Sexual Fantasies

One element of our sex life that adds to our arousal and sexual pleasure is sexual fantasy. These can be images, scenes, or stories that can range from very simple, to very complex and involved. They are shaped by several different factors including early experiences, ideas about ourselves, and how we interpret the sexual meaning of certain acts or images. How our sexual fantasies develop is also influenced by what we are taught by our families or society about what is appropriate or not appropriate. Regardless, sexual fantasies are a natural part of the way our thinking mind works to give meaning to our actions and heighten our arousal.

Since sexual fantasies can include all different kinds of images, they are often misunderstood, or become a source of anxiety. Oftentimes, a person will be sufficiently uncomfortable with their sexual fantasies that they block them out or distract themselves with other thoughts in order to keep from thinking about them. If this happens repeatedly, you may teach yourself to ignore sexual fantasies altogether, or at least those fantasies that contribute the most to your arousal. This can result in difficulty becoming aroused, excited, or reaching orgasm.

Learning a little about sexual fantasies may help you feel more comfortable with your own fantasies. Many times, fantasies can be symbolic or their meaning may not be obvious at first. This can cause some people to become upset with their fantasies and try to block them out. For example, a fairly common fantasy for some women is that might be ravished or raped. For many women, this fantasy represents the desire to be so attractive and desirable that their partner (or others in the fantasy) would not be able to resist them. It does not automatically mean that a woman wants to be raped or would enjoy being raped. So you see how this type of fantasy could be confusing and upsetting for both men and women alike.

Sexual fantasies are what give our sex lives their gusto. If you do not allow yourself to get lost in your fantasies and explore your own sexual nature, you are short-changing yourself out of pleasure and a better understanding of who you are as an individual. There are many things that people fantasize about that they would not look to carry out in real life. But that does not mean that you cannot use those fantasies to heighten your experience for yourself or with your partner. Fantasy is just that - fantasy, not reality. It is a creative space in your mind that you can use to pretend and create exciting stories, and have fun.

(This article refers to fantasies that do not involve harm towards yourself or another person, or fantasies that involve inappropriate partners - such as children or animals. If you are having such fantasies, they should be discussed with a therapist to prevent any dangerous or harmful behavior or any anxiety or depression that result from them.)

Learning to Masturbate

The nature of things is that life isn't fair, and different circumstances of life can either be a benefit or a difficulty for us. When considering masturbation, whether your family is more anxious, or more religious, or whether you have your own room or not, or even being born a girl rather than a boy, contributes to if, when, and how you may learn to masturbate.

The reality is that men tend to have nature on their side because they have much more occasion to touch their genitals than girls. When they go to the bathroom, they touch themselves. When they get an erection and have to adjust their clothing, they touch themselves. Even just finding a comfortable position to sit or lay down, they may need to touch themselves. This brings many more opportunities for a boy to discover the pleasurable sensations he can experience from rubbing or stroking himself. Oftentimes, infants or toddlers discover this early on and engage in some form of masturbation without any instruction or direction from the outside world. We know that it is a natural activity and should not be viewed in a negative way.

For adolescent boys and men, one of the difficulties related to learning about masturbating is time and location. Many times, a man does not have the privacy that he wishes to explore his fantasies or his physical sensations, and instead rushes himself to finish the job before he is discovered or interrupted. Because of this, sometimes men teach themselves to masturbate in an anxious way that can translate to anxiety around orgasm and ejaculation in later sexual relationships. When masturbating, it is beneficial for a man to have times in which he allows himself the opportunity to explore different sensations, different intensities, different speeds, and also focus on how it feels physically in addition to focusing on his fantasy material.

With women, it is a little trickier. Women do not usually touch their genitals throughout the day except when involved in personal hygiene - and that doesn't usually bring any sexy thoughts to mind. Some girls find that certain objects or ways of sitting can produce pleasant sensations, and some even explore with their hands and fingers. Regardless, these are also a natural part of growth and development and are best approached as such.

