Reclaim Your Sexuality

We've Moved to ReclaimYourSexuality.com

2010-07-08T18:31:00.005-04:00

I am pleased to announce that this blog has been redesigned and expanded. Please see the new and improved version here. Also, don't forget to update your bookmarks, feeds, readers, and little scraps of paper sitting next to your computers. See you there, and have a sexy day!

Want to Change Your Partner? - Change yourself.

2010-07-04T22:20:00.012-04:00

How many times have I seen it day in and day out - a couple is not happy about the way things are progressing (or not progressing) in their relationship. They have theories, a list of faults the other partner has committed, a wish-list of things that partner doesn't do that would easily (ideally) solve their problems. Already before coming to see me, they are pointing their finger at their partner's shortcomings with dissatisfaction. Problem is, you cannot change anyone. Period. People that try to force their partners to change often find that it only increases anger, insecurity, and resentment.

But that doesn't mean that our partners can't change, or won't change. Everyone has the option to change something about their behavior, their thoughts, their life. The trick is they will only change if they want to, or if it suits them to do so. The secret to change in your partner, however, is less about focusing on them, and more about focusing on yourself.

When we are in a relationship, we tend to create patterns of behaviors that define how we interact with each other. Our relationship has its own equilibrium that is made up of how we each behave and how we respond to our partner's behavior. The longer the relationship goes on, the more entrenched these patterns become. But the patterns can always change - and that change depends on us. Here's why:

Einstein said that insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. Such is the case with the way we interact with our partners. By focusing on our own thoughts, actions, and words, we can change the equilibrium of our relationship, even if only just a little. If we act differently, then our partner will have to respond to this change. So by creating a different set of variables in yourself, you set the stage for a different response in your partner.

For example, if your partner is watching television instead of following you into the bedroom, you might try starting to pleasure yourself without them ("I'm just going to go touch myself a little.") and see if they don't say "Hey wait for me." Or if you wish that your partner would initiate sex more often, instead of waiting around for it, start talking to them about your latest fantasy.

Now, this does not guarantee that your partner will change the way you would like them to, or even change at all. How you respond, however, is up to you. Some people keep trying different things, some people give up trying. Some even decide to end their relationship, depending on the nature of the issue in question. Change involves risk, and that means that the change may not always be in the direction you were hoping for. It is this risk of the unknown that keeps so many people from trying something new. But regardless of your partner, you always have control of yourself. Some of you may ask "Why should I have to change?" and my answer is, it's not about should or shouldn't. And you don't have to change. But then don't expect anything else to change either.

The Skinny on Condoms

2010-06-26T11:12:00.005-04:00

Safe sex is synonymous with using condoms. Whether you choose to use a traditional condom (for men) or the larger female condoms, a barrier method is the only way to currently protect against bacterial or viral infections being passed from one partner to another. Remember that sexual contact even one time with a partner can result in a sexually transmitted infection, and you can't always tell who has an infection or who doesn't. Sometimes a person may not even know if they themselves have an infection (such as HPV, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, trichomonas, or HIV) when they meet a new partner, so you should be responsible to protect yourself.

Although condoms are the gold standard for STI prevention, there are several things that cause people to shy away from using condoms. Some of these complaints are decreased sensitivity, difficulty in keeping an erection while using a condom, discomfort in wearing a condom, and irritation during or after using a condom. It may take a little trial and error, but most of these issues can be overcome with some practical information and practice.

Firstly, in order to put on a condom, a man should already have an erection that is satisfactory. If you attempt to put on a condom before a man has a complete erection, the pressure from the condom could actually prevent having sufficient blood filling the penis for a good erection. Once a man has an erection, however, this pressure does not effect the hardness of the erection. Some men, however, find that they start to lose their erection when they put on a condom. This is usually related to their thoughts about condoms which can cause anxiety or negative ideas, or is a combination of those psychological factors combined with physical factors.

If a condom does not fit well, it can result in decreased sensitivity, discomfort, or even pain. For most men, finding a condom that has the proper width (yes they vary in how wide they are as well as how long) makes all the difference. If a condom ring is too tight around the shaft of the penis, it may be too uncomfortable to get lost in the moment and really enjoy sex. If the width seems to be ok, but there is still a considerable decrease in sensitivity, try using condoms that have a wider area around the tip, so that there is movement around the most sensitive part of the penis during penetration, which feels more natural. Regardless of what style of male condom you choose, you should leave some extra space at the tip of the condom to give room for the semen to collect after ejaculation. If your erection is a little shorter than the condom, it is better to leave more extra space at the top, since you should be able to unroll the condom completely for comfort and effective use. With practice, you will know just how much to leave for yourself.

If you are finding that male-style condoms are too constricting for comfortable sex, then you may benefit from trying female condoms. They are condoms designed to be inserted into the vagina and stay put with a ring that holds onto the cervix. They are inserted all the way into the vagina with the outer ring covering part of the labia first, then pushing the rest of it up as far as it will go and having the inner ring surround the cervix. The outer ring always stays on the outside and actually provides more coverage of the labia, which can decrease those sexually transmitted infections that are passed on with skin to skin contact (like genital warts and Herpes). Since the female condom is much wider, it doesn't cause the squeezing that is uncomfortable for men who are very wide. The female condom does take some practice to use effectively, and you must ensure that the outer ring doesn't slip into the vagina during penetration (sometimes you may need to adjust it).

One of the great drawbacks of using condoms is that people may experience more irritation during or after sex. It is important to use lubrication on the outside of the condom and should be reapplied regularly during sex. Keeping the lube within arm's reach during sex helps keep the action moving right along. Since condoms are destroyed by oils, choose only water-based lubricants. Also, keep in mind that many people find glycerin to be be irritating to their mucosal tissues, so finding a glycerin-free lube is always best. Never use lotions, creams, or any other type of lube not specifically designed for sex since they may contain oils in them and can be very irritating inside. Stay away from condoms that contain nonoxynol-9 spermicide, since this is particularly irritating.

If you find that latex condoms are the cause of your irritation (or you just don't care for the taste, smell, or feel), find yourself condoms made of polyurethane or polyisoprene. Both of these are thinner than latex, so provide a more natural feel. Polyurethane is much less stretchy than polyisoprene (which is a great plus for some people), but transfers body heat pretty well. These are all options to consider when finding the condom that you like the best. By finding the condom that works best with your anatomy and preferences, many of the complaints often heard with condom use can be eliminated for a safe, pleasurable sexual experience. And don't forget your "Kiss of Mint" for safe sex while giving a blowjob!

Too Tired for Sex?

2010-06-21T14:20:00.001-04:00

In our busy schedules, it is easy to have our sex life take a back seat to our other responsibilities. But your mindset about sex can dramatically change your desire and your energy level for sex. If you think about sex as an obligation or a chore, you will be hesitant, avoid your partner, and feel drained of motivation. If, however, you see it as a way to be pampered and given pleasure, many often conjure up the energy to be frisky even in the face of a long day. On other occasions I have spoken about the importance of regular aerobic exercise for maintaining your energy and health, getting proper sleep, learning to reduce stress, as well as the importance of communication to avoid having relationship conflicts from creating anger or resentment. Here are some other practical things to consider if you find that you are often too tired for sex.

The first thing to consider is what you are putting into your body. Diet and water intake directly affect your energy level, and too often they are areas that people ignore. Being dehydrated automatically makes you feel fatigued even if you have a good diet. Remember to drink water throughout the day and to replenish after any caffeinated drinks like soda, coffee, or tea. If you feel thirsty, you are already low on water. The next thing that many people skimp on because of their busy schedules is their diet. Oftentimes, people will skip a meal or two, then have one large meal, or they may eat snacks of easily accessible junk food instead of more nutritious choices. Not only does this leave you without the necessary ingredients to continue with your day, but with that pattern of eating, your body will eat away at your muscle tissue and take up all the energy stored up, but keep your body fat up. This results in low energy reserves and fatigue. Three regular meals of moderate portions is the best way to regulate your body's energy stores. Since caffeine causes your body to release the energy stored in your muscles, limiting your caffeine intake to one drink (coffee or tea) per day helps your body keep these intact.

Because our diets are usually not sufficient for our stressful lives, most people would benefit from taking vitamins. A multivitamin usually does not provide enough B vitamins for optimal energy, therefore most people would benefit from taking a B-100 Complex, which has 100mg of each of a combination of B vitamins. Our modern diet and environmental factors (such as medications) can leave us with low levels of B vitamins. These are important because they help with metabolism and help normalize energy levels.

One sex tip you can use to combat fatigue is to initiate sex in a place other than your bed. Since your brain already connects being in bed with sleeping, this becomes much more difficult to resist once you are already tired from the day. Once you slide into the covers and you get horizontal, the desire for sleep overshadows any desire there may be for sex. But starting off on the couch or another area of the house may keep those zzzz's from taking over. You may try talking to your partner about this and start your foreplay or flirtation before you get to the bedroom. Related to that is the time of the night that you or your partner tries to initiate sex. I would recommend that you not wait until bedtime to start communicating to your partner that you want to have sex. This may require some creative planning with your family's schedule, but can certainly pay off. Instead of staying up watching tv until your lids are heavy, start kissing and caressing early, and maybe forego that tv show for some real live action!

Keep in mind that many women require some physical stimulation before they actually are aware of any sexual desire. If they are feeling too tired, they may not even be able to focus on what the pleasure of sex could feel like at that moment. A tip for these women is to give yourself permission to explore some gentle stimulation, either by your partner or by yourself, before you make up your mind about having sex. This may help awaken a stronger desire for sex, even if it was previously masked by feeling tired. So much of a woman's desire has to do with what she is focused on, and some actual physical contact and stimulation helps shift that focus.

Sexual Fantasies

2010-06-16T16:16:00.000-04:00

One element of our sex life that adds to our arousal and sexual pleasure is sexual fantasy. These can be images, scenes, or stories that can range from very simple, to very complex and involved. They are shaped by several different factors including early experiences, ideas about ourselves, and how we interpret the sexual meaning of certain acts or images. How our sexual fantasies develop is also influenced by what we are taught by our families or society about what is appropriate or not appropriate. Regardless, sexual fantasies are a natural part of the way our thinking mind works to give meaning to our actions and heighten our arousal.

Since sexual fantasies can include all different kinds of images, they are often misunderstood, or become a source of anxiety. Oftentimes, a person will be sufficiently uncomfortable with their sexual fantasies that they block them out or distract themselves with other thoughts in order to keep from thinking about them. If this happens repeatedly, you may teach yourself to ignore sexual fantasies altogether, or at least those fantasies that contribute the most to your arousal. This can result in difficulty becoming aroused, excited, or reaching orgasm.

Learning a little about sexual fantasies may help you feel more comfortable with your own fantasies. Many times, fantasies can be symbolic or their meaning may not be obvious at first. This can cause some people to become upset with their fantasies and try to block them out. For example, a fairly common fantasy for some women is that might be ravished or raped. For many women, this fantasy represents the desire to be so attractive and desirable that their partner (or others in the fantasy) would not be able to resist them. It does not automatically mean that a woman wants to be raped or would enjoy being raped. So you see how this type of fantasy could be confusing and upsetting for both men and women alike.

Sexual fantasies are what give our sex lives their gusto. If you do not allow yourself to get lost in your fantasies and explore your own sexual nature, you are short-changing yourself out of pleasure and a better understanding of who you are as an individual. There are many things that people fantasize about that they would not look to carry out in real life. But that does not mean that you cannot use those fantasies to heighten your experience for yourself or with your partner. Fantasy is just that - fantasy, not reality. It is a creative space in your mind that you can use to pretend and create exciting stories, and have fun.

(This article refers to fantasies that do not involve harm towards yourself or another person, or fantasies that involve inappropriate partners - such as children or animals. If you are having such fantasies, they should be discussed with a therapist to prevent any dangerous or harmful behavior or any anxiety or depression that result from them.)

Meds Affecting Your Erection - Blood Pressure Medications

2010-06-08T20:24:00.017-04:00

There are literally hundreds of different prescription medications that can interfere with your sex life. In this post, I am going to focus on medications prescribed to control blood pressure and how some of these may be having undesired effects in the area of erectile functioning. Please be advised that high blood pressure is a serious medical condition that requires proper treatment. Because of this, you should never stop taking your medication without consulting your doctor for advice or adjustments to your prescription. Information here is not tailored to any specific case and cannot be taken as individual medical advice.

Sexual arousal depends on a series of different mechanisms working in conjunction with each other in response to physical and/or psychological stimulation. Successful sexual arousal and performance relies on the participation of your brain, your nerves, your hormones, and your blood vessels. Since medications that are used to control high blood pressure have their effect primarily on blood vessels, they can easily cause sexual side effects. Here are some of the more common anti-hypertensive medications broken down by type:

1. Diuretics - These medications work to lower your blood pressure by causing the body to eliminate excess fluid. By doing so, the actual volume of blood is decreased, which leads to a decrease in your blood pressure. Studies suggest that there is a high prevalence of erectile dysfunction (ED) in men taking diuretics for blood pressure, especially in the first few years of treatment. What is interesting is that after several years, the amount of men reporting ED who weren't taking diuretics almost matched those men who were taking diuretics. This suggests that the diuretic itself is not directly causing the ED, but the lowered blood volume is uncovering another existing problem with the blood vessels needed for an erection. These medications also lower zinc levels, which leads to a decrease in testosterone production and negatively affects sexual desire and performance. An example of diuretics are the thiazides.

2. Beta Blockers - In order for an erection to occur, there has to be activation of beta-receptors in the tissues of the penis and arteries of the penis. Some beta blockers bind to many different type of beta-receptors and can often block those receptors(beta-2). That does not allow the blood vessels to relax enough to allow the penis fill up with blood for a proper erection. Propanolol, timolol, and nadolol are non-selective beta blockers and have the most potential for interfering with an erection. Beta blockers that are called 'cardio-selective' are those that only block the beta-1 receptors and do not tend to cause ED. Examples of cardio-selective beta blockers are metoprolol, acebutalol, esmolol, and atenolol. Some beta blockers also block certain alpha receptors as well, which can cause ED. Examples of these are carvedilol and labetalol. But there are some beta blockers that can actually help erectile function by increasing nitric oxide (NO) levels with their alpha-blocking properties, such as nebivolol. Interestingly, studies have shown that just having anxiety about having side effects is enough to produce the side effect. Studies also have demonstrated a placebo (sugar pill) worked just as well as Viagra to get rid of the ED associated with beta blockers.

3. ACE Inhibitors - These blood pressure medications do not tend to cause ED, and in some instances, can even improve erectile functioning. Examples of these medications include losartan, candesartan, and valsartan.

4. Calcium Channel Blockers - These medications do not seem to adversely affect erectile functioning. Men taking this type of anti-hypertensive medication had the same rate of ED as those men of similar age not taking them. Examples of calcium-channel blockers are amlodipine, nifedipine, diltiazem, and verapamil. Some people have reported a decreased libido on these medications, however.

As always, prevention is always preferred over treatment of a condition. Maintaining an appropriate weight, getting good sleep, learning how to respond rather than react to stress, practicing aerobic exercise at least 3-4 x/week, and lowering your salt and fatty food intake are all lifestyle choices that keep your body's functioning more in balance. If you can put these into practice early in life, you decrease your chances of having ED from any vascular disease, as well as decrease your chances of having to be on blood pressure medications later in life.

Create Your Own Porn

2010-06-02T16:01:00.007-04:00

Pornography is misused, misappropriated, and misunderstood. With the advent of the internet, YouTube, and other forms of streaming media readily available, there has been an exponential growth in the viewing and downloading of porn over the last 20 years. Consequently, there has also been a backlash to this increased use with fixation on labels such as "sexual addiction" used by some to accuse and others to rationalize. But despite the paranoia surrounding it, pornography can be a very useful tool for increasing sexual arousal, as well as exploring your own sexuality.

Pornography is defined simply as anything that is created with the intention of arousing sexual desire - artwork, writing, pictures, etc. We can see that pornography in and of itself is not necessarily a bad thing. But as with most things in life, it can get out of control or be unhealthy for us if we do not use it in a way that is balanced. Pornography can be very useful for individuals or couples to increase their sexual arousal and excitement. But it does take discipline. It is easily misused to get continuous sexual stimulation, but eventually can lead to boredom and the search for higher and higher levels of stimulation.

The way our minds work, we need some variety to keep us interested. This is true for sex as it is for most areas in life. Couples that have been together for some time may become discouraged if they do not have the same level of excitement with each other, unless they realize that need to work at creating that excitement through variety. Pornography can be very helpful in providing erotic material to spice things up. But just as with a favorite movie or book, if we continuously see it over and over again, we can get bored with it as well. This is why taking a step back and creating our own porn can make all the difference in the world.

Creating your own porn consists of taking images that you might have seen in a porn movie or magazine, or read about in an erotic story, and then practicing having variations on that theme in your own mind. Instead of going back and watching a movie again, for example, you may whisper to your partner what was particularly exciting for you. Or you can keep it to yourself and replay a particularly exciting idea or scenario. You can practice making up different scenes or images related to it. In this way, you work with your own brain's creativity to increase your capacity for sexual fantasy, and you have less opportunity to become desensitized, or bored, with that particular theme.

Remember that fantasies are a natural way that our mind works to create exciting thoughts for us and get us aroused. Fantasies can consist of almost anything, but are usually images related to the time of our sexual awakening and (believe it or not) our anxieties. Sometime people are embarrassed or feel guilty about having certain fantasies, but it is important to remember that it is very common to fantasize about something that we don't necessarily want to do in real life. When we create our own porn, we also give ourselves artistic license to explore what images and themes are particularly exciting to us. And because our sexuality is constantly evolving throughout our life, you may find that your images and themes may morph, or shift, or go in cycles. It's all fair game.

How Do You Initiate Sex With Your Partner?

2010-05-26T20:57:00.005-04:00

How do you communicate to your partner that you want to have sex or are open to having sex? This may seem like an obvious question to some, but really think about it for a moment. How does your partner know when you are ready to have sex? Many times couples find that they are not sure what their partner is thinking, what they are in the mood for, and they don't really know how to ask.

This often becomes an issue after a couple has been together for awhile and their relationship is strong and healthy. As your partner becomes more and more important to you, and as you depend more on their happiness for your own, you may find yourself taking a back seat to their needs. This is to be expected, especially in situations in which you do not want to add to their stress or demands. The result for many may be that they take a "wait and see" approach to initiating sex. This means that they try to take their cues from their partners before making their desire known. But what if your partner is doing the same thing? You may never ask each other for sex, and the tension of how to communicate this grows heavier.

