Sexual Fantasies

One element of our sex life that adds to our arousal and sexual pleasure is sexual fantasy. These can be images, scenes, or stories that can range from very simple, to very complex and involved. They are shaped by several different factors including early experiences, ideas about ourselves, and how we interpret the sexual meaning of certain acts or images. How our sexual fantasies develop is also influenced by what we are taught by our families or society about what is appropriate or not appropriate. Regardless, sexual fantasies are a natural part of the way our thinking mind works to give meaning to our actions and heighten our arousal.

Since sexual fantasies can include all different kinds of images, they are often misunderstood, or become a source of anxiety. Oftentimes, a person will be sufficiently uncomfortable with their sexual fantasies that they block them out or distract themselves with other thoughts in order to keep from thinking about them. If this happens repeatedly, you may teach yourself to ignore sexual fantasies altogether, or at least those fantasies that contribute the most to your arousal. This can result in difficulty becoming aroused, excited, or reaching orgasm.

Learning a little about sexual fantasies may help you feel more comfortable with your own fantasies. Many times, fantasies can be symbolic or their meaning may not be obvious at first. This can cause some people to become upset with their fantasies and try to block them out. For example, a fairly common fantasy for some women is that might be ravished or raped. For many women, this fantasy represents the desire to be so attractive and desirable that their partner (or others in the fantasy) would not be able to resist them. It does not automatically mean that a woman wants to be raped or would enjoy being raped. So you see how this type of fantasy could be confusing and upsetting for both men and women alike.

Sexual fantasies are what give our sex lives their gusto. If you do not allow yourself to get lost in your fantasies and explore your own sexual nature, you are short-changing yourself out of pleasure and a better understanding of who you are as an individual. There are many things that people fantasize about that they would not look to carry out in real life. But that does not mean that you cannot use those fantasies to heighten your experience for yourself or with your partner. Fantasy is just that - fantasy, not reality. It is a creative space in your mind that you can use to pretend and create exciting stories, and have fun.

(This article refers to fantasies that do not involve harm towards yourself or another person, or fantasies that involve inappropriate partners - such as children or animals. If you are having such fantasies, they should be discussed with a therapist to prevent any dangerous or harmful behavior or any anxiety or depression that result from them.)

Learning to Masturbate

The nature of things is that life isn't fair, and different circumstances of life can either be a benefit or a difficulty for us. When considering masturbation, whether your family is more anxious, or more religious, or whether you have your own room or not, or even being born a girl rather than a boy, contributes to if, when, and how you may learn to masturbate.

The reality is that men tend to have nature on their side because they have much more occasion to touch their genitals than girls. When they go to the bathroom, they touch themselves. When they get an erection and have to adjust their clothing, they touch themselves. Even just finding a comfortable position to sit or lay down, they may need to touch themselves. This brings many more opportunities for a boy to discover the pleasurable sensations he can experience from rubbing or stroking himself. Oftentimes, infants or toddlers discover this early on and engage in some form of masturbation without any instruction or direction from the outside world. We know that it is a natural activity and should not be viewed in a negative way.

For adolescent boys and men, one of the difficulties related to learning about masturbating is time and location. Many times, a man does not have the privacy that he wishes to explore his fantasies or his physical sensations, and instead rushes himself to finish the job before he is discovered or interrupted. Because of this, sometimes men teach themselves to masturbate in an anxious way that can translate to anxiety around orgasm and ejaculation in later sexual relationships. When masturbating, it is beneficial for a man to have times in which he allows himself the opportunity to explore different sensations, different intensities, different speeds, and also focus on how it feels physically in addition to focusing on his fantasy material.

With women, it is a little trickier. Women do not usually touch their genitals throughout the day except when involved in personal hygiene - and that doesn't usually bring any sexy thoughts to mind. Some girls find that certain objects or ways of sitting can produce pleasant sensations, and some even explore with their hands and fingers. Regardless, these are also a natural part of growth and development and are best approached as such.