For adolescent girls and women learning to masturbate, patience and curiosity are the keys. Nothing interferes more with sexual arousal and pleasure than performance anxiety. There is so much variation in what can bring a woman pleasure - from different materials, to different positioning of fingers or toys, to different speed and intensity. In some instances, it is a matter of time. When learning how to masturbate, it is not uncommon for a woman to be touching herself for 20 minutes or more before reaching a point where she finds an orgasm. But with women, orgasm does not have to be the goal, and many women enjoy the pleasure of masturbating for long periods without reaching orgasm. The curiosity about one's own body, the sensual nature of stimulation, and the eroticism of the exploration are the most important points. You will increase your pleasure if you allow yourself to explore your fantasies as well as your entire body, because your mind and your body work together for sexual satisfaction and pleasure.

Exercising Your Concentration for a Better Sex Life

Most people have heard about the use of meditation for relaxation. We first learn to focus on our breath, which grounds us in the present and helps quiet our mind of all other thoughts for the moment. It is a wonderful practice that becomes easier to do with repetition and time. By concentrating on your breath - the way it feels to draw the breath in, the fullness of holding it for that split second, then the feeling of the exhalation and release of tension - all other thoughts are momentarily suspended and cannot affect you. This reduces anxiety and allows the brain to relax.

In sex, we often have a multitude of anxious thoughts running through our mind - "Does my partner think I'm attractive?", "Am I going to be able to get as excited as I need to?", "Is my partner going to be happy with me?" Such thoughts are the brain's attempt to control the experience and achieve success. The paradox, however, is that these attempts of controlling the experience increase our anxiety, which short-circuits our sexual arousal. For some people, this is experienced as difficulty attaining or maintaining an erection, or difficulty lubricating, or excess muscle tension not allowing for penetration. If you are able to quiet these thoughts, and instead focus your attention on the pleasurable physical sensations you are experiencing, or fantasies that excite you, then you allow yourself to continue to have heightened sexual arousal.

This is where concentrations exercises can be of benefit. By practicing exercises in concentration and focus daily, you can enhance your brain's ability to focus and quiet your anxious, racing thoughts. First, pick a time and place where you will not be disturbed for a few minutes. It should be relatively quiet or have noise that fades in the background. In front of the tv or with music on is not conducive to focusing your attention. Once you have a few minutes free, you can start off by taking a simple object, nothing too complex, and placing all of your attention on it. You can either hold it, or just watch it where it sits. Next, you will notice the color of it, and the texture. You can notice any shadows or changes in reflection. Pay attention to its shape and edges. Continue to focus on this object and breathe normally.

If you notice that your mind wants to wander to something else, just calmly bring it back to focusing on the object. At first, practice doing this for about 3 minutes at a time each day. Once you feel comfortable with that amount of time, increase it to 5 minutes at a time every day. Eventually, you can work up to 10 minutes at a time or more. By doing this, you are retraining your mind to focus and you are improving your ability to concentrate. With practice, your ability becomes stronger and it becomes easier for you to quiet your mind and focus on the present moment. With this ability, you can translate it into increased enjoyment and sexual satisfaction by placing more of your attention on what's actually happening in the moment, rather than have your brain occupied by past experiences or future worries. Not only does it heighten your sexual pleasure, but it also increases your connection with your partner, really opening the door to great sex.

How Anxiety Messes-Up Sex

In my practice, I have to say that upwards of 80% of the difficulties that people have with their sex lives and sexual functioning is rooted in anxiety. Most of the work I do is teaching people how to let go of their anxiety and just allow themselves to experience pleasure. From vaginismus, to premature ejaculation, to erectile dysfuntion in the absence of physical problems, to arousal difficulties in women - to name a few, all these are based in anxiety. The interesting thing about anxiety is that, although many people would admit that they have anxiety, many don't understand how it could interfere with their sexual arousal and performance. So I would like to take a couples of lines to speak about how anxiety interferes with sex.