One exercise that a couple can do is to ask each other, "How can I tell if you are in the mood? How will you let me know?" This opens the door of communication so that you are not attempting to guess what your partner is trying to tell you. It also puts each person at ease to more freely communicate when they are thinking about or desiring sex.

Another wonderful exercise that couples can do is to ask each other "Under what circumstances do you let yourself get turned on?" At first, this may seem like an odd question because most people think that getting turned on depends on someone else doing something to you. But the reality is that our mind controls our level of sexual arousal by either being open to what's happening around us and our own erotic thoughts, or by keeping us shut off from potentially exciting events, thoughts, or stimulation.

One complaint that I have heard often is that people's expectation is that sex should happen spontaneously - the feeling just comes over you, and magically it works out, like in a romantic movie. But such expectations are unrealistic and do not take into account the reality of busy schedules and stressful lives. A good sex life takes work, planning, and a little risk taking. So if you find yourself in that uncomfortable position of playing Chip and Dale (the Disney version! - "What do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do? I don't know, what do you want to do?") try having a few conversations about sex. The results might surprise you!

Your Sexuality During Pregnancy

2010-05-20T13:26:00.013-04:00

If there is ever a time that your body is going to experience a great deal of changes in a short period of time, pregnancy is it. Not only does a woman have significant physical changes in shape, size, weight, and energy level - but she undergoes a considerable fluctuation in hormone levels. This affects everything from mood, to physical well-being, to those huge nap attacks that come daily. So what happens with a woman's sexuality during her pregnancy? What should a couple expect or be concerned about during pregnancy?

There are three basic factors that determine how much sexual activity a woman can have during her pregnancy: what her doctor recommends, any incidence of blood or spotting, and most importantly, how she feels. In certain situations, a doctor may recommend bed rest or just to hold off from having sexual activity/orgasms. It is important that a couple follow their doctor's recommendations to prevent any difficulties with the pregnancy. Similarly, if there is any blood or spotting, they should also wait on having sex until she is able to get examined by her doctor.

How a woman feels is probably the biggest determining factor in a couple's sexual activity. Nausea in the first trimester makes it very difficult to feel sexy and aroused, although this varies from woman to woman. Some women are very uncomfortable and experience some vomiting, while other women never experience this and don't even know that they are pregnant until they are almost into their second trimester. Energy level also impacts a women significantly during pregnancy, especially in the third trimester when naps are almost obligatory. Her body begs her for sleep in order to conserve calories and encourage growth hormone needed by the fetus to grow.

Although it can vary considerably from woman to woman, pregnancy can be a time of heightened physical sensitivity. Not only do woman's breasts and genitals increase in size, but they become much more responsive to touch. Because of this, a couple should proceed slowly when engaging in sexual activity in order to determine the woman's comfort level and optimal amount of physical stimulation for sexual arousal. Keep in mind that some women may find direct touching of their clitoris overwhelming because of the increased sensitivity. If this is the case, spend a little time exploring the area close to, but not directly on the clitoris to see how she responds. Keep in mind how this will translate into what sexual positions you engage in and how these create contact or friction over her vulva. Other women may find that the increased sensitivity allows her to have orgasms more easily. This includes having orgasms from stimulation over other parts of her body as well, such as her breasts, back of her scalp, back of knees, inside of thighs, etc.

There is a great deal of variation from woman to woman (and even from pregnancy to pregnancy) in how a woman responds, how she feels, and what she desires. Keeping an open mind and allowing yourself to be flexible and adjust to the many changes usually brings the most happiness and makes it easier to deal with stress. You can find ways to take advantage of the heightened sensitivity during pregnancy to continue your lifelong exploration of your sexuality.

How to Give a Woman Oral Sex

2010-05-16T21:48:00.013-04:00

Oral sex is often a topic of much interest because so many women enjoy it greatly, and so many men are curious as to how to use oral sex to please their female partner. Although there is quite a bit of variation from woman to woman as to what they like and what their preferences are, there are some guidelines that a person can follow to maximize the oral sex experience for their partner.

The best approach to learning how to give a woman oral sex is to ask her "Teach me . . ." Women often have a sense of how they like to be touched, where, with how much pressure and speed. Remember that when you are asking a woman to teach you, it's about finding out what she likes. This does not necessarily translate to another woman, so even if you have had a previous partner that likes oral sex a certain way, it is worthwhile to find out what your current partner likes.

Next, when performing oral sex, you should try your best to be relaxed. Any hesitation or anxiety may be interpreted negatively by your partner and can be a source of distraction or turn off. If a woman thinks that you are not into it, she is not going to be into it. The best is when you can let yourself go and really eat her out. Attitude and enthusiasm are important.

Remember that women's sexual arousal builds up gradually, and it can progress more slowly than a man's arousal. For that reason, it is always best to start giving a woman oral sex slowly and softly. She may be very sensitive, especially at the start, and going too hard or too fast can be overwhelming. Some women cannot tolerate direct contact with their clitoris and need to have the area pretty wet for it to be comfortable. Others will prefer that you always lick across the clitoris over the skin that covers it so that you don't have direct contact with it. Some will prefer that you incorporate licking over the U-Spot as well. By going slow you have a chance to explore the area and find out just what she likes and where. A good example to follow is thinking about how you would lick an ice-cream cone. You can start off with a wide, soft tongue and take it from there. This is also less tiring, so you can go on for a longer period of time. If she wants you lick harder or have a pointier tongue, she will let you know.

Men, do not underestimate the amount of razor stubble on your face and how this feels. If a man has not had a shave in over 8 hours, his razor stubble could approximate the grain of 120 grit sandpaper, which is pretty abrasive. Sometimes a little pressure from the chin or upper lip can feel nice, but not if you're exfoliating the top layer of musocal tissue. If you think back to the ice-cream example, it may help you remember: while eating an ice-cream cone, you wouldn't stick your chin in it. So if you have razor stubble, make sure it's only lips and tongue are contacting the area.

Once you have found the right spot, women need repeated stimulation in the same area in order to reach orgasm. Remember that orgasm alone should not be the only focus of oral sex. Heightened arousal, lubrication, and pleasurable sensations are all important whether or not she reaches orgasm. Because good oral sex means spending a little time downstairs, make sure to find yourself a comfortable position that you can maintain for at least ten minutes. Don't just lick for one minute then move on. If the position she prefers is too hard on your neck, try lifting her hips up by placing a pillow underneath them, or by having her on her side and resting your head on the inside of her thigh. Also, you do not have to tolerate being suffocated or having your head squeezed by her legs, so use your hands on the inside of her thighs to remind her if needed.

Every woman is different, so let her be your guide and don't hesitate to communicate with her for a mutually pleasurable experience. May you eat heartily and regularly!

Improving Your Erection

2010-05-11T07:59:00.020-04:00

There are multiple factors that affect your erection including physical, neurochemical, hormonal, psychological, and emotional. Because of this, a man needs to maximize all of these to ensure the best erection he can have. Oftentimes a man will seek help for his erections only after he has had difficulties for some time. But the best medicine is preventive medicine. This includes lifestyle choices and measures that you can adopt for overall health, and specifically for continued optimal erections.

So here are a few factors to consider when wanting to preserve or improve your erection:

1. Watch what you put into your body. Everything you eat, drink, or otherwise expose your body to, will affect your overall physical health and therefore, your erection. Diets that are high in fat, sugar, and artificial ingredients cause an increase in your body's inflammation response. Over time, this is damaging to blood vessels, especially those of your heart and your penis. Other culprits are nicotine (whether in cigarettes or in nicotine patches/gum) and excess in alcohol. Keep in mind that alcohol use of more than 1/2 - 1 drink per day has been shown to increase your triglycerides and LDL (bad) cholesterol which eventually contributes to arterial plaques and hardening of the arteries, resulting in decreased blood flow.

2. Get moving. Our bodies are designed to be active and in motion. By keeping active and engaging in regular aerobic exercise, you increase the blood flow to your muscles, and your penis along the way. One of the most interesting things about increasing your blood flow is that it becomes a signal to your blood vessels to grow and get wider. It benefits your brain, your heart, and your erection. The principle of "use it or lose it" is the best advise one can follow. In fact, if you don't engage in sexual activity at least once or twice a week, it would be beneficial to masturbate. This not only helps with prostate health, but encourages the blood vessels that contribute to your erection to maintain their patency and flow.

3. Don't be so uptight. When you have anxiety or stress, it creates a state in your body that directly opposes sexual arousal. This can interfere with getting or keeping an erection (or even reaching orgasm for some). Sometimes men are not aware of anxiety that they create for themselves, which may come in the form of doubts or negative thoughts. If you are having difficulties with your erection and have no physical cause for it, then it would be important to explore in what ways anxiety is affecting you. I believe that you owe this to yourself and the future of your sexual functioning.

4. Supplement your diet. Besides keeping a diet that works to create better health for you and your penis, there are certain vitamins and supplements that can improve your sexual performance and your erection. These days, our diets do not usually provide sufficient B vitamins and most people should be taking a B-100 Complex daily. In addition to this, Coenzyme Q10 100mg a day works as an antioxidant, may protect against high blood pressure, and may also be cardioprotective. But one of the most interesting supplements available is Epimedium (a.k.a. Horny Goat Weed). The active ingredient in this supplement works the same way as that of Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis - inhibiting PDE-5, thereby increasing the availability of NO. This directly causes dilation of arteries of the penis (and other locations) which causes erections. Look for preparations made from trusted sources that provide at least 400-500mg per dose and take twice daily. This works not just for those men who have started having difficulty with getting and keeping their erections, but also for men as they age to maintain the best blood flow they can.

Be aware that difficulties with an erection can be a signal to other existing medical problems such as heart or vascular disease, thyroid problems, diabetes, or other end-organ damage due to metabolic syndrome or drugs/alcohol. Please don't delay in seeking medical attention for any problems with your erection, paying attention to what may be contributing to it. But again, the best course of action is the preventative one.

Conceptualizing the G-Spot

2010-05-05T15:45:00.002-04:00

What is a spot? The dictionary says that a spot is a small area different from the main area of which it is a part. Not a big deal really. But leave it to us humans to make things complicated. Whenever we are told that there is something bigger and better, we must have it, do it, own it. The G-Spot is no exception. Once we learn that there may be a G-Spot, we go hunting for it, trying to push on it, stroke it, finger it, rearrange our positions so we can hit it. We want to get enough credits to win the G-Spot Merit Badge. At least this is the way that I see a lot of people approaching sexuality. To all of you who may fall into this category, I say "Would you cut it out? It's very annoying and it takes the sensuality out of sex, and instead makes it a treasure hunt or a competition." So let's see how we can break out of this idea of the G-Spot as a discrete structure and see the G-Spot as part of a much larger picture.

Whenever I talk to patients about the G-Spot, I invite them to think of it conceptually instead of a discrete anatomical structure. I would like to describe to you how I understand it so that you can getter a better understanding as well. This requires that we think about the anatomy of the area in a 3-D way. If you would like to see a straight-forward, 2-D, cross-section diagram of the female anatomy, you can find one here (very high school biology). Let me describe how I conceptualize the G-Spot.

First to consider is that the female urethra has spongy erectile tissue surrounding it which has been known by different names from Skene's glands, to paraurethral glands, and even called the female prostate. You can get a 3-D image of this by imagining that you are holding a cup in front of you with both hands. The cup represents the urethra going from the bladder above and opening below between the labia minora. Your hands represent the erectile tissue (obviously not the exact shape or thickness), and the space between your arms represents the vagina. Imagine that the area of your thumbs is down towards the opening of the vagina. In our makeshift model, if something were to reach up between your arms and push on the area of your thumbs, it would be pressing onto the erectile tissue from inside the vagina. The erectile tissue actually fills the space between the wall of the vagina and the urethra, so although the erectile tissue is not in the vagina, you can stimulate it by pressure from inside the vagina.

Interestingly, scientists have found that this area of the vagina next to the erectile tissue has the greatest number of nerve endings of the entire vagina. There is a mix of different nerve endings, but a very large percentage of them are from the Pudendal nerve that also gets sensation from the labia, the PC muscle, the anus, and the clitoris. So when this area is stimulated, it adds to any other stimulation a woman may be receiving at the same time in any of those other areas. It is this area precisely that is also known as the G-Spot.

When a women begins to get sexually aroused, there is increased blood flow to the area which can fill up the erectile tissue. This expands the erectile tissue and can push the area of the G-Spot further into the vagina. Women have reported that when they have been aroused for awhile, this area of the G-Spot becomes more noticeable in the vagina and feels good with stimulation. If a woman is not yet aroused, the erectile tissue is not filled with blood and pressure on the area of the G-Spot can be uncomfortable, give a sensation of having to pee, or can even be painful for other women. This explains why the G-Spot tends to feels better after some time of sexual stimulation and excitation, but not necessarily before.

So I do believe the G-Spot does exist. If we can conceptualize this 3-D view of the G-Spot, it helps us understand where it is located, and also helps us better understand how it functions and responds to sexual arousal and stimulation. It is not to be seen as an independent structure by itself, but instead an area of anatomical opportunity for pleasure.

Learning to Masturbate

2010-04-28T09:25:00.014-04:00

The nature of things is that life isn't fair, and different circumstances of life can either be a benefit or a difficulty for us. When considering masturbation, whether your family is more anxious, or more religious, or whether you have your own room or not, or even being born a girl rather than a boy, contributes to if, when, and how you may learn to masturbate.

The reality is that men tend to have nature on their side because they have much more occasion to touch their genitals than girls. When they go to the bathroom, they touch themselves. When they get an erection and have to adjust their clothing, they touch themselves. Even just finding a comfortable position to sit or lay down, they may need to touch themselves. This brings many more opportunities for a boy to discover the pleasurable sensations he can experience from rubbing or stroking himself. Oftentimes, infants or toddlers discover this early on and engage in some form of masturbation without any instruction or direction from the outside world. We know that it is a natural activity and should not be viewed in a negative way.

For adolescent boys and men, one of the difficulties related to learning about masturbating is time and location. Many times, a man does not have the privacy that he wishes to explore his fantasies or his physical sensations, and instead rushes himself to finish the job before he is discovered or interrupted. Because of this, sometimes men teach themselves to masturbate in an anxious way that can translate to anxiety around orgasm and ejaculation in later sexual relationships. When masturbating, it is beneficial for a man to have times in which he allows himself the opportunity to explore different sensations, different intensities, different speeds, and also focus on how it feels physically in addition to focusing on his fantasy material.

With women, it is a little trickier. Women do not usually touch their genitals throughout the day except when involved in personal hygiene - and that doesn't usually bring any sexy thoughts to mind. Some girls find that certain objects or ways of sitting can produce pleasant sensations, and some even explore with their hands and fingers. Regardless, these are also a natural part of growth and development and are best approached as such.

For adolescent girls and women learning to masturbate, patience and curiosity are the keys. Nothing interferes more with sexual arousal and pleasure than performance anxiety. There is so much variation in what can bring a woman pleasure - from different materials, to different positioning of fingers or toys, to different speed and intensity. In some instances, it is a matter of time. When learning how to masturbate, it is not uncommon for a woman to be touching herself for 20 minutes or more before reaching a point where she finds an orgasm. But with women, orgasm does not have to be the goal, and many women enjoy the pleasure of masturbating for long periods without reaching orgasm. The curiosity about one's own body, the sensual nature of stimulation, and the eroticism of the exploration are the most important points. You will increase your pleasure if you allow yourself to explore your fantasies as well as your entire body, because your mind and your body work together for sexual satisfaction and pleasure.

Simultaneous Orgasms

2010-04-22T17:46:00.020-04:00

In some people's vision of idealized sex, they strive for simultaneous orgasms, where both partners come at the same time. Perhaps it's an attempt at a shared experience. Perhaps it is seen as the culmination of one's sexual activities coming to it's logical climax. For others, it may be their goal in a very performance-based view of sex. Still for others, it may be their definition of what sex should be. It's true that at different points in history, having simultaneous orgasms was seen as the highest sexual goal, some believing that women could only conceive if this was the case. As a matter of fact, some "marriage manuals" actually recommended married couples strive for simultaneous orgasms, and spoke of how to best achieve such. We know now that women can conceive without having an orgasm, and that most women cannot achieve orgasm just by penetrative intercourse alone.

Oftentimes, simultaneous orgasms will be achieved because of the increased arousal of seeing and feeling your partner reaching orgasm, thereby pushing you over the edge. But I would like to offer some thoughts regarding simultaneous orgasm, especially for those people in which the female partner does not reach orgasm with penetration alone, or for those couples who seem to very agenda-oriented in their sex life.

If you find yourself attempting to have simultaneous orgasms during most or all of the sexual contact that you have with your partner, you are, in effect, limiting yourself to the entirety of sexual possibilities. I have seen that for some couples, they also set the stage for disappointment in their sex lives because of the expectations they have for themselves. When I work with couples that have a very rigid idea of what their sex life should be, I encourage them to look beyond their old definitions so that they can be open to a larger range of sexual adventures with their partner.

At different times, our sexual appetite varies, as does our energy level and our level of relaxation and arousal. Because of this, it is natural that we would want different things sexually at different times as well. Part of keeping our sex life fresh is having variety and being open to exploration. Sometimes, we may desire to have a very linear type of sexual encounter, with a predictable beginning, middle, and end. At other times, however, we may crave a variety of experiences that include periods of more or less intensity, periods of faster or slower movement, or periods of multiple orgasms or no orgasms at all. We are more open to such experiences if we do not impose strict and predictable rules for ourselves in what sex should or shouldn't be.

Lastly to consider is the understanding of what it means to get lost in the moment. Because our sexual pleasure is heightened when we truly let ourselves go, our experiences become more intense when we give ourselves up to them. At times when this happens, we can become so engrossed in our experience, that everything else around us seems to fade away - time, sounds, even our surroundings. We may be so focused on our own pleasure and physical sensations that it becomes difficult to sense what is happening with our partner. Having our own orgasm makes it difficult, if not impossible, to fully feel our partner's body as they have their orgasm if it happens at the same time. You can actually feel your partner's orgasm more fully if you each orgasm at different times. This also can increase your connection and intimacy with your partner because you can be fully present as their reach their climax. This is preferable rather than missing their orgasm because you are lost in yours, or worse - not focusing on your orgasm because you are too busy focusing on theirs.

