Learning to Masturbate

The nature of things is that life isn't fair, and different circumstances of life can either be a benefit or a difficulty for us. When considering masturbation, whether your family is more anxious, or more religious, or whether you have your own room or not, or even being born a girl rather than a boy, contributes to if, when, and how you may learn to masturbate.

The reality is that men tend to have nature on their side because they have much more occasion to touch their genitals than girls. When they go to the bathroom, they touch themselves. When they get an erection and have to adjust their clothing, they touch themselves. Even just finding a comfortable position to sit or lay down, they may need to touch themselves. This brings many more opportunities for a boy to discover the pleasurable sensations he can experience from rubbing or stroking himself. Oftentimes, infants or toddlers discover this early on and engage in some form of masturbation without any instruction or direction from the outside world. We know that it is a natural activity and should not be viewed in a negative way.

For adolescent boys and men, one of the difficulties related to learning about masturbating is time and location. Many times, a man does not have the privacy that he wishes to explore his fantasies or his physical sensations, and instead rushes himself to finish the job before he is discovered or interrupted. Because of this, sometimes men teach themselves to masturbate in an anxious way that can translate to anxiety around orgasm and ejaculation in later sexual relationships. When masturbating, it is beneficial for a man to have times in which he allows himself the opportunity to explore different sensations, different intensities, different speeds, and also focus on how it feels physically in addition to focusing on his fantasy material.

With women, it is a little trickier. Women do not usually touch their genitals throughout the day except when involved in personal hygiene - and that doesn't usually bring any sexy thoughts to mind. Some girls find that certain objects or ways of sitting can produce pleasant sensations, and some even explore with their hands and fingers. Regardless, these are also a natural part of growth and development and are best approached as such.

For adolescent girls and women learning to masturbate, patience and curiosity are the keys. Nothing interferes more with sexual arousal and pleasure than performance anxiety. There is so much variation in what can bring a woman pleasure - from different materials, to different positioning of fingers or toys, to different speed and intensity. In some instances, it is a matter of time. When learning how to masturbate, it is not uncommon for a woman to be touching herself for 20 minutes or more before reaching a point where she finds an orgasm. But with women, orgasm does not have to be the goal, and many women enjoy the pleasure of masturbating for long periods without reaching orgasm. The curiosity about one's own body, the sensual nature of stimulation, and the eroticism of the exploration are the most important points. You will increase your pleasure if you allow yourself to explore your fantasies as well as your entire body, because your mind and your body work together for sexual satisfaction and pleasure.

Simultaneous Orgasms

In some people's vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it's an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one's sexual activities coming to it's logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It's true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some "marriage manuals" actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.

Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.

If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.

At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn't be.

Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away - time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner's body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner's orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse - not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.

Shape Up for Sex, Part Two

In my attempts to get everyone up off their couch and exercising to improve their sex life, here is part two of of "Shape Up for Sex." Part One describes two easy stretches and exercises vital for maintaining flexibility important for your sex life. A much earlier post, "Do you have 2 minutes for Sex?" gives a basic rag-doll stretch that helps relieve muscle tightness from your ankles up to the back of your neck. Check both of these out if you haven't already. Here, we have two more stretches and two more exercises to incorporate into your day. They are simple, don't require any special equipment, and definitely contribute to increased strength and stamina in your sex life.

The first stretch is a stretch of the quadratus lumborum muscle of the lower back. Many people experience tightness in this muscle, but don't know of an effective way of relieving this tension. I find this method to be the most simple, straightforward, and safest way to stretch this muscle. You begin by standing straight up and crossing your right foot in front of your left foot. You may choose to position yourself next to the arm of the couch if you need to hang on to something. Next, you bend your body slowly to the left side until you feel the stretch in your right lower back. Make sure that you are bending straight to the side and not bending your body forward. Next, hold this position for between 30-60 seconds. Remember that in order to have an effective stretch, you need to hold it more than 30 seconds with no bouncing. Then switch legs and stretch to the other side.

The next stretch is the child's pose from yoga. This is another wonderful stretch for both the lower back, as well as the upper back and shoulders. You start by kneeling and sitting back onto your feet. Then you bend your body forward with your arms stretched out in front of you. As you exhale, lower your head until your forward touches the floor. Then relax into this stretch and hold this position for one minute.

And now for the exercises. We will start with push ups. These build strength that not only help men stabilize themselves in positions when they are on top, but also can be helpful for women especially when trying positions such as being on all fours, or seated on top of her partner and using her arms to hold the back of a chair or couch. The goal is to be able to do 3 sets of 10 push ups. If you cannot do 10 consecutively, do as many as you can and work your way up over time. If you are not strong enough to do one full push up, which is the case for many women, you can place your knees on the floor and push up from there instead of your toes. The most important thing about push ups is to keep your body straight (as in the plank position) and not lift up your hips.

The last exercise today concentrates on your thighs. At first, it seems quite simple. But after several repetitions, you will feel the work out in your muscles. Start by squatting on the floor with your feet about shoulder width apart and the palms of your hands flat on the floor. From this position, you will push your palms into the floor as you straighten your legs. The motion ends when you have straightened your legs as much as you can while still keeping your hands flat on the floor. Your goal for this exercise is to do 3 sets of 30 repetitions. Like the push ups, if you cannot do a full 30 repetitions, do as many as you can and work your way up to 30 over time.