Anxiety (or stress, nervousness, worry, or fear) is a natural part of life. Without a little anxiety, there would be little motivation to get things done or any sign to tell us that we are in danger. Anxiety is a way of alerting the body and mind that it should take some action. In order to understand just how anxiety works, it is important to explain the body's autonomic system. This is the part of the nervous system that is not under our voluntary control. It is divided into the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic nervous system is the one that is charged with our regenerative functions. It is the dominant system when we are digesting our food, sleeping, and maintaining our internal organs. It is opposed by the sympathetic nervous system, more commonly known as the "fight or flight response." When we are in danger and the sympathetic nervous system takes over, blood is diverted away from the internal organs and instead sent to the large voluntary muscles that allow us to take immediate physical action. It does this by constricting the blood vessels that supply our internal organs and raising our blood pressure. The heart beats faster to get the blood to the arms and legs, and the lungs breathe shallower and faster. These two parts of the autonomic nervous system directly oppose each other - the sympathetic system taking over quickly when danger (anxiety) is perceived. The difficulty is that our brain perceives our own anxious thoughts as signals of danger, and we respond physically with our sympathetic nervous system.

But what many people do not know is that sexual arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. It is important for the body and the mind to relax in order to have physical manifestations of sexual excitation. During arousal, blood flow to the pelvis and genitals increases when the blood vessels relax. This results in an erection for men and increased blood to the prostate, and in engorgement of the clitoris and other spongy tissue as well as lubrication in women.

With anxiety, these blood vessels constrict and sufficient blood cannot flow to the appropriate tissues. Different people are affected by anxiety at different levels. For some, a little is all it takes. It could be as simple and telling yourself "What if I don't get aroused?" Some wonder if their partner is attracted to them or if they will be pleased. Others try to will themselves to get aroused - which is counter to what the brain is trying to do.

The most important thing is to learn how to calm your own anxiety. Learning to soothe yourself and turn your negative thoughts into more positive and motivating thoughts is the way to achieve mastery over anxiety. Many people try to medicate their anxiety away or seek sexual enhancement agents to override their anxiety. This very often comes with side effects, or can result in a physical or psychological dependence. But learning how to decrease our anxiety takes effort, practice, and time. Unfortunately, our society seems to be moving more and more to instant gratification without taking responsibility or effort. But for those who would like to re-establish balance in their lives, be no longer ruled by anxiety, and not have to depend on medications for their sexual arousal and pleasure - I am there for you.

New G-spot Study - Deconstructed

Do you think that you have a G-spot? No? Oh well, I guess then it doesn't really exist!

If the above sounds like a big leap in logic to you, then you are not alone. There has been so much buzz lately about the new study put out recently by researchers at King's College London that I just had to check it out. After reading through their article in the recent edition of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, I was very disturbed by the liberties they took in their assumptions. Because of this, I wanted to deconstruct their study here for you and give you the real story.

First of all, this study was not based on anatomical study, physiological tests, or histological or biochemical examination. This study was a survey study, which means they only asked women questions. They focused on twins - identical (monozygotic - MZ) and fraternal (dizygotic - DZ) to see if they would give similar responses to the question "Do you believe you have a so called G-spot, a small area the size of a 20p coin on the front wall of your vagina that is sensitive to deep pressure?" Since they found that about half of the time, twins gave the same answer (either "yes" or "no") and about half of the time, twins gave different answers, they concluded that there was no genetic base for self-reporting having a G-spot. (So far, so good.)

But they took this way too far when they stated that: "This supports the argument that a self-reported G-spot -- the popular conception of the G-spot -- does not appear to exist." They go on to say: "Our main conclusion is that there is no genetic basis to the self-reported G-spot, suggesting that the G-spot is rather a perception caused by non-physiological factors that can cause a heightened sexual sensation." This means that they are suggesting that just because twins can't agree on their opinion of whether they have a G-spot or not, that if we think we have one, it must just be in our minds. They also self-proclaim their study to be a "substantial contribution to the current debate on the existence of the G-spot." I agree that it is contributing to debate, but not to scientific evidence.

