Want to Change Your Partner? - Change yourself.

How many times have I seen it day in and day out - a couple is not happy about the way things are progressing (or not progressing) in their relationship. They have theories, a list of faults the other partner has committed, a wish-list of things that partner doesn't do that would easily (ideally) solve their problems. Already before coming to see me, they are pointing their finger at their partner's shortcomings with dissatisfaction. Problem is, you cannot change anyone. Period. People that try to force their partners to change often find that it only increases anger, insecurity, and resentment.

But that doesn't mean that our partners can't change, or won't change. Everyone has the option to change something about their behavior, their thoughts, their life. The trick is they will only change if they want to, or if it suits them to do so. The secret to change in your partner, however, is less about focusing on them, and more about focusing on yourself.

When we are in a relationship, we tend to create patterns of behaviors that define how we interact with each other. Our relationship has its own equilibrium that is made up of how we each behave and how we respond to our partner's behavior. The longer the relationship goes on, the more entrenched these patterns become. But the patterns can always change - and that change depends on us. Here's why:

Einstein said that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. Such is the case with the way we interact with our partners. By focusing on our own thoughts, actions, and words, we can change the equilibrium of our relationship, even if only just a little. If we act differently, then our partner will have to respond to this change. So by creating a different set of variables in yourself, you set the stage for a different response in your partner.

For example, if your partner is watching television instead of following you into the bedroom, you might try starting to pleasure yourself without them ("I'm just going to go touch myself a little.") and see if they don't say "Hey wait for me." Or if you wish that your partner would initiate sex more often, instead of waiting around for it, start talking to them about your latest fantasy.

Now, this does not guarantee that your partner will change the way you would like them to, or even change at all. How you respond, however, is up to you. Some people keep trying different things, some people give up trying. Some even decide to end their relationship, depending on the nature of the issue in question. Change involves risk, and that means that the change may not always be in the direction you were hoping for. It is this risk of the unknown that keeps so many people from trying something new. But regardless of your partner, you always have control of yourself. Some of you may ask "Why should I have to change?" and my answer is, it's not about should or shouldn't. And you don't have to change. But then don't expect anything else to change either.

What Makes for Great Sex?

People always seem to be in search of "great sex." Magazine and blogs are filled with articles about the few simple things that you can do that make it happen for you. And the way they promote these 'sex tips' are as if there is some secret information that can be imparted and you will magically start having "great sex." The problem is that the idea of "great sex" is subjective and changes from person to person. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in 2009 explains just how "great sex" is less dependent on actual physical functioning and more about your ability to let go and enjoy the moment.

Of course, the predominant messages repeated about what we need to have "great sex" focus on making us feel insecure and lacking. Pharmaceutical companies only gain to benefit if you believe that their pill can make your experience more pleasurable for you and your partner. And media can continue to sell you their '7 things you must know' articles just in case you weren't in the know.

But the study, entitled "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"," presents different ideas for us to consider. The elements of what makes "great sex," according to their participants, is not what the pharmaceutical companies and the makers of male-enhancement formulas would like you to believe. Instead, they came up with 8 major components of one's sex life that are crucial to the experience of "great sex." These are experienced by way of letting go, being true to oneself, and taking risks. The 8 components are:

1. Being present, focused and embodied. This refers to having a calm mind that is not constantly analyzing what is going on, but instead, just experiencing every moment to the fullest of your ability. "You are the situation."

2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch. Described in different ways, this refers to the feeling of being one with your partner - where you literally feel that there is no difference between your bodies. Some have described this as feeling "with" the other person.

3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. This includes a deep caring for the other person, trust, genuine acceptance and admiration and deep mutual respect. This is opening up and knowing that you will be taken care of and accepted.

4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. This requires partners to be able to really listen to what the other is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. It becomes an automatic attention to detail where touch is an erotic form of communication and there is an understanding and appreciation of the other person's experience.

5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. This is what it means to be your true self, as opposed to who you think other people expect you to be. It allows you to give yourself up to your pleasure without censoring yourself.

6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. In this component, you are transported as if you have hypnotized yourself, so that everything else melts away - time, your surroundings, noises - so that all you experience is your pleasure and your partner.

7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. When you allow yourself to have fun and truly explore who you are sexually, your experience of sex takes on a new level that is not dependent on the physical.

8. Vulnerability and surrender. When you are able to give yourself up to your partner, there is no hesitation. One feels completely free, and what may have previously been scary is now extremely erotic.

There are many people who are enjoying these components of "great sex" but do not match with the media and pharmaceutical companies' very physically based idea of rock-hard erections or instant lubrication. Our ability to experience intense sexual pleasure as human beings relies on things above and beyond the animal world - our ability to experience a moment, a connection, a sharing, an understanding, and fun.

Blogging is to Sex as . . .

I've often been accused of interpreting everything in a sexual way. So I was tickled when I was reflecting on the starting of this blog, the blogging process itself and one's relationship with blogging - and immediately drew parallels to a sexual relationship. I thought I would share these thoughts with you as they are often topics of discussion with couples that come in with questions about what is normal or to be expected of one's sex life over time.

In the beginning, the idea of starting a blog is exciting and promising. It's a time for high energy, high expectations and a flood of ideas. Anything could happen! The same is true for starting off a new sexual relationship. I think this needs no explanation. Then little things happen that are irritating and threaten your idealistic view of the whole thing: no one can find it to read it, and the search function doesn't seem to work. But those are minor things, it feels good, and you believe that you can commit to it.

And each time you post, it's like having sex. Sometimes the feeling just hits you and you just want to write - no matter what you're doing. And sometimes, you can think of 24 different things you want to do and wish you could blog 3-4x a day, but of course, you can't do everything at once. And sometimes, what you thought would be a great idea turns out to be just ok, while something that you weren't really excited about in the beginning turns out to be much more than you expected. You will get the most pleasure out of it and the least amount of frustration if you just go with it.

Then there are periods when time just passes by and you really don't feel like doing anything at all. Nothing coming comes to your mind, or you're just too busy with other things. Life happens and you're too busy living it. But it's normal to have periods of more activity and periods of less activity. It's not always that we have the energy to keep up the same pace or intensity in anything. And it's important that we don't beat ourselves up about it or become insecure about the relationship just because we may not be not be at the same intensity as other times. We should establish our own comfort level with our partner and not try to compare ourselves to other stories we've heard about this one or that one.

Of course, depending how much of yourself you really put into it - how much you open up to it, will determine how much it is a reflection of your true self. Your essence comes through in the way you express yourself, your allowing intimacy in the process. This invites you to grow as a person and become a better blogger (lover). And finally, in order to keep things interesting, you have to have some variation as well as something that you know the other person will get excited about. Changing it up and trying something new to keep you and the other person smiling.