Shape Up for Sex, Part Two

2010-04-18T19:51:00.022-04:00

In my attempts to get everyone up off their couch and exercising to improve their sex life, here is part two of of "Shape Up for Sex." Part One describes two easy stretches and exercises vital for maintaining flexibility important for your sex life. A much earlier post, "Do you have 2 minutes for Sex?" gives a basic rag-doll stretch that helps relieve muscle tightness from your ankles up to the back of your neck. Check both of these out if you haven't already. Here, we have two more stretches and two more exercises to incorporate into your day. They are simple, don't require any special equipment, and definitely contribute to increased strength and stamina in your sex life.

The first stretch is a stretch of the quadratus lumborum muscle of the lower back. Many people experience tightness in this muscle, but don't know of an effective way of relieving this tension. I find this method to be the most simple, straightforward, and safest way to stretch this muscle. You begin by standing straight up and crossing your right foot in front of your left foot. You may choose to position yourself next to the arm of the couch if you need to hang on to something. Next, you bend your body slowly to the left side until you feel the stretch in your right lower back. Make sure that you are bending straight to the side and not bending your body forward. Next, hold this position for between 30-60 seconds. Remember that in order to have an effective stretch, you need to hold it more than 30 seconds with no bouncing. Then switch legs and stretch to the other side.

The next stretch is the child's pose from yoga. This is another wonderful stretch for both the lower back, as well as the upper back and shoulders. You start by kneeling and sitting back onto your feet. Then you bend your body forward with your arms stretched out in front of you. As you exhale, lower your head until your forward touches the floor. Then relax into this stretch and hold this position for one minute.

And now for the exercises. We will start with push ups. These build strength that not only help men stabilize themselves in positions when they are on top, but also can be helpful for women especially when trying positions such as being on all fours, or seated on top of her partner and using her arms to hold the back of a chair or couch. The goal is to be able to do 3 sets of 10 push ups. If you cannot do 10 consecutively, do as many as you can and work your way up over time. If you are not strong enough to do one full push up, which is the case for many women, you can place your knees on the floor and push up from there instead of your toes. The most important thing about push ups is to keep your body straight (as in the plank position) and not lift up your hips.

The last exercise today concentrates on your thighs. At first, it seems quite simple. But after several repetitions, you will feel the work out in your muscles. Start by squatting on the floor with your feet about shoulder width apart and the palms of your hands flat on the floor. From this position, you will push your palms into the floor as you straighten your legs. The motion ends when you have straightened your legs as much as you can while still keeping your hands flat on the floor. Your goal for this exercise is to do 3 sets of 30 repetitions. Like the push ups, if you cannot do a full 30 repetitions, do as many as you can and work your way up to 30 over time.

For those who already have a regular workout routine, adding these simple stretches and exercises add to your strength and flexibility for a variety of sex positions. For those who do not have a regular workout routine, these are simple movements that take only a few minutes a day and will maintain your sexual fitness. So use these and put yourself in optimal shape for good sex.

The Benefits of Orgasm

2010-04-15T13:13:00.012-04:00

Modern medicine still does not understand exactly the hows and whys of orgasm. But we do know that for humans, our psychological state is the major determining factor as to whether we can have an orgasm, or have difficulty acheiving one. We are, however, starting to understand more about what happens in the brain as a result of orgasm. But there is so much more to be studied and explored.

First, we know that at orgasm, both men and women release an increased amount of oxytocin. We know that oxytocin promotes feelings of comfort, closeness, relaxation, and feeling tingly all over. In women, it also causes contractions of the uterus, and may contribute to stronger orgasms. Along with this is the release of prolactin, another hormone that helps us feel satisfied and calm. There are studies demonstrating that at the point of orgasm, there is a protection against feeling pain without decreasing other sensations. Some people find that it helps relieve migraines, and others find it useful for body pain. Even though the effects of pain relief are immediate and last only a few minutes, those people regularly having orgasms experience lower levels of pain overall because of the increase in the body's natural opiods. We know that people having several orgasms per week have less chance for heart disease and stroke. I would also venture to guess that they smile more often.

Perhaps the most enjoyable benefit of orgasm is the feeling of being alive and charged sexually. When you orgasm, you feel powerful. It increases your blood flow throughout your body, but most importantly, to your genitals for increased support of those tissues and muscles. This is the best way to keep these tissues healthy, because blood flow promotes more blood flow in a positive feedback cycle. It's the flip side of 'use it or lose it.'

Even if you don't have a partner, bringing yourself to orgasm helps you gain some of these benefits. Although not all will admit it, most men will continue to actively masturbate even if they don't have a partner. I am still suprised, however, that there are several women who do not 'take matters into their own hands' when they find themselves without a partner. For some it is guilt, for some it seems inappropriate, for some it brings many negative automatic thoughts as to why they do not have a partner. Regardless, all of these cause a women to relinquish control of her sexuality and abandon an activity that her body thrives on.

I propose that we all masturbate frequently and happily. Just imagine if everyone woke up just a few minutes earlier and was able to have a little orgasm before leaving for work? I wonder if we would have a lot less road rage?

Exercising Your Concentration for a Better Sex Life

2010-04-02T11:49:00.012-04:00

Most people have heard about the use of meditation for relaxation. We first learn to focus on our breath, which grounds us in the present and helps quiet our mind of all other thoughts for the moment. It is a wonderful practice that becomes easier to do with repetition and time. By concentrating on your breath - the way it feels to draw the breath in, the fullness of holding it for that split second, then the feeling of the exhalation and release of tension - all other thoughts are momentarily suspended and cannot affect you. This reduces anxiety and allows the brain to relax.

In sex, we often have a multitude of anxious thoughts running through our mind - "Does my partner think I'm attractive?", "Am I going to be able to get as excited as I need to?", "Is my partner going to be happy with me?" Such thoughts are the brain's attempt to control the experience and achieve success. The paradox, however, is that these attempts of controlling the experience increase our anxiety, which short-circuits our sexual arousal. For some people, this is experienced as difficulty attaining or maintaining an erection, or difficulty lubricating, or excess muscle tension not allowing for penetration. If you are able to quiet these thoughts, and instead focus your attention on the pleasurable physical sensations you are experiencing, or fantasies that excite you, then you allow yourself to continue to have heightened sexual arousal.

This is where concentrations exercises can be of benefit. By practicing exercises in concentration and focus daily, you can enhance your brain's ability to focus and quiet your anxious, racing thoughts. First, pick a time and place where you will not be disturbed for a few minutes. It should be relatively quiet or have noise that fades in the background. In front of the tv or with music on is not conducive to focusing your attention. Once you have a few minutes free, you can start off by taking a simple object, nothing too complex, and placing all of your attention on it. You can either hold it, or just watch it where it sits. Next, you will notice the color of it, and the texture. You can notice any shadows or changes in reflection. Pay attention to its shape and edges. Continue to focus on this object and breathe normally.

If you notice that your mind wants to wander to something else, just calmly bring it back to focusing on the object. At first, practice doing this for about 3 minutes at a time each day. Once you feel comfortable with that amount of time, increase it to 5 minutes at a time every day. Eventually, you can work up to 10 minutes at a time or more. By doing this, you are retraining your mind to focus and you are improving your ability to concentrate. With practice, your ability becomes stronger and it becomes easier for you to quiet your mind and focus on the present moment. With this ability, you can translate it into increased enjoyment and sexual satisfaction by placing more of your attention on what's actually happening in the moment, rather than have your brain occupied by past experiences or future worries. Not only does it heighten your sexual pleasure, but it also increases your connection with your partner, really opening the door to great sex.

Prostate Stimulation for Sexual Pleasure

2010-03-30T21:00:00.008-04:00

The prostate is a gland in men that contributes to semen by producing up to a third of the fluid that mixes with the sperm produced in the testes. Together, this makes up the ejaculate that comes out at orgasm. Most men don't think about their prostate unless there is a problem with it, and would prefer if they never had to think about it. To talk about the prostate gland is to bring up images of cancer or surgery that people would prefer to ignore. But I'm here to get you to think about the prostate in a different way. The prostate can be a source of great pleasure for those willing to venture. Those men that enjoy prostate stimulation say that it greatly enhances their pleasure and intensifies their orgasms.

Many heterosexual men have a fear of having their prostate stimulated because they may interpret any pleasure they have from it as an indication that they might be homosexual, but this is not true. Fear of interpretation of the excitement with prostate stimulation is a misunderstanding of the one's anatomy. The nerves that allow for an erection pass along each side of the prostate gland. So when the prostate is stimulated, (even by a doctor) it may lead to an erection simply because the nerves are also stimulated along with the prostate. This just means that you are normal and have sensitive nerves, nothing else. But this can be used to your advantage.

Some do not want to proceed with any prostate stimulation or anal play because they are concerned with issues of cleanliness. This issue can be resolved with either a little prep work ahead of time, or with careful clean up afterwards. Simply using the bathroom ahead of time to empty the rectal vault will suffice for most. For those who want to engage in a large amount of anal play or sex, they may choose to prep with an enema. Others prefer to just wash with soap and water on the exterior and then wash themselves afterwards. The giver of the prostate stimulation can either use a glove, or a condom over a finger, or just wash the finger carefully afterwards with soap and water, paying careful attention to clean under and around the fingernails. Making sure that fingernails are trimmed and filed smooth is also a good idea.

Once you have decided to explore the sensations with prostate stimulation, you need to prepare yourself with plenty of lube and probably a little towel. One of the most important things to remember is that the anus does not produce any lubrication of its own and the tissues are fragile. Because of this, adding lubrication is very important to prevent tearing or irritation of those tissues. You can choose to use a water-based lube which is compatible with all materials and toys, but it does dry up faster than some other lubes. For anal play and prostate stimulation, you can also try silicone-based lubes. They are also compatible with latex and other condoms, and last longer than water-based lubes. Just remember that silicone-based lubrication cannot be used with silicone-based toys because the friction between them will cause the breakdown of the toy. Many people choose to use a condom over their silicone anal toy or prostate-stimulating toy in order to use the longer-lasting silicone lube.

You can experiment with different positions, some preferring to lay on their sides with one leg bent up. Others prefer to be on all fours. Others still prefer to lay flat on their backs. Whichever position you choose, a good thing to keep in mind is to go slow and let the receiver decide the pace of the activity. By going slow, the receiver feels things more intensely, it allows for relaxation, and there is less risk of hurting your partner. Fingers are the best way to start this exploration. Start by gently stimulating the exterior part of the anus with lube by stroking back and forth or pressing gently in a circular motion. Once the receiver is comfortable with this pressure, you can begin to gently introduce the tip of the finger either with constant pressure or with gentle in and out motion. As the receiver allows, you may continue to push the finger inwards until you reach the prostate.

If you point your finger forward towards the front of his body, you will find the prostate gland about 2-3 inches in, depending on the person's anatomy. You will feel a rounded surface about the size of a walnut. Once you find the prostate, you can press gently on it and stroke it from side to side or make circles around it. Because the prostate is a gland, it is softer than muscle tissue and needs to be treated gently. This means that it should not be poked, jabbed, or pushed with much force. There are many blood vessels in and around the prostate and it can get bruised if not handled properly.

It also is an added bonus that on orgasm, the PC muscles which also include the anal sphincter contract around your finger, creating extra sensation for the receiver. There are also a multitude of toys made especially for prostate stimulation. If you are going to choose one, you can use your experience with your finger's position and depth as your guide for comparison. When choosing a toy, remember that silicone, stainless steel, glass and hard plastic toys are non-porous, and do not allow bacteria to penetrate so they can be cleaned thoroughly. Some of these have loops that allow you to slip your fingers in for better handling of the toy. Regardless of what you choose, any toy used anally should have a flange/widened base to prevent it from accidentally sliding in all the way.

So if you and your partner find yourself in an adventurous mood, you can begin to explore how prostate stimulation can enhance his sexual pleasure. Don't be afraid to explore or start a dialogue with your partner. I welcome comments or questions.

The U-Spot

2010-03-24T22:08:00.002-04:00

It seems that it's in our nature as humans to want to put labels on everything because it helps us feel like we have control or power over things. So I was amused when someone today brought up the "U-Spot" after reading about it in Esquire Magazine. The U-Spot is not new, and it's certainly familiar to a multitude of women whose partners like to explore the area during oral sex. But for those who have not heard about the U-Spot, I thought it would be helpful to talk about what it is and why it gets the buzz that it does.

The U-Spot is the common term given to the area that surrounds the opening of the urethra in women. This area can be particularly sensitive because the female urethra is surrounded by spongy erectile tissue that fills with blood upon sexual arousal. This spongy tissue extends from the anterior vaginal wall, around the urethra, all the way to the pubic bone. Anatomists have called this spongy tissue the Skene's glands, or the periurethral glands. Some even call it the female prostate and believe this is where female ejaculate may come from. The skin that is directly over this spongy tissue, then, is known as the U-Spot. It's already very sensitive on it's own, but becomes even more sensitive once a woman gets sexually aroused.

So what am I supposed to do with this U-Spot, you ask? First let me say that if you are approaching this with a an attitude of "I've got to find this" then take a step back. So many people develop this performance-based attitude that feeds your ego, but takes away from your enjoyment and the fun of exploration. Plus, women like to feel that you are interested in her body, not in checking off a list of things to do. The sexiest attitude to take is a playful, exploratory experience and then see what feels good to her. Now that that's out of my system.....

The U-Spot feels the best when it is wet and touched gently. You do not need to put a lot of pressure on it, and many women have discovered this spot just from their partner rubbing the head of their penis up and down their labia. This is a motion that can be incorporated with stimulation of the clitoris and can be a way to reach orgasm all on its own for some women. The U-Spot can also be stimulated with fingers, but remember - gentle stroking across it is usually more pleasurable than pushing on it (it's a spot, not a button). Once again, incorporating this stroking with stroking of the clitoris above it may also be a pathway to orgasm for some women. And as with all things having to do with sexuality and anatomy, some women have very sensitive U-Spots, while some do not. When using fingers, you may find she likes to have some wet stroking all the way from the clitoris, over the U-Spot and then just into the opening of the vagina.

But most people would agree that oral sex is one of the best ways to stimulate the U-Spot. This is because it already makes the area wet and has less friction than the skin of the fingers. The easiest way to find it is to find the opening of the vagina with your tongue, then softly and slowly lick upwards towards the clitoris, as if you are licking an ice-cream cone. This way, you can see which area she is most sensitive in, and you won't overwhelm her with too much pressure or speed. Once you find the spot she likes, you can experiment with putting different amounts of pressure with your tongue, or going faster or slower.

So there's the skinny on the U-Spot, which you may already know, even if the name is not familiar. So for those women who have been deriving pleasure from this already, continue to enjoy and don't worry about the name.

Shape Up for Sex, Part One

2010-03-22T21:01:00.013-04:00

Today, I would like to present a few stretches and exercises that are easy to perform and can improve your sexual performance and satisfaction. If you take care of yourself, you put yourself in a better position to enjoy sex, feel more comfortable with your body, and increase your sexual pleasure because of it. Let me say that having a regular exercise regimen is the best plan for your overall health and your sexual functioning because it maintains your muscle strength, your metabolism, your endurance, your blood flow, and your sleep patterns. But there are specific exercises that help you strengthen those muscle groups you often use in sex. And if you have been avoiding your body lately, here are some simple suggestions that can get you back on track. They can be done without any special equipment right in your living room or bedroom floor. And the beauty of these is that they are important for both men and women to prepare for a better time in the bedroom. Please do these stretches and exercises on the floor and not on your bed, as the movement of the bed increases your risk for injuries and does not allow for maximal stretching.

Let's start with the stretches. These are particularly important because when you increase your muscle flexibility, you increase your range of motion which allows for increased endurance and comfort in a variety of positions in sex. These stretches should be performed for a couple of minutes a day, every day. This way, you will be able build on your existing flexibility and add to it little by little each day. Remember, that when you stretch, you should hold the position for at least 30 seconds and up to 60 seconds or longer if it possible. The reason for this is that muscle tissue does not fully relax for the first 30 seconds or so and requires more time to get results. Also important is to hold a steady stretch and not to bounce. Although many people stretch this way, it actually promotes muscle tension and does not help you stretch effectively.

The first stretch starts by laying flat on your back on the floor. Take a deep breath in, then exhale. As you do this, feel the tension go out through the bottoms of your feet. Then bend your knees and lift them both up towards your chest. Next, hold on to your knees with your hands, or if you can, wrap your arms around your knees. Your legs will probably be most comfortable on each side of your body. As you do this, pull your knees towards you and hold this position. Breathe normally and with each exhale, imagine your lower back flat against the floor. This will relax the muscles of the lower back while also stretching some of the tiny muscles of the hip joint. You can enjoy this relaxing position for several minutes.

The next stretch is a basic straddle that is often done in gymnastics or in martial arts. The point of this stretch is to loosen any tension in the inner part of the thigh muscles. It is very important that you do not force this position, as there are large tendons here that are not as elastic as the muscles they are connected to. For this stretch, you sit on the floor and place your legs in a "V" shape to each side. It is important that you only spread you legs until you start to feel some tension on the inside of your thighs and no more. Next, place the palms of your hands flat on the floor in front of you to support your body. Then you will start the stretch by leaning forward with your head and body until you feel a good stretch in your inner thighs. Once you have found a good position, hold this and breathe in a slow and relaxed way, imagining with each exhalation that your muscles are stretching just a little bit more. Remember not to bounce here!

Now on to two exercises that are simple to do, but deceptively difficult if you are not accustomed to strengthening your core. The first exercise focuses on the core muscles, especially the abdominals, but can work on upper arms, thighs, buttocks and back if these are not strong. For those of you familiar with yoga, the first exercise I am going to describe is known as "the plank". For those who have not practiced yoga, it is easiest to start laying face down on the floor. Place the palms of your hands on each side of your shoulders and flat against the floor so that your forearms are also flat against the floor. Curl your toes so that you are on the balls of your feet as well. Next, lift your weight up onto your forearms and palms, lifting your entire body down to your feet, and hold this position. You will find that you need to pull your abdominal muscles tight in order to maintain this position. Breathe as normally as possible for at least 15 normal breaths. As your strength increases, you can also increase the time that you hold this position.