I think it is incorrect and irresponsible to suggest that the G-spot is "a perception caused by non-physiological factors" when there were no physiological studies done. Their goal was not to actually see if the G-spot exists, but to see if women perceive themselves to have one. They then use twins, falsely concluding that if both individuals in a set of twins report the same perception, that it has a genetic basis. But awareness does not equal existence. Many people are not aware of their Ligament of Treitz, but this does not mean they don't have one. They cannot scientifically make the jump from a self-report study to physical and anatomical evidence. That is not how science works.

They also go on to make some very silly conclusions about G-spots and orgasms. They expect that "if there was a G-spot, then it is reasonable to expect that women reporting one would have a higher rate of orgasm through penetration." How is it that they came to this assumption? This would mean that simply having vaginal penetration would automatically stimulate the G-spot enough for women to have an orgasm each time. But are they not aware that certain positions and angles are more conducive to stimulation of the G-spot than others? Maybe these women are not having sex in those positions or at those angles? Maybe they just have more orgasms from clitoral stimulation? There's nothing wrong about these differences.

They also happened to notice that some women who reported not having a G-spot still had vaginal orgasms. Because of this, they state that this "provides legitimate grounds to further question its existence." They completely ignore the fact that women can have vaginal orgasms by stimulation of the cervix via the hypogastric and pelvic nerves. That doesn't mean they don't have a G-spot. They may just be having vaginal orgasms with deeper penetration instead of with G-spot stimulation. C'mon people! Be real! (real scientists, that is!)

The Times Online (UK) wrote "Andrea Burri, who led the research, said she was anxious to remove feelings of “inadequacy or underachievement” that might affect women who feared they lacked a G-spot. “It is rather irresponsible to claim the existence of an entity that has never really been proven and pressurise women — and men, too,” she said. " Was she approaching this with a bias? This quote suggests that she fashioned a study and presented her results to confirm her directive, rather than draw logical and appropriate conclusions from her data. Unfortunately (for her, but not for us), her study does not disprove the existence of the G-spot.

Although I believe that trying to reduce women's anxiety (and men's too) about sexual performance and adequacy is an important goal, making these sweeping assumptions without physical evidence is not the way to do it. Instead, I believe that the way to reduce people's anxiety about sex is proper sex education, access to information, open-mindedness, and acceptance of the great variety of experiences that exists. These will do much more to advance our knowledge and our experience of sex, which has come a long way - but still has far to go.

There are some reasonable statements in their paper, such as "...it might be that objective measurement of anatomical variability is the only valid way to assess the actual existence of a G-spot." and that "Future studies investigating the G-spot should focus on anatomical assessment methods...." So I stick by my statement that they should stop asking so many questions and actually stick their fingers into women's vaginas if they really want to look for a G-spot. Otherwise, don't bother me with your questions.

Create your own reality

Where did you learn about your sexuality? Was it from friends at school? Was it from books in the library? Was it from porn magazine or movies? Was it from your parents or other family members? And what things in your life went on to shape your idea of sex and sexuality? Did you have partners that were patient, fun, and encouraging? Or were your partners critical, selfish and close-minded? All of these things contribute to how we think and feel about sex as well as how much we allow ourselves to enjoy and discover our sexuality.

Most importantly, all of these factors contribute to our expectations of sex - what we allow for ourselves versus what we exclude for ourselves (whether we do it knowingly or unknowingly). In fact, our expectations of ourselves have been found to be one of the most, if not the most, important determining factors in our response to sexual situations or stimulation. What this means is that we end up creating our own reality for ourselves. What we think is true will be true. And what we think is negative will be negative. It's what many people commonly refer to as a 'self-fulfilling prophecy.' If we believe that we have pleasure and excitement, then we have it. If we already believe that we do not enjoy a particular situation, then it becomes a negative experience for us.