For adolescent girls and women learning to masturbate, patience and curiosity are the keys. Nothing interferes more with sexual arousal and pleasure than performance anxiety. There is so much variation in what can bring a woman pleasure - from different materials, to different positioning of fingers or toys, to different speed and intensity. In some instances, it is a matter of time. When learning how to masturbate, it is not uncommon for a woman to be touching herself for 20 minutes or more before reaching a point where she finds an orgasm. But with women, orgasm does not have to be the goal, and many women enjoy the pleasure of masturbating for long periods without reaching orgasm. The curiosity about one's own body, the sensual nature of stimulation, and the eroticism of the exploration are the most important points. You will increase your pleasure if you allow yourself to explore your fantasies as well as your entire body, because your mind and your body work together for sexual satisfaction and pleasure.

Simultaneous Orgasms

In some people's vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it's an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one's sexual activities coming to it's logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It's true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some "marriage manuals" actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.

Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.

If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.

At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn't be.

Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away - time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner's body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner's orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse - not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.

Shape Up for Sex, Part Two

In my attempts to get everyone up off their couch and exercising to improve their sex life, here is part two of of "Shape Up for Sex." Part One describes two easy stretches and exercises vital for maintaining flexibility important for your sex life. A much earlier post, "Do you have 2 minutes for Sex?" gives a basic rag-doll stretch that helps relieve muscle tightness from your ankles up to the back of your neck. Check both of these out if you haven't already. Here, we have two more stretches and two more exercises to incorporate into your day. They are simple, don't require any special equipment, and definitely contribute to increased strength and stamina in your sex life.

The first stretch is a stretch of the quadratus lumborum muscle of the lower back. Many people experience tightness in this muscle, but don't know of an effective way of relieving this tension. I find this method to be the most simple, straightforward, and safest way to stretch this muscle. You begin by standing straight up and crossing your right foot in front of your left foot. You may choose to position yourself next to the arm of the couch if you need to hang on to something. Next, you bend your body slowly to the left side until you feel the stretch in your right lower back. Make sure that you are bending straight to the side and not bending your body forward. Next, hold this position for between 30-60 seconds. Remember that in order to have an effective stretch, you need to hold it more than 30 seconds with no bouncing. Then switch legs and stretch to the other side.

The next stretch is the child's pose from yoga. This is another wonderful stretch for both the lower back, as well as the upper back and shoulders. You start by kneeling and sitting back onto your feet. Then you bend your body forward with your arms stretched out in front of you. As you exhale, lower your head until your forward touches the floor. Then relax into this stretch and hold this position for one minute.

And now for the exercises. We will start with push ups. These build strength that not only help men stabilize themselves in positions when they are on top, but also can be helpful for women especially when trying positions such as being on all fours, or seated on top of her partner and using her arms to hold the back of a chair or couch. The goal is to be able to do 3 sets of 10 push ups. If you cannot do 10 consecutively, do as many as you can and work your way up over time. If you are not strong enough to do one full push up, which is the case for many women, you can place your knees on the floor and push up from there instead of your toes. The most important thing about push ups is to keep your body straight (as in the plank position) and not lift up your hips.

The last exercise today concentrates on your thighs. At first, it seems quite simple. But after several repetitions, you will feel the work out in your muscles. Start by squatting on the floor with your feet about shoulder width apart and the palms of your hands flat on the floor. From this position, you will push your palms into the floor as you straighten your legs. The motion ends when you have straightened your legs as much as you can while still keeping your hands flat on the floor. Your goal for this exercise is to do 3 sets of 30 repetitions. Like the push ups, if you cannot do a full 30 repetitions, do as many as you can and work your way up to 30 over time.

For those who already have a regular workout routine, adding these simple stretches and exercises add to your strength and flexibility for a variety of sex positions. For those who do not have a regular workout routine, these are simple movements that take only a few minutes a day and will maintain your sexual fitness. So use these and put yourself in optimal shape for good sex.

Shape Up for Sex, Part One

Today, I would like to present a few stretches and exercises that are easy to perform and can improve your sexual performance and satisfaction. If you take care of yourself, you put yourself in a better position to enjoy sex, feel more comfortable with your body, and increase your sexual pleasure because of it. Let me say that having a regular exercise regimen is the best plan for your overall health and your sexual functioning because it maintains your muscle strength, your metabolism, your endurance, your blood flow, and your sleep patterns. But there are specific exercises that help you strengthen those muscle groups you often use in sex. And if you have been avoiding your body lately, here are some simple suggestions that can get you back on track. They can be done without any special equipment right in your living room or bedroom floor. And the beauty of these is that they are important for both men and women to prepare for a better time in the bedroom. Please do these stretches and exercises on the floor and not on your bed, as the movement of the bed increases your risk for injuries and does not allow for maximal stretching.