The last exercise is known in yoga as "the bridge." You begin by laying on your back with your knees bent and your feet flat on the floor. Your arms should also be flat on the floor to either side of your body. Next, you will press the soles of your feet into the ground and you lift your hips in the air until your weight is resting only on your feet and your upper back/shoulders. You will find that you need to press your gluteus muscles up towards the ceiling to maintain a straight position. Breathe and hold this position as you did for the plank.

By doing these stretches and exercises, men will find that they can increase their endurance for thrusting and women can increase their ability to press their hips up against their partner to match their thrusts. Stretching also helps take the pressure off of the lower back for both men and women and increases the comfort of maintaining sexual positions for longer periods of time. Remember that good sex starts with taking care of yourself first.

What Makes for Great Sex?

2010-03-17T10:39:00.019-04:00

People always seem to be in search of "great sex." Magazine and blogs are filled with articles about the few simple things that you can do that make it happen for you. And the way they promote these 'sex tips' are as if there is some secret information that can be imparted and you will magically start having "great sex." The problem is that the idea of "great sex" is subjective and changes from person to person. In fact, a study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality in 2009 explains just how "great sex" is less dependent on actual physical functioning and more about your ability to let go and enjoy the moment.

Of course, the predominant messages repeated about what we need to have "great sex" focus on making us feel insecure and lacking. Pharmaceutical companies only gain to benefit if you believe that their pill can make your experience more pleasurable for you and your partner. And media can continue to sell you their '7 things you must know' articles just in case you weren't in the know.

But the study, entitled "The components of optimal sexuality: A portrait of "great sex"," presents different ideas for us to consider. The elements of what makes "great sex," according to their participants, is not what the pharmaceutical companies and the makers of male-enhancement formulas would like you to believe. Instead, they came up with 8 major components of one's sex life that are crucial to the experience of "great sex." These are experienced by way of letting go, being true to oneself, and taking risks. The 8 components are:

1. Being present, focused and embodied. This refers to having a calm mind that is not constantly analyzing what is going on, but instead, just experiencing every moment to the fullest of your ability. "You are the situation."

2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch. Described in different ways, this refers to the feeling of being one with your partner - where you literally feel that there is no difference between your bodies. Some have described this as feeling "with" the other person.

3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. This includes a deep caring for the other person, trust, genuine acceptance and admiration and deep mutual respect. This is opening up and knowing that you will be taken care of and accepted.

4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. This requires partners to be able to really listen to what the other is saying, both verbally and non-verbally. It becomes an automatic attention to detail where touch is an erotic form of communication and there is an understanding and appreciation of the other person's experience.

5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. This is what it means to be your true self, as opposed to who you think other people expect you to be. It allows you to give yourself up to your pleasure without censoring yourself.

6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. In this component, you are transported as if you have hypnotized yourself, so that everything else melts away - time, your surroundings, noises - so that all you experience is your pleasure and your partner.

7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. When you allow yourself to have fun and truly explore who you are sexually, your experience of sex takes on a new level that is not dependent on the physical.

8. Vulnerability and surrender. When you are able to give yourself up to your partner, there is no hesitation. One feels completely free, and what may have previously been scary is now extremely erotic.

There are many people who are enjoying these components of "great sex" but do not match with the media and pharmaceutical companies' very physically based idea of rock-hard erections or instant lubrication. Our ability to experience intense sexual pleasure as human beings relies on things above and beyond the animal world - our ability to experience a moment, a connection, a sharing, an understanding, and fun.

How Anxiety Messes-Up Sex

2010-03-14T21:36:00.015-04:00

In my practice, I have to say that upwards of 80% of the difficulties that people have with their sex lives and sexual functioning is rooted in anxiety. Most of the work I do is teaching people how to let go of their anxiety and just allow themselves to experience pleasure. From vaginismus, to premature ejaculation, to erectile dysfuntion in the absence of physical problems, to arousal difficulties in women - to name a few, all these are based in anxiety. The interesting thing about anxiety is that, although many people would admit that they have anxiety, many don't understand how it could interfere with their sexual arousal and performance. So I would like to take a couples of lines to speak about how anxiety interferes with sex.

Anxiety (or stress, nervousness, worry, or fear) is a natural part of life. Without a little anxiety, there would be little motivation to get things done or any sign to tell us that we are in danger. Anxiety is a way of alerting the body and mind that it should take some action. In order to understand just how anxiety works, it is important to explain the body's autonomic system. This is the part of the nervous system that is not under our voluntary control. It is divided into the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic nervous system is the one that is charged with our regenerative functions. It is the dominant system when we are digesting our food, sleeping, and maintaining our internal organs. It is opposed by the sympathetic nervous system, more commonly known as the "fight or flight response." When we are in danger and the sympathetic nervous system takes over, blood is diverted away from the internal organs and instead sent to the large voluntary muscles that allow us to take immediate physical action. It does this by constricting the blood vessels that supply our internal organs and raising our blood pressure. The heart beats faster to get the blood to the arms and legs, and the lungs breathe shallower and faster. These two parts of the autonomic nervous system directly oppose each other - the sympathetic system taking over quickly when danger (anxiety) is perceived. The difficulty is that our brain perceives our own anxious thoughts as signals of danger, and we respond physically with our sympathetic nervous system.

But what many people do not know is that sexual arousal is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system. It is important for the body and the mind to relax in order to have physical manifestations of sexual excitation. During arousal, blood flow to the pelvis and genitals increases when the blood vessels relax. This results in an erection for men and increased blood to the prostate, and in engorgement of the clitoris and other spongy tissue as well as lubrication in women.

With anxiety, these blood vessels constrict and sufficient blood cannot flow to the appropriate tissues. Different people are affected by anxiety at different levels. For some, a little is all it takes. It could be as simple and telling yourself "What if I don't get aroused?" Some wonder if their partner is attracted to them or if they will be pleased. Others try to will themselves to get aroused - which is counter to what the brain is trying to do.

The most important thing is to learn how to calm your own anxiety. Learning to soothe yourself and turn your negative thoughts into more positive and motivating thoughts is the way to achieve mastery over anxiety. Many people try to medicate their anxiety away or seek sexual enhancement agents to override their anxiety. This very often comes with side effects, or can result in a physical or psychological dependence. But learning how to decrease our anxiety takes effort, practice, and time. Unfortunately, our society seems to be moving more and more to instant gratification without taking responsibility or effort. But for those who would like to re-establish balance in their lives, be no longer ruled by anxiety, and not have to depend on medications for their sexual arousal and pleasure - I am there for you.

Positions for Mind-Blowing Orgasms

2010-03-10T21:56:00.009-05:00

I believe that most people have the potential to explore what positions they find most pleasurable and stimulating. All you need is some playfulness, curiosity, and willingness to experiment. Because there are slight variations in anatomy including size, shape, and sensitivity, what works very well for one person, may not be so great for another. Oftentimes, what is required is some trial and error with the understanding that not everything is going to work. Many people hold themselves back by shying away from this experimentation, but it is really the best way to learn about yourself and about how you and your anatomy works with your particular partner.

A good starting point is often a list of different ideas to choose from. I was recently asked to suggest some positions that would enhance the sexual experience, particularly for women. You can see these along with some other great positions at "Top 10 Sex Positions for Mind-Blowing Orgasms" at SheKnows.com .

Distorted View of Women's Bodies

2010-03-04T00:45:00.015-05:00

I am both a very visual and very sexual person. Consequently, I enjoy watching porn on occasion. Let's face it, porn is visually stimulating, erotic, and allows a person to expand their fantasy life. But I am conscious of the importance of balance in using these images for our health and well-being.

We already know that viewing porn on a regular basis changes our ideas of what we consider attractive. We adjust our view of what we consider acceptable or desirable to match what is put out there by the media - in this case, porn. We also tend to place value in the images we see when they are reinforced by being presented as exciting, desirable, and sexy. This is accomplished by the immediately aroused response seen in porn actors. I'm not saying that some of them are not enjoying their work, but at the end of the day, they are actors playing a fictional role.

It's interesting to see how porn is shaping the view of what we consider attractive or sexy. First, let's consider breasts. If you look at a comparison of Playboy centerfolds from the 1960's to now, you see a large difference not only in size, but in the shape of breasts as well. Whereas years ago it was very common to see teardrop-shaped breasts, nowadays, breasts are usually very round and seem to defy gravity. It's obvious that very round breasts look more like a pregnant woman's breast - full of milk and ready to lactate. But they also may be an indicator of sexual excitement, since breasts can increase in volume from 25 - 30% when a woman gets aroused. It also seems that surgically enhanced breasts take more of the shape that natural breasts do when a woman is laying on her back - not an uncommon position for sex. Certainly, there are some beautiful surgically enhanced breasts out there. But our society's expectation of these as the standard is what seems dangerous. In some South American countries women can even have their government-sponsored health care pay for elective breasts implants (not related to mastectomy or an accident). This is how important it has become in our culture.

If we continue our travels a little southwards (on the female figure), we notice there have been major changes in the landscaping. Where there used to be anywhere from a full bush to a neatly trimmed little patch, now it's much more common to find the absence of bush altogether. This works very well for porn if you don't want anything obstructing your camera shot. It probably makes clean up after the money shot a bit easier as well. But pubic hair has always been one of the physical characteristics that distinguishes women from girls. So where is society going with this? How did completely shaved become the norm?

Perhaps the most disturbing trend, however, is the desire for some women to "beautify" their labia by surgical reduction. Could porn also be promoting labiaplasty? This procedure involves removing a triangle-shaped wedge from the middle of the labia, then pulling the rest together and suturing it up. (Imagine a pie slice coming out from the middle of a half-circle). This creates smaller, tighter labia. And since the edges of the labia minora are usually darker than the rest, the removal of a large part of this edge results in the appearance of lighter-colored labia. In order to create a uniform, more natural look, surgeons will often also remove part of the clitoral hood when performing a labiaplasty. The surgeons who perform labiaplasty suggest that women who have large or uneven labia should feel embarrassed with a sexual partner and that the surgery would correct this. Perhaps an understanding of what genitals actually look like would correct this without the risk of side effects from surgery. If women are comparing themselves to women they see in porn movies and skin mags, they are not getting a real view of what average and normal are. Instead, I hear of 16 year-old girls already thinking that they are "not normal" and need to "get fixed" because they think their labia are too big.

My question is how far are we going to go? Is it porn driving this distorted view of women's bodies that society seems to be adopting? How are "Hollywood" plastic surgeons contributing to this by referring to their procedures as "the Barbie" (disturbing). We are not far from that plasticine figure that has exaggerated proportions and shape, and most notably has the absence of pubic hair or defined genitals. How distorted will we allow our vision of natural and beautiful to become?

Masturbation Does Not Equal Failure

2010-02-25T15:28:00.003-05:00

In speaking to people about masturbation, one of my favorite ~~activities~~ topics, I find that many people equate masturbation with failure. They interpret the action of masturbating as a reminder that they do not have a partner, or are not getting satisfied with their partner. Consider, as well, the way that we are taught about masturbation - that it is unnatural, against nature, and a sin - usually by way of religious education. Our public opinion is so averse to masturbation that our government would fire a Surgeon General for not suggesting, but just agreeing with the idea that teaching masturbation to teenagers might reduce the incidence of risky sexual behavior. This, of course, was from President Clinton - who might have done better to engage in a little masturbation, in private, rather than oral sex and outer sex with a woman other than his wife. A little masturbation could have saved taxpayers the $6 or $7 million dollars that were spent investigating him.

By viewing masturbation as a failure, we are refusing to take responsibility of our own sexuality and our own sexual pleasure. The rejection of masturbation as an acceptable activity assumes that we depend on others for sexual satisfaction. By doing this, we imprison ourselves and give away the key. This means that not only does happiness in our sex life rely on having a partner, but also requires that our partner be ready, willing, and able whenever we want. For those of us living in the real world, we know that this is not always the case. In fact, for the majority of women, sexual intercourse alone does not provide enough excitement or stimulation to acheive orgasm. But with lessons learned from masturbating, women can explore with their partner different ways to provide the needed stimulation by teaching their partner to stimulate them, or by stimulating themselves manually during intercourse.

Masturbation can also be a very erotic activity to engage in with your partner. Many couples enjoy watching each other get off, while others like to get their partners off. It can be part of the beginning, middle, or end of an evening of sexual activity. Remember, there is no set format for sex unless you limit yourself to one. The only failure I see here is if a person fails to allow themselves maximal pleasure and variety in their sexual activities.

Some would argue that masturbation is not natural and is an abomination. This is to ignore the fact that masturbation is an activity that we teach ourselves and is found to occur even before birth in the womb. The extreme negative view is more indicative of other people's insecurities and neuroses rather than the reality of the natural process of masturbation. And especially for women, who have the clitoris which serves no other function than to give pleasure, it is clear that we were built for more than just reproduction.

Perhaps the biggest misconception is that we should not engage in masturbation if we do not have a partner, but instead just let our natural sexual desires shrivel away over time. Some view masturbation so negatively that they would rather completely ignore the entirety of their sexuality than to engage in masturbation. Again, here is the reverberation of the idea that in order to be sexual, you must have a partner. In my opinion, this is to sell yourself short. By doing so, you ignore all of the physical and psychological benefits of having regular sexual arousal and satisfaction. Instead of viewing masturbation as failure, I see it as a proactive, healthy affirmation and reinforcement of our sexual self. It supports healthy physiology for our brains as well as our bodies.

The Breasts as a Pathway to Pleasure

2010-02-17T21:37:00.010-05:00

Breasts are amazing creatures with complete lives of their own. They come in all different sizes, shapes, and sensitivities. Some point straight ahead, others seem to veer out to the sides. Some need a little support, and others seem to defy gravity (and I'm not talking about implants). Some have small and tight areolas, while others have large areolas that cover almost one third of the area of the breast. Some women's nipples are very prominent always, and some only when stimulated or sucked. Some women even have inverted nipples that resemble little dimples which may or may not pop out when stimulated. Breasts function, of course, to provide milk for newborns and infants. But for women, they do so much more. They are the source of great frustration if they develop late, and the source of great envy if they develop early. Some women are shy about their breasts and develop hunched-over shoulders to hide them, while others feel their breasts are powerful and hold them high. I even have a friend who refers to hers as "breasticles." Women feel so differently about their breasts, and even their own feelings about their breasts change throughout their life.

What I am here to discuss today is the way that breasts enhance our sexual pleasure. It's obvious that if you are someone attracted to breasts (man or woman), looking at breasts can be arousing - especially if they are bouncing, or have goosebumps, or are wet coming out of the shower....you get the picture. The fact is that stimulation of the breasts is wonderful way to increase your arousal, and possibly the intensity of your orgasms. Sensitivity can vary quite a bit from woman to woman, with smaller breasts on average being more sensitive than larger breasts. Also, when there is breast surgery, sensitivity can be impaired - either reduced or almost eliminated completely. This usually depends on whether the surgery allows for preservation of the fourth intercostal nerve which is responsible for the nipple-areola area. Surgery aside, breast sensitivity in pre-menopausal women varies with their menstrual cycle, with the time between ovulation and the start of flow being the most sensitive period. Some women even find their breasts too sensitive to touch in the days just before starting their period.

Many people are aware that when women are breastfeeding, they experience contraction of their uterus that can vary in intensity from pleasurable to painful. The body achieves this through the hormone oxytocin, which is released when the breasts and nipples are stimulated. This can alarm some women who find themselves feeling sexually aroused while nursing, but it is a natural phenomenon that is not dependent on erotic thought. This release of oxytocin with breast and nipple stimulation happens in women that are not nursing as well. Oxytocin release is also responsible for the nipple becoming erect with excitement and stimulation, caused by contraction of smooth muscle underneath the skin of the areola which pulls on the overlying skin creating a goosebump-like effect. As the breasts continue to receive stimulation, oxytocin continues to be released into the bloodstream, which has it's most intense effects within the first 5 minutes after release, but can continue to increase contractions for up to an hour. But as breast stimulation continues, so does release of oxytocin. What this translates into is more intense uterine orgasms as well as the feeling of having your whole body involved in your orgasm. Also, about 1% of women can experience an orgasm just from having their breasts and nipples stimulated, which is called the oxytocin pathway to orgasm. Oxytocin is also responsible for that tingly feeling after sexual arousal and/or orgasm, as well as a sense of sexual satisfaction.

Usually stimulation is most intense when started off slow with gentle pressure, building up as the excitement level increases. Breasts can increase about 25-30% when a woman becomes sexually aroused, and as the stimulation continues, more intense pressure, sucking, pinching, nibbling, etc. can be tolerated. The increased blood flow to the breasts during stimulation also accounts for the pleasure of movement with the motion of intercourse. So we see how the breasts are a pathway to pleasure to be savored and experimented with, providing women with stronger orgasms, and wonderful feelings of whole-body involvement in their sexual experience.

Questioning Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T08:36:00.004-05:00

I feel compelled to comment on Valentine's Day, but I find myself having great difficulty writing about it. I do not object to the acknowledgment of our loved ones and reminding them of how special they are to us. But I find that for many people, it has become the source of rigid expectations, judgment, and anxiety. And to this, I do object.

For those wanting some background history, Valentine's Day started off as a pagan Roman festival designed to bring about purification, health, and fertility. Lupercalia (as it was called) involved animal sacrifices and some slapping of women with blood-stained strips of goat hide in a belief that this increased their fecundity (Freud would have a field day!). Likewise, there was sprinkling of this sacrificial blood on the crop fields in the belief that this would yield a larger harvest. There was also an interesting lottery that would take place which paired off the eligible singles as sexual partners for the next year, hoping this would end in marriage. When the Catholic church came around, it saw fit to change this festival to a more tame one. And so they convinced the converts that it was to be a remembrance of Saint Valentine, a martyr who displayed the ideal of agape (Christian love). Human beings, having the sexual nature that they do, brought this back to a celebration of romantic love and pursuit of a lover or partner.

Capitalism has done a wonderful job of promoting the "gifts" standard such that Valentine's Day generates about $15 billion dollars in US retail sales. It ranks first for fresh flower sales, second for the sale of greeting cards, and third for chocolate sales. And along with this, many people feel obligated to participate by both judging others and being judged based on complying with these "standards." If you find yourself thinking that a Valentine's Day gift means that a person loves you, or the opposite - if you do not receive a gift, it means they don't really love you - then you are participating in this harsh capitalist game. In fact, I believe that the obligation some feel to give gifts, or go out for dinner, etc., actually takes away from the significance of any such gift. I prefer my partner surprise me on a random day to tell me (truthfully and without coercion) that he loves me, rather than have him do it because he is being told that he should. Likewise, in the matter of sex, there is unduly pressure for couples to "make love" and have it go exactly as planned. But for many couples, this creates more anxiety than amorous desire. Although I believe that everyone should be having a satisfying and active sex life, it should be the result of readiness in the relationship, and not from an artificial and arbitrary expectation.