The question then becomes - how can we have positive expectations about ourselves, our sexuality, our bodies, and our experiences? Many of us want to improve our sex life and our experiences and are seemingly open to this. But the sticking point here is that wanting it alone does not produce the results we are looking for. It goes much deeper than that. We may want something very badly for ourselves, but at the same time believe that we cannot have it. This happens because our beliefs about ourselves - what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, and what is good and what is dirty or bad - lies deep in our unconscious mind. Because of this, deep exploration often causes us anxiety or blocking of our true thoughts and feelings. A combination of mindfulness meditation and trial and error with a partner we trust is an excellent way to start unlocking those parts of ourselves. But this takes practice, relaxation, and taking a risk. To become more open to the entirety of our sexuality requires being able to tolerate the uncertainty of what we might find within our own minds. Too many times, this uncertainty causes us to leave the door to the vault of our unconscious mind tightly sealed. The first step is to believe that we do have this capacity inside of us already, and know that all aspects of ourselves contribute to the reality we create for ourselves. In what ways do you create your own reality?

If you keep touching it, it's going to fall off!

I do the work that I do because I believe that people have too much fear and anxiety that prevents them from having more happiness and success in their lives. I specifically chose the area of sex and sexuality after finding that many of my colleagues were uncomfortable talking with their patients about sex or sexual issues. This made little sense to me since, as psychiatrists, we help patients explore the deepest issues of the unconscious mind, and one's sexuality should be no exception.

My goal for patients, and society in general, is that we will be able to talk to each other about sex and sexuality without anxiety and fear. Because it not only affects us in our sex life, but this anxiety and fear is also passed down to our children in how they learn about sex and their own sexuality.

Such was the case with someone who was telling me that he and his wife were not really sure what to do about their 2 year old son. It seems that he was masturbating himself often, many times in public when out with his mom. This gentleman then told me (with a laugh) that they starting telling their son that if he kept touching it, it was going to fall off. It was clear that the reason why they chose to tell this to their son was because they themselves were quite anxious about talking to him regarding anything sexual, which came from their own anxiety with sex. I mentioned carefully that this was not a very healthy way to speak to his son about his behavior and could cause difficulties later with anxiety and shame related to sex. First of all, he is at that age where he still believes that everything his parents tell him is true. Now he has to worry that if he gives himself a little pleasure, he is going to unwillingly mutilate himself. Instead, the suggestion was made that his son be told that it is perfectly normal, but reminded that his behavior should be limited to those times when he is in private in his room, and that it is not appropriate when he is around other people, including Mommy and Daddy.

The real problem here is with the parents' anxiety related to sex and sexual issues. When we are anxious or uncomfortable thinking and talking about sex, we unintentionally communicate this to our children. This is the reason why I encourage couples to start having more open communication with each other about sex - in order to increase their comfort level and decrease their anxiety. That should be a goal for all couples in general, but certainly before starting to have children. Because children (even infants and toddlers) can sense what we are feeling, even when we try to hide it from them. And they can sense when we are anxious about something. They learn to feel this way too, which could translate into them thinking that they are "bad" or "dirty" or should feel shame. None of these things are healthy when it comes to talking to them about their bodies or their age-appropriate sexual behavior. What they do need is some truthful, calm limit setting and answers (appropriate to their age) to any questions they may have.

One lengthy, but very informative post on this topic can be found at: http://randombabble.com/2009/09/02/talking-to-kids-about-sex/ . It speaks to the importance of giving clear and truthful information to your children (at any age) which is best achieved when we are comfortable with our own sexuality and the topic of sex in general. Decreasing our anxiety and fear will allow us to increase our knowledge, our comfort level, and eventually our happiness and satisfaction based on the decisions we will make.