Masturbation Does Not Equal Failure

In speaking to people about masturbation, one of my favorite activities topics, I find that many people equate masturbation with failure. They interpret the action of masturbating as a reminder that they do not have a partner, or are not getting satisfied with their partner. Consider, as well, the way that we are taught about masturbation - that it is unnatural, against nature, and a sin - usually by way of religious education. Our public opinion is so averse to masturbation that our government would fire a Surgeon General for not suggesting, but just agreeing with the idea that teaching masturbation to teenagers might reduce the incidence of risky sexual behavior. This, of course, was from President Clinton - who might have done better to engage in a little masturbation, in private, rather than oral sex and outer sex with a woman other than his wife. A little masturbation could have saved taxpayers the $6 or $7 million dollars that were spent investigating him.

By viewing masturbation as a failure, we are refusing to take responsibility of our own sexuality and our own sexual pleasure. The rejection of masturbation as an acceptable activity assumes that we depend on others for sexual satisfaction. By doing this, we imprison ourselves and give away the key. This means that not only does happiness in our sex life rely on having a partner, but also requires that our partner be ready, willing, and able whenever we want. For those of us living in the real world, we know that this is not always the case. In fact, for the majority of women, sexual intercourse alone does not provide enough excitement or stimulation to acheive orgasm. But with lessons learned from masturbating, women can explore with their partner different ways to provide the needed stimulation by teaching their partner to stimulate them, or by stimulating themselves manually during intercourse.

Masturbation can also be a very erotic activity to engage in with your partner. Many couples enjoy watching each other get off, while others like to get their partners off. It can be part of the beginning, middle, or end of an evening of sexual activity. Remember, there is no set format for sex unless you limit yourself to one. The only failure I see here is if a person fails to allow themselves maximal pleasure and variety in their sexual activities.

Some would argue that masturbation is not natural and is an abomination. This is to ignore the fact that masturbation is an activity that we teach ourselves and is found to occur even before birth in the womb. The extreme negative view is more indicative of other people's insecurities and neuroses rather than the reality of the natural process of masturbation. And especially for women, who have the clitoris which serves no other function than to give pleasure, it is clear that we were built for more than just reproduction.

Perhaps the biggest misconception is that we should not engage in masturbation if we do not have a partner, but instead just let our natural sexual desires shrivel away over time. Some view masturbation so negatively that they would rather completely ignore the entirety of their sexuality than to engage in masturbation. Again, here is the reverberation of the idea that in order to be sexual, you must have a partner. In my opinion, this is to sell yourself short. By doing so, you ignore all of the physical and psychological benefits of having regular sexual arousal and satisfaction. Instead of viewing masturbation as failure, I see it as a proactive, healthy affirmation and reinforcement of our sexual self. It supports healthy physiology for our brains as well as our bodies.

The Breasts as a Pathway to Pleasure

Breasts are amazing creatures with complete lives of their own. They come in all different sizes, shapes, and sensitivities. Some point straight ahead, others seem to veer out to the sides. Some need a little support, and others seem to defy gravity (and I'm not talking about implants). Some have small and tight areolas, while others have large areolas that cover almost one third of the area of the breast. Some women's nipples are very prominent always, and some only when stimulated or sucked. Some women even have inverted nipples that resemble little dimples which may or may not pop out when stimulated. Breasts function, of course, to provide milk for newborns and infants. But for women, they do so much more. They are the source of great frustration if they develop late, and the source of great envy if they develop early. Some women are shy about their breasts and develop hunched-over shoulders to hide them, while others feel their breasts are powerful and hold them high. I even have a friend who refers to hers as "breasticles." Women feel so differently about their breasts, and even their own feelings about their breasts change throughout their life.

What I am here to discuss today is the way that breasts enhance our sexual pleasure. It's obvious that if you are someone attracted to breasts (man or woman), looking at breasts can be arousing - especially if they are bouncing, or have goosebumps, or are wet coming out of the shower....you get the picture. The fact is that stimulation of the breasts is wonderful way to increase your arousal, and possibly the intensity of your orgasms. Sensitivity can vary quite a bit from woman to woman, with smaller breasts on average being more sensitive than larger breasts. Also, when there is breast surgery, sensitivity can be impaired - either reduced or almost eliminated completely. This usually depends on whether the surgery allows for preservation of the fourth intercostal nerve which is responsible for the nipple-areola area. Surgery aside, breast sensitivity in pre-menopausal women varies with their menstrual cycle, with the time between ovulation and the start of flow being the most sensitive period. Some women even find their breasts too sensitive to touch in the days just before starting their period.