So do you find yourself suffering from considerable anxiety to "perform", "put out", "deliver", or "come through" just because it's Valentine's Day? Are you spending more money than you can realistically afford? How do you define yourself and your relationship with your partner? Do you find yourself concerned more with having all the details of the day exactly follow a predetermined plan such that you risk upsetting your partner? I think it would be more genuine and create a lot less anxiety if we went back to the time of cutting out hearts on red construction paper and writing a small note inside. A small, personal gesture is often more intimate and more genuine than something more extravagant and commercial.

Kissing as an Event

2010-02-08T10:59:00.005-05:00

Was kissing ever an event for you? Or was it always a means to an end - something to be pushed along faster and faster to escalate to sex? The challenge now is to slow ourselves down with the goal of rediscovering the magic of kissing. This help us take the focus off of intercourse and reconnect with the excitement of gentle touching. Here is a wonderful example of kissing for the sake of kissing:

"I remember when I was about 12 or 13 years old, there was a boy in the neighborhood my same age who took a liking to me - and I to him. We would meet in the afternoons after school and spend hours talking and exploring. What I remember the most were the hours that we would spend kissing slowly. It seemed like those kisses would go on forever and were magical. Every detail was savored like it was an entire experience unto itself. His lips did not hesitate, but they did not push. It was like a perfect dance of kissing and being kissed. His tongue was present, but waiting to explore mine quietly and tenderly. As I would slide the tip of my tongue over his, it seemed like a whole new depth to our kisses that reverberated in my chest. As he would press against my lips, it would serve only to increase my hunger for another kiss to reclaim the feeling. We could go on like that for hours and were never hurried to move on to other things. The kissing was satisfying enough. To this day, I cannot remember his face, but only his mouth."

Kissing is a very intimate form of communication. Through a kiss, one person tells another how open they are to them, how relaxed they are, how present they are. When we kiss, we take in our partner's scent, their breath, their being. Because our lips have about 200 times the nerve endings that our fingertips have, they are much more sensitive to light touch and pressure. If done with intention, kissing is one of the most sensual experiences that you can share with another. There is a reason why the Kama Sutra goes on to discourse about some 30 different types of kisses. Kissing also decreases our stress as it reduces the amount of cortisol (stress hormone) that we have circulating through our bodies. And it is one of the best ways to boost oxytocin in men, which increases bonding. But too often, we forget about the mystery and magic of kissing and we gloss over the importance of kissing. We become accustomed to using kissing merely as a prelude to further sexual activity and we forget how it used to create wonderment and tremendous excitement in us.

Did you ever have a time when you would just kiss your partner for hours with the only goal being the enjoyment of the kissing itself? Reconnecting to the joy of kissing is a wonderful way to heighten the excitement between you and add variety to your sex life. So in preparation for Valentine's Day, take some time out just for kissing. Make kissing an event. Try an evening of kissing, without moving on to sex, just kissing. Immerse yourself in your partners lips, tongue, cheeks, and caresses. Explore kissing their face, behind their ears, over their eyes and forehead. And deliberately kiss your partner slowly to feel each movement in their mouth and tongue. In the end, our mind controls what is pleasing to us and what we choose to focus on. Kissing can be an activity all on its own that can be slow, deliberate, and take up hours. You can get lost in the feel of your partner's lips softly pressing against yours. You can marvel at touching their tongue with yours as you move slow to feel every passing moment. You can allow yourself to get lost in the moment. You can make kissing an event.

Safe Oral Sex

2010-02-03T14:41:00.016-05:00

Some people happen to be more microbial-conscious than others. I tend to be very microbial-conscious as a function of my very dramatic microbiology teacher in medical school. That being the case, I often ask people about what they do for safe sex. The knee-jerk response is always "condoms," but I'm concerned with the amount of people who don't consider the necessity to have safe oral sex. Not only is this important for new partners or anyone you are not "sure" of, but also for people with known conditions such as herpes. There are safe ways to have hot sex!

For safe oral sex, the off-label use of dental dams was the gold standard for a long time. A dental dam is a rectangular piece of thin latex that dentists use during dental procedures to have their work nice and neat. It prevents bacteria or viruses from the patient infecting the dentist, as well as prevents debris from falling back into the patient's mouth, and it creates a barrier that is easily folded up after the procedure is complete. This has been very cleverly translated into use for oral sex by providing a barrier that prevents passage of bacteria or viruses, but is thin and flexible enough to allow for a good amount of stimulation.

Since this was so brilliant, the sex dam was created. This is also a rectangular piece of latex, but is especially thin and usually transparent or translucent. Both of these qualities enhance the experience for both the giver and the receiver, which is the whole point, isn't it? Sex dams are also a little longer than dental dams, so they can cover more area - such as the entire vulva and anus - at the same time.

To use either one, you simply unfold it completely and place it over the area you wish to devour. You will find that if you use some water-based lubricant on the receiving side, the feeling is more realistic and intense for them. Although some people recommend lube on both sides, I always felt that saliva in my mouth was more appealing than lube, but the choice is yours. It is important to keep the dental dam from sliding around too much, and this can be done by using your hands to hold each side of the dam against the tops of the thighs or the buttocks. This allows you to explore the area completely with your tongue and lips, but not having actual contact with bodily fluids or tissues that could carry the risk of infection. Remember that since the dental dams are made of latex, you should only use water-based lubricants since any others would cause a breakdown of the latex, similar to condoms.

Speaking of condoms, what to do if you don't have a dental dam? Another popular trick is to use a latex condom and just cut it to size. In order to do this, you first completely unroll the condom. Next, you cut off the rounded tip. Lastly, you cut it lengthwise down the shaft and you are left with a latex rectangle. It is a little smaller size than a dental dam, but it does the trick. It works best if you use plain condoms that do not already have lube or spermicide on them so as not to gunk up your scissors. You can always add your water-based lube after you're done cutting. If you're really in a jam, you can also use a latex glove by cutting straight across just below the fingers (except the thumb), then open it by cutting straight up on the opposite side to the thumb. Some find this variation useful in that they can stick their tongue in the thumb opening for greater range of motion. You can also use the left-over fingers for anal play.

There is also the happy-housewife substitute for the dental dam - plastic wrap. Yes that familiar transparent wrap that your are tempted to dress yourself in and surprise your partner with when they come home. But if you want to use plastic wrap, you do have to be a little cautious. You need to ensure that you have the NON-Microwavable type because this type is non-porous. The microwavable type is too porous and lets in bacteria and viruses, therefore defeating the purpose of using it in the first place.

Most condom shops and sites sell sex dams and dental dams. You can also buy dental dams from dental supply stores or sites. Dental dams come in different thicknesses, from thin (0.125mm) to extra heavy (0.5mm). They even come flavored too, if you like. For those people with latex allergies, there are dental dams available that are made of silicone as well. There are lots to choose from, so no excuses. Be prepared, and enjoy safe oral sex.

How do I masturbate? Let me count the ways....

2010-01-30T16:43:00.011-05:00

Hers:

I cross my legs and squeeze my thigh muscles together which tickles my clit. I like the way it feels and I don't necessarily have to come.

I love to straddle the water jet in the pool, resting my arms over the top of the wall and just hold my body close to side until the water over my pussy in just the right spot gives me an orgasm.

When I lay down in my bed, I tuck the sheet under my hips and pull it through my legs until it's tight against my pussy. Then I tug it across my belly, up towards my chest. It puts pressure on my clitoris and makes me come.

A friend of mine told me about a shower massager. I bought a hand-held one and tried different settings until I found one I liked. I just let it spray across my clit and lips. Sometimes when I come, the water goes everywhere.

I can only come if a I use a vibrator. It takes a little while with the vibrator at a pretty high setting and in one spot, but it does the trick.

I use two fingers to rub up and down over my clit while I rub across my nipples with the other hand.

When I was little, I discovered that I could put my hips under the water stream and it tickled just right. So now, I lay myself flat in the tub, putting my legs up against the wall and let the water run over my pussy. I use my hand to pull the little hood up and it gets me right off.

I like to come best with something inside me, so I use a dildo to feel the excitement of having my pussy full while I rub my pussy with my hand.

I use a vibrator and slide it up and down my lips for awhile. Then, when I am really excited, I find the most sensitive area up at the top and focus on that spot. My orgasm spreads like a wave from that spot down my legs and up into my chest.

His:

I like to dig my fingers on the underside of my shaft, rubbing in a circle until I come.

Rubbing against the bed while I lay on my belly is my favorite way - literally, rubbing one off.

I use a sleeve filled up with lube - soft, wet, and with ridges, and I can squeeze as tight as I want.

The most intense feeling for me is just below the head, so I squeeze around with my index finger and thumb. The feeling of this tightness going up over my head and back down again lets me think of pushing in and out of my lover.

I use one hand on my shaft while the other hand cups and tugs my balls at the same time.

I started liking the feeling of having my ass stimulated when a girlfriend of mine starting touching me there. Now I have a small plug that I put in so that when I masturbate I can feel the squeezing of the muscles at the same time I feel the rush of coming.

In the shower with the hot water, I use shampoo to soap up and rub all over my hard-on all the way down to the base and my balls. When I come, I just keep washing myself off.

I used to press my erection up against the washing machine when it was on the spin cycle. My mom never figured out why I didn't mind doing laundry.

Sexual behavior in sleep - Sexomnia

2010-01-26T20:27:00.010-05:00

Most people have heard of sleepwalking, but how many of you have heard about "sleepsex?" This is an actual condition, also known by the terms "sexual behavior in sleep", or "sexomnia." It refers to any sexual behavior that happens while the person is asleep of which the person has no memory. It is thought to affect only about 1% of the population and has been reported mostly in men. These episodes have been reported to last anywhere from a few seconds to up to 30 minutes. And the sexual activities involved range from loud moaning, to masturbation, to touching and kissing a partner, or attempts at having sex. There also seems to be a large range in the intensity of the behavior, but some instances of rape as well as violent masturbation resulting in bruising have been reported. Usually, partners of sexomniacs report that their partners were not responsive to them or seemed "very distant."

Although there have been earlier references to such behavior in literature, actual studies on sleepsex did not exist before the mid-1990s. In order to better understand sexomnia, researchers conducted sleep studies on self-reported sexomniacs. What they found was that these subjects had an interruption in moving from one stage of sleep to another. It was during this interruption in the progression of the brain wave activity from one stage of sleep to another that the sex behavior took place. Since this has been demonstrated, it is now considered a medical condition rather than a psychological one. Interestingly enough, researchers found that many of the subjects reporting sexomnia had experienced it for years but had never reported it. Oftentimes it was considered embarrassing and, since so few people were aware of it, may not have seemed worthy of reporting to their doctor. Perhaps the most important reason to bring it to medical attention is that it is a treatable condition, very commonly responding to benzodiazepines such as Valium or Klonopin. Interestingly, researchers found that sexomnia is worsened by alcohol, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and stress.

For some, sexomnia is an amusing occurrence that seldom happens. But for others, it can be quite disruptive, and as mentioned before, even violent. There have been cases of such violent masturbation that individuals would unknowingly cause themselves physical harm. They would not realize this until they woke up. Others have found that they have fondled others in the home without knowing. Because of this, it is considered the person's responsibility to seek medical treatment - in order to prevent any untoward consequences. Also, one needs to consider the difficulty it creates for the person's bed partner. Their sleep becomes interrupted doing these occurrences as well, which over time will seriously affect your physical and mental health.

Understanding the Efficiency of the Body and Mind - Sexual Boredom

2010-01-24T11:05:00.008-05:00

It's not uncommon to find ourselves asking the question "How come things aren't working the way I want them to?" In life, we have greater success when we understand the rules of the game and use our energy to work with the system than against the system. It is using the rules of the game to our advantage. This is the basis of Taoism - working with the harmony of the universe rather than against it. In few places is this as evident to us as in the human body and mind. The human body and mind work in concert together in the most efficient manner possible. This is our natural design meant to utilize the least amount of energy for living. If we have an understanding of the way our body and mind work, we can use this information to achieve greater success and happiness.

So what is meant by efficiency of the human body and mind? This refers to the body's attempt at learning and becoming accustomed to regular states and behaviors at all levels - organ systems, tissues, and cells. One such example of this is the concept of muscle memory. If you do a particular activity repeatedly - such as reach for the alarm clock in the morning - your body learns the exact muscle movements in the approximate position by trial and error. Eventually there is very little thinking or calculating involved in reaching for the alarm when it goes off. In this way, your brain is being more efficient in directing your body's movements. This is an energy saver for your brain - metabolically economic for your body. But it can work against you if you turn it off when you're half-asleep and sleep through the morning.

Another example of efficiency of the human body is evident when it comes to exercise and nutrition. If we start a particular exercise routine - let's use the elliptical machine as an example - at first, we tend to burn more calories and the muscles we are using will get sore. But if we continue with this regular routine, our body will build up those muscles just enough to prevent muscle fatigue (no more than that) and make sure those muscles are supplied with just enough energy stores in the form of glycogen to get the job done. It won't build up the muscles or keep more energy available than it thinks it will need. At that point, you will start to burn less calories with the same activity and find that your have reached a plateau with either your muscle build up or your weight loss. Many people get very frustrated when they reach this point because they don't realize that this is the natural way their body works, and so they don't know where to go from there. But if you are aware of this, you can change your workout routine to a different motion (like the treadmill or the stationary bike) or change the intensity (like intervals instead of constant pace) without decreasing your caloric intake for continued muscle building or weight loss. This is the reason why many people change their workout routine every 3 months or so.

Now how does all of this apply to sex, you ask? Well, this constant striving towards efficiency occurs with experiences and familiar situations too. We quickly become accustomed to patterns that occur repeatedly so that we can process the information more quickly. Our brain's default is to actually pays less attention to things that are familiar to us because it matches it up to memories and established patterns. This helps us understand better the issue of sexual boredom. If something is familiar to us, our brain actually pays less attention to it and looks for new or different information to focus on. Even though this is the default position for our brain, we can still choose to focus our attention on something familiar, but it takes more energy and effort to do this. Many couples will interpret this decrease in attention and excitement to a familiar person or situation as no longer being attracted to their partner, or no longer desiring their partner. They expect the same stimulus to produce the same excitement that they felt when they first met this person or were learning about their partner. If we don't understand what our brain is doing, we may look to leave our partners, assuming that the boredom is related to the person and relationship rather than to how our brain naturally operates.

What this means for our sex life is that it does take effort and energy to keep ourselves interested and excited. Not only can we focus our attention on our partners in ways that our brain takes for granted, but we can also change the environment to create a higher level of attention and excitement. This is why introducing a little role play, or exchanging some fantasy material with your partner, or even doing it in a different room of the house can put a dent in sexual boredom. Something unexpected raises our level of attention and excitation. Now that we understand a little better how our brain works, remember that if you stick to the new stimuli, you will quickly become accustomed to this too. If you decided to watch a porn with your partner to spice things up, you may find that trying it once and then putting it away for a couple of months will work out better than watching it now every time you want to have sex. If you watch it every time, then it will become boring and predictable as well. Just think of a good movie that you saw in the theater: if it comes on tv and it's been awhile since you saw it, you might find it interesting to watch again. But if you start watching it everyday, you will tune it out and start looking for other things instead. It's the same thing with sex. One strategy to use with your sex life is building up your capacity for fantasy and using that with your partner. For example, if you watched a porn together that was very exciting, instead of watching it over and over again, whisper to your partner what he or she found exciting about it while you're having sex: "Remember when they did so-and-so?" or "It was so intense when she was doing xyz!" In this way you are working with your brain for increased excitement in your sexual relationship rather than working against it.

New G-spot Study - Deconstructed

2010-01-19T19:43:00.009-05:00

Do you think that you have a G-spot? No? Oh well, I guess then it doesn't really exist!

If the above sounds like a big leap in logic to you, then you are not alone. There has been so much buzz lately about the new study put out recently by researchers at King's College London that I just had to check it out. After reading through their article in the recent edition of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, I was very disturbed by the liberties they took in their assumptions. Because of this, I wanted to deconstruct their study here for you and give you the real story.

First of all, this study was not based on anatomical study, physiological tests, or histological or biochemical examination. This study was a survey study, which means they only asked women questions. They focused on twins - identical (monozygotic - MZ) and fraternal (dizygotic - DZ) to see if they would give similar responses to the question "Do you believe you have a so called G-spot, a small area the size of a 20p coin on the front wall of your vagina that is sensitive to deep pressure?" Since they found that about half of the time, twins gave the same answer (either "yes" or "no") and about half of the time, twins gave different answers, they concluded that there was no genetic base for self-reporting having a G-spot. (So far, so good.)

But they took this way too far when they stated that: "This supports the argument that a self-reported G-spot -- the popular conception of the G-spot -- does not appear to exist." They go on to say: "Our main conclusion is that there is no genetic basis to the self-reported G-spot, suggesting that the G-spot is rather a perception caused by non-physiological factors that can cause a heightened sexual sensation." This means that they are suggesting that just because twins can't agree on their opinion of whether they have a G-spot or not, that if we think we have one, it must just be in our minds. They also self-proclaim their study to be a "substantial contribution to the current debate on the existence of the G-spot." I agree that it is contributing to debate, but not to scientific evidence.

I think it is incorrect and irresponsible to suggest that the G-spot is "a perception caused by non-physiological factors" when there were no physiological studies done. Their goal was not to actually see if the G-spot exists, but to see if women perceive themselves to have one. They then use twins, falsely concluding that if both individuals in a set of twins report the same perception, that it has a genetic basis. But awareness does not equal existence. Many people are not aware of their Ligament of Treitz, but this does not mean they don't have one. They cannot scientifically make the jump from a self-report study to physical and anatomical evidence. That is not how science works.

They also go on to make some very silly conclusions about G-spots and orgasms. They expect that "if there was a G-spot, then it is reasonable to expect that women reporting one would have a higher rate of orgasm through penetration." How is it that they came to this assumption? This would mean that simply having vaginal penetration would automatically stimulate the G-spot enough for women to have an orgasm each time. But are they not aware that certain positions and angles are more conducive to stimulation of the G-spot than others? Maybe these women are not having sex in those positions or at those angles? Maybe they just have more orgasms from clitoral stimulation? There's nothing wrong about these differences.