Let's start with the stretches. These are particularly important because when you increase your muscle flexibility, you increase your range of motion which allows for increased endurance and comfort in a variety of positions in sex. These stretches should be performed for a couple of minutes a day, every day. This way, you will be able build on your existing flexibility and add to it little by little each day. Remember, that when you stretch, you should hold the position for at least 30 seconds and up to 60 seconds or longer if it possible. The reason for this is that muscle tissue does not fully relax for the first 30 seconds or so and requires more time to get results. Also important is to hold a steady stretch and not to bounce. Although many people stretch this way, it actually promotes muscle tension and does not help you stretch effectively.

The first stretch starts by laying flat on your back on the floor. Take a deep breath in, then exhale. As you do this, feel the tension go out through the bottoms of your feet. Then bend your knees and lift them both up towards your chest. Next, hold on to your knees with your hands, or if you can, wrap your arms around your knees. Your legs will probably be most comfortable on each side of your body. As you do this, pull your knees towards you and hold this position. Breathe normally and with each exhale, imagine your lower back flat against the floor. This will relax the muscles of the lower back while also stretching some of the tiny muscles of the hip joint. You can enjoy this relaxing position for several minutes.

The next stretch is a basic straddle that is often done in gymnastics or in martial arts. The point of this stretch is to loosen any tension in the inner part of the thigh muscles. It is very important that you do not force this position, as there are large tendons here that are not as elastic as the muscles they are connected to. For this stretch, you sit on the floor and place your legs in a "V" shape to each side. It is important that you only spread you legs until you start to feel some tension on the inside of your thighs and no more. Next, place the palms of your hands flat on the floor in front of you to support your body. Then you will start the stretch by leaning forward with your head and body until you feel a good stretch in your inner thighs. Once you have found a good position, hold this and breathe in a slow and relaxed way, imagining with each exhalation that your muscles are stretching just a little bit more. Remember not to bounce here!

Now on to two exercises that are simple to do, but deceptively difficult if you are not accustomed to strengthening your core. The first exercise focuses on the core muscles, especially the abdominals, but can work on upper arms, thighs, buttocks and back if these are not strong. For those of you familiar with yoga, the first exercise I am going to describe is known as "the plank". For those who have not practiced yoga, it is easiest to start laying face down on the floor. Place the palms of your hands on each side of your shoulders and flat against the floor so that your forearms are also flat against the floor. Curl your toes so that you are on the balls of your feet as well. Next, lift your weight up onto your forearms and palms, lifting your entire body down to your feet, and hold this position. You will find that you need to pull your abdominal muscles tight in order to maintain this position. Breathe as normally as possible for at least 15 normal breaths. As your strength increases, you can also increase the time that you hold this position.

The last exercise is known in yoga as "the bridge." You begin by laying on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Your arms should also be flat on the floor to either side of your body. Next, you will press the soles of your feet into the ground and you lift your hips in the air until your weight is resting only on your feet and your upper back/shoulders. You will find that you need to press your gluteus muscles up towards the ceiling to maintain a straight position. Breathe and hold this position as you did for the plank.

By doing these stretches and exercises, men will find that they can increase their endurance for thrusting and women can increase their ability to press their hips up against their partner to match their thrusts. Stretching also helps take the pressure off of the lower back for both men and women and increases the comfort of maintaining sexual positions for longer periods of time. Remember that good sex starts with taking care of yourself first.

What Makes for Great Sex?

People always seem to be in search of "great sex." Magazine and blogs are filled with articles about the few simple things that you can do that make it happen for you. And the way they promote these 'sex tips' are as if there is some secret information that can be imparted and you will magically start having "great sex." The problem is that the idea of "great sex" is subjective and changes from person to person. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in 2009 explains just how "great sex" is less dependent on actual physical functioning and more about your ability to let go and enjoy the moment.

