Simultaneous Orgasms

In some people's vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it's an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one's sexual activities coming to it's logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It's true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some "marriage manuals" actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.

Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.

If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.

At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn't be.

Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away - time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner's body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner's orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse - not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.

What Makes for Great Sex?

People always seem to be in search of "great sex." Magazine and blogs are filled with articles about the few simple things that you can do that make it happen for you. And the way they promote these 'sex tips' are as if there is some secret information that can be imparted and you will magically start having "great sex." The problem is that the idea of "great sex" is subjective and changes from person to person. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in 2009 explains just how "great sex" is less dependent on actual physical functioning and more about your ability to let go and enjoy the moment.

Of course, the predominant messages repeated about what we need to have "great sex" focus on making us feel insecure and lacking. Pharmaceutical companies only gain to benefit if you believe that their pill can make your experience more pleasurable for you and your partner. And media can continue to sell you their '7 things you must know' articles just in case you weren't in the know.

But the study, entitled "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"," presents different ideas for us to consider. The elements of what makes "great sex," according to their participants, is not what the pharmaceutical companies and the makers of male-enhancement formulas would like you to believe. Instead, they came up with 8 major components of one's sex life that are crucial to the experience of "great sex." These are experienced by way of letting go, being true to oneself, and taking risks. The 8 components are:

1. Being present, focused and embodied. This refers to having a calm mind that is not constantly analyzing what is going on, but instead, just experiencing every moment to the fullest of your ability. "You are the situation."

2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch. Described in different ways, this refers to the feeling of being one with your partner - where you literally feel that there is no difference between your bodies. Some have described this as feeling "with" the other person.

3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. This includes a deep caring for the other person, trust, genuine acceptance and admiration and deep mutual respect. This is opening up and knowing that you will be taken care of and accepted.

4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. This requires partners to be able to really listen to what the other is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. It becomes an automatic attention to detail where touch is an erotic form of communication and there is an understanding and appreciation of the other person's experience.

5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. This is what it means to be your true self, as opposed to who you think other people expect you to be. It allows you to give yourself up to your pleasure without censoring yourself.

6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. In this component, you are transported as if you have hypnotized yourself, so that everything else melts away - time, your surroundings, noises - so that all you experience is your pleasure and your partner.

7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. When you allow yourself to have fun and truly explore who you are sexually, your experience of sex takes on a new level that is not dependent on the physical.

8. Vulnerability and surrender. When you are able to give yourself up to your partner, there is no hesitation. One feels completely free, and what may have previously been scary is now extremely erotic.

There are many people who are enjoying these components of "great sex" but do not match with the media and pharmaceutical companies' very physically based idea of rock-hard erections or instant lubrication. Our ability to experience intense sexual pleasure as human beings relies on things above and beyond the animal world - our ability to experience a moment, a connection, a sharing, an understanding, and fun.

The Risk of Intimacy

I am here today to voice my opinion that in the last few decades, there has been a devolution of the word 'intimacy' to come to represent a form of coercion. Intimacy refers to a degree of closeness - as related to those family or friends who knew us well. It also refers to sexual relations between partners, as this is considered to be of the closest of personal interactions. But in the last 30 years or so, the field of psychology has taken this word and run with it - placing great importance in intimacy as being a mutual goal of couples. This has created an atmosphere of almost demanding that innermost thoughts and ideas be shared with one's partner, and vice versa, in an almost tit-for-tat fashion. It was touted as "mature" and "honest" to expose yourself on command if your partner asked it of you. But on closer examination, what this really encourages is manipulation, insecurity, and dependency between partners rather than enlightenment and trust. To demand that someone share their deepest and most personal thoughts and ideas with you because you are sharing yours with them is coercion and emotional intimidation. I think that society should be disabused of this implication that intimacy demands reciprocity.

'Intimacy' comes from the Latin word 'intimus' or 'intima', meaning "innermost or most secret." It refers to a degree of closeness, either emotional or physical. True intimacy comes from a person's desire to share themselves with someone in order to be known by that person. True intimacy, like love, is a gift that is given at great risk and without a guarantee that it will be well-received, or that the other person will do likewise. To be truly intimate, you are opening up a part of yourself to be known and explored. It is only a gift if it is given freely and not demanded. Otherwise, it is simply mitigation to a partner's request or plea. If it is not given freely, the situation breeds resentment because it is "taken" from you instead of "given" from you. This is not to say that a partner may choose to reciprocate and also be intimate with you in return. But again, the essential element here is choice.

The other point I want to make about intimacy is that it is not always helpful or desirable to share everything with your partner. Some of you may reel back at this suggestion, but I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. There are just some things that are neither helpful nor productive to know about our partners. This does not mean that we should not explore their true nature. But in the grand scheme of life, there are many details that would not enhance our relationship one iota and are better left unexplored. We should have trust in our partners that if they believe a detail of their life, or their thoughts or fantasies are important to the relationship with us, then they will eventually choose to share it with us. To take their lack of disclosure (because we implicitly or explicitly demand it) as evidence that they do not love us or trust us is more a reflection of our own insecurities than their level of closeness to us. One does not necessarily imply the other. Women are especially guilty of this offense because of our reliance on verbal communication. You can ask for intimacy, but you cannot demand it. A healthy and honest relationship develops because of a mutual desire to share with each other and grow closer together, but always as two distinct and separate people. The paradox of intimacy is that if you demand it, you will not get it, because of its very nature. So if you choose to give of yourself, do it without expectation of anything in return. This is the risk of intimacy.

Blogging is to Sex as . . .

I've often been accused of interpreting everything in a sexual way. So I was tickled when I was reflecting on the starting of this blog, the blogging process itself and one's relationship with blogging - and immediately drew parallels to a sexual relationship. I thought I would share these thoughts with you as they are often topics of discussion with couples that come in with questions about what is normal or to be expected of one's sex life over time.

In the beginning, the idea of starting a blog is exciting and promising. It's a time for high energy, high expectations and a flood of ideas. Anything could happen! The same is true for starting off a new sexual relationship. I think this needs no explanation. Then little things happen that are irritating and threaten your idealistic view of the whole thing: no one can find it to read it, and the search function doesn't seem to work. But those are minor things, it feels good, and you believe that you can commit to it.

And each time you post, it's like having sex. Sometimes the feeling just hits you and you just want to write - no matter what you're doing. And sometimes, you can think of 24 different things you want to do and wish you could blog 3-4x a day, but of course, you can't do everything at once. And sometimes, what you thought would be a great idea turns out to be just ok, while something that you weren't really excited about in the beginning turns out to be much more than you expected. You will get the most pleasure out of it and the least amount of frustration if you just go with it.

Then there are periods when time just passes by and you really don't feel like doing anything at all. Nothing coming comes to your mind, or you're just too busy with other things. Life happens and you're too busy living it. But it's normal to have periods of more activity and periods of less activity. It's not always that we have the energy to keep up the same pace or intensity in anything. And it's important that we don't beat ourselves up about it or become insecure about the relationship just because we may not be not be at the same intensity as other times. We should establish our own comfort level with our partner and not try to compare ourselves to other stories we've heard about this one or that one.

Of course, depending how much of yourself you really put into it - how much you open up to it, will determine how much it is a reflection of your true self. Your essence comes through in the way you express yourself, your allowing intimacy in the process. This invites you to grow as a person and become a better blogger (lover). And finally, in order to keep things interesting, you have to have some variation as well as something that you know the other person will get excited about. Changing it up and trying something new to keep you and the other person smiling.