They also happened to notice that some women who reported not having a G-spot still had vaginal orgasms. Because of this, they state that this "provides legitimate grounds to further question its existence." They completely ignore the fact that women can have vaginal orgasms by stimulation of the cervix via the hypogastric and pelvic nerves. That doesn't mean they don't have a G-spot. They may just be having vaginal orgasms with deeper penetration instead of with G-spot stimulation. C'mon people! Be real! (real scientists, that is!)

The Times Online (UK) wrote "Andrea Burri, who led the research, said she was anxious to remove feelings of “inadequacy or underachievement” that might affect women who feared they lacked a G-spot. “It is rather irresponsible to claim the existence of an entity that has never really been proven and pressurise women — and men, too,” she said. " Was she approaching this with a bias? This quote suggests that she fashioned a study and presented her results to confirm her directive, rather than draw logical and appropriate conclusions from her data. Unfortunately (for her, but not for us), her study does not disprove the existence of the G-spot.

Although I believe that trying to reduce women's anxiety (and men's too) about sexual performance and adequacy is an important goal, making these sweeping assumptions without physical evidence is not the way to do it. Instead, I believe that the way to reduce people's anxiety about sex is proper sex education, access to information, open-mindedness, and acceptance of the great variety of experiences that exists. These will do much more to advance our knowledge and our experience of sex, which has come a long way - but still has far to go.

There are some reasonable statements in their paper, such as "...it might be that objective measurement of anatomical variability is the only valid way to assess the actual existence of a G-spot." and that "Future studies investigating the G-spot should focus on anatomical assessment methods...." So I stick by my statement that they should stop asking so many questions and actually stick their fingers into women's vaginas if they really want to look for a G-spot. Otherwise, don't bother me with your questions.

Fractured Penis

2010-01-17T14:41:00.004-05:00

Yes, you can break your penis. It's called a penile fracture, but this is a misnomer because there is no bone to break. When a penis breaks, or ruptures, what happens is that the connective tissue (tunica albuginea) that surrounds the corpus cavernosum tears so that the blood can no longer be contained in the space that it occupies. The blood that was creating pressure inside the corpus cavernosum, and therefore an erection, then leaks out of that space to the surrounding tissues (more technically - a space). Here you can see an MRI of a fractured penis demonstrating the large hematoma caused by blood escaping into the surrounding space. Notice the small arrow indicating the tear in the tunica albuginea (seen as a thick black line). This results in what urologists call an "eggplant deformity" which is when the penis becomes swollen and takes on a purplish color because of the blood filling the space between the tissues. The penis is also usually bending to the opposite side of the tear. If the tear is large enough, it may actually extend to the urethra, causing inability to urinate and blood to come out of the tip.

So how exactly do you break your penis? Usually, a penile fracture happens when a woman is on top and the penis comes out of her vagina, but instead of going back into her vagina with the next movement, the head gets pushed against her pubic bone, the side of her labia, or the perineum, causing an acute 'bending.' If a man has a fairly full erection at the time, the tunica albuginea cannot take the incredible amount of pressure that builds up with the 'bend.' A tear is then created. There are cases where the penis does not completely come out of the vagina, but the angle of return is crooked, causing it to be forced to bend as just described. In all cases, an audible 'pop' or 'crack' is heard as the connective tissue tears and the erection is lost.

But there are some cases of penile fracture when a man is not having sexual intercourse, but instead just masturbating or even 'rearranging himself' and trying to move his erection to a different angle. If he is born with a slight flaw in a particular area of the connective tissue, that may be enough to get a tear at that spot, resulting in a fractured penis. It should be mentioned that there is a practice among some men to try to bend their penis in order to get rid of an erection. You should never try to bend your erection if it is fairly full because of the immense increase of pressure on these tissues and the risk of fracturing your penis. As you can imagine, it is an emergency and does require surgery to close up the tear in the tissues. With proper surgical attention, erectile and urinary function of the penis is restored.

After it heals, you can go back to banging away. Many times, men will feel very apprehensive about sexual activity after such an event. But as you continue to have positive (non-traumatic) sexual experiences, that anxiety continues to fade.

Create your own reality

2010-01-15T09:03:00.004-05:00

Where did you learn about your sexuality? Was it from friends at school? Was it from books in the library? Was it from porn magazine or movies? Was it from your parents or other family members? And what things in your life went on to shape your idea of sex and sexuality? Did you have partners that were patient, fun, and encouraging? Or were your partners critical, selfish and close-minded? All of these things contribute to how we think and feel about sex as well as how much we allow ourselves to enjoy and discover our sexuality.

Most importantly, all of these factors contribute to our expectations of sex - what we allow for ourselves versus what we exclude for ourselves (whether we do it knowingly or unknowingly). In fact, our expectations of ourselves have been found to be one of the most, if not the most, important determining factors in our response to sexual situations or stimulation. What this means is that we end up creating our own reality for ourselves. What we think is true will be true. And what we think is negative will be negative. It's what many people commonly refer to as a 'self-fulfilling prophecy.' If we believe that we have pleasure and excitement, then we have it. If we already believe that we do not enjoy a particular situation, then it becomes a negative experience for us.

The question then becomes - how can we have positive expectations about ourselves, our sexuality, our bodies, and our experiences? Many of us want to improve our sex life and our experiences and are seemingly open to this. But the sticking point here is that wanting it alone does not produce the results we are looking for. It goes much deeper than that. We may want something very badly for ourselves, but at the same time believe that we cannot have it. This happens because our beliefs about ourselves - what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, and what is good and what is dirty or bad - lies deep in our unconscious mind. Because of this, deep exploration often causes us anxiety or blocking of our true thoughts and feelings. A combination of mindfulness meditation and trial and error with a partner we trust is an excellent way to start unlocking those parts of ourselves. But this takes practice, relaxation, and taking a risk. To become more open to the entirety of our sexuality requires being able to tolerate the uncertainty of what we might find within our own minds. Too many times, this uncertainty causes us to leave the door to the vault of our unconscious mind tightly sealed. The first step is to believe that we do have this capacity inside of us already, and know that all aspects of ourselves contribute to the reality we create for ourselves. In what ways do you create your own reality?

The Risk of Intimacy

2010-01-10T21:22:00.004-05:00

I am here today to voice my opinion that in the last few decades, there has been a devolution of the word 'intimacy' to come to represent a form of coercion. Intimacy refers to a degree of closeness - as related to those family or friends who knew us well. It also refers to sexual relations between partners, as this is considered to be of the closest of personal interactions. But in the last 30 years or so, the field of psychology has taken this word and run with it - placing great importance in intimacy as being a mutual goal of couples. This has created an atmosphere of almost demanding that innermost thoughts and ideas be shared with one's partner, and vice versa, in an almost tit-for-tat fashion. It was touted as "mature" and "honest" to expose yourself on command if your partner asked it of you. But on closer examination, what this really encourages is manipulation, insecurity, and dependency between partners rather than enlightenment and trust. To demand that someone share their deepest and most personal thoughts and ideas with you because you are sharing yours with them is coercion and emotional intimidation. I think that society should be disabused of this implication that intimacy demands reciprocity.

'Intimacy' comes from the Latin word 'intimus' or 'intima', meaning "innermost or most secret." It refers to a degree of closeness, either emotional or physical. True intimacy comes from a person's desire to share themselves with someone in order to be known by that person. True intimacy, like love, is a gift that is given at great risk and without a guarantee that it will be well-received, or that the other person will do likewise. To be truly intimate, you are opening up a part of yourself to be known and explored. It is only a gift if it is given freely and not demanded. Otherwise, it is simply mitigation to a partner's request or plea. If it is not given freely, the situation breeds resentment because it is "taken" from you instead of "given" from you. This is not to say that a partner may choose to reciprocate and also be intimate with you in return. But again, the essential element here is choice.

The other point I want to make about intimacy is that it is not always helpful or desirable to share everything with your partner. Some of you may reel back at this suggestion, but I have no doubt in my mind that this is true. There are just some things that are neither helpful nor productive to know about our partners. This does not mean that we should not explore their true nature. But in the grand scheme of life, there are many details that would not enhance our relationship one iota and are better left unexplored. We should have trust in our partners that if they believe a detail of their life, or their thoughts or fantasies are important to the relationship with us, then they will eventually choose to share it with us. To take their lack of disclosure (because we implicitly or explicitly demand it) as evidence that they do not love us or trust us is more a reflection of our own insecurities than their level of closeness to us. One does not necessarily imply the other. Women are especially guilty of this offense because of our reliance on verbal communication. You can ask for intimacy, but you cannot demand it. A healthy and honest relationship develops because of a mutual desire to share with each other and grow closer together, but always as two distinct and separate people. The paradox of intimacy is that if you demand it, you will not get it, because of its very nature. So if you choose to give of yourself, do it without expectation of anything in return. This is the risk of intimacy.

Master of Your Domain

2010-01-06T20:19:00.009-05:00

Today I got into a very lively conversation on the topic of orgasm and masturbation. A friend of mine stated that she has never, and will never, masturbate. Instead, she wants her sexual satisfaction to come from a partner (in her case, a man). Trouble is, she doesn't have a partner, hasn't had one for some time, and isn't actively looking. So in the meantime, no orgasms for her.

Although she seemed to want to talk about sexual topics was in the pre-contemplation stage of checking out internet dating sites, she quickly dismissed any talk of masturbation. I went through my usual list of the benefits of orgasm: it increases your blood flow to your genitals, it feels good, it promotes relaxation, it feels good, it can be done without dependence on a partner or worries about catching a disease, it feels good, you can't get pregnant, it feels good. Still, she wouldn't hear of it.

Despite her objection to masturbation, I am a true believer and proponent of masturbation. I believe that it is natural and an excellent way to get to know yourself. How else will you know where to ask your partner to give extra-special attention to? Remember, everyone is different. What someone else learned with a different partner may not necessarily apply to you. You may need to give some directions. And if you've never figured out what you like and what gets you off, you could be waiting awhile for your partner to figure it out! Not that I'm against experimenting with a partner, but knowing yourself could cut down on the frustration. Plus, touching yourself helps you feel sexy as you realize that you can have such pleasure and enjoyment from different kinds of touch. And it's empowering to realize that you can do it by yourself!

This conversation with her reminded me that there are still so many myths and anxieties about masturbation, particularly for women. Here are some of the most common myths and the truth about masturbation:

Myth: It's a sin/dirty
Truth: Masturbation is a natural activity that can be found occurring as early as infancy. In fact, the clitoris only has one purpose, to feel good. It does not play any part in reproduction, except maybe increasing your desire to grind against your partner. I refuse to believe that it was meant to be ignored. And since such a large percentage of women can't come without touching this little button, I think it was meant to be touched.

Myth: You'll get hooked and you won't be able to come without it
Truth: Masturbation helps you learn about yourself and what physically turns you on. Some women can only come if they learn how to masturbate. You may find that you always have a preference for a certain angle, or a certain speed, or a certain amount of pressure, but it does not limit you to that activity alone. Once you start having orgasms with masturbation, you will discover the incredible variation and possibilities there are for women in having orgasms. You will learn that orgasms can vary from day to day, with your cycle, with your mood, with the stimulation, etc. And you can also learn that you can have orgasms on the inside, orgasms on the outside, or a combination of both. It's not altogether unpleasant either to give yourself multiple orgasms, you know!

Myth: It takes away from our sexual relationship with our partner.
Truth: For all the reason already listed above, masturbation serves to enhance our sexual relationship with our partner. It not only keeps our genitals healthy, but it encourages us to exercise our sexual fantasies as well - essential for mind-blowing sex. Women have the advantage of being able to have multiple orgasms, and some even find that subsequent orgasms are more intense than the first. And just in case you feel you're not getting enough foreplay, masturbating just before intercourse (perhaps with your partner watching as part of the foreplay!) gets you wet quick like a bunny.

So for all you Seinfeld fans, I propose that we redefine 'Master of Your Domain' as a person who actively masturbates - taking matters into their own hands. No more anxiety or shame! Just good, clean fun.

Sweet Wet Dreams

2010-01-02T12:22:00.008-05:00

How many of you have had dreams about sex and end up having an orgasm in your sleep? And how many of you have orgasms in your sleep on a regular basis?

Most people know that men start having wet dreams (nocturnal emissions) at puberty. Orgasms (or ejaculations) during sleep are a natural and common occurrence. For men, the terms wet dreams, nocturnal emissions, or spontaneous orgasms are all the same thing. Some men are woken up by their orgasm/ejaculation, while others wake up to find that they have already come and may not remember having had a sex dream. And just because a man masturbates or has regular sexual activity, doesn't mean that he won't necessarily have wet dreams. It depends on the man.

What I find very interesting and not often discussed, is that women also have sex dreams that may or may not end in orgasm. As with other aspects of sexual arousal, there may be no obvious, tangible signs (like ejaculation), but she may be woken up by a strong orgasm. In fact, some women report they can have stronger orgasms in their sleep compared to the orgasms they have when they are awake. Some women can even have multiple orgasms in their sleep. Because women usually don't have 'emissions' with their sex dreams, terms like nocturnal orgasms, spontaneous orgasms, and sleep-related orgasms are used to describe these instead. Even though Kinsey reported that about 37% of women admitted to a sleep-related orgasm by age 45, and more recent surveys place that percentage much higher, it still seems that many people are not aware of this occurrence, and therefore have a some misunderstandings or guilt about it.

It is important to understand that sleep-related orgasms are a natural occurrence for both men and women that can start around the time of puberty. Some studies suggest that the occurrence of sleep-related orgasms may correspond to relative testosterone levels, both for men and women. Some cultures have been more open in talking about it than others. In fact, there is historical documentation of sleep-related orgasms for women dating back to ancient Greece about women having and enjoying sex dreams. (Gotta love the Greeks!) Despite it being such a common occurrence, it is not really taught in sex education classes, or by parents (especially not for girls). Consequently, many people develop bad feelings or guilt related to having sex dreams and sleep-related orgasms because they think they are not normal, or they are disturbed by the content of their dream.

As a psychiatrist, let me tell you that sex dreams, like most other dreams, are usually symbolic in nature. What this means is that what you are dreaming about usually stands for something or someone else and should not always be interpreted at face value. Many times people become alarmed if they are dreaming about someone other than their partner, or situations that they would usually find offensive or unacceptable. But dreams are tricky like that. They are the unconscious mind's way of working things out that doesn't always make sense to our conscious mind. Just because you become extremely excited dreaming about group sex, or some random person you met on the street, it doesn't mean that is your actual wish. Women may have dreams about sex with other women, for example, as a way for the mind to experiment without real-life consequences. Sex dreams should not necessarily be seen as a reflection of what a person wants when they are awake. Nor should they be seen as a sign of infidelity or desire to be unfaithful. It's just the way the unconscious mind works.

Sleep-related orgasms are found to occur most often in REM sleep when most other dream activity happens. They can also happen during a REM cycle during a daytime nap. The interesting part about sex dreams and sleep-related orgasms is that for many people, especially women, they can be more intense than what they experience in their sex life. This is because while you are asleep, there is less inhibition and less conscious restraint. Studies of brain scans have shown that there is actually a 'turning off' of certain areas in the brain that process outside information, motor activity, and emotion at the time of orgasm. This is very similar to a sleep state, and may help explain why there are less barriers to intense sexual excitation (especially for women) during sleep than when they are awake. Also, during sleep and dreaming, there is the ability to paint an optimal scenario where you get exactly the stimulation you want when and where you want it, which may not happen precisely in real life.

So we see that sex dreams and sleep-related orgasms are natural, healthy, and common. They should not be considered wrong, immoral, abnormal, or perverted. Just take them as they come. Sweet dreams.

Kegels for Men and Women

2009-12-29T12:40:00.003-05:00

I'm always telling people that exercise will do them good and give them a better quality of life. Perhaps none is more applicable to your sex life than Kegel exercises. These exercises are simple, can be done anytime anywhere, and are guaranteed to improve your sex life.

Kegel exercises were originally created in the 1940's by a gynecologist, Dr. Arnold Kegel, who wanted to give women a way to increase the muscle tone of their PC muscles (pubococcygeal muscles), and thereby cure their urinary incontinence. This was especially important for women after childbirth and after menopause - the two main causes of weakening of these muscles. So while women were squeezing away, they found that not only could they control their urine better when they coughed or laughed really hard - they also found they were having stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Of course when something improves your sex life, people take notice! The most interesting recent finding is that Kegel exercises have been found to be helpful for both men and women.

Kegel exercises involve the PC muscles, which is a network of muscles that extend from the pubic bone (found under your pubic hair below the level of your bladder) down and around between the legs, around the anus and to the coccyx (tailbone). These muscles contract to help stop urine flow and squeeze the anal sphincter closed, but also are the muscles that rhythmically contract when someone has an orgasm. By strengthening these muscles, women have better control of holding their urine, and also have stronger and more pleasurable orgasms. Men who do Kegels also have better control of their urine and experience stronger and more pleasurable orgasms, but also can have better control of the timing of their ejaculations and even better quality of their erections.

So who's up for a little Kegelcising? Here's how it's done, and it's basically the same for both men and women. First, locate your PC muscles. This can be done by trying to stop your urine stream while you are urinating. The muscle that you squeeze to get that done is your PC muscle. Another good way to locate the PC muscle is to squeeze your anal sphincter tight and then extend this squeeze all the way forward. You should locate these muscles and learn to isolate them from other muscle groups in the area. So make sure that your legs, buttocks, and abs are relaxed and are not moving while you're squeezing your PC muscles. Once you locate them, don't use them to stop your urine any more. Now you will just do the Kegel exercises by themselves.

As I mentioned before, Kegel exercises can be done anytime, anywhere. When you perform them, no one can tell that you're doing it - so you can squeeze on the way to work, during a business meeting, while you're waiting in line, while you're at the movies - you get the picture. Start off slow as you would any new exercise, doing 3 sets of 10 repetitions. Squeeze and hold for 5 seconds, then release and repeat again. Try to do the Kegels at least once a day, but shoot for three times a day if you can. Don't be dismayed if you get tired or feel the muscle losing the squeeze. As you get stronger, you will have more and more control of that squeeze.