Of course, the predominant messages repeated about what we need to have "great sex" focus on making us feel insecure and lacking. Pharmaceutical companies only gain to benefit if you believe that their pill can make your experience more pleasurable for you and your partner. And media can continue to sell you their '7 things you must know' articles just in case you weren't in the know.

But the study, entitled "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"," presents different ideas for us to consider. The elements of what makes "great sex," according to their participants, is not what the pharmaceutical companies and the makers of male-enhancement formulas would like you to believe. Instead, they came up with 8 major components of one's sex life that are crucial to the experience of "great sex." These are experienced by way of letting go, being true to oneself, and taking risks. The 8 components are:

1. Being present, focused and embodied. This refers to having a calm mind that is not constantly analyzing what is going on, but instead, just experiencing every moment to the fullest of your ability. "You are the situation."

2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch. Described in different ways, this refers to the feeling of being one with your partner - where you literally feel that there is no difference between your bodies. Some have described this as feeling "with" the other person.

3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. This includes a deep caring for the other person, trust, genuine acceptance and admiration and deep mutual respect. This is opening up and knowing that you will be taken care of and accepted.

4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. This requires partners to be able to really listen to what the other is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. It becomes an automatic attention to detail where touch is an erotic form of communication and there is an understanding and appreciation of the other person's experience.

5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. This is what it means to be your true self, as opposed to who you think other people expect you to be. It allows you to give yourself up to your pleasure without censoring yourself.

6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. In this component, you are transported as if you have hypnotized yourself, so that everything else melts away - time, your surroundings, noises - so that all you experience is your pleasure and your partner.

7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. When you allow yourself to have fun and truly explore who you are sexually, your experience of sex takes on a new level that is not dependent on the physical.

8. Vulnerability and surrender. When you are able to give yourself up to your partner, there is no hesitation. One feels completely free, and what may have previously been scary is now extremely erotic.

There are many people who are enjoying these components of "great sex" but do not match with the media and pharmaceutical companies' very physically based idea of rock-hard erections or instant lubrication. Our ability to experience intense sexual pleasure as human beings relies on things above and beyond the animal world - our ability to experience a moment, a connection, a sharing, an understanding, and fun.

Sex is a many splendored thing.

Sex is for reproduction. There is no denying this. It's the stuff of sex ed: sperm meets egg, implantation, development, etc. It is the most traditional and natural purpose for the activity. It is why we're made male and female and why part of our physical attraction to the other sex is rooted in our perception of that potential mate's ability to produce healthy children.

Sex is for entertainment. Sex is fun. It feels good. Orgasms can be all-encompasing and, for the moment, everything else fades away. If you need any evidence that sex is for entertainment, you need look no further than a woman's clitoris. It serves no reproductive purpose, it's far enough away from the vaginal opening that most women can't come with vaginal penetration alone, and it has the most concentration of nerve endings per surface area of any other spot on the human body. So if not for entertainment, why would it be there? And because our minds have the ability to travel anywhere, sex can be anything we want it to be - anything we let it be. The combination of our pleasurable physical sensations and the power of our creative mind giving us erotic fantasies, make sex the ultimate trip.

Sex is for bonding. In the act of sex, we have the opportunity to reveal ourselves to our partner. Each time we do this and we have a positive experience, this brings us closer to them and allows our trust in them to grow. Also, having orgasms with our partners helps us feel closer to them, especially if we take advantage of the post-orgasm oxytocin release and lay in each others arms, lay on top of each other, cuddle, or fall asleep touching each other. So we see that sex is a mechanism which can increase emotional ties.

Sex is for winning. The act of sex is concerned with conquest and domination. That feeling of power can be a huge rush and part of the excitement of sex. And where there is conquest and domination, there is also surrender and submission. Through the act of sex, we also see how the submissive really has the power, and experience the pleasure that accompanies that position.

Sex is for compromise. In the process of coming together for sex, we realize that we are two different people with different wants, desires, fantasies, energy levels, and agendas. There are many times that sex requires a compromise on our part in order to please our partner, and vice versa. Hopefully, we learn how to negotiate our relationship so that both partners can have enjoyment and rapture in sex. When we learn to get excited by watching our partner get off, we accept compromise more easily and see that it is normal in our sex life to have a variety of activity, sometimes just for your partner, and sometimes just for you.

