing). We are not far from that plasticine figure that has exaggerated proportions and shape, and most notably has the absence of pubic hair or defined genitals. How distorted will we allow our vision of natural and beautiful to become?Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1241643453063689694.post-11364733334981247092010-02-25T15:28:00.003-05:002010-02-25T15:33:14.225-05:00Masturbation Does Not Equal FailureIn speaking to people about masturbation, one of my favorite <strike>activities</strike> topics, I find that many people equate masturbation with failure. They interpret the action of masturbating as a reminder that they do not have a partner, or are not getting satisfied with their partner. Consider, as well, the way that we are taught about masturbation - that it is unnatural, against nature, and a sin - usually by way of religious education. Our public opinion is so averse to masturbation that our government would fire a Surgeon General for not suggesting, but just agreeing with the idea that teaching masturbation to teenagers might reduce the incidence of risky sexual behavior. This, of course, was from President Clinton - who might have done better to engage in a little masturbation, in private, rather than oral sex and outer sex with a woman other than his wife. A little masturbation could have saved taxpayers the $6 or $7 million dollars that were spent investigating him.<br /><br />By viewing masturbation as a failure, we are refusing to take responsibility of our own sexuality and our own sexual pleasure. The rejection of masturbation as an acceptable activity assumes that we depend on others for sexual satisfaction. By doing this, we imprison ourselves and give away the key. This means that not only does happiness in our sex life rely on having a partner, but also requires that our partner be ready, willing, and able whenever we want. For those of us living in the real world, we know that this is not always the case. In fact, for the majority of women, sexual intercourse alone does not provide enough excitement or stimulation to acheive orgasm. But with lessons learned from masturbating, women can explore with their partner different ways to provide the needed stimulation by teaching their partner to stimulate them, or by stimulating themselves manually during intercourse. <br /><br />Masturbation can also be a very erotic activity to engage in with your partner. Many couples enjoy watching each other get off, while others like to get their partners off. It can be part of the beginning, middle, or end of an evening of sexual activity. Remember, there is no set format for sex unless you limit yourself to one. The only failure I see here is if a person fails to allow themselves maximal pleasure and variety in their sexual activities. <br /><br />Some would argue that masturbation is not natural and is an abomination. This is to ignore the fact that masturbation is an activity that we teach ourselves and is found to occur even before birth in the womb. The extreme negative view is more indicative of other people's insecurities and neuroses rather than the reality of the natural process of masturbation. And especially for women, who have the clitoris which serves no other function than to give pleasure, it is clear that we were built for more than just reproduction.<br /><br />Perhaps the biggest misconception is that we should not engage in masturbation if we do not have a partner, but instead just let our natural sexual desires shrivel away over time. Some view masturbation so negatively that they would rather completely ignore the entirety of their sexuality than to engage in masturbation. Again, here is the reverberation of the idea that in order to be sexual, you must have a partner. In my opinion, this is to sell yourself short. By doing so, you ignore all of the physical and psychological benefits of having regular sexual arousal and satisfaction. Instead of viewing masturbation as failure, I see it as a proactive, healthy affirmation and reinforcement of our sexual self. It supports healthy physiology for our brains as well as our bodies.Dr C.http://www.blogger.com/profile/09748425055595841746noreply@blogger.com3