Once you have been doing sets of 5-second squeezes faithfully for about 3-4 weeks and you can keep the squeeze consistently for the whole 5 seconds, you can try to extend the squeeze time to 8-10 seconds. You just squeeze, hold it for 10 seconds, and release. Then repeat this for 3 sets of 10 repetitions one to three times a day. The next level after this would be to practice the squeeze while you are masturbating or during penetration with your partner. It takes about 1-2 months of Kegels to really have solid results, but it's worth it.

Just remember, the body operates on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' As we age, keeping the PC muscles toned and strong gives us increased urinary and ejaculatory control, as well as maximizes the intensity of our orgasms and our sexual pleasure. It's a little exercise that goes a long way.

Sex is a many splendored thing.

2009-12-24T09:00:00.014-05:00

Sex is for reproduction. There is no denying this. It's the stuff of sex ed: sperm meets egg, implantation, development, etc. It is the most traditional and natural purpose for the activity. It is why we're made male and female and why part of our physical attraction to the other sex is rooted in our perception of that potential mate's ability to produce healthy children.

Sex is for entertainment. Sex is fun. It feels good. Orgasms can be all-encompasing and, for the moment, everything else fades away. If you need any evidence that sex is for entertainment, you need look no further than a woman's clitoris. It serves no reproductive purpose, it's far enough away from the vaginal opening that most women can't come with vaginal penetration alone, and it has the most concentration of nerve endings per surface area of any other spot on the human body. So if not for entertainment, why would it be there? And because our minds have the ability to travel anywhere, sex can be anything we want it to be - anything we let it be. The combination of our pleasurable physical sensations and the power of our creative mind giving us erotic fantasies, make sex the ultimate trip.

Sex is for bonding. In the act of sex, we have the opportunity to reveal ourselves to our partner. Each time we do this and we have a positive experience, this brings us closer to them and allows our trust in them to grow. Also, having orgasms with our partners helps us feel closer to them, especially if we take advantage of the post-orgasm oxytocin release and lay in each others arms, lay on top of each other, cuddle, or fall asleep touching each other. So we see that sex is a mechanism which can increase emotional ties.

Sex is for winning. The act of sex is concerned with conquest and domination. That feeling of power can be a huge rush and part of the excitement of sex. And where there is conquest and domination, there is also surrender and submission. Through the act of sex, we also see how the submissive really has the power, and experience the pleasure that accompanies that position.

Sex is for compromise. In the process of coming together for sex, we realize that we are two different people with different wants, desires, fantasies, energy levels, and agendas. There are many times that sex requires a compromise on our part in order to please our partner, and vice versa. Hopefully, we learn how to negotiate our relationship so that both partners can have enjoyment and rapture in sex. When we learn to get excited by watching our partner get off, we accept compromise more easily and see that it is normal in our sex life to have a variety of activity, sometimes just for your partner, and sometimes just for you.

Sex is for personal growth. One of the amazing things about sex is that it gives us the opportunity to look into the core of who we are emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes we amaze ourselves. Sometimes we scare ourselves. But whatever we find, we experience an opportunity for growth and personal acceptance. If you realize that deep down we all have desires that have elements of aggression, or selfishness, or dependency, or adoration - and learn to accept that this is natural - we can learn to let go of unnecessary anxiety or guilt that may be interfering with our happiness and success.

Sex is for health. Our bodies work well when we have a regular pattern of sex. Sex helps us handle stress better and helps us feel less physical pain. Men who orgasm at least once per week were found to have better prostate health. And women who orgasm at least once per week have stronger PC muscles and decrease their chance for urinary incontinence later in life. Regular sexual activity keeps our blood flowing to our gentinals and a healthy balance of neurotransmitters flowing in our brains.

These things are neither good nor bad, they just are. And when we have a balance of all of these, we experience more happiness, more success, more peace, and more health both in our sex lives and our lives in general. Enjoy.

Last Minute Toy Shopping

2009-12-20T15:51:00.025-05:00

Need to do some last minute Christmas shopping? Or maybe you have some belated Chanukah gift-giving to do? Well here's a little toy shopping guide to get you going. There are so many adult toys on the market these days that the selection is dizzying. But I'm going to give you the basics.

Dildos are your basic phallic-shaped toy. They come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors from crazy hot-pink ones with ridges, to realistic-looking, and some even with a set of balls attached. They can be single or double-headed, depending on whether there will be pleasuring of one person at a time or two (it's always nice to share). There are some that have a suction cup on the bottom for wall mount. These seem to hold best to materials that are relatively flat and smooth - linoleum flooring, tile, etc. Strap-on dildos are made to be used with harnesses - usually strapped onto someones hips. But there are harnesses designed to strap to thighs, faces, furniture. Such creativity! Since they do come in such a wide selection, it might be difficult to choose a size. As I've mentioned in a previous post, width is usually the more relevant dimension. If you would like to choose a dildo with a similar width to your partner (or yourself) a very simple way to gauge this is to close your eyes and wrap your hand around the dildo. Chances are, your muscle memory will tell you if it similar in circumference to what your used to, then you can choose if you want to stick with it, or go for something a little wider.

Vibrators are the next main type of adult toy. As the name implies, they vibrate. There are battery-operated vibrators and there are heavy-duty vibrators with electrical cords. Some are simple in design for either vaginal or anal penetration; some are wider and curved for outer stimulation of the clitoris (or assorted other body parts); others are curved for G-spot stimulation; some are designed specifically for prostate stimulation; and some have a combination for vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation at the same time, better known as rabbit-style.

You can also get busy with some toys designed for anal play, such as plugs or beads. Remember that any anal toys should have a flange base or looped handle to prevent it from sliding in all the way and necessitating an unwanted visit to your local emergency room. Consider the material that the beads are connected with to see if it can be properly disinfected after use. Other variations on a theme include vibrating cock rings that slide onto the shaft of the penis and are worn down towards the base during penetration that can stimulate both partners.

Almost anything you choose can be fun and exciting. Two very important factors in your decision-making when buying an adult toy is material and lube choice. The majority of adult sex toys out there are made out of "jelly" or latex plastic combinations. These are not only porous materials that cannot be sterilized once used, but also contain phthalates which are considered toxic and have been shown to have unwanted hormonal effects for both men and women. Do not use these toys! Look for non-porous materials that cannot be penetrated by bacteria or viruses and can be disinfected or sterilized for future use (or for use with other partners). These are high-quality silicone, glass, and stainless steel. Do not be fooled by less expensive products that are silicone blended with other rubber because they probably have phthalates in them. Also safe for use are Elastomer, vinyl (Cyberskin), ABS plastic, lucite, and hard plastic. Those, however, should not be shared since they are porous and can't be completely disinfected. You can, however, choose to use these with a condom if it's intended to be used by more than one person.

And of course, there's lube. Saliva is great, but doesn't last very long and is not as slippery as you might need. Never use any oils, Crisco, or vaseline. First of all, these cause condoms to disintegrate. Also, they form a slick layer over the vaginal mucosa that promotes yeast growth, as well as bacteria. Water-based lubricants can be used with almost any toy and come in different levels of thickness and with or without flavors. Many women prefer to pick a lube that does not have glycerin, which is a type of sugar that can be irritating to some, and also promotes the growth of yeast. Water-based lubes are easy to clean up and do not stain. If you're looking for something that is slipperier, lasts longer, and is waterproof (think shower or hot tub), then you should try a silicone-based lube. It's ok for use with latex, but you can't use it with silicone or vinyl products. You probably will want to pick your toy first, then decide on the lube.

The variety available is outstanding and toys can be a great addition to partnered sex, or a welcomed addition for those flying solo. So good luck with your last minute toy shopping. And for those of you in Alabama where the sale of sex toys is still illegal, it's worth a drive across state lines.

Give Yourself a Hand

2009-12-16T20:49:00.009-05:00

"Masturbate? Who me?" "No, I don't do that anymore." "I don't need to do that now." Or better yet: "I never did that!"

I am here to say that it doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, masturbation is not only pleasurable, but it's healthy and it's part of a balanced sex life. First of all, your sexuality belongs to you. So even if you have a partner, you should never give up control of your sexuality. Ultimately, you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own happiness. The sooner you know that, the sooner you can share that happiness with somebody else. When you have a partner, you won't always be on the same page as them, or won't always be in the same mood as them, or you won't always have the same energy as them. But if you are in charge of your own sexuality, masturbation can help bridge those gaps. And masturbation doesn't have to be something you do by yourself. Maybe your partner can watch? Maybe they'll get so turned on watching you, they'll want to join in? Or maybe they can just get pleasure from knowing that you're getting off without any pressure on them. All of you who have been in long term relationships know that it is impossible to always be in sync with our partners all the time.

If you have never spoken to your partner about masturbation, that's the first step. Once you have open communication about different ways to have pleasure, you can bring up the topic of masturbation. Remember, doing it on your own is ok too. The main word here is balance. If it is not used to avoid your partner, or done compulsively, it is a natural part of your sex life that can actually enhance your sex life.

For those individuals without a partner, masturbation might make up the entirety of your sex life. Don't rationalize to yourself that you don't need it or that you don't want it. Both our body and our brain run on the principle of 'use it or lose it.' Masturbation not only gives us pleasure, but it also makes us feel alive. Orgasms release chemicals in our brain that help us feel more relaxed, happier, and more secure. Besides that, masturbation increases blood flow to our genitals which is important in maintaining sexual functioning over time. And every time you have an orgasm, it helps maintain tone in your PC muscles that help women keep continent after menopause or childbirth, and help men have stronger erections and ejaculation. So don't forget to give yourself a hand now and then!

If you keep touching it, it's going to fall off!

2009-12-13T11:07:00.006-05:00

I do the work that I do because I believe that people have too much fear and anxiety that prevents them from having more happiness and success in their lives. I specifically chose the area of sex and sexuality after finding that many of my colleagues were uncomfortable talking with their patients about sex or sexual issues. This made little sense to me since, as psychiatrists, we help patients explore the deepest issues of the unconscious mind, and one's sexuality should be no exception.

My goal for patients, and society in general, is that we will be able to talk to each other about sex and sexuality without anxiety and fear. Because it not only affects us in our sex life, but this anxiety and fear is also passed down to our children in how they learn about sex and their own sexuality.

Such was the case with someone who was telling me that he and his wife were not really sure what to do about their 2 year old son. It seems that he was masturbating himself often, many times in public when out with his mom. This gentleman then told me (with a laugh) that they starting telling their son that if he kept touching it, it was going to fall off. It was clear that the reason why they chose to tell this to their son was because they themselves were quite anxious about talking to him regarding anything sexual, which came from their own anxiety with sex. I mentioned carefully that this was not a very healthy way to speak to his son about his behavior and could cause difficulties later with anxiety and shame related to sex. First of all, he is at that age where he still believes that everything his parents tell him is true. Now he has to worry that if he gives himself a little pleasure, he is going to unwillingly mutilate himself. Instead, the suggestion was made that his son be told that it is perfectly normal, but reminded that his behavior should be limited to those times when he is in private in his room, and that it is not appropriate when he is around other people, including Mommy and Daddy.

The real problem here is with the parents' anxiety related to sex and sexual issues. When we are anxious or uncomfortable thinking and talking about sex, we unintentionally communicate this to our children. This is the reason why I encourage couples to start having more open communication with each other about sex - in order to increase their comfort level and decrease their anxiety. That should be a goal for all couples in general, but certainly before starting to have children. Because children (even infants and toddlers) can sense what we are feeling, even when we try to hide it from them. And they can sense when we are anxious about something. They learn to feel this way too, which could translate into them thinking that they are "bad" or "dirty" or should feel shame. None of these things are healthy when it comes to talking to them about their bodies or their age-appropriate sexual behavior. What they do need is some truthful, calm limit setting and answers (appropriate to their age) to any questions they may have.

One lengthy, but very informative post on this topic can be found at: http://randombabble.com/2009/09/02/talking-to-kids-about-sex/ . It speaks to the importance of giving clear and truthful information to your children (at any age) which is best achieved when we are comfortable with our own sexuality and the topic of sex in general. Decreasing our anxiety and fear will allow us to increase our knowledge, our comfort level, and eventually our happiness and satisfaction based on the decisions we will make.

Wide-eyed

2009-12-10T13:08:00.013-05:00

There have been a multitude of articles and advertising in the media stating that women prefer to experience a wider penis over a longer penis. And this is truly the case. When surveyed, 90% of women stated that width was more important to their sexual satisfaction than was length. It seems that in publishing their research, Masters and Johnson did not consider certain factors when they said that penis size has no real physiological effect on a woman's sexual pleasure and satisfaction. In order to understand a little more what they may have been missing, it's important to think about the anatomy.

First, let's talk about the clitoris. Most people are familiar with the little pink pearl that sits at the top of the labia. It is extremely sensitive and is covered by a little hood of skin that is actually where the top of the labia come together. But there is much more to the clitoris than just what you can see and feel. The entire clitoris is shaped like a capital A (without the bar in the middle). It's legs (crurae) extend down and under the pubic bone, and it also has extensions that follow along each side of the vaginal opening, called the vestibular bulbs. The entire clitoris is made up of spongy tissue that fills with blood when a woman gets aroused.

When a man has a wider penis, there is more pressure put on the vestibular bulbs which gives a pleasurable feeling of fullness at the vaginal opening. Some researchers have commented that this feeling of fullness is both physically and psychologically pleasing. Also, with a wider penis, there is more tension on the labia, which in turn causes more tugging and movement at the hood covering the clitoris. This adds stimulation to the clitoris in addition to the surrounding tissues. The entire vulva, including the labia, clitoris, and the lower 1/3 of the vagina is innervated by the Pudendal nerve. The more surface area you have contact with at any one time, the more you have exciting signals travelling up through that nerve. There may be some element to the stretch of the PC muscle at the vaginal opening that adds to the pleasure - also transmitted via the Pudendal nerve. Remember, this nerve covers the whole area including below the vaginal opening and the anus. This also benefits from a little tension from a wider penis going through the lips and vaginal opening.

Now, an average erect penis is about 10cm in circumference (that's about 4 inches around for those of us not on the metric system). So all of you who are wondering how you measure up, we'll wait while you take out the tape measure.....Ok. Now there are different techniques to give a woman the feeling of a wider penis. One such technique is to have a slight circular motion as you thrust. In this way, the shaft of the penis pushes more against the sides of the vaginal opening, giving the woman that extra pressure and tension. This can also be done by choosing an angle of entry that allows you to put more pressure on the fourchette below the vaginal opening where the labia end in a little "v." This works to also tug the labia a little more and stretch the PC muscle. And still others are much more imaginative, finding ways to work in extra fingers or using penile sleeves. So that's the skinny on width. No comment on bumpy penises.

What can porn teach you about giving a woman oral sex?

2009-12-06T23:11:00.035-05:00

There seems to be an attitude pushed by the media that all aspects of sex should just come natural to us and that we should already instinctually know how to have good sex. And with pressure from peers and society comes anxiety about whether or not we know what we're doing, or whether we are doing it well, etc. This anxiety causes many people to feel embarrased to ask questions for fear that they will be seen as inexperienced and so they may turn to porn as a guide. It's not surprising then, to find that a large percentage of people, both men and women, say that they use porn to guide them as to how they should perform oral sex.

Now I'm not talking about soft-porn here, where you don't really "see" the details of having sex. I'm talking about hardcore porn which shows actual penetration and actual mouth-genital contact/oral sex. If you are using this kind of porn to guide you about oral sex, you should know what it can and cannot teach you.

The trouble with using porn as your guide for oral sex is that what makes for good porn cinematography doesn't always make for good oral sex. A good camera shot in porn is considered one in which the viewer can see details about what's going on. That means that a man's face (for example) has to have some distance from a woman's pussy so that you can see his tongue on her lips and clitoris. In order to get that shot, a tongue has to be stretched far outside his mouth. This may look great onscreen, but doesn't necessarily create the best experience for the giver or the receiver.

First of all, the further your tongue is outside your mouth, the more quickly it's going to get tired. Most women need continuous stimulation on a certain spot in order to reach orgasm, so you want to increase your ability to keep going. Also, it only allows for a small area of contact between his tongue and her lips/clitoris. One of the pleasures of oral sex is the feeling of pressure and warmth and wetness that comes from having a softer, flatter tongue and includes lips too. So instead of having this distance, you should get close and use your whole mouth - lips and tongue.

Also, the clitoris is a very sensitive area. Many times, porn shots start right off with very intense and quick stimulation with a tongue or fingers over the clitoris. Unless a woman has already been excited for a period of time, she probably needs to be able to build up to this level of stimulation. Most women find it more comfortable to start off slower and softer, and build up as her level of excitement increases. Some don't need to change from the slower pace at all - they just need the constant motion.

So if you were to take your direction from porn, you might think that every woman wants to have her pussy slapped, or their clitoris sucked hard, or a pointy tongue frantically rubbing on their clit from the word "go." You are better off asking your woman what she likes and what she wants, because every woman is different. Start off slow and try different things. Instead of just zeroing in on her clit, explore the area with your lips and tongue. Some women actually prefer to have their clitoris stimulated indirectly from the side, or having their lips licked from the vaginal opening up towards the clitoris. There is some very sensitive spongy tissue in that area that can produce intense excitement. Some like a combination of tongue with fingers helping out either inside or outside. Some like to have fingers roam down and around their anus. You have to see what it is that your woman likes, not just make assumptions from what you saw in a porn flick.

Now, I do think that there is something that porn can teach us about good oral sex - and that is enthusiasm. Just like all other aspects of sex, if a woman thinks that her partner is not into it, or is not enjoying it, this will take away from her ability to enjoy herself and get excited from it. If, however, you tell your woman what you like about eating her out and it's clear that you enjoy the process, she can get lost in the moment and let it take her to orgasm. Bon appetit!

Feel at home with the O.

2009-12-04T07:26:00.014-05:00

Women are complicated - there's no denying that. Even we can't figure ourselves out sometimes. And physically, we're more complicated too. We have all that extra indoor plumbing and our bodies are much more sensitive and full of surprises.

And orgasms are no exception to this bundle of complexity. Not only can we have orgasms on the inside and orgasms on the outside, but we can also have a combination orgasm - or "blended" as some people like to call it. Not to mention those orgasms some of us can have without even getting close to our genitals!

So what are the different types of orgasms women have? Well, first let's start with the most well known orgasm - the clitoral orgasm. This type of orgasm is a result of repeated stimulation of the clitoris, which is located at the top of the labia, just below the level of the pubic bone. The clitoris is special because it has the most amount of nerve endings per surface area than anywhere else on a woman's body (or anywhere on a man's body for that matter). The nerve responsible for the sensation in this area is the Pudendal nerve, which experiences all range of sensation - light touch, pressure, pain and temperature, vibration, etc. This opens up the multitude of ways that a woman can get pleasure in this area - oral sex, masturbation with fingers, vibrators, rubbing against the arm of the couch, stream of water from a pool jet or a shower-massager, just to name a few.