Sex is for personal growth. One of the amazing things about sex is that it gives us the opportunity to look into the core of who we are emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Sometimes we scare ourselves. But whatever we find, we experience an opportunity for growth and personal acceptance. If you realize that deep down we all have desires that have elements of aggression, or selfishness, or dependency, or adoration - and learn to accept that this is natural - we can learn to let go of unnecessary anxiety or guilt that may be interfering with our happiness and success.

Sex is for health. Our bodies work well when we have a regular pattern of sex. Sex helps us handle stress better and helps us feel less physical pain. Men who orgasm at least once per week were found to have better prostate health. And women who orgasm at least once per week have stronger PC muscles and decrease their chance for urinary incontinence later in life. Regular sexual activity keeps our blood flowing to our gentinals and a healthy balance of neurotransmitters flowing in our brains.

These things are neither good nor bad, they just are. And when we have a balance of all of these, we experience more happiness, more success, more peace, and more health both in our sex lives and our lives in general. Enjoy.

Give Yourself a Hand

"Masturbate? Who me?" "No, I don't do that anymore." "I don't need to do that now." Or better yet: "I never did that!"

I am here to say that it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, masturbation is not only pleasurable, but it's healthy and it's part of a balanced sex life. First of all, your sexuality belongs to you. So even if you have a partner, you should never give up control of your sexuality. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own happiness. The sooner you know that, the sooner you can share that happiness with somebody else. When you have a partner, you won't always be on the same page as them, or won't always be in the same mood as them, or you won't always have the same energy as them. But if you are in charge of your own sexuality, masturbation can help bridge those gaps. And masturbation doesn't have to be something you do by yourself. Maybe your partner can watch? Maybe they'll get so turned on watching you, they'll want to join in? Or maybe they can just get pleasure from knowing that you're getting off without any pressure on them. All of you who have been in long term relationships know that it is impossible to always be in sync with our partners all the time.

If you have never spoken to your partner about masturbation, that's the first step. Once you have open communication about different ways to have pleasure, you can bring up the topic of masturbation. Remember, doing it on your own is ok too. The main word here is balance. If it is not used to avoid your partner, or done compulsively, it is a natural part of your sex life that can actually enhance your sex life.

For those individuals without a partner, masturbation might make up the entirety of your sex life. Don't rationalize to yourself that you don't need it or that you don't want it. Both our body and our brain run on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' Masturbation not only gives us pleasure, but it also makes us feel alive. Orgasms release chemicals in our brain that help us feel more relaxed, happier, and more secure. Besides that, masturbation increases blood flow to our genitals which is important in maintaining sexual functioning over time. And every time you have an orgasm, it helps maintain tone in your PC muscles that help women keep continent after menopause or childbirth, and help men have stronger erections and ejaculation. So don't forget to give yourself a hand now and then!

Thanksgiving Thoughts

I want to share my gratitude exercise for the day with you:

I am grateful that my mother required me to pick some sort of physical sport that required practice at least 3 times a week from elementary school until the end of high school. I am also grateful that she would not let me take French in high school, but instead made me take Spanish for Spanish speakers as well as typing. Boy, that turned out to be huge!

I am grateful that I finally started learning how to breathe. That certainly has improved my running, my swimming, but also my orgasms. It's amazing how that works.

And I am grateful that I learned to give myself pleasure early in life - 11 or 12 years old. I found that I could give myself orgasms in several different ways. And best of all, I could give myself multiple orgasms. All this happened long before I ever had a boyfriend. Not only was I able to discover what my body enjoyed and responded to, but I was able to learn without a doubt that I alone was responsible for my sexual pleasure. I am grateful I learned that no one is in control of my sexual pleasure but me and that makes all the difference for my happiness in my sex life now.

And finally, I am grateful that I became a sex therapist - not only because I love to teach and help increase other people's health and happiness, but because I see that your sex life is continuously evolving and being reinvented. I still masturbate pretty regularly today and every once in awhile, I discover something new that I can bring to my relationship with my partner or just enjoy by myself. For all these things and more, I am grateful.