For those who already have a regular workout routine, adding these simple stretches and exercises add to your strength and flexibility for a variety of sex positions. For those who do not have a regular workout routine, these are simple movements that take only a few minutes a day and will maintain your sexual fitness. So use these and put yourself in optimal shape for good sex.

The Benefits of Orgasm

Modern medicine still does not understand exactly the hows and whys of orgasm. But we do know that for humans, our psychological state is the major determining factor as to whether we can have an orgasm, or have difficulty acheiving one. We are, however, starting to understand more about what happens in the brain as a result of orgasm. But there is so much more to be studied and explored.

First, we know that at orgasm, both men and women release an increased amount of oxytocin. We know that oxytocin promotes feelings of comfort, closeness, relaxation, and feeling tingly all over. In women, it also causes contractions of the uterus, and may contribute to stronger orgasms. Along with this is the release of prolactin, another hormone that helps us feel satisfied and calm. There are studies demonstrating that at the point of orgasm, there is a protection against feeling pain without decreasing other sensations. Some people find that it helps relieve migraines, and others find it useful for body pain. Even though the effects of pain relief are immediate and last only a few minutes, those people regularly having orgasms experience lower levels of pain overall because of the increase in the body's natural opiods. We know that people having several orgasms per week have less chance for heart disease and stroke. I would also venture to guess that they smile more often.

Perhaps the most enjoyable benefit of orgasm is the feeling of being alive and charged sexually. When you orgasm, you feel powerful. It increases your blood flow throughout your body, but most importantly, to your genitals for increased support of those tissues and muscles. This is the best way to keep these tissues healthy, because blood flow promotes more blood flow in a positive feedback cycle. It's the flip side of 'use it or lose it.'

Even if you don't have a partner, bringing yourself to orgasm helps you gain some of these benefits. Although not all will admit it, most men will continue to actively masturbate even if they don't have a partner. I am still suprised, however, that there are several women who do not 'take matters into their own hands' when they find themselves without a partner. For some it is guilt, for some it seems inappropriate, for some it brings many negative automatic thoughts as to why they do not have a partner. Regardless, all of these cause a women to relinquish control of her sexuality and abandon an activity that her body thrives on.

I propose that we all masturbate frequently and happily. Just imagine if everyone woke up just a few minutes earlier and was able to have a little orgasm before leaving for work? I wonder if we would have a lot less road rage?

Exercising Your Concentration for a Better Sex Life

Most people have heard about the use of meditation for relaxation. We first learn to focus on our breath, which grounds us in the present and helps quiet our mind of all other thoughts for the moment. It is a wonderful practice that becomes easier to do with repetition and time. By concentrating on your breath - the way it feels to draw the breath in, the fullness of holding it for that split second, then the feeling of the exhalation and release of tension - all other thoughts are momentarily suspended and cannot affect you. This reduces anxiety and allows the brain to relax.

In sex, we often have a multitude of anxious thoughts running through our mind - "Does my partner think I'm attractive?", "Am I going to be able to get as excited as I need to?", "Is my partner going to be happy with me?" Such thoughts are the brain's attempt to control the experience and achieve success. The paradox, however, is that these attempts of controlling the experience increase our anxiety, which short-circuits our sexual arousal. For some people, this is experienced as difficulty attaining or maintaining an erection, or difficulty lubricating, or excess muscle tension not allowing for penetration. If you are able to quiet these thoughts, and instead focus your attention on the pleasurable physical sensations you are experiencing, or fantasies that excite you, then you allow yourself to continue to have heightened sexual arousal.

This is where concentrations exercises can be of benefit. By practicing exercises in concentration and focus daily, you can enhance your brain's ability to focus and quiet your anxious, racing thoughts. First, pick a time and place where you will not be disturbed for a few minutes. It should be relatively quiet or have noise that fades in the background. In front of the tv or with music on is not conducive to focusing your attention. Once you have a few minutes free, you can start off by taking a simple object, nothing too complex, and placing all of your attention on it. You can either hold it, or just watch it where it sits. Next, you will notice the color of it, and the texture. You can notice any shadows or changes in reflection. Pay attention to its shape and edges. Continue to focus on this object and breathe normally.

If you notice that your mind wants to wander to something else, just calmly bring it back to focusing on the object. At first, practice doing this for about 3 minutes at a time each day. Once you feel comfortable with that amount of time, increase it to 5 minutes at a time every day. Eventually, you can work up to 10 minutes at a time or more. By doing this, you are retraining your mind to focus and you are improving your ability to concentrate. With practice, your ability becomes stronger and it becomes easier for you to quiet your mind and focus on the present moment. With this ability, you can translate it into increased enjoyment and sexual satisfaction by placing more of your attention on what's actually happening in the moment, rather than have your brain occupied by past experiences or future worries. Not only does it heighten your sexual pleasure, but it also increases your connection with your partner, really opening the door to great sex.