Many people are aware that when women are breastfeeding, they experience contraction of their uterus that can vary in intensity from pleasurable to painful. The body achieves this through the hormone oxytocin, which is released when the breasts and nipples are stimulated. This can alarm some women who find themselves feeling sexually aroused while nursing, but it is a natural phenomenon that is not dependent on erotic thought. This release of oxytocin with breast and nipple stimulation happens in women that are not nursing as well. Oxytocin release is also responsible for the nipple becoming erect with excitement and stimulation, caused by contraction of smooth muscle underneath the skin of the areola which pulls on the overlying skin creating a goosebump-like effect. As the breasts continue to receive stimulation, oxytocin continues to be released into the bloodstream, which has it's most intense effects within the first 5 minutes after release, but can continue to increase contractions for up to an hour. But as breast stimulation continues, so does release of oxytocin. What this translates into is more intense uterine orgasms as well as the feeling of having your whole body involved in your orgasm. Also, about 1% of women can experience an orgasm just from having their breasts and nipples stimulated, which is called the oxytocin pathway to orgasm. Oxytocin is also responsible for that tingly feeling after sexual arousal and/or orgasm, as well as a sense of sexual satisfaction.

Usually stimulation is most intense when started off slow with gentle pressure, building up as the excitement level increases. Breasts can increase about 25-30% when a woman becomes sexually aroused, and as the stimulation continues, more intense pressure, sucking, pinching, nibbling, etc. can be tolerated. The increased blood flow to the breasts during stimulation also accounts for the pleasure of movement with the motion of intercourse. So we see how the breasts are a pathway to pleasure to be savored and experimented with, providing women with stronger orgasms, and wonderful feelings of whole-body involvement in their sexual experience.

Questioning Valentine's Day

I feel compelled to comment on Valentine's Day, but I find myself having great difficulty writing about it. I do not object to the acknowledgment of our loved ones and reminding them of how special they are to us. But I find that for many people, it has become the source of rigid expectations, judgment, and anxiety. And to this, I do object.

For those wanting some background history, Valentine's Day started off as a pagan Roman festival designed to bring about purification, health, and fertility. Lupercalia (as it was called) involved animal sacrifices and some slapping of women with blood-stained strips of goat hide in a belief that this increased their fecundity (Freud would have a field day!). Likewise, there was sprinkling of this sacrificial blood on the crop fields in the belief that this would yield a larger harvest. There was also an interesting lottery that would take place which paired off the eligible singles as sexual partners for the next year, hoping this would end in marriage. When the Catholic church came around, it saw fit to change this festival to a more tame one. And so they convinced the converts that it was to be a remembrance of Saint Valentine, a martyr who displayed the ideal of agape (Christian love). Human beings, having the sexual nature that they do, brought this back to a celebration of romantic love and pursuit of a lover or partner.

Capitalism has done a wonderful job of promoting the "gifts" standard such that Valentine's Day generates about $15 billion dollars in US retail sales. It ranks first for fresh flower sales, second for the sale of greeting cards, and third for chocolate sales. And along with this, many people feel obligated to participate by both judging others and being judged based on complying with these "standards." If you find yourself thinking that a Valentine's Day gift means that a person loves you, or the opposite - if you do not receive a gift, it means they don't really love you - then you are participating in this harsh capitalist game. In fact, I believe that the obligation some feel to give gifts, or go out for dinner, etc., actually takes away from the significance of any such gift. I prefer my partner surprise me on a random day to tell me (truthfully and without coercion) that he loves me, rather than have him do it because he is being told that he should. Likewise, in the matter of sex, there is unduly pressure for couples to "make love" and have it go exactly as planned. But for many couples, this creates more anxiety than amorous desire. Although I believe that everyone should be having a satisfying and active sex life, it should be the result of readiness in the relationship, and not from an artificial and arbitrary expectation.

So do you find yourself suffering from considerable anxiety to "perform", "put out", "deliver", or "come through" just because it's Valentine's Day? Are you spending more money than you can realistically afford? How do you define yourself and your relationship with your partner? Do you find yourself concerned more with having all the details of the day exactly follow a predetermined plan such that you risk upsetting your partner? I think it would be more genuine and create a lot less anxiety if we went back to the time of cutting out hearts on red construction paper and writing a small note inside. A small, personal gesture is often more intimate and more genuine than something more extravagant and commercial.

Kissing as an Event

Was kissing ever an event for you? Or was it always a means to an end - something to be pushed along faster and faster to escalate to sex? The challenge now is to slow ourselves down with the goal of rediscovering the magic of kissing. This help us take the focus off of intercourse and reconnect with the excitement of gentle touching. Here is a wonderful example of kissing for the sake of kissing:

"I remember when I was about 12 or 13 years old, there was a boy in the neighborhood my same age who took a liking to me - and I to him. We would meet in the afternoons after school and spend hours talking and exploring. What I remember the most were the hours that we would spend kissing slowly. It seemed like those kisses would go on forever and were magical. Every detail was savored like it was an entire experience unto itself. His lips did not hesitate, but they did not push. It was like a perfect dance of kissing and being kissed. His tongue was present, but waiting to explore mine quietly and tenderly. As I would slide the tip of my tongue over his, it seemed like a whole new depth to our kisses that reverberated in my chest. As he would press against my lips, it would serve only to increase my hunger for another kiss to reclaim the feeling. We could go on like that for hours and were never hurried to move on to other things. The kissing was satisfying enough. To this day, I cannot remember his face, but only his mouth."