Next we have the orgasm that's produced when the anterior (front) part of the vagina is stimulated. This is also known as the G spot and has been found to have the highest concentration of sensory nerve endings in the vagina. This type of orgasm is transmitted via the Hypogastric and pelvic nerves and gives a sensation of orgasm that spreads over the entire body. Many times referred to as a "blended" orgasm because of its overlap in sensation with the Pudendal nerve (that innervates the lower 1/3 of the vagina also), it's technically an "internal" orgasm and can be one of the ways that a woman comes through penetration. And many vibrators and dildoes have been designed specifically with a curvature to stimulate this area for powerful vaginal orgasms.

There is yet, another type of "internal" orgasm that comes with stimulation of the cervix during penetration. This produces pleasurable contractions of the uterus and is transmitted via the Vagus nerve, sometimes in combination with the Hypogastric nerve. Of course, since there is some overlap of nerves (as I'm sure some of you have already experienced) there is often a combination of pathways involved in an orgasm so that more than one pathway is activated at the same time. Women can also have a combination of stimulation on the inside and on the outside simultaneously from certain positions with their partners or manual stimulation of the clitoris while being penetrated. This can give "blended" orgasms as well that you feel on the inside and the outside at the same time. There are also other areas of the body that can be stimulated to bring a woman to orgasm that doesn't involve her genitals, but let's leave that for another post.

So our complexity is also our key to pleasure! Women have different ways to mix and match for a healthy variety of activity. This gives us more choices to keep things interesting. So boys, do your homework, and girls, get your hands-on training. This way, we can all feel at home with the O.

Do you have 2 minutes for sex?

2009-12-02T08:17:00.007-05:00

One of my students in her 20's recently told me that she couldn't touch her toes. So I asked her what kind of sex life did she expect to have if she couldn't get her legs over her head, or at least over her partner's shoulders?

Seriously though, my point to her was that the importance of flexibility should not be overlooked for our general health, but more specifically, for the health of our sex life. Feeling limber translates into feeling more comfortable with movement - changing positions, trying new positions, and better enjoyment of our favorite positions. So I would like to give you a very simple stretch that can have a big impact on your flexibility and your sex life. It's easy to do and takes very little time.

It's called a Rag Doll Stretch and in it, you stretch by allowing yourself to just hang loose. First you stand up and make sure have a little bit of room around you. When you first start to do this stretch, it's a good idea to have something to hold onto if you need it, like a table or the arm of the couch. Next, you are going to bend forward and let your arms and head just hang down in front of you. Don't worry if you can't stretch very far. Over time you will see the difference! The beauty of this stretch is that you are going to let gravity do all the work for you. You don't need to push or bounce - just hang. And pay attention to the position of your head. Since your head weighs as much as a bowling ball, if you are holding it up at all, you are tensing your muscles. Instead, you should let it hang loose so that you can relieve the tension in your shoulders and neck and take pressure off of the bones of the neck. If you are looking at the front of your legs or thighs, then you know your head is in the right position.

Now, just breathe normally and take notice of any areas where you have tension. Each time you exhale, imagine any tense areas of muscle becoming relaxed and stretching long and easy. For any stretch to be effective, you have to hold it for at least 30 seconds. If you give it a full 60 seconds, you will allow a good stretch of the muscle fibers and start to feel results. And you can see how it targets a lot of muscles at once - from the back of your heels, up your legs and your entire back, back of the neck, and up to the base of your skull.

So practice this stretch for 1 minute at the beginning of your day and 1 minute at the end of your day and you'll make a big difference in your flexibility. That's less time than it takes for a commercial break! So even though our flexibility decreases over time, we can do something very simple to improve it which can translate into a better sex life. It loosens up the back for better thrusting, lets you move your legs up onto your partner's shoulders for a different positioning of your hips, and helps relieve tension in the neck for all you wonderfully-indulgent givers of oral sex!

Penny for your thoughts...?

2009-11-29T09:51:00.019-05:00

Fantasies play an extremely important role in our sex lives. They help fuel desire, get us excited, and keep things interesting for us. But many people have misconceptions as to what is a healthy fantasy life or what is considered normal.

It has been found that between 80-90% of people at one point fantasize about someone else other than their current partner. It's part of the natural way that our mind works to constantly keep us stimulated and tell us about ourselves. But many people are disturbed by their sexual fantasies and they either resist having them, or feel unnecessarily guilty for having them. With sexual fantasies, it's not so much what you fantasize about, it's how you use that fantasy that makes the difference. Do you use it positively in your sexual relationship or is it a negative factor? Do they bring more pleasure, or do they cause increased guilt and conflict? Are you using them to enhance your sex life with your partner, or are you using them to drive a wedge between you?

The first step in having a healthy and balanced fantasy life is recognizing that if you are thinking about someone other than your partner, that is ok. You may even be thinking about several different people together or at different times. What gets people confused is that they wonder "If I'm fantasizing about someone else, does that mean I don't want my partner ?" The answer is no, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't want your partner (or vice versa). It just means that you have a normal, active mind that is presenting you with lots of fantasy material to keep you excited and stimulated. But if we don't realize that this is normal and misinterpret our fantasies, then we may bring conflict, frustration, and unhappiness into our relationship.

Balance means that we decide what is appropriate and productive to share with our partners and what isn't. You don't always need to know what your partner is fantasizing about and sometimes, you may not want to know (especially if you're going to use it to fuel your insecurities or doubts). The reality is that fantasy is a necessary part of a healthy sex life. Do you think that fantasizing about the same scenario over and over again every time for your entire life is going to keep you stimulated? Do you think that when you are 80 years old you would prefer to fantasize about your partner at 80, or would you rather fantasize about the way they looked when you first met them? Which will get you off best? And if both you and your partner benefit from the arousal and excitement that your fantasies bring, isn't that positive for your sex life?

Sometimes sharing fantasies between you can be electrifying. But sometimes, we're better off not asking what we don't want to know. Good communication, stability in the relationship, and understanding of what makes up a healthy fantasy life are prerequisites for sharing fantasies with your partner. So spend your pennies wisely.

(Let me state that I am speaking about fantasies that do not involve harm towards yourself or another person, or fantasies that involve inappropriate partners - such as children or animals. If you are having such fantasies, they should be discussed with a therapist to prevent any dangerous or harmful behavior or any anxiety or depression that result from them.)

Thanksgiving Thoughts

2009-11-26T12:19:00.004-05:00

I want to share my gratitude exercise for the day with you:

I am grateful that my mother required me to pick some sort of physical sport that required practice at least 3 times a week from elementary school until the end of high school. I am also grateful that she would not let me take French in high school, but instead made me take Spanish for Spanish speakers as well as typing. Boy, that turned out to be huge!

I am grateful that I finally started learning how to breathe. That certainly has improved my running, my swimming, but also my orgasms. It's amazing how that works.

And I am grateful that I learned to give myself pleasure early in life - 11 or 12 years old. I found that I could give myself orgasms in several different ways. And best of all, I could give myself multiple orgasms. All this happened long before I ever had a boyfriend. Not only was I able to discover what my body enjoyed and responded to, but I was able to learn without a doubt that I alone was responsible for my sexual pleasure. I am grateful I learned that no one is in control of my sexual pleasure but me and that makes all the difference for my happiness in my sex life now.

And finally, I am grateful that I became a sex therapist - not only because I love to teach and help increase other people's health and happiness, but because I see that your sex life is continuously evolving and being reinvented. I still masturbate pretty regularly today and every once in awhile, I discover something new that I can bring to my relationship with my partner or just enjoy by myself. For all these things and more, I am grateful.

Blogging is to Sex as . . .

2009-11-23T08:00:00.004-05:00

I've often been accused of interpreting everything in a sexual way. So I was tickled when I was reflecting on the starting of this blog, the blogging process itself and one's relationship with blogging - and immediately drew parallels to a sexual relationship. I thought I would share these thoughts with you as they are often topics of discussion with couples that come in with questions about what is normal or to be expected of one's sex life over time.

In the beginning, the idea of starting a blog is exciting and promising. It's a time for high energy, high expectations and a flood of ideas. Anything could happen! The same is true for starting off a new sexual relationship. I think this needs no explanation. Then little things happen that are irritating and threaten your idealistic view of the whole thing: no one can find it to read it, and the search function doesn't seem to work. But those are minor things, it feels good, and you believe that you can commit to it.

And each time you post, it's like having sex. Sometimes the feeling just hits you and you just want to write - no matter what you're doing. And sometimes, you can think of 24 different things you want to do and wish you could blog 3-4x a day, but of course, you can't do everything at once. And sometimes, what you thought would be a great idea turns out to be just ok, while something that you weren't really excited about in the beginning turns out to be much more than you expected. You will get the most pleasure out of it and the least amount of frustration if you just go with it.

Then there are periods when time just passes by and you really don't feel like doing anything at all. Nothing coming comes to your mind, or you're just too busy with other things. Life happens and you're too busy living it. But it's normal to have periods of more activity and periods of less activity. It's not always that we have the energy to keep up the same pace or intensity in anything. And it's important that we don't beat ourselves up about it or become insecure about the relationship just because we may not be not be at the same intensity as other times. We should establish our own comfort level with our partner and not try to compare ourselves to other stories we've heard about this one or that one.

Of course, depending how much of yourself you really put into it - how much you open up to it, will determine how much it is a reflection of your true self. Your essence comes through in the way you express yourself, your allowing intimacy in the process. This invites you to grow as a person and become a better blogger (lover). And finally, in order to keep things interesting, you have to have some variation as well as something that you know the other person will get excited about. Changing it up and trying something new to keep you and the other person smiling.

What is sex anyway?

2009-11-20T09:00:00.001-05:00

I like to say that we are living in The Golden Age of Rationalization. It seems that there isn't anything that we can't deny or fool ourselves about. And sex is no exception. After all former President Bill Clinton did it on national television! "I did not have sex with that woman."

Let's get something straight here. You don't want to think that you're 'not really having sex', or you want to pretend to yourself that you haven't 'really' cheated on your partner, but the truth is - there is a lot more to sex that just a penis in a vagina. (Just ask anyone having homosexual sex!) Sex starts with fantasies and desire. As soon as you start to share those fantasies and desires with another person, you are inviting them to engage in sex. Sex involves a multitude of activities that jump-starts a person's desire and arousal. And there are so many ways to reach orgasm - oral sex, masturbation, stimulation of the breasts, telephone conversations to name a few. You can even come in your sleep!

I consider that all sexual activity falls under the category of sex because I think that it's part of the erotic and intimate relationship that one shares with their partner. To have a long, healthy sex life that is satisfying through the years, a person needs to have some variation to keep it interesting and fresh, as well as some flexibility to allow for adjustment to life changes. If our sexual repertoire is very limited, it increases the chance that we will become bored or frustrated. Psychologically, the more activities we consider to fall under the realm of sex, the more we can happily share with our partners in a sexual way to enhance that sexual relationship. After a woman gives birth for example, it may be several weeks before she may be ready to have any penetration. But she can receive enjoyment from giving her husband oral sex or a hand job, or she can get stimulated on other areas of her body. Similarly, if a man has prostate surgery, he may have transient or permanent erectile difficulties, but can still find ways of giving his partner sexual satisfaction with manual or oral stimulation, or even in combination with sex toys such as a dildo or a vibrator.

But if we have a very rigid idea about what sex is, we limit ourselves and create for ourselves dissatisfaction and frustration. We would then create the reality that we could not be happy unless we had penile-vaginal intercourse just so. For your health and happiness, leave that definition to the religious texts and reproductive biologists. Instead, consider that you can have happiness and sexual pleasure with a multitude of variations of activities. Just remember, if the world ran out of pumpkins, we could still have pecan pie on Thanksgiving. (I just love nuts!)

Knowledge is Power

2009-11-20T08:30:00.007-05:00

To have health and balance in our lives, we have to be able to give ourselves permission to have pleasure and fun, but at the same time be aware of and take responsibility for our actions. Because of this, when we have knowledge, we are in a position of power to make the best decisions for ourselves. This is true for every aspect of life including our sex lives and decisions related to it. And I would briefly like to comment on how this relates to new recommendations announced today from the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology for PAP smears (unfortunately timed just after the new recommendations for mammograms).

The ACOG is 'simplifying' PAP guidelines by stating that women do not need to get their first PAP until age 21 years old. Furthermore, they are recommending that now women only need to have a PAP smear every 2 years (instead of yearly) if their test results have been normal. There used to be additional recommendations related to the age that a woman becomes sexually active, but these are now being touted as 'confusing.' The new recommendations have been established after years of studies and data collection and there is validity to the points being made by the ACOG. But what I see missing here is the element of patient education and information.

We know that girls are becoming sexually active at an earlier age than a decade ago. We also have studies that show increasing incidence of Chlamydia and even Syphilis (up 36% in women in the US!). Also, a recent study from the Univ. of Waterloo in Canada found that an increasing number of seniors are contracting HIV from unprotected sex - possibly because they don't believe that they are at risk for such STDs.

Women need to know the facts about sexual activity and how it related to cervical cancer risk, as well as risk for all STDs and complications that accompany them. They need to be told (repeatedly) that the more sexual partners they have, the increased risk for developing cervical cancer. Education is the key for them to understand their risk so that they can make smart decisions both about their sexual activity and their medical care related to it. If teenage girls are starting to have sex at an earlier age (sometimes 7 years before they hit the age of 21), they need to know that they should be going to the ObGyn for a pelvic exam and a PAP smear. And girls who have received the HPV vaccine should not consider themselves 'protected' since the injection does not protect against all strains of HPV known to cause cancer. I do not think that we can teach abstinence with the hope that it will work. So instead, we need to have an over-abundance of education about risks and responsibilities that come with being sexually active. Knowing when your need for PAP is increased because of your sexual activity is one of those responsibilities and leaving it up to statistics is dicey.

Tough Titties!

2009-11-19T08:11:00.021-05:00

Although I was working on a completely different post for today, I felt compelled to write about the recommendations made yesterday by the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force regarding routine mammography screening and breast exams.

Yesterday, the USPSTF changed the recommendations from yearly mammographies starting at age 40, to every other year after age 50 until age 74. This does not include women who have actually found a lump that needs to be evaluated or those women with known increased risk factors for breast cancer. They will still be sent for mammography.

The part that doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to me is that they are now discouraging clinicians from teaching women how to do self-breast exams. But in their statement, they say that women should be aware of any breast changes. How they expect women to be aware of any changes without putting their hands on their breasts is beyond me. Maybe it will be like magic? Maybe it will come to you in a dream? Maybe you will get a little postcard in the mail telling you that you now have a breast lump that you don't know about yet that you should get checked out?

But in their infinite wisdom (yes, sarcasm), they have determined that self-breast exam causes unnecessary "anxiety and breast cancer worry" and may lead to "repeated visits and unwarranted imaging and biopsies." But I applaud them for trying to keep health care costs down. They feel that saving the life of 1 out of every 1904 women is not worth the money or the trouble.

I'll tell you what, if it's my life, I would want to risk the extra radiation exposure, and extra doctor's visits, and risk of scarring from biopsy or surgery to find out. So I say, "Tough Titties!" I'm going to keep checking myself in the shower and keep encouraging other women to do so as well.

You can read the actual USPSTF statement here:
http://www.annals.org/content/151/10/716.full

I've got you under my skin.

2009-11-18T14:58:00.006-05:00

Touch is such an importance aspect of how we relate to the world and how we relate to each other. As infants, it is the first way that we experience our world and learn to make decisions about what is good and what is not good for us. And as adults, it is one of the most prominent ways that we have in communicating with our partners (if we take advantage of it). The mechanism of touch is known to be an important way of feeling calm, secure, and comfortable - a way of telling our brain that everything is ok. This happens by way of C-tactile fibers found over the surface of the arms, legs, back, and forehead. These respond to a slow, light caress - a typical soothing type of behavior. More research is being done specifically in this area to elucidate the importance of these fibers.

The types of nerve endings in our skin that we associate most with sex, however, are the classic ones of light touch, vibration, pressure, temperature, and pain. Because of the many different types of sensations we can experience, our skin can be considered our own personal playground. We have so many options in how to touch our partners to give them pleasure - from our hands, lips, tongues - or maybe from feathers, silk, wax, metal, leather, glass, you name it! This holds true for most of our skin that covers the outside of our bodies. It's a little different on the inside (i.e. vagina or anus). For those areas, we can normally only sense pressure and/or pain, which is interesting since a lot of emphasis is placed on the 'penetration' part of sex, even for women. But it is really the rest of the body that gives us more sensation. This is why masturbation (mutual or single) and oral sex can be so mindblowing!

So the question is, how much do we touch our partners to find out what ways excite them and what gives them pleasure? And of course, do we increase our intimacy by allowing ourselves to be touched? Do we follow a particular basic routine within our sex life, or do we occasionally take an excursion outside the realm of the familiar to experiment with new sensations and scenarios? You may find that ways you thought would be exciting for your partner to be touched are more irritating, and what you thought was unbearable is actually the cat's meow.

Now generally men are more focused on their genitals than the rest of their bodies in comparison to women, but that doesn't mean that their skin is not worth exploring. And gentlemen, did you know that many women can have orgasms from having other parts of their bodies stimulated (backs of knees, back of the neck, behind ears, scalp, between the shoulder blades, or thighs, to name a few). So get out there and experiment! Find a new use for an old pair of gloves or an old tie. Let your skin be your playground.

Reclaiming your sexuality

2009-11-17T12:45:00.006-05:00

It's not just about having good sex...although who would complain about that? It's about understanding yourself and your sexual nature. It's about feeling energized and vitalized by your sexuality. It's about learning how to develop your sexuality and sharing it with others. It's about the connection between physical and mental health and our sexuality. The purpose of this blog is to reach out to others to stimulate conversation about sexuality and how it is balanced into our lives. It is to be educational, stimulating, informative, and non-judgmental. That being said, please no abusive language or attacks on others. Any inappropriate or illegal content will be removed. Otherwise, we will discuss relationships, sexual health, masturbation, sexual dysfunction, fantasies, desire, or any other topic related to one's sex life.

VP9QNU4QJ5DC