Kissing is a very intimate form of communication. Through a kiss, one person tells another how open they are to them, how relaxed they are, how present they are. When we kiss, we take in our partner's scent, their breath, their being. Because our lips have about 200 times the nerve endings that our fingertips have, they are much more sensitive to light touch and pressure. If done with intention, kissing is one of the most sensual experiences that you can share with another. There is a reason why the Kama Sutra goes on to discourse about some 30 different types of kisses. Kissing also decreases our stress as it reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) that we have circulating through our bodies. And it is one of the best ways to boost oxytocin in men, which increases bonding. But too often, we forget about the mystery and magic of kissing and we gloss over the importance of kissing. We become accustomed to using kissing merely as a prelude to further sexual activity and we forget how it used to create wonderment and tremendous excitement in us.

Did you ever have a time when you would just kiss your partner for hours with the only goal being the enjoyment of the kissing itself? Reconnecting to the joy of kissing is a wonderful way to heighten the excitement between you and add variety to your sex life. So in preparation for Valentine's Day, take some time out just for kissing. Make kissing an event. Try an evening of kissing, without moving on to sex, just kissing. Immerse yourself in your partners lips, tongue, cheeks, and caresses. Explore kissing their face, behind their ears, over their eyes and forehead. And deliberately kiss your partner slowly to feel each movement in their mouth and tongue. In the end, our mind controls what is pleasing to us and what we choose to focus on. Kissing can be an activity all on its own that can be slow, deliberate, and take up hours. You can get lost in the feel of your partner's lips softly pressing against yours. You can marvel at touching their tongue with yours as you move slow to feel every passing moment. You can allow yourself to get lost in the moment. You can make kissing an event.

Safe Oral Sex

Some people happen to be more microbial-conscious than others. I tend to be very microbial-conscious as a function of my very dramatic microbiology teacher in medical school. That being the case, I often ask people about what they do for safe sex. The knee-jerk response is always "condoms," but I'm concerned with the amount of people who don't consider the necessity to have safe oral sex. Not only is this important for new partners or anyone you are not "sure" of, but also for people with known conditions such as herpes. There are safe ways to have hot sex!

For safe oral sex, the off-label use of dental dams was the gold standard for a long time. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of thin latex that dentists use during dental procedures to have their work nice and neat. It prevents bacteria or viruses from the patient infecting the dentist, as well as prevents debris from falling back into the patient's mouth, and it creates a barrier that is easily folded up after the procedure is complete. This has been very cleverly translated into use for oral sex by providing a barrier that prevents passage of bacteria or viruses, but is thin and flexible enough to allow for a good amount of stimulation.

Since this was so brilliant, the sex dam was created. This is also a rectangular piece of latex, but is especially thin and usually transparent or translucent. Both of these qualities enhance the experience for both the giver and the receiver, which is the whole point, isn't it? Sex dams are also a little longer than dental dams, so they can cover more area - such as the entire vulva and anus - at the same time.

To use either one, you simply unfold it completely and place it over the area you wish to devour. You will find that if you use some water-based lubricant on the receiving side, the feeling is more realistic and intense for them. Although some people recommend lube on both sides, I always felt that saliva in my mouth was more appealing than lube, but the choice is yours. It is important to keep the dental dam from sliding around too much, and this can be done by using your hands to hold each side of the dam against the tops of the thighs or the buttocks. This allows you to explore the area completely with your tongue and lips, but not having actual contact with bodily fluids or tissues that could carry the risk of infection. Remember that since the dental dams are made of latex, you should only use water-based lubricants since any others would cause a breakdown of the latex, similar to condoms.

Speaking of condoms, what to do if you don't have a dental dam? Another popular trick is to use a latex condom and just cut it to size. In order to do this, you first completely unroll the condom. Next, you cut off the rounded tip. Lastly, you cut it lengthwise down the shaft and you are left with a latex rectangle. It is a little smaller size than a dental dam, but it does the trick. It works best if you use plain condoms that do not already have lube or spermicide on them so as not to gunk up your scissors. You can always add your water-based lube after you're done cutting. If you're really in a jam, you can also use a latex glove by cutting straight across just below the fingers (except the thumb), then open it by cutting straight up on the opposite side to the thumb. Some find this variation useful in that they can stick their tongue in the thumb opening for greater range of motion. You can also use the left-over fingers for anal play.

There is also the happy-housewife substitute for the dental dam - plastic wrap. Yes that familiar transparent wrap that your are tempted to dress yourself in and surprise your partner with when they come home. But if you want to use plastic wrap, you do have to be a little cautious. You need to ensure that you have the NON-Microwavable type because this type is non-porous. The microwavable type is too porous and lets in bacteria and viruses, therefore defeating the purpose of using it in the first place.

Most condom shops and sites sell sex dams and dental dams. You can also buy dental dams from dental supply stores or sites. Dental dams come in different thicknesses, from thin (0.125mm) to extra heavy (0.5mm). They even come flavored too, if you like. For those people with latex allergies, there are dental dams available that are made of silicone as well. There are lots to choose from, so no excuses. Be prepared, and enjoy safe oral sex.